How to deal with Dementor colleague?

[CarolineHelston]

I've always had a slightly difficult relationship with one colleague. She applied for the post I was given - longer hours, more permanent - and didn't get it.

I had imagined that this would create a temporary awkwardness but if I was friendly and pleasant this would pass. It has now been 7 months down and there has been no improvement. This is in part because my colleague has some challenges in her personal life. (Childcare, some problems with a landlord, not great health.)

If I take care to enquire about these difficulties she will sometimes talk to me a bit more openly, but otherwise when we work together she only speaks to me if I ask her direct questions in which case she will answer them.

As we are a rather small team this is very obvious.

I have spoken to line managers and their focus has been on trying to support her so that she stands a good chance with vacancies for other jobs within the organisation.

Some of these vacancies did arise and my colleague was unsuccessful. This seems to have put her in a worse mood than ever. She radiated gloom when we were working together yesterday and as my other colleagues were working on a different part of the site this meant my return to work was not very pleasant. I do feel she manages to suck all the joy out of a job that is otherwise agreeable.

What would other people do in this situation?

Change jobs or ignore her.

Doesn't sound like she will soften or change stance.

Had one of these on a course, ruins the atmosphere (plus I have adhd & annoy people just by breathing sometimes) and it unhinges me as I get focused on improving the relationship.

After many years of this in different situations, I have come to the conclusion, nothing really ever fixes it.

It doesn't sound like she's doing anything wrong, just keeping chatter to a minimum . Does she communicate enough about what needs discussing around work?

I think chatter is conspicuous by its absence. She doesn't say 'Hello'. She did not ask me how Christmas went. (And no she doesn't have autism in case anyone asks.) Perfectly good customer skills - it's a public facing role. Nor is there such an incredibly heavy workload that it's necessary to keep talk to a minimum in order to meet deadlines. Colleague has also been perfectly normally chatty with other members of the team. Just not with me.

But I think it's right that there's nothing I can do in terms of trying harder with her eg by asking her about childcare, landlord etc. Done all that.

Maybe you just have to accept that's how she is with you. Plenty of people work in jobs where colleagues don't chat much to each other. It doesn't sound as though she's being actively unpleasant, just that you'd like more than your professional relationship absolutely needs.

So the problem is "she's gloomy"? I can understand how that can make life difficult, but ultimately that's just one of the hundreds of different personalities you are going to encounter in life.

You can't force it, I'm afraid.

Tbh I wouldn't want to keep answering questions at work about my health, landlord etc. Some people like to open up about their problems but some people like to be distracted by work so they can forget them! I understand you are trying to show you care, OP.

She doesn't want to chat to you. Instead of seeing it as a negative, reframe it as a positive because it lets you both focus on work.

You can really only manage yourself in these situations.

Stay as positive as you can and if it gets really bad you can make a couple of in-group observations about positivity and can-do attitude being essential to progression within the organisation. However, it sounds as though if you ignore her she will eventually leave anyway.

She has said she has some negative stuff going on in her life and clearly doesn't want to talk to you about it, or anything else while you're at work.
The preamble about you being promoted over her doesn't seem relevant to what is happening in her life away from work, or how she reacts in work.
Can't see how any of it makes her a dementor.

Hard to explain. The culture is small team/supportive etc - so the chilliness/non-engagement is more conspicuous than it would be elsewhere.

I think it creates a sense in me that I am an unlikeable and/or unworthy person because I am the one who she is choosing not to address. On a rational level I know this is not true.

I've been singled out.

I also think that is a way in which people can choose to bully colleagues - by not engaging with them unless it is absolutely essential. (No eye contact, smiling, nodding etc. Unless a direct question is asked absolutely no response to anything I've said.)

Again she is very happy to talk to colleagues - at length about the problems in her life. She's not in general a self-contained or private person.

But it's helpful thinking it through this way.

Again she is very happy to talk to colleagues - at length about the problems in her life. She's not in general a self-contained or private person.

Perhaps she views you as a negative person due to your previous responses but the others add humour or something and cheers her up? Put it down to a personality clash and focus only on work talk, weather and how was your weekend. Keep it light, friendly and short and maybe she will relax around you more. Dont overthink it.

