Feel so unbelievably alone

[cripplinglyalone]

After years of being abused by my family. Myself, DH and our two little girls moved to the other side of the country. I have started to make friendships with a couple of nursery mums, but I am so shy and struggle with feeling like a burden.
Lately, DH has had to work away and I just feel so cripplingly alone. My health is not the best and the other day I had a health scare. I realized if we had an emergency, we have absolutely no one we could call on. Our neighbors are very elderly. I have had to cut ties with my wider family and DH never had any living relatives since we met. What would happen if I had to go into hospital, what would happen to my girls? I am so scared and alone. I never imagined being a parent would feel like this.

Sorry you are feeling like this, loneliness is so hard. I would recommend Peanut app, there’s lots of mums on there looking for friends. I have made a lovely friend through that app as have some other friends of mine in their local areas.

I know you said you've contacted some charities to volunteer with, but it might be worth casting your net wider. With your DH working away, it would make sense to volunteer somewhere you DCs could be involved so you aren't stuck for childcare. I volunteered running our village playgroup when DCs were smaller, and now I'm on the school PTA, volunteer in school, and am beginning to help with DCs sports club. DH has become a Scout leader.
I don't have a family outside my household, and had the same worries about a lack of support network once we'd had DCs. I have found volunteering the best way to embed myself into the community and make friends. The DCs starting school also helped, and by offering to help other parents who have found themself in a tight childcare spot, now have a small number of people who would take my DCs in an emergency.

@cripplinglyalone , you sound like a lovely and thoughtful person, and I am sure you are a great mum and a good friend.

I second the volunteering idea - I volunteer for a museum and have met all sorts of people (including many who are inclined to reach out a helping hand to others, as that's partly what it is about), and seen many people I think would have described themselves as shy build their confidence and shine.

And, if you can, take some little steps to building friendships with the other nursery mums - just a little walk to the playground, a coffee in the park - it will all help, and you will start to feel more confident and connected. Most people would step in to help a local mum they know a little bit, in an emergency, I think, if they could.

I wish you all the best for 2023.

Oh dear and I thought I used up all my tears last night.
Thank you for taking the time to share your story, it means so much.
You faced your worst-case scenario and it was OK, that gives me a lot of hope, A lot of my fears are around emergency health scenarios as i feel I could cope with anything else. Like many others, I was terrified with Covid as on the vulnerable list and just thought gosh what would I do if I couldn't look after the kids.
Turns out I did get covid pretty bad and DH had to take DD ot hospital twice, but we coped.

Financially we are fortunately comfortable and I could afford some help. I have tried to reach out to local babysitters but not had a lot of luck- they can probably smell my desperation. I do have a cleaner and maybe I will spend a bit more time chatting to her.(again, I always feel like a burden so I make sure I am not home when she comes). On the money subject, I try to give a lot back subtly where I can, foodbanks, donations, and charities. We are by no means rich but I hate how unfair and unbalanced money and wealth are. We will never be rich because I like to share my extras.

I relate a lot to what you said about crises in childhood. My parents spent a lot time telling me I needed to find somewhere else to live, I would cry through my lessons, age 11, wondering if they would catch me if I tried to live in their shed. I have done a lot of therapy but maybe I will reach out and do more.

Thanks again for such a beautifully written reply. I know Mumsnet get some stick for being cruel but the response to my post has blown me away.

Thank you for the recommendation. I am going to just push myself out the comfort zone and sign up.

Thank you for the kind advice. I feel like it would take a lot of courage to put myself forward like that, I am scared of rejection and not boing good enough. I will, however lok for opportunities to help when I can. I have already been asked to help with tiny things at DDs nursery and those mums will never know how much that meant to me!

Why not interview a mothers help?

I chose an older lady to help me, one that was motherly with my children and kind. You may have a different preference. It sounds like you can afford it, definitely start looking at agencies, au pairs, mothers helps etc that can help at home. It’s amazing how much more supported you can feel with a hands on rock solid lady, she can help you in so many ways and as part of the arrangement she would be on call for emergencies.
In my case once I had her in place she felt like a second mother, I stopped worrying so much. I knew we had options then.

It will take the pressure off needing to make friends, because first and foremost it is better to have friends you really like, that grow organically and over time rather than rushing to have them for back up help etc. You sound like a lovely person and I hope you give those around you the chance to be a part of your life, as with a few friends, a home help that you really get a long with and relaxing into your new surroundings you can really start to enjoy your life without the worry.

You will get stronger over time, your children will become older and more resilient and it will get easier. You have taken the biggest step of stopping the cycle and now you need to make your life as comfortable, warm and supported so you can enjoy motherhood and retain your strength. There will be bumps, and you will have moments of doubt, but with strong back up you can definitely come through all of this and have the life you hope for 💐

OP, I volunteer for a national museum that has a big volunteer programme, and have helped with recruitment for it. People sometimes say they know they are shy, anxious, lacking in confidence, have poor English, any number of things, and one of the reasons they volunteer is to develop confidence and skills. They are often buddied up with an experienced volunteer to support them and helped to find a role that will suit. So if you want to volunteer, I would recommend trying a large organisation that has a well developed programme with lots of training and support, if possible - it may not be where you live, of course. We get such positive feedback, and lots of opportunities to learn new skills - and we look after each other 😀.