Screen Time. Am I being too strict?

[QuackQuackThwack]

My DSs are 13 and 11 (youngest still in Yr6); they are both diagnosed with ASD and ADHD.

During term time , they are only allowed screens 2 evenings mid week and at weekends in the am and pm (not all day). They both play football after school 2-3 nights per week plus matches.

The younger one especially needs something to focus on or he gets very bored very quickly but he struggles to engage with crafts, board games and such like due to his lack of focus.

Both boys are already complaining about the return to routine and would like more time to game during the week. Both boys are a nightmare transitioning from coming off to do other things so frankly, the impending arguments are making me say no.

OTOH, I do also think I need to give them a chance to be trusted and earn the privilege of monitoring their own time. We would need to use visual timers and such like if I were to agree to more gaming.

How often do you allow your tweens/young teens to game mid week? Am I being too tight with the screen time?

They may be using their gaming time to recalibrate / zone out / manage sensory overload. That’s something to consider.

For me that would be a little too strict. I would allow time limited access every night after homework, dinner etc according to your own rules. I also have ADHD boys and they hyper focus on gaming and it keeps them calmer at other times tbh.

I don't think that's too strict at all. My DC are younger but I have really cut back on their time on tablets. My nephews are teenagers and seem to have no ability at all to do anything other than game/stare at phones . I'm keen to avoid it.

My ASD & ADHD 11 year old has 1hr game time on Saturday and Sunday after homework/chores. He fixates on gaming and it takes over his every thought/action. His teachers even thought he had screen time from getting in to school until late into the night, because he would talk about it so much. We have time limits on the consols and he also has to set a Google timer to let him know when to come off. We do allow extra time to be earned from various things and that seems to work well for both sides.

Why is gaming seen as bad? At least it's interactive and it can also build friendships. Restricting it so much will leave them feeling resentful if they're missing out on games their friends love.
When I was a teenager, I loved Dallas, Dynasty, Knight Rider, Wonder Woman etc and my parents were moaned at me for watching too much TV, too much screen time, but I needed it to decompress and relax. It's done no long term damage!

@sorcerersapprentice from my experience, my DC are not very nice children if they game too much. They lose the ability to play, converse, use their imagination. My nephews are really unpleasant with it.

Does the screen time include all phone time and TV? What do they do to relax their brains towards bedtime?

I’m worried about the lack of motivation to do anything else if they have unlimited access to screens. Younger DS especially struggles to regulate himself when he’s bored and at a loss of what to do. I try to engage him in other things but he is unable to focus and becomes irritated and upset.

They will read at bedtime (screens are turned off early evening) but they do have access to TV at most times (although it’s more background noise rather than them actively watching it).

Maybe a bit on the stricter side in my opinion OP.

I think if children are given limited/controlled access to such things, when they're older, they can often become addicted to them due to the novelty of finally having no restrictions.

I think they could perhaps have some more screen time, however, I would say take their phones off of them before they sleep and have tech free time everyday where they're not allowed to use their phones etc and must do some homework/home learning or crafts.

This is just my opinion though - you know your kids best OP!x

My kids are 10, 11 & 13 and I dont limit screen time and never have.

They get their homework done, they get their chores done. The only thing we do is no consoles in their bedrooms and their phones have parental settings to switch off at 9pm.

They play games online with their friends and it has no impact on their behaviour. My DS11 started gaming at age 3 and is ace at it! We struggled to get him to read in Primary and the teachers suggested games where he has to read the text, like Pokemon and it definitely worked a treat. His reading developed substantially!

I really dont understand all the hand wringing ver screen time and gaming.

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel I think children are all different. One if mine will switch off and do whatever else he's been asked to. The other "kicks off" fir want of a better phrase, every single time. Its draining, and wearing. So he just doesn't have it daily.

Great if your kids do all the other stuff too. One of mine would never leave it alone.

It’s a little on the stricter side for their age but equally you know how your kids react to coming off of technology.

I’ve been allowing more technology lately as I’m trying to weigh up what else they do during the week. For example, my Y6 has school, ASC three days a week, swimming, drama, band and Guides, so I’m reassuring myself that actually she does plenty of extra curricular activities that stretch her. So if she wants to game quite a bit at the weekend that is ok, as long as she does her homework and music practice, and comes off technology when asked. But we do encourage her towards more creative or thoughtful gaming such as the Sims, Portal etc and less time on something like Roblox.

