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Original poster

How to get over DP’s decision not to have more children

48 replies

Ohhmyachingovaries · 06/01/2023 20:38

We have 2dc. Beautiful, healthy, happy DC, and I know that I am incredibly lucky and should be grateful (and I am).

I would love another baby. DP has said no.

His reasons are sensible enough: not got lots of space, and it would mean less money for luxuries like holidays etc. I would be happy to compromise on space, holidays etc but I do understand his point.

I just can’t get the idea out of my mind, and it’s making me feel really low, and rather resentful of DP. It has been nearly 3 years since I realised that I want another and the feeling just won’t go away.

I won’t have another relationship after this, so if it’s a no from DP then it’s a no forever. So how do I cope with this crushing disappointment? I am pouring myself into the children that we already have, appreciating my time with them and trying not to dwell in the thought of another baby, but it’s there in my mind, a dozen times a day, every day.

Anyone been through similar? Did your relationship survive?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohhmyachingovaries · 06/01/2023 21:35

Anyone?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/01/2023 21:37

Go and have some counselling, also accept some of it is your hormones.

I never felt "done" not even after 4 I just accepted that I never would and used my head over heart.

gamerchick · 06/01/2023 21:40

The one who doesn't trumps the one who does. If you want more kids you'll have to find someone else OP.

You could borrow a couple of toddlers for the day if the urge gets too strong. Or find something else to take up your time.

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Luckymum87 · 06/01/2023 21:46

How old are your children now? It’s hard and it makes me very unhappy. I have to decide if I push for more or stop at what I have

Original poster
Ohhmyachingovaries · 06/01/2023 21:56

I know that the one that says no gets the final say. I’ve no interest in coercion or deception. I don’t want to nag or manipulate. I just need to find a way to accept it.

DC are pre-teen and toddler. They have a beautiful relationship. This isn’t just about wanting a baby, it’s about wanting an extra person long term, for my existing children more than for me, for their adult lives as well as their childhoods.

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 06/01/2023 22:03

Oh come off it. It's not for your existing children. It's entirely for you.

Please be honest with yourself about that.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/01/2023 22:07

I think 3 completely changes the dynamic of your existing children’s relationship. Keep looking at the love and friendship they have for one another- think how much more time you have for them without another, and financially more you can give them. It’s not a bad situation is it?

Muststopeating · 06/01/2023 22:09

Coming from someone with 3... your DP is right.

In ny personal experience, patience exponentially decreases with each child. I am constantly knackered and exasperated. Far more now even when I had 2 under 2 (15 month age gap).

Also, consider the change in dynamics between your first 2 if you had another 1. The littles would be close and the eldest would be a bit left out.

Finally, the world is designed for families with 2 DC. Cars are harder, houses need to be bigger, holidays are a nightmare (unless you don't enjoy sharing a bed/room with DP and prefer to be split between two rooms arguing over who has which child(ren)).

No advice on acceptance, but perhaps consider that the grass isn't always greener and try to enjoy what is already in front of you.

Lcb123 · 06/01/2023 22:13

Please consider some counselling, by yourself but also as a couple so you can find a positive way forward. So you can accept your DP decision and appreciate the family you have. I’m one of 3- would not recommend…

Beamur · 06/01/2023 22:17

In answer to your original question, I would have liked more children but DH was done. We have one child together and he has two older children from his first marriage.
We stayed together and I worked through my feelings. I decided our family as it was, was enough to stay for.
I'm beyond my child bearing years now - DD is 15 and I am happy with that decision. I felt it very keenly in the last couple of years that having another baby would have been possible but am at peace with it all now.

purpledalmation · 06/01/2023 22:18

SquishyGloopyBum · 06/01/2023 22:03

Oh come off it. It's not for your existing children. It's entirely for you.

Please be honest with yourself about that.

Yep!

LaLuz7 · 06/01/2023 22:23

purpledalmation · 06/01/2023 22:18

Yep!

Show quote history

Have they ever expressed a wish for a sibling? Unprompted by you @Ohhmyachingovaries ?

Original poster
Ohhmyachingovaries · 06/01/2023 22:28

@LaLuz7 yes, eldest has. Although I wouldn’t base the decision solely on the say so of a child (one way or the other), as I know that children can change their minds / not necessarily understand long term implications etc.

I don’t discuss my feelings about having more children with my children. That wouldn’t seem right.

OP posts:
fungibletoken · 06/01/2023 22:33

OP it sounds as though you have done very well to accept the situation as it is, with your head at least, but I agree with PPs that it may be worth looking at some counselling to be able to be at peace with it.

I also agree that having 3 may well not change the dynamic for the better, from your other DCs' perspective. DH is one of 3 and has a similar age gap with the youngest as in your situation. He's often wistful for what things were like before. It seems like horizons were narrowed a bit in terms of family experiences and there wasn't so much support for what he was going through, as things so often ended up dictated by what the baby/toddler needed.

