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Original poster

Argument with husband - WIBU?

40 replies

squeezedmiddl · 17/01/2023 19:17

I'm so annoyed with my husband and offloading a bit but not sure if I am BU or just knackered.

Context is we have a very very boisterous toddler who's also having trouble going to sleep at the moment so I have to sit and hold his hand for an hour or so every night. Bedtimes getting very late and by the time he's down I'm usually shattered. (Might need to drop the nap soon). Also my elderly mother is in hospital with Covid and dementia and so I've been dealing with that. On top of that tomorrow is my first day at work in my new role which involves face to face teaching high level a new group the whole day - a LOT of planning over the last few weeks and today.

Husband has just told me he's going out for drinks with his friend tomorrow night straight after work so this means I'll have to come back from from my stressful day in new role, straight to pick up toddler from nursery, take him home and do dinner bath bedtime and go through the crying and handholding till after 9pm.

Husband says he told me about this drinks thing in bed before I went to sleep late the other night, along with some other forthcoming events. He says that I said "I'm too tired to think about it now can you tell me another time?". He said that was unreasonable of me and he shouldn't have to "book with my secretary if he wants to tell me about something". I said he didn't respect my feelings. I was obviously tired at the time and just about to go to sleep and knew I didn't have capacity to take on board thinking about dates for the calendar. My mental load is full.

Anyway the upshot is that I didn't take it onboard at the time and now he's told me (he says reminded me) it's tomorrow I'm feeling really pissed off. I was already nervous about tomorrow and now I'm dreading it as it's followed by 5-9pm of slog which I thought I'd have his support with. On another day it would be fine of course but I feel it's been sprung on me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

pictoosh · 17/01/2023 19:25

You are a bit. He did tell you.
That you sit and hold tot's hand for an hour is on you btw. I sympathise as to why but it's a hiding to nowhere except exhaustion.

Good luck for tommorrow. I suspect the demands of your new job will shake the hand-holding out of you soon enough. You'll find another way.

unsync · 17/01/2023 19:38

Why don't yu have a shared diary?

Parisj · 17/01/2023 19:49

I think yab a bit u. Unsurprisingly as you are stretched to the max.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

hennylovespens · 17/01/2023 19:50

Good luck for tomorrow!

In your position I'd have a really easy picky tea or a takeaway, have the toddler in my bed and possibly watch a kids film if they're old enough. Cuddle, snack and do as little as possible. Make it a treaty sleepover time for you guys. Dad's night out, your night in.

Also buy a calendar/ wall year planner so you can both write stuff without having to remembering to tell each other.

I get why you're annoyed, the timing is rubbish; but he brought it up twice. Try not to focus on this time but how you'd like to differently in the future.

Motelschmotel · 17/01/2023 19:52

Ack, I feel you. You’re not unreasonable, he’s not unreasonable, but he could be a bit more understanding in the circumstances. You just need to find a system that can accommodate all the things you have going on in your lives.

Original poster

squeezedmiddl · 17/01/2023 20:04

unsync · 17/01/2023 19:38

Why don't yu have a shared diary?

We do but he didn't add it. He said he shouldn't need to liaise with me like a colleague in his office.

OP posts:

unsync · 17/01/2023 20:14

squeezedmiddl · 17/01/2023 20:04

We do but he didn't add it. He said he shouldn't need to liaise with me like a colleague in his office.

Show quote history

It would seem that he does. Teamwork etc.

MeinKraft · 17/01/2023 20:17

Sounds like you might need to make bedtime earlier, toddler could well be overtired especially if out all day at nursery and not sleeping til 9. I agree with the poster who said easy dinner - McDonald's or something and straight to bed. Kids don't need bathed every night - one night won't hurt.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/01/2023 20:23

Good luck tomorrow!

Get an early night if you can. Prep what you can tonight so it goes as well as it can.

You haven’t asked for sleep advice but can I recommend this The Rabbit Who Wants to Fall Asleep: A New Way of Getting Children to Sleep amzn.eu/d/9cF23bH as it’s been a total game changer for DD and loads of people I know.

I’d let your annoyance about his drinks go. He did tell you, he should have

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/01/2023 20:24

Sorry. He should have put it in the diary. But it’s done now and it’s not worth a spat before a busy day.

Sussexlass84 · 17/01/2023 20:27

squeezedmiddl · 17/01/2023 20:04

We do but he didn't add it. He said he shouldn't need to liaise with me like a colleague in his office.

