How to get over DP’s decision not to have more children

[Ohhmyachingovaries]

We have 2dc. Beautiful, healthy, happy DC, and I know that I am incredibly lucky and should be grateful (and I am).

I would love another baby. DP has said no.

His reasons are sensible enough: not got lots of space, and it would mean less money for luxuries like holidays etc. I would be happy to compromise on space, holidays etc but I do understand his point.

I just can’t get the idea out of my mind, and it’s making me feel really low, and rather resentful of DP. It has been nearly 3 years since I realised that I want another and the feeling just won’t go away.

I won’t have another relationship after this, so if it’s a no from DP then it’s a no forever. So how do I cope with this crushing disappointment? I am pouring myself into the children that we already have, appreciating my time with them and trying not to dwell in the thought of another baby, but it’s there in my mind, a dozen times a day, every day.

Anyone been through similar? Did your relationship survive?

I can understand that feeling.

Honestly it's your ovaries screaming out "last chance saloon you need babies"

They are LYING to you!

I know it’s not that straightforward. It took us a couple of years to conceive youngest (and the ttc nearly drove me mad!), but at least then I was actually proactively trying to get what I want. Whereas now, I’m actively avoiding what I want and it’s very sensible, but it feels crap.

🤣

my ovaries need a mute button!

Mine was the other way round. I didn’t want r anymore and he did. Our problem was that medically I was broken after the first.
Both him and my son would have loved another one in the house. But it wasn’t something I could do even for them.

There wasn’t any arguments. My husband just accepted it and agreed with me that we were luckier than some people to even have one.
I agree with ur husband in his reasons. Small kids are Expensive and even more so when they are older. So think about money wise in ten years when they all want phones and fancy trainers etc. Christmas and birthdays nearly broke us.

you are lucky in having the ones u have.

My dh and I had a similar situation where he decided he didn't want more dc and I wouldn't have objected to more. I told him how I felt and said that whilst I was happy not to try for another dc, I would not be actively trying to avoid it. Birth control was now his responsibility.

We were both happy with this as we knew where we stood.

I would consider counselling achingovaries just to work through your thoughts and feelings. From what you've said, you'd like another one but totally respect your DH position. It's not easy when you have to accept your baby years are gone, but there's a lot of positives to closing the door on that, and counselling can help you identify that.

I had counselling when I was struggling to conceive a second and it really helped. I did go on to have a second, but there'll not be a third, I'm too old now and I'd definitely have counselling again if I needed it.

Totally agree

Whilst you might be happy to compromise on space and the added extras like holidays and activities, would your children really be happy with having to share space such as bedrooms and reduce some of the things they can currently do, like after school clubs and holidays?

With a preteen there is going to be a big age gap, so whilst why'd probably have a nice relationship, they've not going to be enjoying the same things as they grow up anyway. Maybe the smaller one would be more likely too, though again - there's no guarantee.

You say that you want another child for the sake of your children, but there is no way you can know that they'd even get on - as children or as adults. You may find that your children are more than happy with the family set up they already have and may not welcome having to share you with another baby, who would - at least in the first few years - take up more of your time.

Your dp isn't wrong to want to preserve your current living standards.

If you are going to resent your partner for his choice though you will need to decide what is more important to you.

Going to go against the grain here and say if your DH really loves you and can see how much this means to you he’ll relent.

I think you’ll resent him forever if he continues to say no. Have seen this happen in other families where DH has said no after two DC. You’ll always think ‘what if?’ and wonder what might have been.

It’s not him who has to carry the baby and give birth so if you’re prepared to do that I think he should let you have your third. From what you’re saying it’s not going to ruin things if you have another and you’ll all make space.

I’d push back harder if I were you - he’s putting his own feelings first at the moment even though this is obviously making you really sad.

But the same can be said about the op she could be told she is putting her own feelings first

It's not a competition on who gets the prize

It really annoys me that the one (which is usually the man) that doesn’t want another wins. I’ve been in this situation and I said fine get the snip and he refused so I said well I have the right not to use contraception and I’m stopping. The biological fact is most women have a drive to have children and it’s a huge part of their role in life. Imagine if women vetoed men’s life decisions about jobs etc? Tell him no next time he wants to do something different.
we had a third after a ten year gap and it’s been wonderful. And there is nothing wrong with wanting a child to love- there are no other reasons really.

