Parenting book - 11 year old with face like a smacked @rse

[BrassicaBabe]

Help! We're heading for the next phase of parenting. 11 year old daughter, no periods, is becoming hormonal. Rude. Sullen. Sulky. Non communicative.

I'm actually finding it quite triggering harking back to my relationship with my mother.

Anyway, I need some help/advice. Can anyone recommend a book for parenting tweens and onwards?

Thanks!

How about just practice some empathy? Poor kid.

It is tricky but yes try to remember what it felt like up be a tween/teen. Bloody horrible ime.

My approach so far has been to pretend they are not being sulky etc and just give lots of hugs and do things like gold laundry, go for drives, go clothes shopping etc and hope communication comes out at those times! It usually does eventually.

Is it only kids that get empathy? How about posters on a parenting board who identify that they're struggling and are asking for advice? Or are they only entitled to judgement?

OP I have no answers but my 10yo DD is showing signs of this and I know full well she pushes every single one of my buttons so I'd be really interested in any constructive responses to your query.

In one of the groups I'm in Sarah Ockwell Smith's book for this age gets good press. Sorry I don't know the name.

How To Talk So That Teens Will Listen is excellent. I also found Get Out Of My Life v useful. Good luck! It’s not easy and it does feel like you need a new skill set but there are fun bits to having teens too, I promise.

it’s so hard isn’t it? My relationship with my mum was filled with so many rows at this point.

My other half works with teenagers and that has been so useful to me. I would say don’t take it personally. Don’t escalate. Allow people to have their moods and ups and downs - people are allowed to feel grumpy, or sad or withdrawn.

And this book is awesome. 100% recommend.

Sorry this isn’t a book recommendation but I find the ability to privately laugh at what your teen finds outrageous quite helps release tension.
I also have a toddler and the skills are not that different in terms of keeping calm, consistent and giving them the opportunity to express those big emotions. It’s more complex with teens obviously but basic techniques are the same.

Divas and Doorslammers by Charlie Taylor is supposed to be good. He explains that, during puberty, the tween/teen’s brain is actually retiring - new connections are being made. Whilst this is happening, they lose some abilities - empathy, sense of proportion, ability to see one’s self as not the centre of the universe, impulse control, temper control. If I remember correctly, he says it is akin to a temporary form of brain damage.

But the key word there is temporary - when the retiring settles down most, of not all, of these abilities come back.

We went through this with ds3 - his older brothers’ teen years were not too bad, but he was significantly worse - lots of shouting, swearing, door slamming etc - but he did come out the other side of it, and is now a sensible, mature young man, with a degree and a good job. We now have a very good relationship with him, and he with us, and he is a pleasure to know.

So there is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

I would also add that when I’ve been through tricky times with my teen I’ve made an extra effort to do stuff for ME. When you are not getting much “job satisfaction” from parenting you have to make sure you are filling your cup somewhere else, even if it’s just shutting yourself in your bedroom with Netflix and a bag of maltesers.

🤣🤣she gets plenty of that. You don't get our whole rounded life story from a post of a couple of sentences. Im asking for help with the stuff mentioned. There's no need for me to mention the millions of amazing things about her.

I agree with this. Parenting a teen is bloody stressful, look after yourself.

It’s “Between” - worth a read, I agree

@Mardyface thanks. I find it exhausting pretending everything is fine and being all breezy. I do it. But then feel I need to hide in the bathroom and scream.

@Rotherweird thanks. Downloading the audiobook now. Beginning to think that teen years is going to make the newborn twin days look like a walk in the park!!

Dan Siegel ‘Brainstorm’. I found it placed a positive spin and gave sound reasoning for some behaviours!

Thanks @MrsMikeHeck part of my problem via my mother is that I feel that anyone's bad mood is because of me. I know it's not. But the feeling hits deep and I have to work extra hard as a result.

Let it go/pick your battles is the best advice I can give. 9 times out of 10 it's not the hill you want to die on. Make sure you have a place you can go timeout to destress yourself. Try model behaviour and explain WHY you do things - safety/love/prepping them to be independent adults and so on. It doesn't always work as they might not like your reasons but I found my kids to be less of an 'angry pants' when I did this.
Also don't ever ever ever do impressions 'i 'ate you' 'ugh it's so unfair' at them or call them angry pants, sulky bum or mard arse.. 😈😂

How to talk so teens will listen is pretty good.

I can sympathise with finding this stage triggering, I found it really made me think about my own tween/teenage years. It’s so important to realise that what’s being triggered in you has nothing at all to do with the child you have in front of you so you need to deal with your own feelings separately. Think about the language you’re using to describe her as well, thinking about her in a more positive and empathetic way will help you both.

Things I’ve learned:

Dont take it personally. She has her own shit going on, she’s learning to navigate her hormones and her changing brain. She’s not doing any of it to annoy you.

Keep communication open even if it seems like she doesn’t want you to. Car journeys together, quiet evenings in front of the tv, a wee notebook you can pass between the two of you. Lots of opportunities to talk even if she only takes you up on 2% of them!

Encourage her to keep active, it can help so much with mood and getting comfortable in a rapidly changing body.

But most of all, as mad as it sounds, work on healing your inner 11 year old, she’s going to need parented through this at least as much as your daughter is!

@BrassicaBabe I find myself using emotional blackmail like my parents did too if I'm honest. I do find allowing them to be pissed off/sulky like I was never allowed to be difficult but if I can it's a bit like sticking 2 fingers up at them back then.

Choose your battles. I can not emphasise this enough!

Just Between Us by Meredith and Sofia Jacobs is the name of the journal I used with my eldest, it has prompts in it as well as space to just write about whatever you like.

Lorraine Candy's book on mums and teenage girls is supposed to be good. I haven't read it as I have boys.
The Postcards from Midlife FB page often has mums seeking ranting/asking about their teenager's behaviour - you are not alone!

my other half works with teenagers and that has been so useful to me. I would say don’t take it personally. Don’t escalate. Allow people to have their moods and ups and downs - people are allowed to feel grumpy, or sad or withdrawn
This is nice advice.
I think I would add, really listen when they talk to you and resist the temptation to lecture/explain. Rewards work better than sanctions too.