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Original poster

Do you get time on your own

38 replies

Itsabitmuch · 17/01/2023 10:45

I have to constantly deal with stuff. Everything comes to me . It's basically been on going for many years I don't know how much more can be thrown at me. Just to name a few . 2 evictions with children, DV for my daughter which triggered social services. And is still on going for the past couple of years. My grandson was almost put into care . Although he was not that was one of the worst times ever. And I'm still heavily supporting my daughter with the situation. Then my teenage son he's been through a really hard time with his mental health and had shown lots of aggression towards me. To the point I was/am scared of him. The times he smashed up my house. The times he's jumped from the window and gone missing .or come in at silly times of the mornings. Things come to ahead when he took an overdose and CAMHS actually stepped up after us begging for help. It took for my son to OD before they done anything. With my son he's not as aggressive now although he's still very demanding and I do still feel on edge with him.

On top of all that. I have the house to look after and the kids in general terms. Even if I go in the kitchen to cook /make food I'm on borrowed time. Because my 15 year old makes a thing with everyone. Its either the 15 and 12 year old arguing and going on. Or the 15 year old having a go at the 6 and 7 year old for playing or making a noise and he likes to take over everything. It sounds like I'm constantly blaming on the 15 year old but there is lots of issues with him. I'm not saying the others don't play some part but his gos to far. And because of his aggression I'm more wary and have to be sure the other children are safe. Then the kids moan at me that the food is crap such as chicken nuggets or fish fingers . But I can't cook properly because I'm on borrowed time.

Things that should be simple like popping to the shop or a dentist appointment I have to take all 3 kids instead of just the 2 because I can't leave the 12 year old with the 15 year old .

I don't get (any) time on my own at all. My son does not go to school so he's constantly here. He's very over baring and does not know when to stop. Last night he went to stay at my adult daughters house last night. I felt like I was going to get the whole day on my own. Music on. Have a tidy up day. No one speaking to me. But no he changed his mind and came home. And now I have adult dd here as well because they are doing something later.

I love my kids to bits I truly do. But I just want a bit of me time. Sorry if my post is hard to understand. Or a bit mixed up. Just a sound of really.

OP posts:
Notyetacatlady · 17/01/2023 10:56

It does sound like you have it tougher than most. Not your fault life has a way of dishing out problems sometimes. It does sound like you son is causing a lot of the issues. Does he have sen? Can you look into getting respite for him occasionally. You need a carers assessment. Does he get DLA as this could help with paying for interventions and support which you both need. Your early help team within your local authority will run classes around this area and may be able to offer other support. You can self refer.
Not to be rude and you don’t need to answer but are any of the fathers around. Your 15 year old may benefit from staying with him for a while and it may benefit your other dc and give you a break.
Contact your local carers service for both you and your other dc.
must feel like a slog when you have so much in but it’s worth pushing for any support in offer.

To answer your op yes I do get time to myself but I don’t have the same difficulties you have and I have fewer dc. It’s irrelevant though as clearly most people won’t have been through what you have.

Comedycook · 17/01/2023 11:00

Wow, that sounds really tough. How many kids do you have in total? I read it as six kids in total? Is that right? Saying this to you in the kindest kindest way, but with six kids, you are always going to be busy.

Comedycook · 17/01/2023 11:02

Is there a plan in place for your ds if he's not going to school?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

12 year olds 15 year olds 7 year olds Families
Original poster
Itsabitmuch · 17/01/2023 11:23

Notyetacatlady · 17/01/2023 10:56

It does sound like you have it tougher than most. Not your fault life has a way of dishing out problems sometimes. It does sound like you son is causing a lot of the issues. Does he have sen? Can you look into getting respite for him occasionally. You need a carers assessment. Does he get DLA as this could help with paying for interventions and support which you both need. Your early help team within your local authority will run classes around this area and may be able to offer other support. You can self refer.
Not to be rude and you don’t need to answer but are any of the fathers around. Your 15 year old may benefit from staying with him for a while and it may benefit your other dc and give you a break.
Contact your local carers service for both you and your other dc.
must feel like a slog when you have so much in but it’s worth pushing for any support in offer.

To answer your op yes I do get time to myself but I don’t have the same difficulties you have and I have fewer dc. It’s irrelevant though as clearly most people won’t have been through what you have.