You have to create a narrative that doesn’t penalise and blame your husband to help
you address this.

Yes you’d like another child but for x,y and z reasons that isn’t possible.

I find a good way to force your brain to process an emotion that isn’t serving you like resentment is to write it down instead of thinking it internally and letting it fester, just get it out of you. The emotion will drop down eventually and you’ll get bored of writing it down if you set that boundary with yourself where instead of thinking which is pretty passive you have to write it which is active and eventually starts to annoy your brain which is pretty lazy by nature and won’t want to do the work involved in writing and so will give it up and eventually it will pass.

you say your happy to not have holidays and have less space / money in order t have another child. That’s a bit mean on your current kids though - they probably don’t want to sacrifice that stuff for a sibling!

YOU may be willing to compromise and cut corners, but why should your DC accept that, because you want another baby?

I've wanted to be pregnant again for years, I don't want another child but I'd love to do the pregnancy thing one more time. That's not how things work though so I've (reluctantly) accepted that we aren't having more DC. It would be fair to our current DC, their time / attention / everything would be split and that isn't something I'm willing to do. You have to consider your children when thinking about having more. It's hard, I don't dispute that, think of the bigger implications though.

I'm in the same situation - would love a third but realistically it's not practical to have 3, nor financially viable, plus we are just tired from raising the two we have. But the hormones are screaming at me to have a third. I think it helps to accept that it's broodiness and it probably won't ever end for me. One day I will hopefully have grandchildren to love and coo over.

Trust me, when they are teenagers, you’ll be so happy you stopped at two!

What twaddle - no love for my husband could make me want a third- I don’t want to raise another child, neither does my husband but if he wanted one it wouldn’t change my mind. Emotional blackmail won’t help!

Do you work @Ohhmyachingovaries?

His reasons are sensible enough: not got lots of space, and it would mean less money for luxuries like holidays etc. I would be happy to compromise on space, holidays etc but I do understand his point.

Why should the rest of the family make sacrifices for you to have another child?
What would having another child provide that the two you already have don't, apart from less living space, fewer holidays/luxuries and a depleted bank account?

Three teens in my 40s was a killer tbh 🤣 that was after I had practiced on my eldest

In my 50s now and only just 2 teens now and can confirm they massively improve about 22-24.

Are the two DC of the same sex, and do you have a hankering for a DC of a different sex?

I don't think you're unreasonable to want a third, and you seem really fair and balanced when it comes to respecting your DP's wish not to have another. I don't really get why PPs are going on about how awful it is to have three (I'm one of three and the younger sibling did improve the dynamic of our family)- It's not really about having 2DC vs. 3DC- That's irrelevant here because you're not looking to put pressure on your DP or to change his mind. I think you're doing exactly what you should be doing in waiting this out until you feel more comfortable with the decision, and yes, focus on your children. But don't feel bad about it.

You ask for help to accept the situation.

As other posters have said it’s your hormones screaming Last Chance!

You have been very lucky to have two healthy children who get on. A third could change the whole family dynamic either way. I’m sure you can understand all the reasons why a third child makes it harder as others have pointed out.

Perhaps during the day when you are just doing regular things with your kids, work or Dh ask yourself “would this be harder/more time consuming/cost more if I had that third child in tow?”

If you are watching your two children interacting nicely, would a third baby/toddler make it better? Or Worse! When you go to bed write down three things that you are grateful about your life now. Try and counter those intrusive thoughts about a third baby by reminding yourself of the downside and appreciate what you have now.

I only have one and now she is an adult, I know she really, really appreciates the financial help we have given. Her life is so much better than many of her peers and she is on the property ladder. We could not have done this much for her if she had a sibling.

When she was at junior school, I noticed that some of the other parents who had a perfectly nice family set up, seemed to add more until managing their lives and family was just the wrong side of ok. Eg getting a dog, or another dog, the mother getting a part-time job, or if part-time going full time, having a baby, committing to more hobbies, after school clubs.

It seemed that if life was comfortable they saw that as having room in their lives for more responsibilities/commitments until they were running ragged. Like a variation of the Peter Principle, get promoted until you are only just about managing to do the job.

I may be wrong about this, but it’s just the way it struck me at the time. Do you think that you could be feeling like this? Can you decide if you are a realist, pragmatist or idealist?