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Original poster

Wish guests / pets / husband would all just fuck off now!

45 replies

TheLeadbetterLife · 04/01/2023 15:53

I'm just having a rant, feel free to ignore, or join in, as preferred.

We've had lots of guests over Christmas, and the current pair are in the middle of a week-long stay.

I've come to realise over the years that my absolute limit for tolerance of guests is three days. After that (even sometimes before, if I'm tired) I start to feel hemmed-in and overwhelmed, so I withdraw to the bedroom all day on the pretext of work.

I often do have work in these circumstances, or will find work to do, but then it's even more annoying, because the constant noise and activity in the house drives me bananas.

This irritation then extends to the pets and my husband, who I currently wish would all bugger off forever and leave me in peace.

I can't stand to talk or engage with anyone, there's nothing left to say. We've done the small talk, the catch up, the setting-the-world-to-rights evening. I don't want to talk to anyone at all for at least a fortnight.

Everyone is perfectly polite and tidy, but their helpfulness means things aren't put back where they should be in the kitchen, and everything is slightly out of whack.

It's got to the point where even the sound of people sighing or drinking tea makes me furious.

I have realised in the past year that I'm probably ND, and am awaiting assessment, so this could be contributing, but maybe these feelings are perfectly normal?

Either way, I am determined that in future I am going to be more direct and clear about visitors. Three days max, and if they want to stay longer then I will absent myself instead. Luckily my work is vague and irregular enough that I should always be able to make up something plausible.

Three more days to go...

OP posts:
StickyCricket · 04/01/2023 16:01

There’s that saying… Guests, like fish, begin to smell after 3 days. I never ever let anyone stay more than 3 days.

We have a beautiful B&B just down the road and several chain hotels under 5 miles away, and funnily enough once I’m clear with potential guests who want to come for 7 or 10 or 14 days, that after 3 days they’ll need to go elsewhere, they then decide 3 days is enough.

There’s absolutely no way I’d be “absenting” myself from my own home because visitors are outstaying their welcome.

xogossipgirlxo · 04/01/2023 16:06

Agree with PP. I hate having guests for longer than 3 days and also avoid staying over at someone's house longer than 3 days. My mum doesn't understand it, because we live in different countries, so she would like to see me and husband for longer periods of time, but my nerves are wrecked when I stay there for a week. We start to argue, I can see she's annoyed too. They have tiny flat which becomes overcrowded when sister and BIL join. 6 people for one bathroom, constant talking, telly on etc. You can call me princess, but I hate it. I come back home feeling down after staying at my parents'. Same when they visit us. There's been many threads recently about annoying guests, so you're not alone.

Original poster
TheLeadbetterLife · 04/01/2023 16:09

The problem is that we no longer live in the UK, so when family and friends come and stay it often involves a flight. We do have a nice guest room and bathroom too, so it seems churlish to say they can only stay three days.

That said, some people want to come for a fortnight every year, which I think is unreasonable whichever way you look at it. We're only a short flight away, it's not like we're in Australia or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLeadbetterLife · 04/01/2023 16:22

xogossipgirlxo · 04/01/2023 16:06

Agree with PP. I hate having guests for longer than 3 days and also avoid staying over at someone's house longer than 3 days. My mum doesn't understand it, because we live in different countries, so she would like to see me and husband for longer periods of time, but my nerves are wrecked when I stay there for a week. We start to argue, I can see she's annoyed too. They have tiny flat which becomes overcrowded when sister and BIL join. 6 people for one bathroom, constant talking, telly on etc. You can call me princess, but I hate it. I come back home feeling down after staying at my parents'. Same when they visit us. There's been many threads recently about annoying guests, so you're not alone.

Yes this is exactly how I feel. When I go back to the UK to visit I never stay anywhere more than a couple of days. I also have friends in Germany who lament that we never stay with them longer, but my view is that if we did stay more than two or three days we'd all get fed up with each other and it would damage the friendship.

This is why I sometimes wonder if it's a ND thing, or just a "me" thing, because how do these visitors not get fed up of being here with us?

The question is, how to set these boundaries without offending people? There are some guests I could be more direct with, but e.g. the in-laws is potentially a mine field.

OP posts:
AffIt · 04/01/2023 16:51

The three day ideal guest: arrives early evening on the eve of their first stay, brings a few nice treats, remains a 'guest' for approximately an hour, then mucks in / knows where the kettle is / stacks the dishwasher.

Has a nice time with hosts for two whole days. Reasonably early bed on third evening, leaves around lunchtime on Day 3.