There's no way of getting restbite because he's 15 can't force him to stay anywhere. Early help are not helpful we have tried then. Seems to be more for people who are not sure how to access things.

Hes being seen by CAMHS so he's working with them. But there's no diagnosis as yet.

I have forgot what else it was going to say

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsabitmuch · 17/01/2023 11:35

Comedycook · 17/01/2023 11:02

Is there a plan in place for your ds if he's not going to school?

He was going to college. Only went twice because he decided the math teacher was out to get him and he refused to go again. CAMHS are working with hon on that.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 17/01/2023 11:38

Ok, so I presume all the other kids are at school and it's just you and him at home during the day? What does he do with his time?

Notyetacatlady · 17/01/2023 11:46

I know it’s really difficult and you can’t physically force him but you need to be firm and gain back some control of your 15 year old. It may mean things get worse for a short time but you need to remain strong and consistent. He needs to know without a doubt that he cannot continue to behave this way. You are the parent and you are in control. It is doable. I’ve seen it happen but it takes commitment from you.
you need to frame it to yourself that this is unfair in your other dc. You cannot continue to subject them to his abuse. It is damaging their childhood and setting them a awful example. Of course you have responsibilities to your son but you also have a responsibility to your other dc. You need to take charge.
your dd has had a hard time with Children’s services but it sounds like you need them. You are struggling and your dc are children in need. It’s not a failure to ask for help. You can only do so much alone. There are avenues of support you just have to be very persistent and open to them.
i understand about the respite but your son needs to be told this is happening as a result of his behaviour end of.
I get he probably has sen but he cannot abuse people regardless

bumpytrumpy · 17/01/2023 11:46

You need support from social services or similar.

Do you work?

How many children do you have? Can you talk to the younger ones primary school about referrals to parenting / social support. You need to stop them going the same way as the older ones.

Don't have any more children! Don't encourage your daughter to have any more either.

Are any of the dads around?

The 15yo sounds difficult in response to a chaotic home life. Is there anywhere he can go to access more stability?

Has your older daughter sought support to make better relationship choices? Did she witness DV / abuse at home with you? She needs to take responsibility to avoid repeating your mistakes & problems of her childhood.

There is a long hard road ahead, and very little of it involves getting "time for yourself" I'm afraid. It's time to step up and parent the kids you have created.

Wellwell82 · 17/01/2023 11:47

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Wellwell82 · 17/01/2023 11:48

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Wellwell82 · 17/01/2023 11:48

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Original poster
Itsabitmuch · 17/01/2023 11:59

Thank you for everyone replys which are really kind. But I just want to add that I'm not looking for it to be "fixed" this has been an on going thing that we are working on with CAMHS. It's also not as simple ad taking control kicking his butt etc . If it was that would have been done a long time ago . Please don't think I don't t appreciate reply though its just the answer is not always straightforward.

It was really more of a sound of and my selfish side saying what about me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsabitmuch · 17/01/2023 12:01

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There are possible mental health issues making him think that way.

OP posts:
Wellwell82 · 17/01/2023 12:02

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AffIt · 17/01/2023 12:03

Are there any local charities or support groups near you that support families and might be able to offer a bit of relief - perhaps a day out for the younger ones or even a 'buddy type' system?

I appreciate that doesn't touch the sides of the challenges you're facing with your son, but it might give you a little bit of breathing space.

Original poster
Itsabitmuch · 17/01/2023 12:19

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Well yes I 100% know its hard for the other kids as well . But its me who does my best for them. And I put everyone before myself. I just wanted to moan

OP posts:
WildFlowerBees · 17/01/2023 12:30

I feel for you op a friend of mine is going through similar sorts of issues, there's 9 kids between her and her dh (most are adults but you wouldn't know it)

Im watching her have a slow breakdown she cannot cope with anymore her youngest speaks to her like dirt demands picking up screaming down the phone at her, her 'd'h although he can see how much she has on her plate doesn't protect her in any way, complains if she's not home because she's caring for an infirm parent or dealing with one of the kids he piles on as much shit as the rest of the family but she won't stand up for herself.

