I feel angry all of the time

[IfYouDontAsk]

I feel at a loss as to what to do to change it. I feel angry every day, with no obvious cause. I have two DC under 5, work part time. The house is always a mess, I never get quite as much sleep as I like, always have a massive to do list swirling round my head.

…but there’s no reason why I should feel constant irritation and on a short fuse ALL the time. It’s like having really, really bad PMT that just never passes. Minor things give me the absolute rage every day.

My first thought was peri menopause but I’m 36 and no family history of early menopause so wondering if I’m too young for that. I’ve always been maybe erm slightly Eeyore-ish in my personality but I don’t recognise the angry person I currently am.

I would so love to hear from others who have felt similar and hopefully come out of the other side of it.

Sounds EXACTLY like peri-menopausal me. I had the absolute rage. Sometimes it was quite liberating tbh - I really did feel emboldened to say exactly what I thought and at my best, took absolutely no shit from anyone. Idiots in the street - complete strangers, always men, : if they got in my way, or dawdled, or pissed me off..... Christ, I was like vengeance itself.... I found myself thinking 'God, is this what it's like to be a man?'
Unfortunately, and not so funny, my poor family and husband took the brunt and it was brutal. I was in a permanent fury, teary, and with such a sense of overwhelming injustice... I remember I lost all my patience - all of it- like I had never had any.
I'm on HRT now.
(but try not to let the idiots get away with stuff still) 💐

Both of those things would piss me off too! And having to do all of the parenting work on top of your job. Yes, you get the benefit of his salary, but society values his career success higher than the tasks of parenting, and that can seem grindingly unfair, especially if you feel you can't complain about it. You also sound quite isolated.

Could your household afford for DH to reduce his hours, or work more flexibly? It's getting more common in many industries for senior people, including men, to go part time. It seems to me that a fairer division of household labour would help a lot.

I think the key to why you are resentful is working out what you actually want. Do you want a promotion and feel you don't have energy, or hobby time, or a cleaner house. I think choose one to prioritise.

Can you reduce your hours or find another job if your employer cannot allow you to be successful whilst working part time. If your kids are in childcare 10 hours a day 5 days a week are you working a lot? Equally you could employ someone to drop them off,start work earlier and collect them earlier. I suggest this because you seem to find drop off more stressful than general childcare.

Have you asked your husband what flexibilities he has. For example my husband works long hours but has the flexibility to drop off and collect our kid 1-2 days a week. These small things go a long way. Or perhaps he could take them out on a Saturday to give you space to think or sleep.

Just becauase he works a lot shouldn't mean he does no childcare at all, but it might take a flexible discussionm. Something tells me though that you're feeling stuck right now and neither of you are thinking creatively. That's understandable when you're tired though.

I understand that you need more sleep but I also think you need to pick out what you want your life to look like. This is why I suggested a life coach and/or working through values and what you want.

@SpeckledlyHen so good to read! Exactly my experience! I'd put myself in danger I was so fkin furious.One time a guy didn't stop his car at the crossing early enough, just nosing it forward whilst me and this other lady were walking across and I went back and banged hard on his bonnet, daft round here, likely to get stabbed by my God I had just had ENOUGH!

I really appreciate that perspective mycat- that I need to get to the root of what’s really pissing me off and what I want to change. I need to have a good think about this.

So DH’s industry is investment banking and there just isn’t the option for flexibility on things like working hours. It’s a world apart from my public sector organisation where we’ve had even senior guys take shared parental leave, block out school pick up time in their calendars etc etc so I know there a lots of industries where this sort of thing is changing but not where he is.

I only work three days a week rather than five and wouldn’t want to reduce my hours at work. 3 days already feels like a bit of a barrier to progression as it is, especially as I’m pretty junior so I’m working my way up rather than already being fairly established at work. I’ve recently stepped up into a very slightly more senior role after nearly two years back at work. Im proud of myself for that and am quite happy plodding along slowly but surely at work over the next few years.

