I feel angry all of the time

[IfYouDontAsk]

I feel at a loss as to what to do to change it. I feel angry every day, with no obvious cause. I have two DC under 5, work part time. The house is always a mess, I never get quite as much sleep as I like, always have a massive to do list swirling round my head.

…but there’s no reason why I should feel constant irritation and on a short fuse ALL the time. It’s like having really, really bad PMT that just never passes. Minor things give me the absolute rage every day.

My first thought was peri menopause but I’m 36 and no family history of early menopause so wondering if I’m too young for that. I’ve always been maybe erm slightly Eeyore-ish in my personality but I don’t recognise the angry person I currently am.

I would so love to hear from others who have felt similar and hopefully come out of the other side of it.

Sorry to hear this OP and I have no solution but hoping others have. I was thinking just yesterday how negative I feel inside (I do try to hide it) but put it down to state of the world and the current messes we are in with high bills etc. It’s so difficult to shift these feelings. Do you have any hobbies you really love doing that would help? Counting down to these special things you enjoy? For me exercise helps give me those “highs”.

Do you have a partner? Family and friends nearby?

Lack of sleep impacts everything in quite a big way. Losing an hour a night equals losing 1 nights sleep a week!

Anger is a secondary emotion, sounds like it’s secondary to chronic stress/burnt out feeling.

Have you ever tried any relaxation techniques? Agree with poster above on looking for things you enjoy to do to release the valve but then do you need help for time? Can any family help out more?

I had a really short fuse when my two were little, turned out it was sleep deprivation and generally exhaustion. Once they started sleeping better and generally being less demanding, I felt much calmer and had a lot more patience.

How is your general mood? Do you feel 'down' a lot of the time? Teary? Irritation is a symptom of depression so it may be worth analysing how you're feeling generally. Of course lack of sleep and stress can cause irritability too but worth checking in with yourself and speaking to your GP just in case.

I have felt like this OP, I was completely burnt out but didn't believe I should be because everyone else seemed to be coping with the same or more in their lives (for me it was parenting two under two through the pandemic while DH still worked out of the house, not getting enough sleep for 3 years, then returning "part time" to a stressful job but trying to manage everything else because I "only" worked part time).

It took going to therapy to get some understanding of why I felt like that, and then my therapist giving me small actions to take each week as a step in the right direction, and reframing how I thought about my situation, what my own needs are and how they can be met as well as everyone else's.

In practical terms this involved learning how to be "selfish" at times, making time to do things just for myself and (I'm still working on this) letting go of the guilt. I also had some adjustments I was able to make in my life to allow me to do this - changing jobs and working fewer hours and creating a buffer with my childcare so I had time to do things and wasn't always either working, rushing to collect children, or looking after children.

Are you on hormonal contraception OP? This can massively contribute to mood swings and anger in some women, even if it seemed to suit you initially.

Stress and overwhelmed were the first words that came into my head when I read your post
You are being pulled at all ends here with no proper rest time. Do you have anyone to share the load of the children? In what way is the house a mess, is it general children mess with toys or you could stir it with a stick? First thing first is to stop ✋️ you need to get some help to have a look at where you can off load some jobs or get in a system so you aren't getting overwhelmed. Maybe a wee visit to your GP for a chat is a good place to start. Hugs

I am going to say something that’s probably a bit far fetched considering the age of your children, but could you be peri menopausal? I expect you are too young but maybe if a geriatric mother could this be a possibility? I only say this because I experienced exactly the same in my late 40’s.. was SO angry all the time at literally everything and anything. Medication resolved it.

I have two DC under 5, work part time. The house is always a mess, I never get quite as much sleep as I like, always have a massive to do list swirling round my head.

This is definitely reason enough. Chronic sleep deprivation, stress and overwhelm. Anxiety can also present as as anger and irritability. I would have a chat with the gp if you can but if there's extra support you can get outside of the docs then it would help too. As a household can you afford a cleaner? What steps can you take to get more sleep? I think more sleep would help enormously. Daily 5 or 10 minute meditation can also work wonders.