Show quote history

Well on this he's being ridiculous. Shared calendars make everyone's loves easier.

By refusing to use the shared calendar he's just expecting you to remember even more than normal.

And no, I don't think he should be going out the first night of your new role...I'd hope he'd be home to give you some support!

Eastereggsboxedupready · 17/01/2023 20:27

Who's bonkers idea was hand holding for an hour?

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/01/2023 20:27

Well if no one has to liaise I'd be booking some lovely time to myself, telling him when he's almost asleep and leaving him to parent a LOT. Sauce for the goose.

Original poster

squeezedmiddl · 17/01/2023 20:30

Eastereggsboxedupready · 17/01/2023 20:27

Who's bonkers idea was hand holding for an hour?

I don't know if you've ever experienced a sleep regression with your DC but it's like that basically. It's either do that or go in and out the bedroom to a screaming sobbing child for 2 hours.

OP posts:

Sarahcoggles · 17/01/2023 20:30

50-50 I'd say.
He did tell you. But it would have been better if he'd done bed time this evening given he's out tomorrow.

But I'm a bit confused with all the posts giving you hints on how to cope with this night of sheer torture. I mean, how do you think single parents or spouses of shift workers cope?! It's just one evening and it's just one child.

GrumpyPanda · 17/01/2023 20:31

If it's not in the calendar then he should cancel. You did warn him you couldn't take it in at that point.

And why were you doing the entire nightly routine by your lonesome tonight? How does he pitch in normally?

HappiestHippo123 · 17/01/2023 20:32

As MrsTerryPratchett said I’d be booking my own evening. Use it to nap on your friends sofa if you want. Or read a book in the pub.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/01/2023 20:34

HappiestHippo123 · 17/01/2023 20:32

As MrsTerryPratchett said I’d be booking my own evening. Use it to nap on your friends sofa if you want. Or read a book in the pub.

I'd bloody love to spend the evening reading a book in a pub.

Do that OP.

cptartapp · 17/01/2023 20:35

Does DH ever take a turn with the crying and handholding thing?
I'd make trying to putting a stop to that a priority after the next couple of weeks.

TheChosenTwo · 17/01/2023 20:37

Both of you a bit but you seem knackered and stressed so I can understand why you think it’s all him.
The hand holding thing is a bit ridiculous sorry, I sleep trained all my dc so never had any of this being held hostage by a 2 year Le nonsense. If you’re not prepared to tackle this then I guess it’s not going to change any time soon.
He should have added it to the shared calendar if that’s a system you use usually.
good luck with the new role tomorrow 💐
Hope your mum is doing okay, are you allowed in to see her at the moment?

Natty13 · 17/01/2023 20:49

squeezedmiddl · 17/01/2023 20:04

We do but he didn't add it. He said he shouldn't need to liaise with me like a colleague in his office.

Show quote history

In my experience you can not talk things like this out. The ONLY way to have him appreciate the effect this has on you is to do it to him. Be "invited to drinks with your new colleagues" or "have an after work meeting to discuss my 1st week" or whatever next week. Spring it on him with no notice and let him do the pick up and bed time routine alone. Even if you just sit in your car for 3h it doesn't matter, he will understand when he goes through it.

Rainbowunicornsprinkles · 17/01/2023 21:14

I feel your pain op on the sleep.

My 7year old is having a tough time at the moment & im currently sat in his room waiting for him to go to sleep. It could be an hour 😒.

I’d still rather this than leave him upset & keeping his brother awake. I’m telling myself it’s a phase while he’s ill & things will get better. We do take it in turns though (even though he only wants me). I usually read mumsnet a book.

IsleofDen · 17/01/2023 21:23

I'm assuming he knows that you start a new role tomorrow? Why on Earth would any supportive partner go out for drinks on that night of all nights?

Regardless of if he told you or not, he’s being a dick.

Diffuserqueen · 17/01/2023 21:25

Both really. I understand why you want him home but god it’s shit for him to be treated like this, some form of hindrance, told to tell you another time and then having a pissed off partner just as he wants to go out. I’d hate that.

im kinda with him, I’d not accept my husband treating me like that.

rainyskylight · 17/01/2023 21:38

I think you need to learn to say to your toddler that it’s bedtime, and then just ignore the angry tears for a bit. Your hand is not teddy bear.

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