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Original poster

I am such a gossip and I HATE it

53 replies

WhatsMyUsername89 · 13/01/2023 22:50

I’ve taken the past few years to really work on myself and try to become a better version of myself.

but I still feel terrible. I am such a gossip, I can’t keep my mouth shut. I have to tell someone. I really don’t know why I struggle so much, it’s definitely a family trait as I know all family members are the same.

Friend A will ask about Friend B and instead of me saying a short and sweet answer I have to tell everyone everything.

then I spend days/weeks riddled with complete and utter guilt.

I have improved on this area but I still really struggle with it. I don’t know why and I don’t know how to stop. Please be kind, I know I am a terrible person but I really want to be a better person.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 13/01/2023 22:55

I really empathise as I am the same. The number of times I wish I could snatch back my words as they tumble out of my mouth!!

I think (diagnosing myself) there's an aspect of people pleasing and wanting to be liked, and also a sense of "being in the know" and attention seeking. It's awful and I have to work really hard to overcome it, so I try and force myself to ask the person I'm speaking to 3 questions for every one question I answer and the things I say have to be about myself and not other people!!

Ladybug14 · 13/01/2023 22:57

Wear an elastic band on your wrist and twang it every time you go to say anything. Anything at all. Make sure it hurts. It'll ensure that you think before you speak

Bunce1 · 13/01/2023 22:58

Are you disclosing personal info or just chit chat. So

Fir example… how’s Angela?

  1. She’s great, the new front door got fitted abd sges really pleased. She thinks she’s going to paint the windows now as well. She’s off to Costa Rica at water the lucky thing!

  2. she’s great, swanning off long haul again, I think they’re minted, she said she’d just got promoted and I think she’s well into 6 figures now. Lucky bitch.

option 1, not gossip, option 2, bit gossipy

Original poster
WhatsMyUsername89 · 13/01/2023 23:00

@Xiaoxiong thank you so much for your comment. It makes me feel as if I’m not alone. I am the same, I say something and as I’ve finished my sentence I am filled with such dread and regret.

Only a few months ago, my friends were trying to find out information about a mutual friends breakup. And I didn’t spill a single thing. The relief and freedom I had from just keeping my mouth shut was immense, why can’t I do it more!

OP posts:
beezlebubnicky · 13/01/2023 23:01

I used to have a real taste for gossip, and it eventually got me into hot water. That experience cured me of the need to do it for good!

I think you have to ask yourself why you do it - is it to get people to like you more? To bond with others? Because there's ways of doing those things that don't involve gossip. Gossip may seem harmless, but one way or another things often get back to people, and it can do real damage to others.

When people try to engage me in gossipy conversations or tell me catty things about others, I just reply with "Oh really", "Mmm" or say non-committal things like "It's hard to judge, isn't it.' They usually get the message to change the subject.

Original poster
WhatsMyUsername89 · 13/01/2023 23:02

@Bunce1 100% option 2.

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 13/01/2023 23:05

I think you probably need to try some of the strategies mentioned above and perhaps try and get to the root off it

sometimes having watched a good film or read a good book is a good place to draw on for conversation starters. Or even subject changers.

I juts think- would I want anyone to speak about me like that? Nope. Discretion and being a good conversationalist are excellent goals to strive for.

Original poster
WhatsMyUsername89 · 13/01/2023 23:06

im desperately trying to stop this before I end up in really hot water.

I know people don’t trust me, because of course as the old saying goes… if someone’s talking about others to you.. they’re likely doing it about you.

from a young age I remember my mum saying things about my Aunt to my other aunt “she’s got a promotion, but of course her husbands cheating again”. & it’s taken me a really long time to realise how wrong that is. I genuinely believed long into adulthood that’s normal. Maybe that’s the first step in my journey to end this. Realising the first root problem

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatsMyUsername89 · 13/01/2023 23:07

@Bunce1 thankyou. Channelling myself to be a good conversationalist is actually a fantastic idea. then I’ll be aware of many other things to talk about.

I’ve had friendships that genuinely are built
on just gossiping about others!

OP posts:
EndlessTea · 13/01/2023 23:22

I think it is better to think of it as complaining and badmouthing - basically, bonding through negativity. If you don’t play along, you will come across as a bit aloof, so I think the easiest way to avoid it, is to avoid negative people as much as you can and develop healthy boundaries so you don’t let yourself down when they are unavoidable. Try to hang out with people you admire who have better social strategies and you can try to emulate how they handle things with grace. You might need to tolerate awkward silences and let them speak first.

Since it is your family’s way of bonding, you should probably develop really strict boundaries with them to start. Keep visits short, think in advance how you will act and speak when you are there.

Eventually you will be able to break the habit.

Waitrise · 13/01/2023 23:26

Try and focus on that horrible feeling you get afterwards before you start to speak. It might help you to not gossip at all or at least reduce the content somewhat .

ForestofD · 13/01/2023 23:29

You are building your life on pushing others down to make yourself feel better. I use the swimming pool analogy- real friends will try and help you float and swim so you can all get from one side to another. People like you will push people under the water so they can get ahead.

However- I think it is really, really admirable that you have recognised it and you are trying to actively change it.