Original poster
Ohhmyachingovaries · 06/01/2023 22:33

Thanks @Beamur I think my age may be playing a part. I’m at the age where it feels a bit now-or-never. It feels so sad that the opportunity is slipping away while I’m doing nothing about it, I feel like a helpless passenger.

OP posts:
TheRubyRedshoes · 06/01/2023 22:34

Why is he a DP?? does he have other dc

Fullyhuman · 06/01/2023 22:35

Yeah, similar reasons. Give it time. I did what you’re doing, focussed on what I had. He eventually offered to go ahead if it was a dealbreaker but he really didn’t want to and he was a bit pissed when he offered. It was a reeeally hard couple of years, for us both. Then it started to ease off a little, though I’d pangs when friends had number 3 or 4. One friendship I backed right off from as just couldn’t cope with the jealousy - was purely timing and we’re friendly again 8 years on. And I couldn’t listen long and empathically to my friend with 3 talk about wanting a fourth. I’m too old to want to be pregnant now, I see how tired mums my age (47) with v young kids get and I’m not from a long-lived line, but still get sad about it sometimes. I fully love my partner again now, relationship’s good. It helped to talk about it. Neither position is easy.

LaLuz7 · 06/01/2023 22:37

Ohhmyachingovaries · 06/01/2023 22:28

@LaLuz7 yes, eldest has. Although I wouldn’t base the decision solely on the say so of a child (one way or the other), as I know that children can change their minds / not necessarily understand long term implications etc.

I don’t discuss my feelings about having more children with my children. That wouldn’t seem right.

They might like the idea but they might not like the reality of sharing the space/your time and attention/money for luxuries with another. And it's always a gamble whether they'll get along or be at each other's throats all day.

Try not to be swept up into an idyllic fantasy of what the sibling dynamic will be like.

Soontobe60 · 06/01/2023 22:37

Ohhmyachingovaries · 06/01/2023 21:56

I know that the one that says no gets the final say. I’ve no interest in coercion or deception. I don’t want to nag or manipulate. I just need to find a way to accept it.

DC are pre-teen and toddler. They have a beautiful relationship. This isn’t just about wanting a baby, it’s about wanting an extra person long term, for my existing children more than for me, for their adult lives as well as their childhoods.

I am one of 5 children. Growing up was a mix of fun and despair. Competing for my parents attention was very tough! Now as adults I don’t spend time with any of my siblings. We’re not enemies nor have we fallen out. But this utopian ideal of all siblings getting on with each other and being best friends isn’t the case for many of us.
Wait until your eldest hits puberty… you’ll be glad you stopped at 2 😳

Soontobe60 · 06/01/2023 22:39

Ohhmyachingovaries · 06/01/2023 22:33

Thanks @Beamur I think my age may be playing a part. I’m at the age where it feels a bit now-or-never. It feels so sad that the opportunity is slipping away while I’m doing nothing about it, I feel like a helpless passenger.

Turn that thought on its head - you’re not a passenger, you’re the driver of the train!

Original poster
Ohhmyachingovaries · 06/01/2023 22:43

Thanks @Fullyhuman that’s reassuring. I hope I do settle down / calm down as the years pass.

I think I do have a bit of an idyllic notion in my mind about adult siblings @Soontobe60 . I’m an only child, with no cousins and feel quite lonely in my aging, shrinking family. DP’s family is slightly larger (not massive), but full of warmth and love and support. I want my children to have a family like that when I’m old / gone. I want them to feel like they’ve always got people to turn to, who love them and support them, and have known them forever. Definitely projecting my own issues and insecurities on that front!

@TheRubyRedshoes no he doesn’t have any other children

OP posts:
SallyWD · 06/01/2023 22:53

Your existing children will be fine without another sibling! In fact they'll probably benefit from having more of your time and attention. I have 2. I did want 3 but now I love the fact I can give each child so much attention.
Most adults I know don't live particularly close to their siblings and they lead quite separate lives.

SallyWD · 06/01/2023 22:56

I love my 2 siblings very much but often go a year or two without seeing them. They live so far away and we're all busy with our own families and commitments. My support network is really the friends I live close to. I agree you shouldn't romanticise the relationship they might have as adults.

Citycentre3 · 06/01/2023 22:57

Your assuming that you want another baby and you just magically get one. Life is not like that there are no guarantees that you would end up with a 3rd baby even if your dp did agree. It is all just hypothetical until they are actually here. You maybe yearning for something that may not come to you, think of it like that, other than something you just order off ebay.

MummyJasmin · 06/01/2023 22:59

Following. I'm in a similar position OP and can understand your desire for wanting a 3rd.

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