ADHD

[catscratcher]

NC for this one.

Following on from another thread that I didn't want to derail, I wanted to ask.

Those of you who have ADHD - what did it look like when you were 13? Trying to navigate school, friends, homework, keeping your room tidy, etc.

Strongly suspect DD13 has ADHD, but would love some real life examples of how it presents in teenagers (specifically girls if possible).

We've spoken to the GP, and she thinks it's more like an anxiety issue. I suspect the anxiety is from the undiagnosed ADHD. Any advice gratefully welcomed, as things are spiralling...

TIA!

Well I'm a scatty 40-something holding down a professional job and raising dc, so what I need now may be different to what helps a teen, but organisational strategies are really good for me, and I don't mind being reminded. It doesn't feel like nagging to me, I need the reminders because I forget things so easily.

Phone alarms, calendar alerts, sign on the fridge, specific places to put things, a system for my work bag (specific pockets for specific items), routines that happen during the day/week/month. I struggle with implementing and maintaining routine even though I know it helps, so support with that makes a big difference. Work with her to discover how she could be best supported with these.

Exercise absolutely impacts my mental health in a positive way, eg, cycling to school meant I arrived with a clear head and cycling home de-stressed me.

Keeping my personal space tidy was difficult but it helped me feel calmer in myself. She may need extra support in achieving and maintaining this.

Big up her talents and capitalise on her interests. So much of my internal dialogue focuses on where I've gone wrong or messed up through lack of organisational skills etc, but I am really good at lots of things too, and I try to remember that when I'm down. Don't lend your own voice to that negative self talk, be her cheerleader.

That's why needing professional diagnosis?...

I use notes alarms and calendar entries for everything - even calendar entries have alarms.

I try to take notes in meetings (replacing years of doodling) but find the first 20 mins normally make sense - the last 40 mins much less so. Concentration wanes significantly. I now listen to webinars while walking the dog as I get less distracted and take more in than I would sitting at my desk. (could she use dyslexia tech to have school books ‘read’ to her).

I try to break tasks down and spend time sequencing what goes in what order.

I find it impossible to concentrate in the office (fortunately work from home) but listen to music when I have to go in. Could she do the same when concentrating on written work (or ask for a quiet space).

I make careless mistakes ALL THE TIME and my memory is atrocious. I try and use work tools to help but am not consistent about which ones to use (one note / planner / note book/ email / calendar). I think getting a system to work for what she has to do and helping her stick to it might be a good idea.

I’d highly recommend looking at the ADHD Foundation website. It’s been extremely helpful for us as a family - 5 out of 6 of us diagnosed inattentive subtype over the course of last year. There are sections for parents and teens, as well as guidance on how to get school to engage.
Covid, in a lot of respects, was actually useful in highlighting how poor my dcs executive functioning was and how the difficulties they were experiencing went beyond the norm.

@catscratcher , hi, I did extensive research online to find someone who's not only well qualified but also not driven by financial gain from the diagnosis. We knew DS's case is not severe , so it would take some specialised knowledge to tell if he really has it or not. Plus we were hoping whoever we found is recognised by NHS too.

It took about 4 months waiting till the appointment.

I didn't do homework, I didn't understand a lot of the concepts of education and the way the teachers taught the curriculum, I really needed a quick and straight to the point explanation, I struggled with friendships because I didn't know where and when I fitted in, couldn't follow lessons, long conversations, busy head, struggled to follow conversations and unwritten social rules - I'm also autistic. I despised classes that had no interest to me but then if I was interested, I would soon lose interest which could cause emotional upset. I would binge eat (had to hide it because my parents starved me as a child because they thought I was fat)

I struggled with everything to be honest. I was diagnosed at 14 but then wasn't allowed to have any support (my parents decision) the only thing I was allowed to have was weekly counselling sessions in school, no adhd meds, no 121 support in school, etc.

I left school with no qualifications and did several different college courses until my 20s until I found one that suited me and I completed it but it took a lot of support from the college and alot of tears from me.

There's so much more and so much more in depth I could say here but if you recognise any of this, please do speak to the school.

Reading with interest as have been wondering about my dc2.

I am experiencing similar with my teen DD. I am finding it hard to unpick what is 'normal' teen behaviour and what could potentially be neurodiverse behaviour.