ManchesterGirl2 something you said really hit a nerve- about everything my DH’s success being valued financially and within society (well, I know loads of people hate bankers but you get what I mean!) and I feel like there is very little recognition of what I do. It feels a bit embarrassing to admit but I think part of why I’m feeling so angry is that I need recognition from my DH that I’m not currently getting.

I think I am probably screaming out for my DH to recognise that I have made sacrifices that allow him to continue to do his job whilst having a family. I have made all of the adjustments to my working life so that he doesn’t have to. I am not an ambitious high flyer so not I wouldn’t have been in senior management if it wasn’t for supporting his career, but I have definitely reduced my earning power in going part time for a flexible employer. I have taken on all of the mental and actual ‘doing’ responsibility for the family and home which does take away from how much headspace I have left for work. I would love it if he occasionally stopped to acknowledge that clean pants don’t just magically appear in his drawer, oh yes the bathroom’s been cleaned, yay my dry cleaning has arrived, dinner is on the table every night, DC’s school uniform is ready for tomorrow etc.

This makes sense. Ok investment banking, I understand there isn't usually flexibility. And the hours and so he wouldn't have much time outside work at all

Perhaps you do know what you want to some degree. We shout try to summarise:

• more sleep. It sounds like you might be able to set alarms etc to remind you to go to bed. Prioritise your favourite TV shows etc.. try this out, and ask for a nap once a weekend.
• less stress about childcare, life admin etc. Whether it's through doing less, lower standards or support. This is the trickiest for me. I'd try again to pay for support. You might pay someone to do drop offs but collect kids earlier one day to spend extra time with them. You might try to find a cleaner and stick with them so they learn your routines.

• recognition from your husband of the work you're doing at home. Like thanks for putting X away. I suggest you speak to him and tell him you need acknowledgement. Equally I wonder how he feels. Does he like his job? Does he feel valued. I've noticed with my husband if he's having a crap time at work he forgets to be polite, like he's mirroring work behaviour I guess.

• I think you either want to progress in your role or feel more valued. How is work generally? Do you like your job? Is it what you want to do? Do you feel valued? Is anything missing. Once you work this out talk to your husband about how you might get there and any barriers.

The more I think about this it's not you. It's understandable why you're a angry. Your brain is telling you something needs to change.

I feel exactly the same, I'm so angry everyday. Today's issue I'm in a new job still learning the ropes. There is an email out today to all staff reminding them on the way things are run and not to do this certain thing. I did this certain thing when trying to help someone out. It will never happen again. I feel like walking out throwing my toys out of the pram. Shouting screaming stomping my feet. It's ruined my day everyone will know it's me. Years ago I would of laughed it off or shrugged my shoulders.

Does he enjoy his job?

It seems like you're facilitating him having a high flying career, by taking on the primary parent role, despite the fact that you'd prefer a chance at career progression too.

So you get a financially comfortable life, and kids, and feel you can't complain, as many people don't have that. But he gets a financially comfortable life, and kids, and also the pride and social recognition and freedom (and possibly enjoyment) of a great career. Although both of you are privileged financially, there's an unfairness between you.

It's a tricky one, because I think it's very hard to get someone to truly understand what you do for them unless you can switch places from time to time, which isn't possible here. Maybe talking about it would help.

Does he look after the kids on his own much? That might be a good place to start.

What childcare are the DC in, OP?

In terms of paying for help/support, I was thinking a nanny might ease your load. A) you don’t need to do drop-off and pick-up and it eases the guilt that you’re not there if they’re in their own environment B) you have someone else the DC love in their lives, always a bonus C) things only get worse with school so a nanny-housekeeper type who’d do some light cleaning and school runs when yours are that age would potentially be good future-proofing. Worth a thought?

I am on mini-pill and fluox. I experience anger, rage. No kids.

I have fluox I wonder if that changes me.

Just wondering how your rage is now, OP? I got here by Googling “I feel angry all the time” and felt some solidarity with 2023 you - I also have two kids under 5 and a husband with an inflexible, demanding job. Tell me it gets better?!