I think it’s strict but not in a bad way at all. I’ve never met a child improved by screen time and (just in my own experience) children with ASD particularly can become totally addicted to the detriment of their development. I know a lot of kids (extends to adults too) who are gaming addicted and I find it really sad.

Also, it’s not like they are totally banned from gaming. Nobody would say if you took your kids swimming two evenings in the week plus both weekend days ‘oh that’s not very much, they should have more swimming time.’ Nobody would say it about crafts, football, Spanish lessons etc. I think there’s a real danger of gaming being seen as okay to do for hours every day and all weekend etc. And I find lots of kids who game too much get bored very very easily and have basically no ability to play independently because they want the constant stimulation of gaming.

For me actively gaming is better than passive screen-watching as long as it is properly designed games rather than Roblox or FruitSpam or whatever (and isn't horribly violent etc).

However I do think starting strict and gradually allowing more is better than trying to rein it in later so I think you've started out in the right way and can begin to think about allowing more.

I might be shot down but I think it's pretty normal for secondary age children not to "play" IRL as such. They are outgrowing a lot of toys and board games, and most teenagers don't spend big chunks of their lives crafting.

Maybe try to build a new structure in non-gaming time so it's not just them clock watching. We make a big effort to find some TV that autistic DS will at least tolerate, and we watch together a few times a week. I know it's only TV but it builds conversations over dinner, and with friends. "Traitors" hooked ours right in recently. Or get them to help cook sometimes, or let them watch something on YouTube but you watch it too.

If they are gaming all morning and all afternoon Sat and Sun plus some weekdays, I can't imagine that is too strict. If it's an hour Am and an hour PM then yes perhaps! But maybe what you need is not more or less minutes per week but a more general overhaul of your and their relationship with those limits, and what happens the rest of the time, now they are more grown up. That said, you know your own children best. Someone will always come along and say they give their child unlimited screen time and they have learned to "self-regulate". This doesn't mean it works with all children. I have one who does and one who doesn't,and bringing them both up together is a challenge.

Do you actually want them to police their own gaming time by a stopwatch? I am not sure I would or could live like that as an adult. Think about the nuance too - we positively encourage DS to play online chess and he'll get extra phone time for it.

There are good tips on this thread; I’ve decided to relax a little and after discussing with the boys what they want vs what is reasonable , we’ve come to an agreement on an increase.

@ISawFreeShips we do need to use the timers otherwise they have no sense of when it’s time to stop (even verbal warnings don’t resonate with them). The timers I use give a five minute warning before the end of their time. Although it still doesn’t stop the arguments when it’s the end. They have been warned if the relaxed rules increase arguments , I won’t continue it.

Mine are neuroptypical so maybe it’s not a fair comparison but they only have tables at the weekend and school holidays. we allow a small amount of YouTube on the tv but limit it

@QuackQuackThwack apologies, I think I was reading something that wasn't there into your OP. We use timers too, with care because too much clock watching can stop DS "losing himself" in it and spoil the activity. But there is absolutely a place for them. As an adult, though, most of us regulate ourselves in different ways such as app limiters, or a commitment to finish your work or wash up before you get started etc. Practising this kind of limit is good too.

Glad you have a way forward.

Because we can see the impact it has on children. Take a nice normal child, give them gaming every day for a week and at the end of the week you have a belligerent rude child with no attention span who complains everything except gaming is boring and can talk about nothing else.

OP you are not being too strict. We do 1 hr Sat and 1 hr Sun and I regret every buying the horrible thing.

You do realise that doesn’t apply to every child…?

Maybe not every child, but all the children I know who have a lot of gaming time are generally quite boring children who are just utterly obsessed with Minecraft/Roblox etc etc. Their parents like to rabble on how it’s educational etc but I’ve never met a child who is vastly improved by unlimited time plugged into Minecraft.

And there are games other than Roblox and Minecraft.

I'm not going to argue that every child should be allowed unlimited screentime, nor that every child bounces happily off technology when they are asked without being affected.

But to refer to the games I mentioned in my first post, games like the Sims have creative house and people design modules that aren't much different to colouring or designing on a piece of paper, or Portal is a puzzle game that really taxes their critical thinking skills. Not all games are mindless.

I have never enforced screen time on my dc, as long as their homework was done and they did some after school activities. It's their down time, they can spend it as they choose.