Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

So my dd15 is seeing a boy, she wants to date him but he doesn’t want to date her just see her …..

45 replies

PromQueenDiamond · 08/01/2023 17:33

So personally I think we’ll he’s not that into her, and perhaps he’s a user
they go to school together and she sees him outside of school once a week

anyway how would you feel in this situation and what would you say to your dd?

they've been seeing each other good couple of months

Part of me thinks, as we are close and she tells me everything
do I just know too much ?

I mean I wouldn’t have told my parents this at 15

OP posts:
Original poster
PromQueenDiamond · 08/01/2023 17:43

Anyone have any input ?

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 08/01/2023 17:45

Hmm. She's young. But seeing someone rather than going out with them, is a bit offensive, because they aren't into you enough to want to make you their proper girlfriend. If she goes into it, knowingly, then fine.

pinneddownbytabbies · 08/01/2023 17:48

She needs to find out whether or not he is also 'seeing' but not 'dating' other girls as well.

Aside from everything else, this could cause friendship issues with other girls she knows, especially if he is also going out with any of them.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
daemonologie · 08/01/2023 17:49

It's what they do now don't become official for months. She should keep her options open and not get too emotionally reliant on him as he will 100% disappoint her.

Original poster
PromQueenDiamond · 08/01/2023 17:50

Oblomov22 · 08/01/2023 17:45

Hmm. She's young. But seeing someone rather than going out with them, is a bit offensive, because they aren't into you enough to want to make you their proper girlfriend. If she goes into it, knowingly, then fine.

Yes my feelings exactly, good enough for seeing and kissing etc but not good enough to be your girlfriend…..

but then I think maybe I know too much ?

OP posts:
Original poster
PromQueenDiamond · 08/01/2023 17:51

pinneddownbytabbies · 08/01/2023 17:48

She needs to find out whether or not he is also 'seeing' but not 'dating' other girls as well.

Aside from everything else, this could cause friendship issues with other girls she knows, especially if he is also going out with any of them.

According to her he is definitely not seeing any other girls or even messaging other girls

OP posts:
Original poster
PromQueenDiamond · 08/01/2023 17:55

I suppose I worry that she must have low self esteem or something to be willing to accept a few crumbs thrown at her ?

or am I worrying she’s going to get hurt

dh says even if they were dating she could still end up getting hurt as she only 15 so unlikely anyone she dates will be forever

but then I think, well yes highly unlikely to meet someone at 15 and stay with them
(yes I know there’s the odd exception etc) but I’m taking 99.9percent likely

I just worry why is she not saying
I’ve got standards
if you don’t want to date me fine, but I’m not seeing you anymore
we can be friends but that’s all

but maybe I’m too involved and I just know too much
she tells me everything and I’m wondering does she tell me too much ?

OP posts:
Original poster
PromQueenDiamond · 08/01/2023 17:56

daemonologie · 08/01/2023 17:49

It's what they do now don't become official for months. She should keep her options open and not get too emotionally reliant on him as he will 100% disappoint her.

Why do you think he will 100percent disappoint her ?

OP posts:
Keepfocused · 08/01/2023 17:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

mycatsanutter · 08/01/2023 18:03

I think it's good she is telling you , always good to keep the lines of communication open with teenagers . I personally would use this as an opportunity to talk about boundaries and respect . If he isn't speaking to other girls it sounds like he doesn't want the label of having a girlfriend and I would be questioning why - keeping his options open maybe ?

Summerhillsquare · 08/01/2023 18:06

What is the difference?

Janedoe82 · 08/01/2023 18:06

Proceed with caution. I was in a ‘relationship’ like this from 15 to 20ish.
It didn’t end particularly well, and though we remained friends until he died many years later, I am pretty sure I was trauma bonded and it did do my self esteem long term damage.

Original poster
PromQueenDiamond · 08/01/2023 18:08

Janedoe82 · 08/01/2023 18:06

Proceed with caution. I was in a ‘relationship’ like this from 15 to 20ish.
It didn’t end particularly well, and though we remained friends until he died many years later, I am pretty sure I was trauma bonded and it did do my self esteem long term damage.

Sorry to hear that
yes I do worry about this with her

I don’t know why she’s willing to accept his crumbs ?

