DH just keeps upsetting me this Christmas

[Tiredo]

Just a vent because I’m sad

We go camping around 5 times a year, I bought him around 4 really nice presents and 2 cheap but still thoughtful ones, one of them was a camping mug with a torch in.. he immediately said after he opened it “what’s this for? I don’t understand why you’d buy me something I’m not going to use for another 6 months”.

He bought me cheap and second hand trainers (complete with dirt) and a Rylan book (I don’t have any time to read and I explicitly said weeks ago please don’t buy me a book this year as I don’t want you to waste your money as I get no time to read- we have 3 very small kids and he works long shifts where I’m on my own with them so no time and as lovely as Rylan is, I’ve never expressed an interest in his life) and said I’m being rotten and ungrateful for not liking them.

I spent overall 4 hours chopping/prepping/cooking Xmas dinner yesterday, specifically so we could have loads of leftovers (I told him this was my favourite bit of the Xmas aftermath) and he’s thrown them all away 😢 said he was doing us all a favour by tidying and I burnt the mash anyway (I didn’t, it just slightly caught the pan at the bottom) so it needed throwing.

Obviously it’s all my fault and he can’t work out why I’m with such a terrible husband then. I’ve cried more times than be happy this Christmas unfortunately.

I have asked him if he still likes me, he said he absolutely does and that I’m blowing everything out of proportion (his favourite line with me).

There isn’t much more I can do, I can’t live with only seeing my DC 50% of our lives, I can’t buy him out of our home, I can’t start again as I’ll be penniless, I can’t divorce him as I have no money. I have broad shoulders and keep thinking if I just get through the next 16 or so years the kids will be old enough to handle it better (my parents split when I was into early adulthood and it was easier) and we will be causing less harm and in better positions to split.

I can’t start again as I’ll be penniless, I can’t divorce him as I have no money

You’re married. You have half of what he has. And things might be tight for a couple of years until your DC are old enough for you to work full time. And you might have to move to a house you don’t love. But you have to ask yourself, what’s better? To stay where you are and show your children that this is what a marriage looks like? Or to be happier on your own?

if I just get through the next 16 or so years

"just"?? 16 weeks maybe.... but 16 years??

(my parents split when I was into early adulthood and it was easier)

Did your father treat your mother the way you are being treated by your husband?

and we will be causing less harm and in better positions to split.

No you won't, you are your children's role models, your relationship is what they see, hear and live with, is this what you want for them? Do you want them to treat their future partners the way you are being treated, or for their future partners to treat them the way you are being treated?

There are more than enough threads on here from the now grown up children whose parents were like you and your husband and they do not make for pretty reading. Some of them found out by virtue of friends and partner's families just how an equal, happy, marriage/partnership should be and have distanced themselves from their parents as a result of that knowledge and vowed never to inflict the dysfunction of their upbringing on their own children - are you prepared for that to happen?

You don't have to buy him out of your home, you won't be penniless and I very much doubt he will want or be able to have the children 50% of the time whatever he may say now.

You have a choice to live the way you do and put up with your husband, you are subjecting your children to it though and they have no choice.

You absolutely can leave him. You deserve much better and so do your children.

There is no way he'll want 50/50.

Have you looked on EntitledTo? How much equity do you have in the house?

Please, please don't feel you need to stay. Make your New Year's Eve resolution that this time next year you and your children will be enjoying a happy Christmas full of love.

OP, both options are bad: staying or leaving. I believe that staying in the WORST option. The other is shit too, but believe me, not being treated like shit in your own home makes a big difference! Once you see that, you'll be able to get rid of him, start again, and deal with the difficulties.

That's not how anyone should behave. Arguing doesn't get ANYONE anywhere. By all means tell him what a pain he's been but there is absolutely no need to argue, especially with children around.

If you can’t leave now can you make it a long term plan? What did you do before you had DC? Is this something you can go back to or can you retrain? When is the youngest 3? You will get some funded hours at nursery and you can use this to retrain or work.

Obviously it’s all my fault and he can’t work out why I’m with such a terrible husband then.

I honestly think this is how they justify it. You're still there, so they can't be that bad then. Means you can't ever win. There's only one solution. Show him he's wrong and leave. 💐

Dirty second hand trainers? Wtf was the thought process around that?