I LOVE hosting people and throwing parties, making dinner etc, but three (or actually probably closer to 2.5 days, if I'm being honest) is my absolute limit, both as a host and as a guest.

(The very rare exception is people who are very independent and who you can basically just chuck some towels and a set of keys at and let them crack on. They're very rare, though.)

beachcitygirl · 04/01/2023 16:54

Yanbu

I'm exactly the same. I'm in a position where I have to put up with it (dh has adult kids who live elsewhere- so they come to stay for a week forever

Sympathies and handhold

pictoosh · 04/01/2023 16:56

Yanbu three days is long enough for any houseguest.

xogossipgirlxo · 04/01/2023 16:57

TheLeadbetterLife · 04/01/2023 16:22

Yes this is exactly how I feel. When I go back to the UK to visit I never stay anywhere more than a couple of days. I also have friends in Germany who lament that we never stay with them longer, but my view is that if we did stay more than two or three days we'd all get fed up with each other and it would damage the friendship.

This is why I sometimes wonder if it's a ND thing, or just a "me" thing, because how do these visitors not get fed up of being here with us?

The question is, how to set these boundaries without offending people? There are some guests I could be more direct with, but e.g. the in-laws is potentially a mine field.

Show quote history

I have the same dilemma. For now I told my parents that we can't invite them, due to lack of space, because spare bedroom is my husband's office etc. I must say I shamelessly used excuse that we invited them multiple times before and they never wanted to come. My mum was hurt by this, but I stated the obvious. My husband suggested, we should sleep in a hotel when we visit them, or when we stay overnight, it shouldn't last longer than 3 days (2 nights and leave on 3rd day is ideal for us). Same with husband's family. No invitations from now on and we always rent airbnb in the nearby. It's worse when your in laws are quite pushy and keen to visit. Maybe you could tell you don't have enough annual leave to host them longer for 3 days? It really sucks that you kind of feel obliged to have people at home that make you feel uncomfortable. 2 weeks stay sounds like a nightmare. I also don't live that far away to stay with them for a long time. It's only 2 hours flight. I also don't have indefinite annual leave to use on family visits. I would like to have proper holiday from time to time, FFS. My parents don't even bother booking time off work when we visit them, but we lose our allowance obviously for these pointless visits. So they get to have nice holidays, bank holidays, kids visits etc. and we are left with nothing.

Tamarindtree · 04/01/2023 16:58

You need a woman cave!

Can you convert a shed/garage or have a cabin built in your garden so it’s like you are going out to work?

PoseyFlump · 04/01/2023 16:58

I always thought there was something wrong with me not being able to tolerate people on week long holidays. Now I know the 3 day rule this makes sense! Grin

Xrays · 04/01/2023 16:59

I would never have anyone to stay in my house ever again. Thankfully dh is no contact with his family and I have none (everyone dead or don’t have a relationship with them). The thought of guests actually makes me feel stressed!

Original poster
TheLeadbetterLife · 04/01/2023 17:02

AffIt · 04/01/2023 16:51

The three day ideal guest: arrives early evening on the eve of their first stay, brings a few nice treats, remains a 'guest' for approximately an hour, then mucks in / knows where the kettle is / stacks the dishwasher.

Has a nice time with hosts for two whole days. Reasonably early bed on third evening, leaves around lunchtime on Day 3.

I LOVE hosting people and throwing parties, making dinner etc, but three (or actually probably closer to 2.5 days, if I'm being honest) is my absolute limit, both as a host and as a guest.

(The very rare exception is people who are very independent and who you can basically just chuck some towels and a set of keys at and let them crack on. They're very rare, though.)

Exactly this! I love to host and give parties too, but I need a lot of recovery time, ideally in complete silence and solitude.

Your 2.5 day plan is the perfect amount of time. How can some people bear it for longer, on either side of the guest-host divide?

I have two sets of guests that I can tolerate longer. An old friend and his family (even though they have two young children, I love them being here for a week) and my mother, who is so low maintenance as to be barely discernible. She, like me, needs peace and quiet, so she's happy to eat dinner in front of the telly and not make conversation, the same as my husband and I do when we're alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLeadbetterLife · 04/01/2023 17:03

Tamarindtree · 04/01/2023 16:58

You need a woman cave!

Can you convert a shed/garage or have a cabin built in your garden so it’s like you are going out to work?

We're working on this, funnily enough!

OP posts:
BarrelOfOtters · 04/01/2023 17:05

Yes. 3 days. We have one regular guest who comes for longer which works as she works when she’s here, has friends she sees independently in the area and goes to bed early. So we only really entertain for about 5 days of a fortnight and it’s spread out.

another friend is of the give him keys and he just uses us a hotel …while also being exceptionally tidy, a great cook and generally fairly easy.

