I also have a side of the family that is gossipy so I get that you grew up with it being “normal” and it’s a learned behaviour for you. It’s good that you’re breaking the cycle.
My aunts and grandmother were like this and at family gatherings they would compete against each other with exaggerated details about their neighbours, old family friends and so on. I found it quite boring as a teenager listening to them talk about people who I hadn’t got a clue who they were. It was also really horrible hearing them being very judgmental about people.
I have found that when I am going to meet people I sometimes plan what to say ahead if I get asked about a friend or recent situation. For example a friend was splitting up with her husband, he was an alcoholic which got worse when they had a child, and had been violent one evening and she’d had to lock herself in the bathroom and get the police. So a “juicy and dramatic” story that is ripe for gossiping about. But it was not fair to share it, who knows who would pass it on and exaggerate what happened, what if it got back to the ex and created an issue for my friend?
I decided that when meeting with friends that were more acquaintances for her that I would not share anything, it’s not my news or information to disclose. The friends asked and pestered, I said I didn’t know the details but hoped that my friend was ok as it’s never nice when people split up, and then changed the subject. I got asked again, oh you must know something, it’s ok you can tell us, we won’t talk about it to anyone. I said , No honesty if you want to know more you’ll have to ask her, I don’t have anything I am able to share about it.
Yes the people were disappointed but you know what? My friend’s distress and experience was not for fodder for their entertainment. They were not interested in helping or supporting her. Just the drama and relishing in it. I am not friends with that group anymore. I realised that we acted as characters in a story for them, we served a purpose as a source of material, we were not really people to them.
And so I have just gossiped about them now 🙁 I am well aware of the irony of that. But I hope you can see my point that it’s the lasting impression and damage that gossiping can do is not worth it. You might feel like the cool person for a while because people are listening to you, but at what cost.
Arm yourself with some phrases that deflect, distract and move the conversation on. Give yourself a reward when you use them instead of gossiping. Don’t beat yourself up too much if you slip up, it’s like any habit that you need to reform, it’ll take time. Good luck and sorry for such a long post!