If your twin is no longer alive how do you manage on your birthday ?

[amberedover]

I find other people's expectations that I should celebrate very difficult .I completely understand that they are wishing me a happy birthday and thinking of me ,but I find it hard .
Couple of phone calls and messages today asking me what my plans are and I just want to hide under the duvet .I find it easier to explain when responding to messages but the phone calls I find more difficult. The person sounds so bright and breezy (as you do wishing someone Happy Birthday )and it feels harder to completely change the tone .
It's only been a couple of years so I guess it will become more familiar .In the meantime any suggestions for polite phrases to warn people that I'm not feeling that jolly ?

No advice OP, but that sounds really tough. You dont have to justify yourself and your feelings to anybody, but I know that's easier said than done.

Im sorry you have to deal with this. I have twins, I can't imagine how they would cope not having each other to celebrate with. It's such a unique bond. Do what you need to do to get through the day, sending you my warmest wishes.

I think it’s a bit insensitive of good friends to wish you happy birthday without acknowledging your twin or even considering that it may be a difficult day for you.

You could say, thank you for your well wishes, I’m not sure what my plans are but will be having a quiet day and thinking about my sister/brother today.

Sorry for your loss.

They need to be more sensitive. Sorry you lost your twin.

I am so so sorry for you loss.

You're all very kind to post such nice messages .I'm surprised how much they mean to you -I guess I was wanting sympathy and a hug .Which I feel you've given me .

Actually ,since posting I suppose the first year I was braced and maybe others are thinking it's more in the past .I don't know ,we're all different I guess .

Thanks again though .I'm going to carry on with the hoover and mop !

Oh OP, that must be so hard. I think I'd ignore the phone calls to be honest, and hide under the duvet for as much of the day as you want/is possible

I'm so sorry. 🤍 It's obviously different but my older brother died (aged just 29) while with me, on my birthday and it was a traumatic experience.

I do have some of the same feelings. I've turned my birthday into a day of peace, gentleness and solitude. I'll reply to birthday texts in my own time and don't usually take calls. Not in a dramatic way, just because I don't feel like it. I don't meet up with friends and a large portion of the day I like to spend on my own, just doing what ever I feel like.

Hope this helps a little. I feel for you so much.

And thank you @Tamarindtree ,that's a useful suggestion .I need to have something like that prepared ,makes it easier .

I have a twin brother and have nonidea how I would cope in your situation. My birthday has always been "our" birthday. No advice, just lots of sympathy xx

Oh gosh @hadtoomuchsleep ,that's so sad .I can't imagine how traumatic that must have been and continues to be .
Thank you for the suggestions ,they are very helpful.

My birthday has always been "our" birthday. that's exactly it Auntie .
And do you know what ?,when younger I sometimes used to resent having to share it and not feeling special.
Feel so awful about that now .

Anyhow ,I'm getting into the danger zone of wallowing now so I'm going to take all your kind thoughts ,wrap them round me and try and keep busy .

And for anyone feeling blue and/or missing loved ones ,I found this beautiful poem yesterday

On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.

And when your eyes
freeze behind
the grey window
and the ghost of loss
gets into you,
may a flock of colours,
indigo, red, green
and azure blue,
come to awaken in you
a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays
in the currach of thought
and a stain of ocean
blackens beneath you,
may there come across the waters
a path of yellow moonlight
to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
may the clarity of light be yours,
may the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow
wind work these words
of love around you,
an invisible cloak
to mind your life.

John O'Donohue

So sorry for your loss. I don't know how I'd cope if I lost my twin so you are being very brave. I think hiding under the duvet sounds very reasonable.

I am a twin and I already imagine it will be difficult. I'm so sorry.

I really feel for you OP. I am not a twin but one of my best friends is, and her identical twin sister died 7 hours after birth. Apparently by her being the second born twin, she had more chance of survival (very premature and both very poorly, not sure of details or why being born second would help). There are a lot of 'why me and not her', wondering what she would be like, a lot of deep feelings. She feels close to her, visits the place she is buried and lights a candle for her. All the best to all of you who have lost much loved siblings.

@amberedover I'm so sorry for your loss. I guess since your situation is relatively rare, people just don't think :(

I'm not a twin, but my brother and I share a birthday (couple of years apart). It has never occurred to me until right now how it would be without him. We always ring and say "Happy birthday", "happy birthday to you too" and think we're funny... 😢

I have twins and when they were in a car crash each of them was more worried for the other one rather than themselves.

For all of the people I have lost in life I never remember the day they died but I always buy some flowers for in my house on their birthdays . Taking care to choose ones with them in mind, as I look at them over the week I am reminded of happy times and memories.

I am sorry for your loss 💐

Oh OP I'm so sorry.

Nowhere near the same thing, but I grew up best friends with my cousin. She died from cancer two days after my birthday when we were in our early twenties and so the two are very much linked for me. Even now many years later my friends who knew me then take care to mention her in their birthday texts. I think it's very insensitive of your friends who must surely know.

Over time it has gotten easier for me, and these days I tend to do a low key celebration - dinner with DH or similar. I find it easier to do it on a different day. But there's no rush, and it's ok if you never get there.

I find people are a bit daft about death OP. They don't mean to be, but some folk just either say nothing, or completely the wrong thing. It sounds like you have a lot of love around you, and although they're not getting it right, they're there nonetheless. That's a reflection on you, and the clearly lovely person you are. The only suggestion I have is that you could preemptively text everyone, let them know how it's going to be another tough birthday, you appreciate their best wishes, but on the day you're taking time out for yourself and your twin this year.
I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

Sorry for your loss and happy birthday. A friend lost his twin aged 24 to suicide. Every year is hard. He’s in his forties now, and I don’t mention his twin when wishing him a happy birthday, but he always makes big celebratory plans and I try to go if I can. It’s a priority for us as his friends to support him because his brothers death definitely affects him.

I haven’t read all the thread, so sorry if I’m am repeating others
Please don’t feel bad about resenting sharing a birthday when you were younger. I’m a twin and I’m pretty sure that most will have felt like that at some point!
Maybe in the future your birthday could be a day to spend as you choose and you could pick another date to celebrate your birthday. I have a friend who does this and it seems to work well for them

Have you come across the twinless twin group ? It is an organization set up by and for people in exactly your situation. Twins who have lost their twin at any time in life. It might be worth a look...

And this one lonetwinnetwork.org.uk/about/