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Original poster

DH just keeps upsetting me this Christmas

51 replies

Tiredo · 26/12/2022 11:05

Just a vent because I’m sad

We go camping around 5 times a year, I bought him around 4 really nice presents and 2 cheap but still thoughtful ones, one of them was a camping mug with a torch in.. he immediately said after he opened it “what’s this for? I don’t understand why you’d buy me something I’m not going to use for another 6 months”.

He bought me cheap and second hand trainers (complete with dirt) and a Rylan book (I don’t have any time to read and I explicitly said weeks ago please don’t buy me a book this year as I don’t want you to waste your money as I get no time to read- we have 3 very small kids and he works long shifts where I’m on my own with them so no time and as lovely as Rylan is, I’ve never expressed an interest in his life) and said I’m being rotten and ungrateful for not liking them.

I spent overall 4 hours chopping/prepping/cooking Xmas dinner yesterday, specifically so we could have loads of leftovers (I told him this was my favourite bit of the Xmas aftermath) and he’s thrown them all away 😢 said he was doing us all a favour by tidying and I burnt the mash anyway (I didn’t, it just slightly caught the pan at the bottom) so it needed throwing.

Obviously it’s all my fault and he can’t work out why I’m with such a terrible husband then. I’ve cried more times than be happy this Christmas unfortunately.

OP posts:
DuncanBiscuits · 26/12/2022 11:07

I think you know what you need to do in the New Year.

Think about what a lovely Christmas you’ll have next year without a nasty twat who doesn’t seem to like you dragging you down.

You deserve better, and being alone would be better.

Keyansier · 26/12/2022 11:10

Oh my god. That sounds horrible. I feel so sorry for you.

Is he always like this with you?

Original poster
Tiredo · 26/12/2022 11:12

I wish I could, but because of his shift work and lack of childcare/career on my part I can’t afford to leave.

He’s not always been like it but getting progressively worse, this Christmas has been the worst unfortunately and I have no one in real life to talk to about it.

OP posts:

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Stompythedinosaur · 26/12/2022 11:14

I assume he threw the lovely leftovers away because he was too lazy to put them away in the fridge.

The presents are so poor it sounds like he was actively looking for something you would get no pleasure from.

Are there any good bits to this relationship?

MumInBrussels · 26/12/2022 11:14

Even if he has redeeming features, I can't think they can possibly be enough to outweigh the arsehole behaviour you've described.

Why do you want to stay married to him? You don't have to, you know. You could escape and live without this dickishness...

Madeyoulook · 26/12/2022 11:15

What’s his explanation for giving you dirty trainers for a present? And I agree with you about the leftovers. Is he actually ok as it all sounds very weird.

Sparklfairy · 26/12/2022 11:17

I assume he threw the lovely leftovers away because he was too lazy to put them away in the fridge.

Pretty sure he did it to spoil one of OPs favourite parts of Christmas... and shit on her 4 hours of hard work into the bargain, and bonus - an opportunity to tell her her cooking was shite as she "burned" the mash so it was only fit for the bin.

Wakk · 26/12/2022 11:19

He needs to get in the kitchen and get cooking to replace the stuff he binned. If you've nothing left he needs to drive around and find a shop that's open.

Bestcatmum · 26/12/2022 11:20

You need to have a massive argument with him about his shit presents and really wipe the floor with him. I wouldn't tolerate this shit.
He's basically telling you you are worth nothing to him.
Why did you have so many children with this fuckwit and trap yourself in this way? Your only option is to fight back and demand respect.

Dodecaheidyin · 26/12/2022 11:22

I assume he threw the lovely leftovers away because he was too lazy to put them away in the fridge.

I'd put money on his throwing them away because his wife told him it was her favourite bit of the Christmas aftermath.

Same with the book, OP. You specifically asked him not to get you one - what did he do?

The dirty trainers - he's telling you that's what he thinks you're worth, something second hand and dirty.

Then he dissed one of the presents you gave him, something that he would still use, albeit in a few months.

His behaviour is intentional, OP. He intends to hurt you. Especially at this time of year, which he knows will stick in your mind because it's Christmas. This wouldn't have happened on a random Thursday. It has to be memorable, for you. What are your birthdays like with him?

DuncanBiscuits · 26/12/2022 11:26

Tiredo · 26/12/2022 11:12

I wish I could, but because of his shift work and lack of childcare/career on my part I can’t afford to leave.

He’s not always been like it but getting progressively worse, this Christmas has been the worst unfortunately and I have no one in real life to talk to about it.

OP, you can’t afford not to.

If he dropped dead tomorrow, you’d find a way to manage. Make it your New Year project to figure out an escape plan. He’ll have to pay maintenance, for a start.

NashvilleQueen · 26/12/2022 11:30

He sounds cruel and manipulative

SadOrWickedFairy · 26/12/2022 11:32

Tiredo · 26/12/2022 11:12

I wish I could, but because of his shift work and lack of childcare/career on my part I can’t afford to leave.

He’s not always been like it but getting progressively worse, this Christmas has been the worst unfortunately and I have no one in real life to talk to about it.

Yes you can divorce the bastard, you need to change your mindset on that - it is not impossible, difficult but not insurmountable.

Which would you prefer being treated the way you are by someone who doesn't love you and doesn't even seem to like you and which will have an impact on your children no matter how many times you say it won't, or life on your own with your children which maybe financially harder and difficult in other ways but one where you are not being treated so appallingly by someone who has such contempt for you?

Make a choice - you and the children only have one life to live is this the way you want to live it and is this the life you want for them?