Her school filled out some strength and difficulty questionnaires- 3 different ones from 3 different teachers, all incomplete. It is very hard to get a picture from school once they are in secondary.

Best of luck OP. Trust your gut and push forward.

Ah, by the way, usually if it's an neurological issue, you really should find some hints from the child's early years development. My understanding is that there would have had to have things standing out and making them not like neurotypical children from very early age.

This is to differentiate from lockdown triggered anxiety or any other psychological issues.

Haven't rtft (obviously, I have ADHD 😂).
As a 13 yo I was very silly but the smartest in the class. I fooled around at school but only to the threshold of being told off, never got suspended or anything.

I tried smoking cigarettes, it was glamorous and forbidden. (Early 90's)

I was sporty and active. Read adult books. Had a couple of very close friends, not particularly liked by most of the other kids though, still not very popular and I'm not actually sure why, I reckon I'm quite nice! 🤷‍♀️

Very blunt (actually that might be why people don't like me!)

Wasn't into current trends, thought I was above that nonsense haha

Couldn't decide what to do, lots of different jobs, careers, travelling, moving house etc.

Ah, most importantly, it's nearly always running in the family...

What kind of things might we be looking for?

She was always very quiet in primary school. Got her head down and got on with things (though want keen on h/w reading at home).

Teachers would always comment that she's a bit of a daydreamer. I remember in year 1, her teacher couldn't believe she'd got the highest phonics screen score in the year group, as they didn't think she took anything in during lessons.

She wasn't particularly challenged at primary, as she left half way through year 5 due to covid, and of course didn't have a true year 6.

DH was diagnosed this year, DS21 isn't diagnosed, but has many, many ASD/ADHD traits.

Thanks for this. I will ask for something similar if I can ever get hold of anyone there!

I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who has replied. I appreciate you sharing your experiences. It's exactly what I was thinking and now have some specific questions for school and ideas to support her at home.

I'll (hopefully soon) be having almost 14 year old DD privately assessed for ADHD soon. She certainly ticks a lot of the boxes for inattentive ADD, but did ok in primary school and seemed to enjoy school, but has struggled all through secondary school so far with school based anxiety. Only recently after reading a lot about the subject did it occur to me to look for underlying neurodiversity.

my husband has adhd but I didn’t meet him until he was in his 20s and by then he had found ways to manage it. My eldest child is just like him in so many ways so I wasn’t surprised when she got a referral.

She never does any homework, never packs school bag/charge chrome book, struggles to follow instructions in class, can’t read anything without getting bored, needs to touch and fiddle with things, hyper focuses on things she enjoys but can get really angry and upset over the same thing if she gets frustrated or is struggling.

forgets to brush teeth/wash, sleeps in clothes, room is extremely messy. Loses and breaks everything.

She can’t keep friendships as she is unreliable and doesn’t show much interest in getting to know people on a personal level. Can be very pushy and impatient which is exhausting to be around. also has no filter so can be very rude.
She tries hard at school and wants to do well and generally keeps a low profile but finds it very hard to keep up with the workload, lessons and social expectations.

gets fizzy when she hasn’t been out or done some kind of exercise for a while. Always needs a focus of some sort which is exhausting for her but she feels lost if she isn’t doing something.

binge eats everything she likes so we have to hide all the lunch stuff and snacks.

no concept of time. Always late for everything. Forgets plans and never checks her messages. (Phone is always on dnd as she finds it overwhelming getting notifications). This has caused problems with her friendships too but improving as she gets older.

needs some kind of stimulation. Heavy bass music, cartoons in the background. She said it helps her tune everything else out and quietens her mind even though to me it sounds chaotic.

She has been this way since I can remember which is an important factor in getting a diagnosis.
She takes medication now which helps her with her school work to some extent but she prefers to not take it as she says it makes her feel quite boring.

getting a diagnosis has helped her a lot. Not so much with support but it’s made her more aware of herself and what she needs to do to help manage it. She is very very slowly getting her confidence back.

Crikey, you could've written that about my daughter. Almost word for word.

The sleeping in clothes! What's all that about? My DD is exactly the same. Music on full blast. Though I am happy she's discovered 90s indie, finally, so at least it's bearable now! The personal hygiene is another biggy.

