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Family doing nothing.

87 replies

BlastedPimples · 29/12/2022 10:18

All of them just lying around in bed. Refusing to get up. Do anything. It's like this every single holiday from school. Aged 17, 15, 13 and 10.

I hate it. It brings me down so much when they just do nothing and refuse to do anything.

I try to get them up and out. Nothing. Like millstones.

I can't see any positive future for them. Zero movement. Zero energy. And I get sucked into the vortex of inertia and doing nothing.

OP posts:
Fififafa · 29/12/2022 12:42

Choose your battles. Teenagers are going to Teen. I have 2 teens and yes the lie-ins are common during the school holidays. However, they still have chores to do and have to be out of bed by lunchtime. Do yours have chores to do? I don’t pay mine by the way. It’s an expectation, they aren’t doing us a favour.

The younger one also has a job, older one is currently looking. That helps with getting them out and doing stuff. They both still socialise with friends, gym for the older one, just tends to be later on in the day. We still go out and socialise as a family, but that obviously isn’t as frequent as it used to be, which honestly isn’t a problem for me. Also schoolwork is on track so no issues, however I know you mentioned that you have a school refuser.

Perhaps help the older one find a job? It helps build a sense of responsibility (getting up early etc)and to be honest the money earned is a huge motivator.

Good luck and remember “This too shall pass”.

Miajk · 29/12/2022 12:50

BlastedPimples · 29/12/2022 10:41

Of course rest and relaxation is important. But after a week in bed and lounging in front of the TV, apart from the occasional meal, it is perhaps time to move around.

It's the same throughout the summer holidays. I offer to take them out all the time. Zero interest.

But... Why is it time to move around?

Why are you trying to constantly force people to do things they don't want to do? Don't you think it's a bit controlling?

sobeyondthehills · 29/12/2022 13:09

I personally think, the different holiday's make a difference as well. Christmas time is so filled with so much stimulation, that afterwards, I try and make sure we do as little as possible.

DS (10) still has to do his chores, like cleaning his room and we play a few board games to keep off screens, but none of it forced or planned, just as and when, but otherwise we just potter about

sheepdogdelight · 29/12/2022 13:16

Organise something with the 10 year old. Offer the activity to the teens but don't force it.
Have one family outing a month(or a holiday). Everyone can input into what it is and when it is, but they are all expected to go on it.

I can't see the issue with teens lounging round in bed and on their phones. Partly because I'm doing much the same myself as I need a rest. They should still be doing their basic jobs round the house though.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 29/12/2022 13:18

I'm 32 and I don't want to do anything either. And don't unless someone else makes plans.

BlastedPimples · 29/12/2022 13:24

@Miajk I don't "constantly try to force people" to do things they don't want to do. Bizarre comment.

I try to get them out of bed after days of lolling in them. I make suggestions. I ask if they'd like me to drive them to their friends' houses. Cinema. Skateboarding.

They might occasionally hoover when asked or empty the dishwasher. But no help really. Generally lazy.

OP posts:
Worklessplaymore · 29/12/2022 13:24

Starve them out op! 😃

Seriously though you usually have to use guile. I use more straightforward enforcement of routines during term time but during holidays a more subtle approach works better.

The worst thing you can do is the direct approach eg “everyone up now!”
Or hang around waiting for them.
Get on with your own stuff and they will sidle down and maybe join in.
Start baking, painting a wall, playing table tennis with your dh on the kitchen table, a diy project … .

Model the behaviour you want them to do: bicycling, sport, gym, trying new things. Teens hate a hypocrite! And make no mistake they are watching you and your daily habits even though they appear to be shut off. (You need to get your dh on side here.)

Or, get each of them to decide individually on a day out of their choosing during the holidays (according to a budget) with the agreement that they all have to attend each others or no one goes anywhere. That way they urge each other to get up and out.

Sometimes it works to rush in to their rooms wearing a coat looking busy and mention that you are driving past the shops on your way to somewhere else and does anyone need dropping off and collecting? And once you have them captive in the car, go on a detour via a skate park, climbing wall, IKEA, sculpture park and reward with junk food on way home, end on a positive note. My older teen and I actually shared a quick complicit smile when I played the “oh look, what a surprise, we’ve ended up here!” trick on her younger cousin recently. 😄

A few of them won’t want to come with you initially but they’ll start to hear from others what you did and will maybe venture out next time.

Maybe introduce an animal in to your life and if it’s a dog get a walking rota going. It’s much easier to enforce good animal welfare standards than tidying their rooms. Love is a verb etc.

Invite some other people around to the house to change the dynamic. Or put on loud music.

Pretend you need help with something - video, phone, carrying heavy furniture, helping an elderly neighbour, navigating the route to an errand, and entice them out that way.

Finally, bribery. Send them off supermarket shopping and tell them they can keep the change (a set amount) that you will be back in a couple of hours and that they are cooking tonight. (Persuade your dh out of the house for this one.) Or set them a serious adult problem to solve (the door on the landing that sticks) it’s surprisingly what they can achieve when left to their own devices.

I have also done the “I am half way through prep of lunch or dinner”
trick “and I have to go and drop x off urgently , can you
please take over and I will be back soon?” then take your dh out for a quiet drink.

Or just leave your older two in charge of the younger ones and take your dh out for the entire day. They will survive! You might be surprised what they get up to!

Finally, if all else fails, turn off the Wi-fi for a couple of hours late morning or early afternoon. My experience is that teens enjoy lying in until late morning but after that everyone gets a bit grouchy and restless. They need something concrete to do every other day at least. I work on the rough agreement that we alternate between one day free for themselves and one day doing something together or individually.

And get a time tracking app on their phones that they have to report in about every so often. You can write the hours up
on a chalk board if you want and reward a prize for fewest hours on line. No lectures or comment. Just leave it up for everyone to see!