EarringsandLipstick · 26/12/2022 11:46

Why did you have so many children with this fuckwit and trap yourself in this way?

Why do so many posters on MN trot out this tired, thoughtless comment?

Firstly, OP says he wasn't always like this. Secondly, even if there are signs, you don't see them in time (speaking from experience).

And also - stop blaming OP for her H being shit.

Windtunnel · 26/12/2022 11:49

You need to get your mojo back somehow op! He's no good for your self esteem. Don't let him grind you down. What ways do you have so you can decrease dependence on him?

Blanketsaurus · 26/12/2022 11:50

He doesn’t like or care about you.

I’d throw the shoes and the book in the bin along with the food.

Blanketsaurus · 26/12/2022 11:51

Return his Christmas presents.

EarringsandLipstick · 26/12/2022 11:53

I wish I could, but because of his shift work and lack of childcare/career on my part I can’t afford to leave.

There is always a way. I promise.

It was a Christmas when I realised how awful my marriage was and how unhappy I was. I was reading a book that spoke about forgiveness, and that at a certain point, it's not possible, when behaviour is so extreme, and particular lines had been crossed. And I realised with certainty that I could never be happy with my H. I was holding my DC3, who was 4 months old.

I felt terrified.

Sadly I had no-one to turn to, and no insight into how abusive he was being (wish I was on MN then!)

It was nearly 2 more years, dreadful years, where he wore me into the ground, before his behaviour became so appalling that it forced me to take action.

It has not been easy since. 9 years later he still does his best to exercise control over me & DC.

But I can always look back and know that it's better than what I was in.

His actions aren't thoughtlessness or poor shopping. They are intentional acts to upset & demean you, and take pleasure from you.

Is there someone IRL you can speak to?

Nagado · 26/12/2022 14:15

he immediately said after he opened it “what’s this for? I don’t understand why you’d buy me something I’m not going to use for another 6 months”. I don’t understand why he’d give you a muddy pair of second hand trainers he clearly found in a bush and a book you’ve told him you won’t have time to read, but at least he’ll get some use out of his gift eventually.

said I’m being rotten and ungrateful for not liking them Exactly what is it you’re supposed to be grateful for? Seriously, ask him to name one thing about his gifts that he’s be grateful for if you’d given them to him. And even if the trainers were a memorabilia item from your favourite member of One Direction and you were Rylan’s biggest fan, why should you show gratitude when he has been so rude about the gifts you gave him?

Obviously it’s all my fault and he can’t work out why I’m with such a terrible husband then The only answer to that is ‘I don’t know anymore’.

GlitteryShinyShit · 26/12/2022 14:49

EarringsandLipstick · 26/12/2022 11:46

Why did you have so many children with this fuckwit and trap yourself in this way?

Why do so many posters on MN trot out this tired, thoughtless comment?

Firstly, OP says he wasn't always like this. Secondly, even if there are signs, you don't see them in time (speaking from experience).

And also - stop blaming OP for her H being shit.

There is always a way. You aren't trapped and you can leave.

I'm sorry you had such a shitty day yesterday. He's a total arsehole. My dad is one and treats women like your partner treats you. He's done it with every woman who has put up with him.

You can change things if you want to.

SinnerBoy · 26/12/2022 14:55

I don't understand his horrible attitude. If my wife bought, say, some new motorbike gloves for Christmas, I'd be going "Great! Can't wait till March when I can try them, ta!" Not, "Oh you bitch, I can't use them yet."

He sounds awful and if he's been getting progressively worse, but won't even try to see your point of view, I'd agree that you're wasting your life on him. What a grub he sounds.

Sunnytwobridges · 26/12/2022 15:06

Dodecaheidyin · 26/12/2022 11:22

I assume he threw the lovely leftovers away because he was too lazy to put them away in the fridge.

I'd put money on his throwing them away because his wife told him it was her favourite bit of the Christmas aftermath.

Same with the book, OP. You specifically asked him not to get you one - what did he do?

The dirty trainers - he's telling you that's what he thinks you're worth, something second hand and dirty.

Then he dissed one of the presents you gave him, something that he would still use, albeit in a few months.

His behaviour is intentional, OP. He intends to hurt you. Especially at this time of year, which he knows will stick in your mind because it's Christmas. This wouldn't have happened on a random Thursday. It has to be memorable, for you. What are your birthdays like with him?

This.

OP this man doesn't like you anymore. He's showing you with out saying it in words.

Throwing away the food you said is your favorite part.

Buying you dirty used shoes

Buying you a book when you told him you don't have time to read

He's saying it loud and clear how he really feels about you.

Only a person that doesn't like someone else would treat a person this way.

Treacletoots · 26/12/2022 15:22

What @Dodecaheidyin said. You can't change your decisions in the past but you CAN change your future.

No matter how hard it may seem to leave, there is always a way and trust me, from experience, your life on the other side will be 100 times better than it is now.

He won't change because he doesn't want to. You can talk to him but won't change because he doesn't care. I'm sorry OP but he's telling you by his actions that he has no respect for you. Get respect for yourself and tell him to fuck off. Then make it very clear that the DC are 50% his responsibility too.

Get angry, get rid and get on with a much better life. Don't spend another miserable Christmas with this arsehole

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 26/12/2022 15:25

So he works long hours and yet you got second hand trainers with dirt? LEAVE HIM!!!

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 26/12/2022 15:26

Agree with everything that @Dodecaheidyin has said. You cannot go on like this OP. He is showing you exactly what he thinks of you.

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