Are you on hormonal contraception OP? This can massively contribute to mood swings and anger in some women, even if it seemed to suit you initially.

I was going to ask this. Synthetic progestins (in contraception and hrt) give me pmdd like symptoms. I can't tolerate them at all. Confirmed after years off contraception and trying hrt.

You say no obvious cause but then say you don't get enough sleep. Sleep strongly links to mood and this may be 90 percent of your answer. Try to see how you can relax enough to get more sleep.

I had this for a while, though there was some reason I was disproportionately angry. I'm a bit better now.

There is this amazing technique in a book by Mandy Morris: 8 secrets to manifesting. You have to get past the super cheesy blurb but she teaches you to think more positively. It's helped me so much. Unlike Mandy I have yet to manifest myself billions of pounds but I do feel more relaxed.

Then there are other things you need to explore:

Your diet. Gut is strongly linked to the brain. I recommend you look at diet for reduced inflammation or reduced anxiety. Reduce sugar, processed foods etc. People often say oh I don't have time I have kids. This is bull. I am super busy but throwing a salad together takes the same time as ordering a pizza.

Exercise. Most people drive everywhere. Asana rebel is a wonderful app with 5 min yoga stretches. Most people can take 5 mins out of their day and if you can't look at how you work and/or structure your day. I appreciate if you're a surgeon or police officer is harder but then you have mornings/weekends.

Your values. Search for what are my personal values and see how your life aligns. You may find something is out of kilter. Being aware even if you can't change it might help you understand your anger.

This is a difficult time in life, it's winter, it's dark, you're tired. Its not your fault, you're not alone and it will get better xx

Thank you for all of these lovely replies, lots of useful things to think about.

I am on hormonal contraception but have been on it for over 20 years without issue (and my current pill for quite a few years) so I’d be really surprised if that was causing problems.

Im getting much more sleep than when my DC were babies/ young toddlers but didn’t have my current anger issue then. it’s tricky because I always go to bed by 10pm if not earlier but I find it hard to go up before 9pm as I like to have a bit of time to watch tv after the kids are in bed and just relax a little. But maybe I need to give some earlier nights a go.

I was on anti depressants for about 6 months in 2021 because I didn’t feel in control of my emotions. That was a bit different though as I was specifically struggling to manage my emotions when looking after the DC and kept bursting into tears all of the time. The anger is a new one and feels really shameful. There’s a woman I pass on my road on the school run and she sits in her car with the engine running whilst she puts her make up on. It takes all of my self control not to shout “turn your bloody engine off and stop polluting my street with your exhaust fumes!” Err but maybe with slightly fruitier language. And yeah, she shouldn’t sit there idling her engine every day but the level of anger I feel about it is just SO disproportionate.

Walking back from school run this morning and a woman was cycling towards me on the pavement of my (quiet) road. And again I wanted to scream at her to get on the road. I am so desperate to shout and get all of my anger out. The other night I deliberately watched a really sad documentary and cried my eyes out. The release felt good.

I can definitely make more of an effort with my diet. I already cook from scratch pretty much every night but need to up my fruit and vegetable consumption further.

I try to walk as much as possible, always walk up the three escalators on my office days, but sometimes do resort to driving even short journeys just because of lack of time eg I don’t have much wiggle room on office days in terms of dropping DC and getting on the tube.

I was on the same pill for 10 years and honestly thought it agreed with me as there were no issues in the beginning. But over time it absolutely affected me and it took me a really long time to make the connection.

It's like a fog has been lifted. All that anxiety, fatigue, irritability, low level depression, lack of sex drive, all vastly improved from coming off it.

By the way several friends have experienced the same thing. They didn't realise the issues the pill was causing until they came off to TTC.

Not saying that's necessarily the issue for you, but there's a good chance it's a contributory factor.

I know, it can seem boring to just go to bed as soon as kids do. But maybe think about what time they're in bed. Mine is 8pm asleep, 8-8:15 or 8:30 I do minimum housework - pots, OH does same. We accept the house isn't very tidy.

