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Original poster

Feel so unbelievably alone

33 replies

cripplinglyalone · 31/12/2022 19:16

After years of being abused by my family. Myself, DH and our two little girls moved to the other side of the country. I have started to make friendships with a couple of nursery mums, but I am so shy and struggle with feeling like a burden.
Lately, DH has had to work away and I just feel so cripplingly alone. My health is not the best and the other day I had a health scare. I realized if we had an emergency, we have absolutely no one we could call on. Our neighbors are very elderly. I have had to cut ties with my wider family and DH never had any living relatives since we met. What would happen if I had to go into hospital, what would happen to my girls? I am so scared and alone. I never imagined being a parent would feel like this.

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 31/12/2022 19:20

Is there a local Facebook group? That can be useful for local information, banter and friendship.

mamabear715 · 31/12/2022 19:23

I'm so sorry.. sounds like your life hasn't been much fun up to now. :-(
I think I would throw myself into anything advertised locally to at least make some aquaintances if not forever friends, if you see what I mean - friendships take time to build up. Even walking the dog, if you have one, you can get chatting to people.. hopefully there will be someone else who needs someone like you do, too.
Good luck!

mamabear715 · 31/12/2022 19:24

PS Get over the shyness by asking people about themselves. Most folk love talking about themselves!!

tickticksnooze · 31/12/2022 19:27

In an emergency admission, while your husband was travelling back (which he would presumably do as soon as he was notified?) I believe that would be emergency foster carers.

When you say health scare, do you mean a&e visit or scary test result?

Original poster
cripplinglyalone · 31/12/2022 19:37

Yes it was advice from 111 to go to a&e and my husband was in California with work. Thank you for your answer x

OP posts:
Original poster
cripplinglyalone · 31/12/2022 19:39

Life has been hard for sure, but I am blessed with two lovely girls and I was fortunate to have the therapy I needed to understand moving away from my family was the only solution. I am in a different sort of pain now, but away from the abuse. Thank you for your kind words

OP posts:
Original poster
cripplinglyalone · 31/12/2022 19:40

Dillydollydingdong · 31/12/2022 19:20

Is there a local Facebook group? That can be useful for local information, banter and friendship.

I have reached out to some voluntary organisations that provide support for vulnerable people. I have a lot to give back and always have had. If only my shyness and insecurity didn't hold me back so much. Thank you for your kind suggestion.

OP posts:
Stickytoff · 31/12/2022 19:42

OP I have a similar background. My kids are older now and we have managed.

People are genuinely good. Take your time and build yourself a community. It really helped me to think that from a purely evolutionary purpose that people prefer to spend time with people who bring positive emotions into their life and vice versa. Trauma changed the possible interactions in my own family but typically people aren’t dealing with that stuff so most are great. When I really thought about that and now have come to live my life on that basis I have formed some incredibly good friendships that fulfill my family need. There are sad times of course but generally my life is very positive especially after moving on from very damaged people.

Windtunnel · 31/12/2022 19:52

Bedding in to a new area takes time, I'd say try not to worry too much right now...
You will make those connections sooner or later. When dc go to school, offer to help out etc.

Peasepuddingbloodycold · 31/12/2022 19:57

I think out of everything that's happened in my life, loneliness has been the most difficult. Sending you hugs OP.

icefishing · 31/12/2022 20:12

If you are or could be in any way religious than joining a church could really help. Particularly if you could find a youngish one.

I'm not religious and don't belong to a church anymore but I do think the sense of community and support can be great.

Otherwise try and find other ways of building your own community, it can take time but no reason to think you won't get there.

BunniesBunniesBunnies · 31/12/2022 20:16

Hey, A few of my friends are very shy and some are very outgoing and I value them all the same! Being shy isn’t an obstacle to having friends though I can see how I might be a barrier to making new friends. Are there any local clubs you might be able to join? Running, walking, reading, volunteering? Most people will not judge you for your shyness and in fact to many it will be a breath of fresh air to meet someone who doesn’t constantly talk bout themselves! Keep trying OP!

Original poster
cripplinglyalone · 31/12/2022 20:52

Stickytoff · 31/12/2022 19:42

OP I have a similar background. My kids are older now and we have managed.

People are genuinely good. Take your time and build yourself a community. It really helped me to think that from a purely evolutionary purpose that people prefer to spend time with people who bring positive emotions into their life and vice versa. Trauma changed the possible interactions in my own family but typically people aren’t dealing with that stuff so most are great. When I really thought about that and now have come to live my life on that basis I have formed some incredibly good friendships that fulfill my family need. There are sad times of course but generally my life is very positive especially after moving on from very damaged people.

