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Original poster

Left out of social events - how to deal?

38 replies

DHbillyNoMates · 31/12/2022 07:57

Will try to keep this brief.

DH has had a big group of mates from teens. We married 8 years ago and initially we were both invited to stuff, weddings, christenings, kids parties etc. But 6 years ago we had twins who have severe complex needs. Life is hard, and opportunities to socialise a re few and far between. Over the last 18 months DH has gone to any event he has been invited to (not many, about 3,) except for one big birthday night out which clashed with a holiday recently .

This morning there are pics all over sm of his mates (and wives) enjoying a night out. He knew nothing about it and is hurt. We saw one of his mates last week and DH expressed surprise that there was no Christmas night out this year, and his friend said yeah, no nothings been arranged.

I'm trying not to assume the worst of folk, and feel there's a chance it was a thoughtless thing not to invite him (us?) As highly unlikely we'd both be able to go - but DH could have. The friend I know the best is the one we saw last week, and I'm tempted to message to find out if it was deliberate or thoughtfulness. But I don't want to make things worse (not sure they could be tbh) and he may not be honest anyway.

Maybe I'm the problem? We did have invitations to kids parties and had their kids to ours in the early years but they've stopped since we haven't had parties for ours. So my relationship with the wives has dwindled. But even if they dislike me, I don't know why they didn't invite DH. Not sure what to do or say to DH really Sad

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 31/12/2022 08:32

Sod them OP. Speaking from experience, there’s nothing you can do.

ColadhSamh · 31/12/2022 08:34

Tough one. How often do you see this friend you saw last week? Not sure its something that I would text about and so i would wait to meet face to face. That way i would be see their reaction and judge the body language. On the face of it does seem cruel and heartless.

You seem to have a strong relationship with your husband and the hurt you feel on his behalf is obvious.

Original poster
DHbillyNoMates · 31/12/2022 08:49

@ColadhSamh not often, just in passing really. DH is already low as life is so restricted with our kids and this is like the icing on the cake really Sad

OP posts:
Dietgonetoshit · 31/12/2022 08:53

I found over the years that people don't want to know if DCs have special needs in any way, it's too much work for some. You find out who your friends are when times are difficult. It's shit, I've been there.. @MinnieMountain is right, 👍

LlynTegid · 31/12/2022 08:56

Sadly you have found out a hard way who are not your real friends are. Not nice at all.

CoraPirbright · 31/12/2022 09:02

I think you now have absolutely nothing left to lose by contacting the friend and saying “I thought you said that no Christmas night out had been arranged? Now its all over SM! DH is already pretty low because life with our kids does not allow much in the way of nights out etc so he would have absolutely loved to have joined you” and see what the response is. It’s just cruel, imo, so they should bloody well be made to squirm a bit!

Either the exclusion was deliberate or they were thoughtless gits but really, the relationship has now been soured, hasn’t it so, as I said, nothing left to lose really…..

schratching · 31/12/2022 09:02

That's crap. I'd say something before assuming, just say we're hurt we're not invited. If you don't hear from them after that then they're not true friends. It could be as innocent as they've grown closer as they do more things together. In which case they're inconsiderate.

Sometimes life does get hard and people drift apart. It hurts. I've come off social media as I can't keep up with my friends recently. The expectations before xmas, the pressures. We have twins too but no complex needs.

I would try and explain to them though.

MinnieMountain · 31/12/2022 09:04

Unfortunately I’ve realised that people sometimes move on regardless of whether or not you’re going through hard times.

Original poster
DHbillyNoMates · 31/12/2022 09:08

CoraPirbright · 31/12/2022 09:02

I think you now have absolutely nothing left to lose by contacting the friend and saying “I thought you said that no Christmas night out had been arranged? Now its all over SM! DH is already pretty low because life with our kids does not allow much in the way of nights out etc so he would have absolutely loved to have joined you” and see what the response is. It’s just cruel, imo, so they should bloody well be made to squirm a bit!

Either the exclusion was deliberate or they were thoughtless gits but really, the relationship has now been soured, hasn’t it so, as I said, nothing left to lose really…..

This is how I feel, but if it all blows up Im worried DH will be mad at me for getting involved. They are his friends really so in one way it's not my place is it? But on the other hand they have been shitty and upset DH which has obviously upset me too.

OP posts:
schratching · 31/12/2022 09:14

I'd ask your husband for permission first they're his friends.

maddy68 · 31/12/2022 09:21

Do not message them.

They are your husband's friend s it's his battle to fight.

Tbh it could be that you are the issue do you constantly talk about your children ? If you are at home with them it's a natural thing to do but is very tedious for people who want a fun night out without talking about serious things.

Also it might just be because your DH is low. ..he isnt actually much fun to be around

It also doesn't seem like either of you invest much in the friendship group. Why are you both waiting for an invitation? Why aren't you both arranging a get together ?

I would say to you dh. Why don't we have a new year get together. Maybe just him arrange a "boys" night

Sorry I hope that doesn't sound harsh

WhirlyTwirly · 31/12/2022 09:27

I have experience something similar. It did really hurt at first. It took me a long time to realise they’re mainly just a bunch of twats so nothing lost now.