OP posts:
saveforthat · 08/01/2023 18:08

I'm not sure I understand the difference.

titchy · 08/01/2023 18:09

mycatsanutter · 08/01/2023 18:03

I think it's good she is telling you , always good to keep the lines of communication open with teenagers . I personally would use this as an opportunity to talk about boundaries and respect . If he isn't speaking to other girls it sounds like he doesn't want the label of having a girlfriend and I would be questioning why - keeping his options open maybe ?

Yeah this absolutely. If she is happy seeing someone and doesn't want a commitment that's absolutely fine. But if the other person does, or she does and they don't, then she needs to recognise they're not on the same page and the one who doesn't want to commit is being quite disrespectful to the other.

pinneddownbytabbies · 08/01/2023 18:09

To be honest, if he isn't seeing anyone else, then a casual relationship at their age is by far the best way to go.

But she needs to see it that way, accept that he isn't the love of her life, and she also needs to make damn sure that she uses contraception if it gets that far, which it shouldn't. You need to have that talk with her.

titchy · 08/01/2023 18:10

saveforthat · 08/01/2023 18:08

I'm not sure I understand the difference.

If you're 'seeing' someone you are free to see other people, even if you're not. If you're official bf and gf (or whatever) then you're not free to see other people.

Janieread · 08/01/2023 18:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

This. And make sure she is on the pill.

ChangingTheChannel · 08/01/2023 18:12

I think it’s better. She should be focusing mainly on school, no need for a big relationship. Casual is good as long as he’s not ‘seeing’ other girls and telling her he’s not.

Original poster
PromQueenDiamond · 08/01/2023 18:13

pinneddownbytabbies · 08/01/2023 18:09

To be honest, if he isn't seeing anyone else, then a casual relationship at their age is by far the best way to go.

But she needs to see it that way, accept that he isn't the love of her life, and she also needs to make damn sure that she uses contraception if it gets that far, which it shouldn't. You need to have that talk with her.

Yes I’ve had that talk with her, she says it only kissing so far but I’ve said when you even get to the age and stage in your life you want to be sexually active it’s probably worse to go on the pill and use condoms to be double safe
move also said to her that as a woman and as someone with alotnof women friends

I know a lot of friends that lost their virginity to someone they didn’t even like that much or wasn’t even dating etc and they regretted it and ideally that would happen with someone you loved and they love you

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 08/01/2023 18:13

its how dating works now… they ‘ speak’ for months before becoming official. This can include bloody sex not just kissing (not saying they are having sex but just the speaking stage) . Doesn’t mean they are speaking or seeing anyone else either. It’s bloody weird imo but what do I know, I’m old! Tell her to go with her gut feeling, only ever do anything she actually wants to do (and knows she wants to do in advance of any situation arising) and leave her own options as open as he is. Also bear in mind how he has treated previous girls as this can be very telling.

i told an adult friend my child had a gf aged 16… they were having sex. Child was very put out as apparently she wasn’t his gf (neither were seeing anyone else, he really liked her) … go figure

itsgettingweird · 08/01/2023 18:13

Mh friend was telling me the other day her DD announced there's about 15 stages of relationships now 🤣🫣

Something like

Talking
Texting
Hanging out

Up to
kissing
Seeing
Dating

Right up to sex.

I said at least that seems to cover the consent aspect as they have to mutually agree to moving in to the next stage.

But I wouldn't worry about it. They are 15. Who cares what they actually call it as long as they are treating each other mutually with respect?

Original poster
PromQueenDiamond · 08/01/2023 18:15

I did say what do your friends say about him ? She said not keen

I sis what would you say if you were the mum and it was your 15 year old dd saying this to you and she did say, I don’t think I’d like him

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 08/01/2023 18:15

I’ve come to the conclusion that the official status is given when they say I love you?

BluIsTheColour · 08/01/2023 18:16

When I was that age we called it "meeting". U weren't official bf/gf and u cld "meet" other ppl. It cld go on for a few weeks or a month or more but most of the time it would then turn in to bf/gf or u just don't bother anymore.

It's quite unusual though If it's been a few months. In her shoes I'd give an ultimatum either we are now bf/gf or nothing at all. As u say if he likes her he wld agree. I'd be worried they cld sleeping together and he's totally using her (not saying that is happening for sure). He is totally going to knock her confidence. Reason she isn't walking is because she really likes him 🙁 Hope she tells him where to go!

Swipe left for the next trending thread