Yes, I had a colleague who was rather like this. She made it very clear that she resented the fact that we were on the same grade because I was so obviously inferior in all my skills. I thought of her as the groke - a perpetually sad and envious creature who freezes the ground she sits on (The moomins). It’s very difficult to deal with. In the end she made herself so miserable she went off with stress for weeks and finally left without a job to go to.
I think don’t try too much, but have you talked to your boss?

The Groke is good. Yes! And I shall see how things go, and perhaps mention it to my manager. (It sounds a similar situation. Though she casts a bit of a shadow over work, she is obviously unhappy.)

I understand the type OP but you’re making this far too much about you. If I were your manager I’d be irritated if you kept bringing this up with me. If there were actual concerns over bullying I would listen, this isn’t that from what you’ve said.

For reasons you explained she doesn’t like you/want to engage. You have to ask yourself why you are so bothered and need her politeness and friendship if she is professional otherwise, insomuch as answers questions etc. It’s not your right to have everyone interact with you the way you’d like.

Shes been passed over for other roles, clearly being like this has been noted and isn’t perhaps the culture the company wants from people in more senior roles. Move on from it.

Have you never met someone who you just can't put your finger on it, everyone else seems to like them but you just feel uncomfortable sharing any level of detail about your life?
You can see objectively that person isn't unlikeable but somehow there's a personality clash or a mismatch and you'd rather just stay out of their orbit.

It's probably nothing to do with you as a person but could be your style of conversation, or anything just clashes with their comfort zone. You might even remind them of someone in their past they didn't like.

Try not to think of it, just keep in your own little bubble.
I don't think they're bullying you unless they're keeping to themself something you need for work purposes or unless everyone in the team is starting to treat you like that.

I have to admit my boss was useless as well. There’s probably not much they can do but at least they can’t pretend they didn’t know.

I think you are getting a hard time in here op. I’ve worked with someone like this who has a hard life but channels their unhappiness into disliking someone else, like a displacement activity.
I would just be polite with hellos and thank you but when you are with her just concentrate on working hard. Then take a few minutes each hour possibly chatting to someone in another office or a member of the public if possible to get some nice interaction.

I agree @Fairyliz. Whether or not it’s bullying, it is hostile and unprofessional.

Poor OP: you've attracted the attention of the gloomy, quick-to-take-offence brigade who will find fault with anything positive you try to do to further a cordial relationship in your office. It will all be your fault. Lots of grokes around!

You sound positive, happy in your work and a decent colleague. She sounds like a PITA. It's very rude not to say hello to a colleague when they say hello to you. She's part of a team and it's not unreasonable to expect her to show you basic courtesy. The fact that she's chatty with others but refuses to engage with you is very telling — as is the fact that she's been unsuccessful in her attempts to progress at work. It's a kind of passive-aggressive bullying.

Nothing you do or say can make the situation better. She's not going to change so probably best to limit your conversation to a friendly hello and goodbye and keep to work-related matters.

Are you her manager? If so, when the opportunity arises you might casually mention to your manager that you've struggled to create a comfortable relationship with her. In the meantime, keep your chin up and how about creating your own escape plan by looking for better internal position that will get you away from her?

Tbh I work with someone like this.

how the situation arose was slightly different.

but I continue to say breezy “hello”s and be generally positive and up beat around them.
the less the engage, the more rude I realise they are. You don’t need to like people at work. This colleague clearly doesn’t like you, but I would do what I can to make MY day pleasant. It can be incredibly wearing.
One day they may reply, they may treat you better but remind yourself to act how you want to act for you. Not for them. You won’t change them.

Ignore her, start leaving adverts for jobs in other organisations on her desk

Don’t do this. It’s bullying.

It's not bullying. She's allowed to dislike you. She's allowed to be gloomy (sounds like she has good reasons).

If you want to warm her up then be supportive and constructive and she may change her opinion. If not, just leave her to it unless she's actually rude.

If she is objectively rude arrange an informal meeting with your manager present, discuss specific concrete instances of rudeness and try to address the problem.

I would have said that consistently refusing to engage with something as basic as a hello would count as rudeness.

By the sounds of it, the problem is you, not her.

As you acknowledge she has a lot of problems in her life so it's hardly surprising she's not the life and soul of the office. She doesn't have to be your chum or amuse and entertain you during office hours. And the way you call her 'the dementor' suggests that you're quite nasty about her behind her back so I'm not surprised she's not keen to be pally.