WWYD, other peoples kids

[justasmalltownmum]

Hi
Help please, as we will be seeing same families over NY.

3 families with 5 DC between them, of similar ages between 6-8.

4 play and get along great. 1 is completely different - call them B. Will break anything they make. Takes toys they are playing with and won't give them back. Ruins their games by throwing the pieces on the floor etc.

Parent of child B, says things like you won't get dessert, but then doesn't follow through. Says you won't come again, but we already have plans for NY. Says you won't get xyz thing next week/tomorrow but we all know they will. Basically the parent doesn't follow through.

Came to head, when child B hit another one of the children on purpose. Parent of child B said "child B don't do that", and child B did it again.

Wwy have done having witnessed this? What would you do if child B starts acting up again on the next visit?

What would you have said to the child that got hit as they felt child B wasn't in any trouble for hitting them.

Tia

I'll tell off any child that misbehaves in front of me.

I would ask B for an explanation of why they think it's ok to hit and how they'd feel if someone hit them.

Eventually I'd have to make a decision about these meet ups as I wouldn't want to put my child in harms way if it's avoidable.

Even if their parent is there and witnessed what they did?

Of course. I tell off children all the time, if parents are there and they do nothing or away using toilet or whatever. Tell them they won't get away with it round you, last chance and you won't give him the treat you got them all. (Get a multipack of freddos or something cheap to divide up.). Child B doesn't behave = they don't get one. Be really excited giving others theirs. If mum says anything say you follow through, hopefully they'll behave next time and if you've bought something they'll get one if so,

Maybe a reduced selection box and the others get to do a lucky dip, wrap each bar up, pop in a bag. They'll be so excited seeing what they got!
And child B will learn a lesson about what being horrible results in.

I would cancel future plans with peoples who dc hit mine
id absolutely tell that dc not to hit or they’d be going home and then I’d be asking them to leave

Which families - people you have to see (ie relatives) or your friends? I’d be seeing less of them if I could, I won’t have my children hurt/their stuff ruined repeatedly because other people are ineffectual parents.

I think I would try to arrange things without the family containing child B, I wouldn't want to have to discipline someone else's child, even if they're related to me.

If the parents won't parent effectively, they don't get included, it's as simple as that. I wouldn't let my child hit others or ruin games by poor behaviour choices, I'd expect other parents to be annoyed with me if I couldn't be arsed disciplining my child properly.

Don't invite them again. They'll get the message eventually

Anyone else think this is a taat? The additional needs nephew that's just been pulled down?

Reduce flashpoints. Put a film on and give them some Lego or something to keep fingers busy. Set them up an activity where they all do their own project separately and make sure B has plenty of space around them. Maybe go out for a walk together rather than expecting kids to occupy themselves with minimal supervision.

Re specific incidents, it depends on whether you actually saw it happen. If you didn't then don't punish anyone, have a no blame approach, maybe split them up, distract with food or a new activity. If you do see something happen then it depends on your dynamic with B's parent.

If it's your house then talk to your own kids and hide away any toys they don't want B near beforehand. You can defuse it a bit from your kids' point of view by framing it that some kids are still learning to do stuff like keep their hands to themselves, which yours are brilliant at, and sometimes maybe these kids have to work harder at these skills because they come less easily than they do to yours. Treating it as a skill deficit rather than wilful naughtiness helps you keep your temper IME too.

Firstly, why split them up into individual groups when 4 like each other / aren't thugs? Do you really think it is fair to punish the victims?
This isn't a 2 year old. But a 6+ year old.

I'm thinking same thing round a table rather than each group in a different room. There's evidence they don't collectively have the social skills to manage it all by themselves, so they need either more supervision or a bit more structure. If you disagree, fine. I'm just putting my two penn'orth in from raising an autistic child who didn't have age 6+ social skills at age 6+.

There is no indication this is a SEN child. This is a child who enjoys being cruel to others and does so because his mum isn't actively involved in parenting said thug. Honestly children really are never naughty on mumsnet are they?! They simply must have additional needs....

The other 4 might still prefer to do something together, not forced to sit round a table not allowed to play their games together because the naughty child might trash it and hurt them. It sends a terrible message to the victims.

Relatives.
All the kids are grandkids that meet at grandparents home for holidays.

Exactly.

The others all play nicely. Set up little games, make puzzles etc

Tell off the child.

If they're all relatives then this is even easier.

If parents don't follow through, then call them out. "I thought XX wasn't getting a treat after earlier?".

If they hit my child I’d deal with it. Are the decent parents not doing this because they’re too scared of the shit parents? What’s the worst that could happen, they strop off and stop trying to inflict their awful parenting on my family? Cos that sounds like a result.

If child B’s parent doesn’t effectively discipline then the parent of the child who B hit should step in in the hitting scenario. How much supervision and engagement generally is going on? In my opinion, if there’s not already, there should be at least one adult sat with the children if there’s a child like that.

My DD does have additional needs and would behave similarly, usually out of frustration but if I sat with her and gave her attention by playing games with her, she was better. She wasn’t a child that could be left to her own devices. It sounds very attention seeking behaviour from B. The trouble is, in a gathering, parents understandably want to catch up with the other adults so supervision can fall by the wayside. Also, if a child is difficult, a parent might be embarrassed to follow through because to do so might cause a massive meltdown worse than the original behaviour. All the worse when everyone else’s child is beautifully behaved.

What do the other adults usually do when B is playing up? Including the other parent if they are there?

I've told my child to hit back. Hard. That usually stops it.

I would limit time with the other family and supervise closely. If parents aren't intervening, I would "helpfully" attract their attention e.g. "could you ask dc not to snatch, hit, break things please?" Every single time.

Tell the parents of the violent child to shape up or they're not welcome.

We had family friends with a child who misbehaved and was never disciplined. He terrorised our pets, broke things in our home, rifled through the cupboards helping himself to biscuits. They felt it was normal behaviour for a boy, we disagreed and our DS was not enjoying his company.

Our DDs got on well so we started to distance ourselves from the family friendship and just invited their DD to parties and play dates.