Left out of social events - how to deal?

[DHbillyNoMates]

Will try to keep this brief.

DH has had a big group of mates from teens. We married 8 years ago and initially we were both invited to stuff, weddings, christenings, kids parties etc. But 6 years ago we had twins who have severe complex needs. Life is hard, and opportunities to socialise a re few and far between. Over the last 18 months DH has gone to any event he has been invited to (not many, about 3,) except for one big birthday night out which clashed with a holiday recently .

This morning there are pics all over sm of his mates (and wives) enjoying a night out. He knew nothing about it and is hurt. We saw one of his mates last week and DH expressed surprise that there was no Christmas night out this year, and his friend said yeah, no nothings been arranged.

I'm trying not to assume the worst of folk, and feel there's a chance it was a thoughtless thing not to invite him (us?) As highly unlikely we'd both be able to go - but DH could have. The friend I know the best is the one we saw last week, and I'm tempted to message to find out if it was deliberate or thoughtfulness. But I don't want to make things worse (not sure they could be tbh) and he may not be honest anyway.

Maybe I'm the problem? We did have invitations to kids parties and had their kids to ours in the early years but they've stopped since we haven't had parties for ours. So my relationship with the wives has dwindled. But even if they dislike me, I don't know why they didn't invite DH. Not sure what to do or say to DH really

I would encourage DH to have a chat with them because I suppose at this point he has nothing to lose?

Ask yourselves this- do you think you’re good company on a night out? I have a mate and I love her to bits she has a teen with ADHD and a DD with significant learning difficulties. When I see her 80% of the time is her dumping out about how hard and shit things are. And that’s what she needs so it’s fine. The other 20% of the time is great.

Did you even bother to read the OP? If you did, then you have absolutely no understand what it is like to have twins with complex needs.

It's shit to leave people out like this, there's no way to dress it up.

Those saying that the OP and her husband should arrange a night out really don't understand. You can't just easily find a babysitter for two children with complex needs.

It also sounds like the OP is upset for her husband, not that she wasn't invited herself. Even if you don't think a friend won't be able to attend something, you do the decent thing and at least ask them.

Why would you having twins with complex needs mean you’re being left out? Tbh I wouldn’t even know the needs of many of my friends’ kids because I socialise with them in the evenings and hardly ever set eyes on their kids. I have a very good friend who’s child is about as disabled as a person can be and she’s got tons of friends.

If DH asked about a night out and was told nothing was planned then he’s been deliberately left out which is cruel, and will have been discussed as otherwise someone will have automatically texted him. That would absolutely be a red line for me and I would be discussing it with them. Poor DH. Men can really suffer friendship wise, I’ve seen it in my own DH at times, he’s funny and kind but doesn’t seem to have the knack for new friendships. I’ve actually put quite a lot of effort into his friendships and he now has a nice little group. It was making him quite low at one point. You obviously have a lot on your plate but is there anything you could do to encourage him?

Ah I'm sorry. This is so hurtful. I understand your desire to probe into it more but you really musn't. As much as your intentions are wholly good, they may not be well received.

Ideally, dh would raise this with someone in the group he is comfortable confiding in.

Ah that's crappy . It's so hurtful to be left out. DH and I were part of a group of mates, used to go out / go on holiday with them regularly. Our youngest was then diagnosed with a serious illness that made it harder (not impossible) to go out, and we slowly got pushed out "we didn't think he'd cope" etc. Even adult nights out stopped, we just don't think they knew what to say, so decided it was best not to see us.

They've continued to be friendly, and 5 years on it still stings to see stuff on SM.

@FestiveFruitloop I agree but was trying to imagine how the group might be justifying it to themselves.
I would be really hurt and would probably need to ask one of them why you weren't included.

All my 'mainstream" friends with children disappeared as soon as soon as my ds' special needs were obvious. Instant conversation killer if u even mention anything about him which is not amazing, clever, outstandin.

I then restored friends through interest/hobby groups but don't see them in "family" groups.

I would leave your DH to contact the group and maybe say that he is still free to attend in case they think that he is too tied down/busy.

Thanks all. I won't get involved but have encouraged DH to speak to them as like others have said, it's soured now anyway, so nothing to lose.

To pp who've been through similar, thank you for the solidarity. I'm really sorry that you have experienced this kind of thing too

For goodness sake. I have a child with complex needs

I still make the effort with friends ....

Good for you. I'm sure that you realise that the OPs situation must be even more difficult then, given that she had twins. A little empathy perhaps.

Make friends with other families with SEN children. They are kind people. They get it. They too are desperate to have a social life and will be welcoming. Most of the nicest people I know, certainly the most welcoming socially, have SEN children.

Don't contact his friends, I've been quite literally in this exact situation, DS undiagnosed special needs etc.

I mentioned it to one of DH's friends when we were out seeing him and his wife. I can't remember the exact conversation but it didn't go down well at all.... in fact I was surprised by how negative and un empathetic he was about it. All I had done was mention it casually "seems like a lot of nights out, we never seem to get an invite ha ha" sort of thing.

Now he doesn't see any of them at all. It was sad to see tbh, but after being shot down after mentioning it casually once, I never did again. I deleted my social media because I was fed up of seeing pics of stuff we hadn't been invited too plus I had my own reasons too.

People grow apart and move on and I'm honestly torn in what the best thing to do is. Formally end the relationship or sort of ghost and let them wonder? Both are cruel 🤷🏻‍♀️