How to deal with Dementor colleague?

[CarolineHelston]

I've always had a slightly difficult relationship with one colleague. She applied for the post I was given - longer hours, more permanent - and didn't get it.

I had imagined that this would create a temporary awkwardness but if I was friendly and pleasant this would pass. It has now been 7 months down and there has been no improvement. This is in part because my colleague has some challenges in her personal life. (Childcare, some problems with a landlord, not great health.)

If I take care to enquire about these difficulties she will sometimes talk to me a bit more openly, but otherwise when we work together she only speaks to me if I ask her direct questions in which case she will answer them.

As we are a rather small team this is very obvious.

I have spoken to line managers and their focus has been on trying to support her so that she stands a good chance with vacancies for other jobs within the organisation.

Some of these vacancies did arise and my colleague was unsuccessful. This seems to have put her in a worse mood than ever. She radiated gloom when we were working together yesterday and as my other colleagues were working on a different part of the site this meant my return to work was not very pleasant. I do feel she manages to suck all the joy out of a job that is otherwise agreeable.

What would other people do in this situation?

In summary...
"My colleague has some professional disappointments and personal problems at the moment and doesn't feel very happy or talkative, but I can't cope with my own company and want her to plaster on a smile so I can chatter at her and ask delving questions about things that are unpleasant to think about. I'm going to complain to management if she won't comply."

From experience, no wonder she'd rather talk to other people.

Ah, I see a distress call has been sent out to dementor HQ...

We all wake up in the morning and choose our attitude. She may have historically had some unknown 'beef' about you and because she had a set to her jaw back then she may be unable to remove it now

I wouldn't over analyse the situation, accept it for what it is. Carry on being pleasant, it costs nothing and it lightens your day even if she chooses to have the beast of burden on her back.

If she tries to eventually extend an olive branch then cautiously take it but remain pleasant but not seeking to become her bosom buddy, you're both professionals and should be able to navigate these personality glitches to enable you to collaborate. If you get on well with other members of your team hey that's chemistry for you, we can't all like and be liked by everyone.

god how I love working for myself and not being affected by weirdo colleagues moods! Remember it well sympathies

We have one of these at work, she is negative and spends most of her time moaning. It's wearing but it's not about you, it's about them and other than continuing to be polite to them and get on with work there's not a lot you can do.

It doesn't sound like she's doing anything really wrong, you're just never going to be best mates/it's a personality clash. I would absolutely stop bringing it up to your manager though as it looks worse on you than it does on her if she's not actually doing anything wrong and you keep complaining about her to management.

You're not unlikeable or unworthy.

She hates the fact that you got the job she wanted and, by extension, you. That's all there is to it.

She hates the fact that you got the job she wanted and, by extension, you. That's all there is to it.

It may be a bit more subtle than that. She may well think some of her problems would have been alleviated by getting the better jobs, so working with the OP is galling. And the OP asking her about her problems may not be seen as 'caring' but as intrusive or patronising, or rubbing salt into her wounds - regardless of the OPs intent.

Urgh what a downer. I would talk to my boss about the situation, explain I’m being stonewalled and it’s creating stress for mental health.
She is very passive aggressive and this needs to be flagged.

Yes, this is very likely to be the case.

Health plus housing plus childcare problems can't just be fixed and are probably really challenging, feel like a bit of a trap, and are pretty draining; you don't just leave them behind when you go to work, however much it would be great to do that.

She will have thought she was deserving of the job/s she didn't get, and being knocked back is another blow on top of the 3 crap areas above. There may be more background to it that you are not aware of (e.g. attempting to go for a pay rise or regrade in the past, and also being unsuccessful). It sounds as if she is capable. I suspect she would really like to get out but can't just do that with no safe future plan, and may be working on either keeping her head down or gritting teeth and applying.

It is not personal, but nor is it very realistic to expect her to pretend more than she does around you, for the moment.

Hi OP what was the out come?
I still currently work with one like this or should I say 2.They have palled up and sytonewall me which just leaves my boss to communicate in a team of 4 me being one.
It took a massive toll on my MH tbh.

Leave her to it and stop worrying. It might be you’ve dodged a bullet. It’s unfair, of course- you didn’t do the hiring and you’ve done nothing wrong.

Don’t let anyone else’s behaviour change yours.