Then until 9:15 TV or conversation the bed by 9:30. The discipline pays off. Just choose one TV programme you really want to watch. Then once a week if I'm tired I go to bed with my kid so 8pm.

Then weekend I have 30min snooze during my kids morning TV time.

If I don't do this I get really upset and I'd be on medication I'm sure.

The anger you are describing is EXACTLY the same as mine peri meno - so I am wondering if the the hormone/contraception issue.

I would drive down the street and random people would just irritate me, I could have started a fight in an empty room - literally everyone and everything irritated me, when I went to the dr's I told her that I needed to sort it out before I murdered someone - I was kind of joking.. she put me on fluoxetine which improved the situation immensely, then later I went on HRT for other symptons. Life has changed massively since then.

Scream into a pillow I’ve been like this for the last two years it’s horrible I know how you feel

I also feel (I think unjustified) resentment about the fact that the house/parenting pretty much all falls to me. My DH is in a senior, very highly paid job (I will never, ever get close to earnings so it’s not a case that if he shared more of the load at home I could progress to his sort of level/earnings- he’s senior in an industry that pays very well, I am not).

He leaves work before the DC are up in the mornings so I do every drop off, every pick up. I sort all of the holiday childcare and almost always take time off if the DC are sick. This is the reality of his very well paid job- long hours and no, your family can’t really get in the way of it. In return I live a lifestyle far beyond anything I could afford myself. I am extremely lucky not to have worries about money and I know that this is the trade off for the things mentioned above…I also know that lots of people deal with all of the above and are either single parents doing it all completely alone (including financially) or they have a DH who’s not around like mine but also don’t have the benefit of financial security in return. I didn’t mention in my OP because it feels really crass, especially when lots of people are really suffering with the cost of living crisis at the moment. But I guess it’s relevant context as to why I am shouldering a lot of the mental load around the DC and the house.

As I’m typing this I guess I feel that a lot of what I do feels unseen and so I sometimes feel unseen.

Family are all very far away so no help there. I often talk to a friend about what a different experience it is parenting with no family support network locally compared to those that do. We find it very therapeutic to talk about.

Ok so maybe I need to revisit the peri menopause idea…

I am also determined to get myself out for a run tomorrow morning to burn off some of this stupid anger.

I would possibly get some bloods done. A family member started feeling really angry and impatient which wasn’t like her at all, along with a few other symptoms she didn’t take much notice of, and was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Once she was taking medication she was back to normal. Worth checking.

I understand this is difficult. I'm in a similar but less pronounced situation. It's true some people think well off people never have worries. But we're humans, we have certain needs and sleep is certainly one of them.

It sounds like you're doing too much. However, can you use the money to your advantage? Yes there are things you don't have like your husband's time and that's difficult if it's what you focus on.

Tell your husband you need support in one form or another.
Pay a cleaner, pay someone to drop off the kids - this aspect is clearly causing you a lot of stress. Get a good life coach to help you understand what else would make you happy. The trade off is that you doing childcare is supporting his career. So find a way to get his money to actually support your needs.

I think your resentment around being forced to do all the caring is potentially an issue, and I think finding ways to carve time for yourself is part of the answer. Can you afford some help? Do you enjoy working and do you actually want to work more, or conversely would not working help? If your household can afford it these are options.

I definitely don’t want to be a SAHM- did that for a few years and felt very vulnerable- worried about becoming unemployable and also I feel better in myself for working.

I know it makes total sense to buy in help but I have dabbled with a cleaner in the past and I couldn’t get on with it as it was just another job to do- tidying up before the cleaner comes so that floors and surfaces were clear for them to actually clean. At least now I can choose when I do tidying.

and I don’t want the DC to be in childcare for longer than they already are. They are both under 5 and they already do 10 hours + in childcare on my working days. Sorry, not meaning to poo poo (Pooh Pooh? Who knows) really good suggestions but they are things that I have considered in the past and just feel that they might swap one problem for another if that makes sense.

I do have a gardener for my not at all fancy or big surburban London garden. So that does look vaguely nice if you ignore all of the plastic toys littered around. And a window cleaner.