Thank you so much for your reassuring words. They mean so much while I am feeling lost. Its hard as my self-esteem is in tatters after what happened all my life with parental abuse. Nothing like having your own precious babies to shine a light on what is not OK to do/ say to kids. I will keep your words close x

OP posts:
Original poster
cripplinglyalone · 31/12/2022 20:56

BunniesBunniesBunnies · 31/12/2022 20:16

Hey, A few of my friends are very shy and some are very outgoing and I value them all the same! Being shy isn’t an obstacle to having friends though I can see how I might be a barrier to making new friends. Are there any local clubs you might be able to join? Running, walking, reading, volunteering? Most people will not judge you for your shyness and in fact to many it will be a breath of fresh air to meet someone who doesn’t constantly talk bout themselves! Keep trying OP!

Thank you so much. I was told all my life I was not nice to be around and it's impacted me. Therapy has helped. I love to help others and now when I feel lost and alone it's so hard to tell anyone. Your responses have all been so kind. New to posting here so I am sorry my replies are a bit all over the place!

OP posts:
Original poster
cripplinglyalone · 31/12/2022 20:57

Peasepuddingbloodycold · 31/12/2022 19:57

I think out of everything that's happened in my life, loneliness has been the most difficult. Sending you hugs OP.

So sorry to hear you've felt lonely. It's hard. Sending genuine hugs back x

OP posts:
Original poster
cripplinglyalone · 31/12/2022 21:02

icefishing · 31/12/2022 20:12

If you are or could be in any way religious than joining a church could really help. Particularly if you could find a youngish one.

I'm not religious and don't belong to a church anymore but I do think the sense of community and support can be great.

Otherwise try and find other ways of building your own community, it can take time but no reason to think you won't get there.

We are not religious though our new area is a small churchy village. I grew up C of E and DCs will be going to a Christian school, so I am not against the idea of a church. Not sure how I would approach but I am going to think about this thank you so much.

OP posts:
Puppypads · 31/12/2022 21:05

Ah OP I'm sorry to hear this. You sound lovely and self aware, you have a lot to give to a friendship. This might sound silly but I've found that if I pretend not to be shy, it's easy to talk to people. I just ask myself, what would I say/do if I wasn't shy? Then do that. Feel the fear and do it anyway kind of thing. Sounds very simplistic and reductive but it's so liberating. It's almost as if I'm acting. But then I'm just being myself, without the shyness.
If you have a dog I've found it's the most sociable thing! I'm a single parent but I talk to so many other people while walking the dog, I don't miss adult company. And I've got to know so many neighbours.
Hope 2023 is your year Wink

Swissmountains · 31/12/2022 21:42

It’s so hard op, to feel so vulnerable with young children. Certainly I felt I was leaving my children at risk without an adequate safety net and it used to keep me awake at night worrying.
The good news is that dc grow up extremely fast by the time they get to 14+ you can start to relax.
In the meantime my life saver was a trusted local babysitter. Totally invaluable. They can get to know your children really well, and are a great source of support. You can also benefit from time with dh, and start slowly at the beginning. It will take time to trust them given your background, but it will be good for you and dc in the long run.

Hold a tea party and invite the parents and dc at nursery and start to get to know the other parents. It will take time, but it will mean you have a group of parents to help in an emergency. Ask for numbers and contacts asap. Most people are happy to help.

Neighbours even older ones are worth getting to know. Most older people can baby sit safely in an emergency plus it’s always good to get to know your neighbours for all sorts of reasons.

You don’t need to be ‘grateful’ to have friends and people that care. You deserve special friends and loving people more than most. Please remember your worth 💐

Swissmountains · 31/12/2022 21:44

I also found book clubs are good places to find similarly minded people

vivaespanaole · 31/12/2022 21:45

I wouldn't label yourself. You are healing and I don't think you actually necessarily know whether you are truly shy. Or just whether you haven't blossomed yet due to the abuse. You lack confidence and probably need to find yourself. Who am I when I am not hurting and suffering? I'm not sure yet.

So ditch the negative labels about yourself and move forward one baby step at a time. Of course you may decide you are introverted or find some kinds of social situations hard. But it's unlikely to be all of them. And you will be far from the only one.

I understand it's terrifying and must feel like free fall. But it's also exciting and a new beginning.

airforsharon · 31/12/2022 21:55

cripplinglyalone · 31/12/2022 21:02

We are not religious though our new area is a small churchy village. I grew up C of E and DCs will be going to a Christian school, so I am not against the idea of a church. Not sure how I would approach but I am going to think about this thank you so much.

Show quote history

Have a look on the church notice board & see if there are any groups or activities there that take your fancy. Our local church has a weekly coffee morning & various groups for young mums/children, inc a drama group & lunch meet ups. Church in the next town has a Mother's Union. I'm not religious but have been to various events and always been made very welcome.
Good luck! I'm naturally quite introverted and know how daunting making that first step into something new can be.