I'm so glad she got a diagnosis and is starting to feel better - though it did make me chuckle to think that a calmer brain is boring. To some extent I agree! The ND brains in our house make for some fun times - apart from when everyone is losing the plot at the same time (ie - DH is on 3rd day of looking for his van keys)... 🤪

How did you find a private therapist?

Good luck with the assessment 😊

With ds3 (14) we went privately through Clinical Partners - there was a short waiting list. Appointments are via Zoom but we can contact the clinician if needed by email.
It hasn’t been cheap but the difference it’s made for him has been marked in terms of his self-esteem and also means school have some very specific guidance about adjustments he needs.

My DD got her diagnosis of ADHD in Yr 12. She was hugely relieved to have an understanding of her own brain, 6 mo later we saw a new psych who also added ASD - again this was a huge relief as we now have a much better insight and understanding of her. I'd recommend 'Understanding ADHD in girls & women' to read.

Did well academically but everything was last minute - still the same.
very untidy and on organised to those looking in - but no issue for me finding things
Brain ran 24 x 7 along with my mouth. Struggled to read the room.
No best Friend - and I so wanted a best best Friend. Have a few now.
Read every book around me - usually very quickly.
Sleep was ok back then.

My son is also the same and when he is over exposed - has had his game face on for a period of time - he needs to cocoon to recover.

Its like you are so tired but a sleep wont help !
Found high school very difficult as I did not have a clue about boys ( i have a brother) or how to act around them. And realized in 3rd year that no one liked the clever girl.

Really struggled at the fact other people were slow to pick up concepts or understand school work !!!

I was diagnosed at 52.
My son at 16.

If it was me I wish for my son I had understood more as he was labelled a difficult child in school - which he was but for the wrong reasons.,
I just I wish I had picked up on his need to cocoon - and perhaps staying till the end of school was not right for him.
I would ask you to be supportive of how difficult I found it to make friends and be accepted by other.

Best of luck xx

Hi! This is a good question, as I did well in primary school but it all fell apart in secondary.

School/home desk a mess, I'd get it all tidy once every few months for about a day and it would go back to the way it was. The disorganisation really affected my ability to get things done.

Homework was incredibly last minute, it wouldn't have been done at all if it wasn't for very strict culture at school.

Tests - studied the morning of. I just couldn't do it. I was bright so was able to pull thorough in certain subjects that I had an interest in but no chance if I didn't like it (and I disliked more than I liked).

I dreaded showing my report to my mother, she was always so cross with me and making threats and telling me how disappointed she was and how I was capable of so much more.

The key is actually in those school reports, and what I submitted for my diagnosis. Every single term my teacher wrote that I had potential, I'd only I would talk less/focus more/get more organised/stopped trying to be class clown etc etc

I got through exams by the skin of my teeth

I have been wondering on and off for years if my DS 14yo has ADHD. He has been struggling recently and showing me tik toks of ADHD videos and thinks he has it but my DH thinks he’s using it as an excuse. A lot in the videos and on here does resonate with me.
When he was younger he did display a lot of the traits at home but not so much in school so thought it must be a home thing.

He fidgets a lot, always tapping or bouncing his feet around when sitting on the sofa. Makes random noises for no reason, more so when younger but still now sometimes.
The hygiene thing is a big thing and always has been. When he was younger it was a real struggle getting him to get ready for school. Now he will eventually get up for school, not wash, brush about 2 teeth despite us telling him to do them properly, swallows the toothpaste. Will only go in the shower when we continuously nag him, then he spends ages in there when we tell him to hurry up. But will get ready quickly when he is going out with friends so DH thinks he’s just being lazy.
He has been very obsessed with certain subjects.
He says he finds it hard to concentrate at school especially with things he doesn’t like but isn’t everyone like that if it’s boring?
We have trouble getting him to go to bed, mostly because he is gaming or chatting to friends. We didn’t push it in the holidays so he stopped up till the early hours, then was grumpy and not nice to us. We have also said he has no filter just says what he thinks without thinking about the consequences.
These are some examples. He is constantly glued to his phone. DH says that maybe if we took his phone off him, were stricter with things that he would go to bed earlier, get ready better etc. Also if he did more exercise that might help he is worse with nothing to do.
I don’t know if we should see a doctor or the school or just be stricter, although we would get a lot of fight back. It’s which came first the issues or the environmental factors.