Original poster
DHbillyNoMates · 31/12/2022 09:38

maddy68 · 31/12/2022 09:21

Do not message them.

They are your husband's friend s it's his battle to fight.

Tbh it could be that you are the issue do you constantly talk about your children ? If you are at home with them it's a natural thing to do but is very tedious for people who want a fun night out without talking about serious things.

Also it might just be because your DH is low. ..he isnt actually much fun to be around

It also doesn't seem like either of you invest much in the friendship group. Why are you both waiting for an invitation? Why aren't you both arranging a get together ?

I would say to you dh. Why don't we have a new year get together. Maybe just him arrange a "boys" night

Sorry I hope that doesn't sound harsh

No, not harsh, I appreciate opinions.

The last time I saw them all was at a wedding over a year ago. I don't talk about the children as no-one really understands what it's like and I dont want to be a downer. As you say, I spend all my time with them, when I have a (rare) night off I want to talk about other things Smile.

You're right, we don't organise things. That's because we struggle to find time to shower and do basic household tasks, never mind a night out. But I appreciate what you're saying.

I have wondered if DH is/has been a killjoy on nights out. He says not, but I wonder. I have said maybe be needs to make more of an effort but he certainly doesn't want to now and I can't say as I blame him.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 31/12/2022 09:43

Friendships require investments on both sides. If you haven't seen them since a wedding last year then you /he aren't making the effort

They have been meeting without you /DH

If you want to maintain friendships you have to put some effort in

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 31/12/2022 09:46

My take on it life's to short.

Could you and DH find new friends? Maybe join some local disability groups with like minded parents you can form friendships with?

I had a similar situation with someone who I thought I was really close too I invited her to everything, but she never returned the invites and then dropped me when something better came along reason being I struggled to get a sitter for my disabled DS.
Life's to short for crap friends.

Original poster
DHbillyNoMates · 31/12/2022 09:48

maddy68 · 31/12/2022 09:43

Friendships require investments on both sides. If you haven't seen them since a wedding last year then you /he aren't making the effort

They have been meeting without you /DH

If you want to maintain friendships you have to put some effort in

DH has seen them several times since then. I was responding to it being me they have a problem with. We can't have nights out together as the twins needs mean we can't find anyone to look after them for a night.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 31/12/2022 09:51

A friend of mine's friendship circle shrank dramatically after she had a child with a disability and autism. I think partly because she was always so flexible and could do things spontaneously before, but after having a child, particularly one with additional needs, obviously stopped that. The father is not on the scene. Plus some people, not her friends but people she lives near her that kind of know, will actually cross the street to avoid her when she is with her child. Her daughter is a sweet, affectionate girl, and does not display any socially unacceptable behaviour.
Most of her 'social' life (not to the extent that they are close friends, but they share a bond) now is with parents of children at her daughter's special school and other organisations related to families with autistic children (she is 'severely' autistic, if that's the right way of putting it. She will never be able to live independently).
It is devastating how people can be, but I don't see how you interfering will help at all.

Emmamoo89 · 31/12/2022 09:52

Effort has to go both ways. You can't expect them to do the invites all the time. I understand its hard with the twins but I think they'd appreciate more if you's were to organise something. They might think yous don't value the friendships. However if you do make effort and they still act like this and don't invite then fuck 'em.

MissHavershamReturns · 31/12/2022 10:00

Op I’m so sorry to hear this - my heart goes out to you and your oh.

This is a really common experience for us SN parents I’m afraid - we had similar with our dc with so called mild sn and found out who our real friends were.

My db who has a child with really complex needs (PMLD, epilepsy, vision impairment, mobility needs) has been dropped by two sets of friends Sad

Original poster
DHbillyNoMates · 31/12/2022 10:07

@Emmamoo89 it was a night out in town. DH had asked 2 separate friends about a night out over Christmas and they both said they could do with a night out but no-one had planned anything. DH asked them to let him know if they were up for anything. We find it easier to fit in with when the wider group can meet up rather than expecting everyone to fall into line for us iyswim. So I don't think they can say he's not interested in them.

OP posts:
Chuckiegg · 31/12/2022 10:10

Was it a 'couples night out' and they knew you wouldn't go and your dh would go alone?

Original poster
DHbillyNoMates · 31/12/2022 10:12

@Chuckiegg in the main yes, although 2 of DH's mates were there alone, one is single and one is in a newish relationship. So not really a reason not to even ask.

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 31/12/2022 10:17

I wouldn’t get involved.

is your husband into any sporting stuff? Personally I’d be gently moving him
in that direction instead. Going out and getting passed is rarely good for anyone’s mental health however getting into cycling or sailing or something like that might allow him to have some male bonding alongside some much needed adrenaline relief.

Prinnny · 31/12/2022 10:17

Ah that’s sad, especially as the friend said they had no plans! I think I would want to send a msg similar to what PP said upthread but if DH was against it I’d go with a passive aggressive Facebook ‘like’, maybe even a ‘wow looks you had a fab night’ comment but I am a petty bitch at times!

FestiveFruitloop · 31/12/2022 10:23

Chuckiegg · 31/12/2022 10:10

Was it a 'couples night out' and they knew you wouldn't go and your dh would go alone?

That shouldn't matter with real friends. Wanting to socialise in couples only is pretty childish imho.