Original poster
cripplinglyalone · 31/12/2022 22:14

Puppypads · 31/12/2022 21:05

Ah OP I'm sorry to hear this. You sound lovely and self aware, you have a lot to give to a friendship. This might sound silly but I've found that if I pretend not to be shy, it's easy to talk to people. I just ask myself, what would I say/do if I wasn't shy? Then do that. Feel the fear and do it anyway kind of thing. Sounds very simplistic and reductive but it's so liberating. It's almost as if I'm acting. But then I'm just being myself, without the shyness.
If you have a dog I've found it's the most sociable thing! I'm a single parent but I talk to so many other people while walking the dog, I don't miss adult company. And I've got to know so many neighbours.
Hope 2023 is your year Wink

Thanks for the lovely message and love the username. Thank you your words mean a lot. I do have a dog but my dog is even more antisocial than me! We can both go to talking to new people boot camp next year.
I say 'shy' but really it's struggling with self-doubt that I am someone people would ever want to be around. I have worked hard on therapy, dealing with the scars from constantly being told I wasn't wanted throughout childhood (and beyond). I know these messages probably sound like I am living in my head but it's just this last week that it's engulfed me a bit.
You kind people who take time to come on here with these words, you are good on the inside and I am very grateful x

OP posts:
Original poster
cripplinglyalone · 31/12/2022 22:20

vivaespanaole · 31/12/2022 21:45

I wouldn't label yourself. You are healing and I don't think you actually necessarily know whether you are truly shy. Or just whether you haven't blossomed yet due to the abuse. You lack confidence and probably need to find yourself. Who am I when I am not hurting and suffering? I'm not sure yet.

So ditch the negative labels about yourself and move forward one baby step at a time. Of course you may decide you are introverted or find some kinds of social situations hard. But it's unlikely to be all of them. And you will be far from the only one.

I understand it's terrifying and must feel like free fall. But it's also exciting and a new beginning.

Such strong words thank you and they resonate with me wholeheartedly. I can feel the hope of the new beginning, the blossoming back into the girl I was before the abuse corroded me. When you've fallen apart a bit, you are left with the opportunity to build yourself back even stronger than before.
Thank you, your words mean so much in this moment x

OP posts:
Original poster
cripplinglyalone · 31/12/2022 22:27

Swissmountains · 31/12/2022 21:42

It’s so hard op, to feel so vulnerable with young children. Certainly I felt I was leaving my children at risk without an adequate safety net and it used to keep me awake at night worrying.
The good news is that dc grow up extremely fast by the time they get to 14+ you can start to relax.
In the meantime my life saver was a trusted local babysitter. Totally invaluable. They can get to know your children really well, and are a great source of support. You can also benefit from time with dh, and start slowly at the beginning. It will take time to trust them given your background, but it will be good for you and dc in the long run.

Hold a tea party and invite the parents and dc at nursery and start to get to know the other parents. It will take time, but it will mean you have a group of parents to help in an emergency. Ask for numbers and contacts asap. Most people are happy to help.

Neighbours even older ones are worth getting to know. Most older people can baby sit safely in an emergency plus it’s always good to get to know your neighbours for all sorts of reasons.

You don’t need to be ‘grateful’ to have friends and people that care. You deserve special friends and loving people more than most. Please remember your worth 💐

I read your last paragraph and the waterworks started again.
And thank you for understanding it's just the constant fear of what would happen to my children. I often wonder at what age could I start to relax and then I get upset that I am wishing away their next 10 years!
I am very fortunate to have 2 best friends who would be there longer term in a crisis, they just don't live close by.

And another poster mentioned about emergency foster carers which has really reassured me about short-term panic. I will reach out further to a couple more neighbors and the hunt for a babysitter continues!

OP posts:
Swissmountains · 31/12/2022 22:47

I know just what you mean op. It was bad enough I couldn’t offer my children loving gps but the lack of emergency back up help worried me the most. I was so afraid of this too.
I did have the odd emergency over the years. One time they both came with me to A&E in the ambulance and the nurses were very kind to them and me. I was far from the only one with dc I soon realised the second time around with a broken arm waiting in casualty.
Not everyone has childcare 247 even with local family.

Is there any chance your dh can get a new job that doesn’t involve travelling? If he was around more often/closer you might feel ‘safer’

I had a lovely cleaner who was happy to look after my dc too. She loved my dds. I am not sure of your financial position but if you can ‘buy in’ your support that would help until your network is up and running.

It sounds like you have great friends so I am sure they could get to you in time for most emergencies.

I think alot of this, certainly in my case was not so much about security and emergencies but a lack of confidence in my own ability to deal with a crisis and cope. As the years went by this changed. I did come to understand that I could manage perfectly well alone, that I wasn’t useless and didn’t need to doubt myself.
I dealt with multiple crisis effortlessly realising that the worst crisis had already happened to me in many ways whilst I was a child and unable to help myself - too young to do anything, and it kind of stayed with me. The vulnerability. It took me a long time to realise I was a capable adult and could make solutions happen. I could take the lead, make my own safety net plans - and be strong enough to weather life’s storms. Well most of them.

Let people into your life, learn to trust and use your judgement - listen to yourself and your feelings and start rebuilding your self esteem. It will be okay. Honestly.