My first thought is that he is finished with the relationship but wants to present the appearance to your children, friends, family etc. that YOU have ended it and he is blameless and the victim. He's escalating the outrageousness of what he does to force your hand; he'll continue until he does something you HAVE to address as unforgivable/the last straw.

If you're absolutely sure you're not ready to split up with him yet, the best you can do is make sure that the consequences of his misbehaviour are so unpleasant for him that he rethinks whatever provocation/punishment he's got lined up for you next. (Just putting up with his crap/ignoring him no matter how bad it gets might be OK if it were just you, but it's not.) He's not even bothering to make any sense at this point; his behaviour will likely get progressively, and much, worse.

I have broad shoulders and keep thinking if I just get through the next 16 or so years

You won't have broad shoulders any more once you've spent 16yrs disrespecting yourself by having sex with someone who treats you like shit. Your self esteem will be on the floor. You deserve to be loved.

By then it'll be your DC disrespecting you too, not just your H. Why wouldn't they? They'll have grown up seeing that this is how it's ok to treat you, with both their parents accepting that's how things are. In my relative's home, by the time the oldest DC was 8, this pattern of everyone disrespecting her was well established. By staying, you're potentially ruining your own future relationship with the DC 🤷

I am so confused about these trainers. Have you asked him why?!? I would put them in the bin with the leftovers!!

that I’m blowing everything out of proportion (his favourite line with me)

So whenever your raise a concern he has a pattern of dismissing it. Will he ever listen to what you say, consider it? Consider discussing it? Or are you always shut up?

I have broad shoulders and keep thinking if I just get through the next 16 or so years

Please, no.

the kids will be old enough to handle it better (my parents split when I was into early adulthood and it was easier)

Easier for them or for you? As a PP asked, did your father treat your mother the way your husband is treating you?

and we will be causing less harm

You are both already causing harm - you by accepting the terrible behaviour (I'm not blaming you here, I was in exactly the same position) and him for being an utter cunt. Your children will go on to have exactly the same relationships, to be abused and to abuse.

and in better positions to split

This is not true. Do you think you'll have more money after 16 years with this 'man'? Do you think you'll be in a place mentally to be able to make such a big change? Please OP, take time to think about it, listen to what most posters are saying, you are worth more than putting up with such awful treatment.

There seems to be a lot of dirty second hand trainers and Rylan books being handed out to mumsnetters this Christmas.

Oh OP I could weep for you. I’m so sorry. Please don’t give another 16 years to this horrible man.

Are there? I've not seen them. I would hand them back

You won’t leave in 16 years because by then you’ll be a shell and so full of self doubt and no self esteem you won’t know how.

Your children will grow up witnessing all of this and will copy this behaviour in their own relationships. It’s also unfair to place the burden of ‘I stayed for you’ on them.

He won’t have 50/50 because he won’t want it and it will be an empty threat to make you stay.

He doesn’t care about you or love you.

keep thinking if I just get through the next 16 or so years the kids will be old enough to handle it better

This is a common fallacy.

I used to think 'when the DC are bigger, it will be easier'; that we would sort our problems out, and I had some fixed point when if I'd be in my 40s where it would all be 'better'.

I was in my early 30s at this point.

You cannot survive for 16 years. I stayed for nearly 2 years after I properly knew I needed to end it, and it nearly destroyed me.

Children are happy with clarity, consistency & a loving, stable parent (or parents). They can cope well wit my separation & divorce, if handled correctly.

Please think about the next step you can make to improve this situation.

I agree.

Yes, I've seen at least four posters today saying they got dirty second hand trainers and Rylan books from their partners.

I think it’s the same poster.

You don’t have to stay married to him. You can leave. You’re choosing not to. You’re choosing to be treated like sheeeet!

I grew up in a family where this awful stuff was the norm. It’s horrific for the children. Poor as you may (temporarily) be when you flee, you will be happier and you will find a way to make a living and not be dependent on this piece of slime.

Wow fuck that guy. What a prick.

Leave him when you can. Contraception in the meantime

Take back the expensive presents you bought him, return them to the shop and use the money to buy yourself something nice. Tell him why you did this. How dare he give you dirty trainers and something you said you don't want and then expect you to be grateful.

Honestly he's just being cruel to you. If you cheated on him I would applaud you. You don't owe this prick anything.

Emotional abuse much. Get him told .