I know it seems harsh but I have a teenage daughter who is trying to deal with all of this crap at school- mainly girls chatting nonsense to try and make her feel small about herself. Gossip is a currency which they trade in- whether it's true or not; and the impact it has is awful. It's clear they do it to 'stay ahead' and be the cool girls but bloody hell, it's horrible for the recipient.

IsThereAPenOfIt · 13/01/2023 23:29

Five years ago I moved to a town, whereas I'd always lived in cities before.
Gossip carries more social hazards in such a small place. So I've developed new habits:

  1. Only talk about my own personal life with a very few close friends who live here. Acquaintances get no personal info from me.
  2. If I really want to vent or gossip about someone else in town, I either talk about them with one of my old city friends who will never, ever meet them; or I discuss the situation with someone here in the town who doesn't know them, and keep all identifying details and names out of it.
  3. I also keep shtum about lots of things. There's info about marriages, plastic surgery and debt that I haven't whispered to a soul. It's not perfect, but it keeps me & others fairly safe.
Ostagazuzulum · 13/01/2023 23:30

Same, I do it, can't really stop myself and feel awful after. As I think it's more dignified not to gossip. You're not alone. I think I do it as I'm a bit socially awkward and never know what else to talk about and am a people pleaser as a previous poster mentioned. Plus I suppose sometimes I think I say it to be in the know rather than always feeling outside the group looking in (not an actual group but you know what I mean) Sometimes I make a huge effort not to say anything and i try to stick to a policy to only be seen to be saying nice things if you talk about people, don't repeat stuff that may be hurtful. It's hard and sometimes I find my mouth rubbing away. It's getting better the older I am but I wish I didn't do it at all

Flittingaboutagain · 13/01/2023 23:30

I think you should also prepare set statements so as people ask you questions expecting you to spill the beans you're ready not to and don't waiver. I have a friend who doesn't gossip as such and doesn't share mean things but does go into way too much private detail about others eg yes Lisa is fine but her husband is having night terrors about Iraq so she's trying to persuade him to get therapy etc. She is totally oblivious and now I just say stop I don't want to know their business like that! I think she likes to come across as knowing things/being special to someone.

helloimnew123 · 13/01/2023 23:33

I use to love a gossip but have actively avoided it for a few years now.
I 100% use to love feeling included and 'in the know' about everything. I do think it can be a great bonding tool if not done is a nasty way.

Iv made a new group of friends recently and I actively don't talk about anyone to anyone else. I try to focus on that person and enjoy time with them. BUT I do wonder if I'm a bit of an outsider now. And I find it really hard to get a feel for the group dynamics. By keeping myself to myself I feel a bit boring and out of the loop

pennysays · 13/01/2023 23:36

One thing people love even more than gossiping is talking about themselves. You could try turning the subject back on people “oh yes, I also heard X is having a hard time at work. I hope she’s ok. How is your work going?”

So reformed people pleasers might use this trick to veer away from gossiping about others but still giving you company something interesting to talk about - themselves!

pennysays · 13/01/2023 23:41

I also have some stock one liners that I use to draw myself away from detail and to the bigger picture like “I hope this new chapter in her life brings her peace…” or “it’s so hard isn’t it, so many people are struggling at the moment” or “new babies / moving house / divorce can be so hard… what was it like when you moved to this area?” And pivot back to the person you are with.

EndlessTea · 13/01/2023 23:45

Some good tips. Another thing you could have a nice bond with people about OP, is this struggle of yours. You’ve made yourself vulnerable by naming something about yourself you want to change, and it gives other people an opportunity to share their own thing with you. If you chat about self-improvement, then there’s no need to bring in anyone else’s business and the bond can be be deep and really satisfying.

EndlessTea · 13/01/2023 23:48

pennysays · 13/01/2023 23:41

I also have some stock one liners that I use to draw myself away from detail and to the bigger picture like “I hope this new chapter in her life brings her peace…” or “it’s so hard isn’t it, so many people are struggling at the moment” or “new babies / moving house / divorce can be so hard… what was it like when you moved to this area?” And pivot back to the person you are with.

Yes, this is a good strategy to deflect. It’s showing a bit of empathy with the person instead of treating them like a tool.

Tinner01 · 14/01/2023 00:29

Sympathy OP, I am like this- will sometimes share details that I know could make things extremely uncomfortable for me as well as others!

Anisina · 14/01/2023 00:31

Everyone gossips. People who say they don't are liars.

PartySock · 14/01/2023 00:37

I understand completely where you are coming from because I have the same issue. I think I have/had no filter and no awareness! I just mostly keep quiet nowadays, it's a lot easier.

Nicanabanana · 14/01/2023 00:40

If you are using gossip to engage people in chats that they will enjoy, can I suggest another tactic that works equally well, ask them questions about stuff going on in their life. Take a genuine interest in them and focus on their life and your life in conversations. It is really rare that I or the people I speak to gossip about others because we have enough to chat about from our own lives. Even mundane shit like Netflix, family stuff etc People genuinely love talking about what is going on with them. Honestly it does work.

Lalliella · 14/01/2023 01:07

I used to be like you! Then I told myself that there’s one thing I like more than gossip - secrets! So now I hug secrets to myself, feel superior about knowing things other people don’t, then when it comes out into the open I can say I knew all along but didn’t feel it was my place to say, then everyone thinks I’m all trustworthy and discreet!