How do I distance myself from a close friendship without hurting my friend?

[TrickyStickyFriendship]

I've namechanged for this, but post regularly.

Friend and I have been close since our teens were babies, and our families became good friends. Over the years, as life has moved on, we've seen each other less and less. Now a few times a year, sometimes for lunch together or with our kids. Our children are no longer friends and have little in common, which is awkward. The last few times we have met, I have felt uncomfortable and anxious afterwards. The reality is that we are both very different people to the ones we were 15 years ago, and share very little in common. We haven't had an argument, there's been no betrayal or unkindness. I just feel our lifestyles and value systems have so little in common there is no mileage in the friendship any more, and being around her isn't 'good' for me. She is fundamentally a nice person (although doesn't always have 'nice' views) and I do not wish to hurt her feelings, but I really need to distance myself from the friendship. Is it best to say something? just to let things drift? To be busy for say, the next six years? Any thoughts appreciated.

I have a friend I’ve known for slightly over 10 years I’m in a similar situation to you with. When we met were in similar places in our lives with similar interests that kind of overrode the difference in our ages and other circumstances. Now we aren’t and it’s difficult. We see each other occasionally but now it tends to be at events with others or bumping into each other rather than one on one like we used. And much less often.

It’s been a combination of drifting (getting in touch less often) and just not being available.

I would just not contact her, put her on restricted if she’s a Facebook friend and if she contacts you to ask to meet up say you are busy.

Thank you. I think that the 'drifting' method seems kindest. I feel a bit mean considering distancing her, as I know she still considers us friends and I do not think she is the type who would pick up on awkwardness, if you know what I mean. I was actually 'let go' by one of my closest friends a few years ago, and it was incredibly painful at the time, and I'd hate to cause someone else that pain. However, over time I have begun to understand her reasons (I was in the throes of a family life, she was single and navigating an involuntary childfree future) and we have slowly begun to rebuild a relationship which has been lovely. I guess that's a slightly different thing.

I think it would cause upset if you were to say something. I’d be inclined to just let it drift, delay responding to calls or texts etc until it’s a natural thing that you’re no longer in contact.

This is so hard and very common! Some will say, don't ghost or drift, as it leaves the friend questioning themselves unfairly, when they may not have done anything wrong - like in this case, that you've just grown apart, but I don't know. Telling someone outright that you don't want to be friends anymore is really going to hurt!

I have been on both ends of this and so I guess you could call me a hypocrite, as I didn't front up and say why I stopped replying as often, kept answers brief, would make up excuses etc, but when the same was likely happening to me, I didn't understand why they could just say!

I wish there was a way for nobody to get hurt in this situation, but there isn't really.

Sorry for the chocolate teapot response 😬

*couldn't just say

Normally I would always say to be direct. However, in this example, it sounds like you should just let it drift. I think that saying “we don’t have anything in common any more, let’s not be friends” is more unkind than just letting things go naturally!

Grrrrrrrr23 you are right, it is always going to be a hurtful situation. And I've been on both sides, too, and being the 'dumped' friend is so painful.

I can't begin to imagine what I'd say if she did confront me about it. Probably a cowardly denial.

I have just been left to drift a few times, please let's not pretend that doesn't hurt too, because it does. I could feel the distance and felt really upset that there seemed to be no way to talk about it. So last time I felt the need to do this, I said that our way of looking at the world seemed really different now and I needed to walk away. She never asked what I meant by this and we haven't spoken since. It felt hard to do that but ultimately I think once you shut off emotionally the other person will feel this so to me it feels kinder to hear it. I appreciate not everyone will share this view.

coffeeisbest thanks for sharing that. I think it's a very brave thing to do. It's what another friend did when she needed some distance (although we are slowly rebuilding our friendship), and although it really hurt, I did at least know where I stood.

My friend and I never really shared mutual friends, except in the toddler years (and, while she is quite sociable her social group is quite fast changing, I'm her longest friendship) and so we would be unlikely to bump into each other, except by chance.

@TrickyStickyFriendship , it's not cowardly, I think it's an instinctive reaction to spare someone's feelings. I actually did come put and ask the drifting friend if I had done something and she flat out insisted that I hadn't and it was just her being busy etc and even though we still catch up very occasionally, I don't really believe her. However, if she had turned around and said, 'yes, OK.. I'm just not feeling this anymore, let's not be friends' I would have been devastated!

Is that worse than feeling left to wonder if I have done something wrong, if she thinks I'm dull, if she just doesn't like me anymore or it really is all in my head and nothing personal. This is a mind f*!@, so I genuinely don't know what's worse.

