Argument with husband - WIBU?

[squeezedmiddl]

I'm so annoyed with my husband and offloading a bit but not sure if I am BU or just knackered.

Context is we have a very very boisterous toddler who's also having trouble going to sleep at the moment so I have to sit and hold his hand for an hour or so every night. Bedtimes getting very late and by the time he's down I'm usually shattered. (Might need to drop the nap soon). Also my elderly mother is in hospital with Covid and dementia and so I've been dealing with that. On top of that tomorrow is my first day at work in my new role which involves face to face teaching high level a new group the whole day - a LOT of planning over the last few weeks and today.

Husband has just told me he's going out for drinks with his friend tomorrow night straight after work so this means I'll have to come back from from my stressful day in new role, straight to pick up toddler from nursery, take him home and do dinner bath bedtime and go through the crying and handholding till after 9pm.

Husband says he told me about this drinks thing in bed before I went to sleep late the other night, along with some other forthcoming events. He says that I said "I'm too tired to think about it now can you tell me another time?". He said that was unreasonable of me and he shouldn't have to "book with my secretary if he wants to tell me about something". I said he didn't respect my feelings. I was obviously tired at the time and just about to go to sleep and knew I didn't have capacity to take on board thinking about dates for the calendar. My mental load is full.

Anyway the upshot is that I didn't take it onboard at the time and now he's told me (he says reminded me) it's tomorrow I'm feeling really pissed off. I was already nervous about tomorrow and now I'm dreading it as it's followed by 5-9pm of slog which I thought I'd have his support with. On another day it would be fine of course but I feel it's been sprung on me.

AIBU?

I use an app called Moshi, it helps chill him out, he's got a disco ball to distract, and (with help of melatonin - he has ASD) he's asleep.

Prior to this, bedtime was taking up to 2 hours.

Good luck for tomorrow x

I used to have to sit with mine for an hour so I empathise with you. (It got better). I think I would do as a previous poster said... bring him in your bed, read a book yourself or watch something together. Get yourself in your jammies early, fully ready for bed, and just go to bed with him. Take some wine if you like... just don't be spending the time waiting for him to sleep, do something you enjoy in that time too.

I agree

Yanbu

I agree with this, and actually I think the rest is almost a red herring. Is he supportive of your new role?

He doesn’t support your new role

he expects you to mentally log all his activities because he can’t be arsed to use the diary

he’s leaving you with 4 hours of solo childcare when you’re already knackered.

he doesn’t give a shit OP. You’re the skivvy

Get TimeTree! We agree if it's not in TimeTree it's not happening and works well for us

Yes!!

I remember doing a similar bedtime with Ds. He didn’t sleep more than 90 mins until he was at school I think. I quite often used to fall asleep with him. It wasn’t perfect certainly but I just did what I could to get any rest.
Is he supportive of the role? It’s a bit shit to leave that to you on your first day.

I'd be cross about not writing it on the calendar and his response for not doing so as much as anything!!! What a twat.

He's being massively unreasonable to leave all the drudge to you, even if he did mention it as you were falling asleep. If it's just basic drinks with the lads, why can't he cancel this time? Are his mates more important than his exhausted wife?

I agree with others. Spring something on him last minute and see how he likes it. It's the only way he'll appreciate what you do.

YANBU - did he definitely tell you? Or is he just telling you he told you IYSWIM? I think its odd he would say something like that while you are falling asleep and also your "reply" sounds like you were annoyed - I'd remember that conversation if it was me.

I wonder if he knows he's BU going out but is making it "your fault" as a defense mechanism.

I agree with mrsTP - I'd be book8ng a full night out straight after work myself and leaving him to it.

In my house, even if it was in the calendar, my DH would have cancelled as dementia mum in covid + 1st day new job + DC needs support.

He just wouldn’t do this to me nor I him.

YANBU.

If its not on the calendar it's not happening in our house. It's not about consulting as if you're his secretary or colleague. It's about respect for all that you do for the family he chose to create.

A busy family cannot function without a calender on the kitchen wall.
You are both entitled to a night off occasionally.

Nearly every child kicks back against bedtime.Your job is to teach him how to sleep

Nearly every child kicks back against bedtime.Your job is to teach him how to sleep

Wow thanks for that @fUNNYfACE36

Your children slept perfectly I assume. My child slept perfectly too until a month ago when this started. We are navigating it as best we can and at the moment he is going through a regression so I'm doing what I can to avoid hours of screaming and working himself up into a state where us is unable to sleep.