I don't know the answer, you sound overwhelmed and I really hope you find some peace soon. 💐

Original poster
Itsabitmuch · 17/01/2023 12:37

WildFlowerBees · 17/01/2023 12:30

I feel for you op a friend of mine is going through similar sorts of issues, there's 9 kids between her and her dh (most are adults but you wouldn't know it)

Im watching her have a slow breakdown she cannot cope with anymore her youngest speaks to her like dirt demands picking up screaming down the phone at her, her 'd'h although he can see how much she has on her plate doesn't protect her in any way, complains if she's not home because she's caring for an infirm parent or dealing with one of the kids he piles on as much shit as the rest of the family but she won't stand up for herself.

I don't know the answer, you sound overwhelmed and I really hope you find some peace soon. 💐

Thank you for understanding and really getting it. I hope things get better for your friend. Its nice she has a friend like you to understand

OP posts:
WildFlowerBees · 17/01/2023 12:51

From listening to my friend there are barely any mental health resources no one seems to be able to help. Sometimes I want to storm into her house and tell the lot of them to get their shit together which of course I wouldn't. They all see her as passive as a doormat when in actual fact she is so overwhelmed by the curveballs life has thrown her way continually for the past 5 years she no longer has it in her to fight.

My door is always open to her and the times I can get her to me for a cup of tea or a glass of wine we put our phones on silent for up to an hour because if they can't get hold of her they ring me.

She talks if she wants to or we talk about absolutely everything but, it's so hard to see my friend of 20 plus years reduced to a shadow of herself.

Is there anyone you can have a cuppa with even if it's just 30 mins?

Oncemoreoh · 17/01/2023 12:53

Well with 6 kids I don’t know what you expected! Where is the father / fathers @Itsabitmuch

WildFlowerBees · 17/01/2023 13:01

@Oncemoreoh have some compassion, op is overwhelmed it's not as cut and dried as 'well with that many kids what did you expect' you sound so cruel and lacking in any sort of empathy. This isn't the thread for you so there was no need to comment.

Original poster
Itsabitmuch · 17/01/2023 13:09

WildFlowerBees · 17/01/2023 12:51

From listening to my friend there are barely any mental health resources no one seems to be able to help. Sometimes I want to storm into her house and tell the lot of them to get their shit together which of course I wouldn't. They all see her as passive as a doormat when in actual fact she is so overwhelmed by the curveballs life has thrown her way continually for the past 5 years she no longer has it in her to fight.

My door is always open to her and the times I can get her to me for a cup of tea or a glass of wine we put our phones on silent for up to an hour because if they can't get hold of her they ring me.

She talks if she wants to or we talk about absolutely everything but, it's so hard to see my friend of 20 plus years reduced to a shadow of herself.

Is there anyone you can have a cuppa with even if it's just 30 mins?

You honestly sound like a super friend. Believe me she really does appreciate you. It will mean so much to her. It's probably you that keeps her strong. Your replies have been lovely because it shows you understand and get it. Its kind of nice that you don't just think there is a simple answer. It's just nice that you understand. Your friend is lucky to have you . 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsabitmuch · 17/01/2023 13:10

WildFlowerBees · 17/01/2023 13:01

@Oncemoreoh have some compassion, op is overwhelmed it's not as cut and dried as 'well with that many kids what did you expect' you sound so cruel and lacking in any sort of empathy. This isn't the thread for you so there was no need to comment.

Thank you 💐

OP posts:
WildFlowerBees · 17/01/2023 13:15

Are you getting any practical help at all? Are you able to take a 20 minute walk to get some breathing space without it all going nuclear at home?

Original poster
Itsabitmuch · 17/01/2023 13:40

WildFlowerBees · 17/01/2023 13:15

Are you getting any practical help at all? Are you able to take a 20 minute walk to get some breathing space without it all going nuclear at home?

A couple of weeks ago I rushed going to the shop alone. Its practically 20 odd houses away . And I still ended up with phone calls telling me about madness and to hurry up. I have not trued since. To be honest I do get 40 mins in my own when I'm on the bus. But that does not feel the same Moyne I'm being ungrateful maybe I should class that as time alone

I think because last night my son went to my adults daughters house and said he was staying over. Then he was going straight to therapy. So in my head I was thinking: YES!! Kids are at school come home put some music on. Tidy up in axrelaced Manor. No one talking to me or demanding. I just wanted to be alone .

OP posts:
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