Remember though that while being on your phone does tend to lead to a lack of physical activity which definitely needs addressing ; it doesn’t necessarily equate with zero other activities.

In my day we had phones to chat our friends, Walkmans to play music, books to read, tape recorders to learn stuff off by heart, drawing materials to practice art, encyclopaedias from which to learn, a diary to write in etc … and one phone can serve all of those purposes in one. So your teens might not be as inactive as you think they are!

BlastedPimples · 29/12/2022 13:27

@Worklessplaymore you sound like a genius parent.

Thank you for all your tips!

OP posts:
Duchess379 · 29/12/2022 13:27

Eh?! It's the holidays, what do you want them to do? Gardening? paint the house? 🤷🏼

Worklessplaymore · 29/12/2022 13:41

BlastedPimples · 29/12/2022 13:27

@Worklessplaymore you sound like a genius parent.

Thank you for all your tips!

Thank you but I am really not! I have “feisty” teens myself and lots of teen nieces, nephews and second cousins so it’s a question of practice I guess, just like in any other sphere of life. Good luck!

familyissues12345 · 29/12/2022 14:08

Yes I have the same, two DS's aged 14 and 19 (19 year old back from Uni). They sleep in, then lollop around the place for the rest of the day. I busy myself, but it really drags me down and I don't know why?!

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 29/12/2022 14:11

Op I think When they are on the go at school it's really important to do nothing... relax.

Try and narrow down the focus so one or two days out...non negotiable and would they play games together?
X box...board game's...card.games?

Sometimes the way it's asked doesn't help...can you come at it from a more positive... right look what I got tonight...take aways and xgame?

KiwiMum2023 · 29/12/2022 14:16

Really feel for you. I’m super active and like to get out and about every day. Couldn’t cope with that lack of energy. You’ve had some good advice. I really hope things get better. Otherwise I suggest you get yourself out and enjoy some fresh air on your own terms rather than waiting around.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 29/12/2022 14:18

@Worklessplaymore

Rush in the room looking busy 🤣 once captive in the car 🤣🤣.

Hilarious.

Your advice needs savings somewhere for help to us all. Brilliant.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 29/12/2022 14:29

"Yes. It's bad for my mental health too and who know what theirs will be like in future years.
I'm the family nag. I give up now. Had enough."

You've already suggested your 17yo has MH problems so it's not just your MH you need to think of. Stop moaning - let them be teens!

3 teens here and I rarely do anything with all 3 at once. They knew the dates/times they were expected to join in (meals with family) but other than that I arrange something to do with each of them individually - a show, a long walk, IKEA, lunch/coffee out, mooch around a bookshop, playing a vintage computer game, going to the gym (even if only sitting in spa). THEY choose, I don't nag and they get one on one time which is way more successful than me yelling at them to get out of bed to join in something I'm telling them they're all doing. Then other times they sleep or do their own thing.

It's 1pm - my 18yo only just got up and we're off to pick some new accessories for their uni room. My next down is revising but joined me with my friend for dinner last night, tomorrow we've planned her favourite country walk, youngest has just picked some recipes from my new cookbooks and we'll jointly cook something of their choice tonight. Also going to the V&A and big Waterstones with this one, but they'll suggest which day.

Understand they're in a different place to you and you need to allow them to be teens but give them individual time ---- you'll probably all be much happier.

BlastedPimples · 29/12/2022 14:54

@Bogofftosomewherehot yep. We have taken our 17 yo to be assessed by a psychiatrist who has recommended psychology session and anti depressants, both of which he refuses.

So thank you for assuming I think only of my own mental health. .

OP posts:
Bicurator · 29/12/2022 15:04

I don’t understand why you are getting a hard time OP, you sound worried about them to me. Totally understandable, my teens tend to lol about but usually organise something when they are bored enough but it doesn’t sound like yours will, I also organise/book a couple of non negotiable things for them but don’t make them be seen somewhere their peers would be 😁 My 10 year old I just book things for/organise to take them and a friend out or at least have them round.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 29/12/2022 15:22

@BlastedPimples
I didn't suggest you were ONLY thinking of your MH. I deal daily with MH, ND and service refusal, plus my job involves MH, so get it completely - but you have said - "I hate it" "it brings me down" "like millstones" "it's bad for my MH" ..... your comments make it more about you than them.

No wonder your kids find you a nag if this is your attitude. I came on here to offer some ideas but instead you've taken the victim stance.
Good luck with it all anyway and I hope your 17yo finds their way to some support.

BlastedPimples · 29/12/2022 15:41

I can only express how it makes me feel.

I wouldn't dream of assuming how they feel.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 29/12/2022 15:42

I didn't realise one wasn't allowed to express feeling on MN. Whoops.

OP posts:
Bogofftosomewherehot · 29/12/2022 16:15

You're still missing the point. Never mind.

BlastedPimples · 29/12/2022 16:43

No. I fear it is you who are missing the point.

Thank you for your time though.

OP posts:
Vitriolinsanity · 29/12/2022 17:34

I'd start by taking the 10 year old out. Go bowling or to the cinema, or the beach with a fiver of 2p for the penny shove. A few well-placed photos and coming home having had an exciting day will likely galvanise the 13 year old at least.

And change the WiFi code while you're out.

illbeinthegarden · 29/12/2022 18:03

I have two teens one of which is a school refuser... I understand how you feel. My new year's resolution is to just crack on with my own stuff and back right off them. I'm sick to death of it tbh so they can do what they like now. I've tried so much for so long. I love them both dearly but atm I'm not helping 🤷‍♀️

Frith2013 · 29/12/2022 18:05

Sounds great. I'm not dressed yet.

Don't you ever go out by yourself?