I think you need to put your guest room permanently out of use…..

SalviaOfficinalis · 04/01/2023 17:07

I don’t think it’s a ND think. I feel exactly the same and I’m sure I’m very NT.

Hang in there and breathe a sigh of relief when they go.

Pixiedust1234 · 04/01/2023 17:13

Rant away, I love having peace and quiet too.

If they are cats send your pets to me. Tell DH to take your guests out for the day, lock the door and have a long soak in the bath...or dance naked around the house while singing a rock ballad at the top of your voice. Either will work to help distress you😂

impatiently waits for furry overlords

Pixiedust1234 · 04/01/2023 17:15

De-stress, not distress!!!

Nakedness might distress the neighbours though 🤔

Evivie · 04/01/2023 17:16

Have had DH family here since 10 Dec.. there was no consultation on how long they were staying (they live abroad) and we got the "We've just booked our Christmas flights, we're with you til 7th Jan, can't wait!" message before the call we were meant to have to discuss Christmas.

I'm becoming more irritable as the days pass, counting down the days.. three days is the dream, but it's such a long way for my elderly ILs to travel. Last time we decided to have a year off, Covid happened three months later and didn't see them for ages. Solidarity OP, you are not alone in your feelings.

Original poster
TheLeadbetterLife · 04/01/2023 17:44

Evivie · 04/01/2023 17:16

Have had DH family here since 10 Dec.. there was no consultation on how long they were staying (they live abroad) and we got the "We've just booked our Christmas flights, we're with you til 7th Jan, can't wait!" message before the call we were meant to have to discuss Christmas.

I'm becoming more irritable as the days pass, counting down the days.. three days is the dream, but it's such a long way for my elderly ILs to travel. Last time we decided to have a year off, Covid happened three months later and didn't see them for ages. Solidarity OP, you are not alone in your feelings.

A month! How can the guests stand it, let alone you? I don't like being away from my home.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 04/01/2023 18:57

We stayed with my parents three days, then his parents two days over Christmas.

We went to a NYE party with his parents (an hour from us), and his mum was SO surprised that I drove instead of us staying over.

No! Wtf is wrong with you? We saw you two extra times over the break on top of Christmas stay!?! I wanted to lounge in my home on NYD, not wait for husband to get over his hangover and get up, and not be back after dark.

Original poster
TheLeadbetterLife · 04/01/2023 19:37

thecatsthecats · 04/01/2023 18:57

We stayed with my parents three days, then his parents two days over Christmas.

We went to a NYE party with his parents (an hour from us), and his mum was SO surprised that I drove instead of us staying over.

No! Wtf is wrong with you? We saw you two extra times over the break on top of Christmas stay!?! I wanted to lounge in my home on NYD, not wait for husband to get over his hangover and get up, and not be back after dark.

We always do this, I hate staying overnight anywhere. When we lived in the UK we would drive for two or three hours into London to see a show sometimes, then drive back the same night.

I don't sleep that well at home, let alone anywhere else, so I'd rather go straight back than spend a sleepless night on some London friend's sofa bed, before having to schlepp back exhausted the next day.

OP posts:
simplefree · 04/01/2023 19:47

good for you, the max I tolerate is a few hours for the afternoon

no sleep overs - ever

I don't even travel because I can't tolerate the though of a cat sitter coming in or worse - staying in - - - bit this will have to change though

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 04/01/2023 22:59

Totally agree with the 3 day rule. The only person I can stay with longer or have stay longer is my bestie cos we've known each finer for ever and can quite easily say something like "I need time out, going for a walk with the dog for an hour" with absolutely no offence taken.
Everyone else I need shot of after 2/3 nights.
NT.

Thighdentitycrisis · 04/01/2023 23:20

2 day rule here for my adult dc
they are exhausting and I live alone for a reason

Vickyofthevally · 04/01/2023 23:45

I am the exact same OP, moved abroad this year and within the first 4 months of living in the new house I had multiple different people saying with us for over 9 weeks of that. I only had around a week between guests and by the end of summer/ autumn I had officially lost my mind, especially considering only a week of that was my family meaning the other 8 weeks was DH family and friends.

There were occasions I had to remove myself from my own living room through fear or lashing out at someone who was breathing too loud, slurping tea, tapping on the coffee table or arm of the sofa. Also a few of the said guests were not that hygienic and I tell you after a week of cleaning piss off my toilet seats and having to remind a grown man to wash his hands after using the toilet (to name a few) I had completely lost any desire to be a welcoming host.

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