Again, not helpful 😳

There's no need to burn bridges and you don't know how you'll feel later on. Just take space and be busy when she tries to arrange something.

Or meet up for shorter periods and see it as catching up on your past.

I had a "friend" like this and it was always me making the effort

My kids didn't like hers who weren't nice to mine and so just stopped contacting her and it just fizzled out

I saw her in tesco at Christmas she said "we'll have to meet up, I said drop me a text" she never did

These things happen

How you feel now might not be how you always feel. Let it drift and see how you feel later this year; you might even miss her, or you'll confirm that you were 'mum' friends and didn't have much past that.

If you cut someone off it's usually final, although happy to hear you're rebuilding with your other friend.

If you only see her few times a year already, just drift away. Don't plan anything and just say you are busy if something comes up?
It's not possible to say something that means I don't want to see you anymore without hurting her.

I did the drift on a friend with whom i'd only socialised one on one a handful of times.
We have mutual family/friends, so i've still saw her in company and we've chatted. I've been polite in replying to her messages inviting me out one to one, but I always decline. She's rang me too a couple of times after i've declined her invite (I assume looking for a reason!), however I let it go to voicemail and I don't ring her back.
I thought we were on the same page however she recently messaged me, essentially demanding to know why I wouldn't speak to her any more (and I have spoken to her! In company, i've chatted with her lots), and saying she wanted our 'relationship' to go back to how it was (meeting up for lunch etc). She has 'instructed' me that we'll meet early in the new year for lunch (we won't!).
I'll avoid her in company now too - she's given me the absolute ick!

LaffTaff well, I guess that's sealed the deal! Nothing like being cornered by someone demanding an explanation to give you the warm friendship fuzzies 😆

@LaffTaff 😯 What a strange tactic!

I “ let go” a few pals. Best outcome is that they realise you need space and give it graciously, leaving the door open. For me, worst outcome is tetchy or hostile demandingness which then firmly closes the door and makes me fervently hope I don’t bump into them in the supermarket!

@TrickyStickyFriendship
@Grrrrrrr23

Utterly bizarre! She's a bit older than me too, so really ought to know better.
I don't expect even my DH or DD (ie people I love, and actually want to spend time with!) to demand an explanation when I don't answer my phone!
If someone declines an invite because they're busy, well that's explanation enough! Demanding to know why is crossing boundaries afaic.

Someone made a date with me once, sat me down and listed all the things they hated about me. It was HORRIBLE.

it took a year for me to recover and I still feel sick 20 years on when I think about it.

the fade would have been a lot kinder!

nzeire That sounds absolutely dreadful, I think I'd find it hard to get over that too. My friend isn't perfect but she's a well-intentioned and kind person, there's no way I'd do something like that to her.

I was in a similar situation just before lockdown. I was having regular meet ups with a long standing friend, but she often turned up late or occasionally not at all. She arrived 20 mins late for my birthday lunch and with no gift. Her excuse was always "oh I'm such a Dilly Daydream". She did pay for my lunch but she commented that I could pay the next time. Then I went out of my way to drive her home. I felt that I was investing much more time and effort in the relationship than her so was glad that lockdown put paid to any more meet ups and now we've got out of the habit of contacting each other.
She's likely forgotten who I am by now!

I think the drift idea is what a lot of people would use. But it depends how she reacts. If she still contacts you and is obviously confused/ upset, I think it's kinder to be direct. To say you feel your lives have headed in different directions, things don't feel the same as they once did and you want to go your separate ways, but you wish her well. Hard, but I would rather do this than leave someone wondering. I think it makes it harder to move on.
However you have known esch other a long time too. Has there been a change in your own life that has prompted this? Or if your circumstances changed, would she be somone you would turn to? Friendships eb and flow at times, especially long ones, it might be worth considering this.

If you only meet a few times a year she may feel the same way , or should at least be easy to fizzle out.

Oddly I'm on the receiving end of this at the moment. The difference is that we will be bumping into each other regularly as we live close by. It's been very upsetting and awkward with the whole 'we must meet' comments which I know are not meant. But to be honest , I'm glad we have done that instead of some 'talk' where she explains herself. I think that would be worse. If you'd asked me a few months ago I would have wanted that as I was coming to terms with the loss of what I thought was a good friend. But, now a bit further down the line I'm so glad I haven't had some cringey chat to ruminate over and pick fault over myself about. Friendships end all of the time. It's just life.