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Original poster

Feeling too far away from family

28 replies

livingfarfromfamily · 25/12/2022 22:55

Just looking for some perspective really.

DH and I are both from opposite ends of the country (met when we were both working and living in London).

We both wanted to move out of London and eventually chose where to live based on areas we liked, good schools and commute to work (which was a bigger issue at the time than it is now thanks to increased WFH).

We didn’t want to choose one family over the other so we sort of live in the middle although slightly closer to my family than his (approx 1 hour 45 mins from my family and 3 hours from his).

We were driving to my parents house today and it just felt SO FAR. When we were first looking to move we briefly considered moving to an area which is only an hour train journey from them but ruled it out, I really regret it now.

DH would never want to move now as he loves where we live and thinks it is a good compromise and DD is settled at a good school.

But I keep thinking 1 hour 45 minutes just seems so far. I’m so jealous of people who live close to their families. My parents are early seventies now and I have a disabled sibling, what am I going to do as they all start to need more support 😞

Am I being ridiculous about this (very happy to be nicely told that I am, I think it would make me feel better) or is 1 hour 45 minutes a long way.

OP posts:
Walnutwhipsarenothesame · 25/12/2022 22:58

That is not a long way. 7 or 8 hours is .

ellabellaaaa · 25/12/2022 23:01

1 hr 45 mins would be an absolute dream for me. I'm an 8 hr drive (minimum) from my parents with little possibility of being able to move closer.

AkoraEdelherb · 25/12/2022 23:03

I don’t think that’s long at all, but then I live 2000+ km away from my family… it would take 24 hours to drive it (without stops or traffic jams) so it’s basically two 14 hour days in the car and one overnight en route.

Door to door it takes me 7 hours if I can get a direct flight (infrequent). Anything between 9 and 12 if it’s indirect. I’d love 1h 45mins! And I know I’m lucky to be on the same continent, some people are even further.

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AkoraEdelherb · 25/12/2022 23:04

Like PP, no possibility to move closer without taking a massive step back job-wise. So 2000km it is for now.

pizzazze · 25/12/2022 23:05

Depends on your frame of reference but 1.45 is not far. Yeah it's not pop in for tea but it's also really not a long way. But the main thing is whether it works for you

TinfoilTwat · 25/12/2022 23:07

Yeah. I live a 26 hour flight from my family. Everything's relative OP!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/12/2022 23:08

I understand. By moving halfway between both parents you've essentially committed to having to travel to BOTH sets of parents, and this will get harder as they get older. If this had been me I think I would have moved to be in the same city as one set of parents. At least you could have seen that set of parents more easily and regularly for an hour here or there which means that travelling and staying over for days at a time is then reserved for just one set of parents.

Honeyroar · 25/12/2022 23:09

I get your point. I’ve lived much further away than 1.45, but when they’re getting elderly it’s a long way.

Ayeaken · 25/12/2022 23:09

I think 1hr 45mins is a long way.

I used to live a 3/4 minute drive from my parents. I recently moved 8 miles away and the journey now takes me 20/25 minutes. Might not seem much to some but when you're used to being so close, any distance is wrench.

If 1hr 45mins feels too long to you, then it is. It doesn't matter how other people feel. If your parents/sibling require regular care/assistance from you then that commute is going to be quite consuming.

ZenNudist · 25/12/2022 23:13

I think you have done the right thing. We have similar set up. 3 hours is about the limit I'd be willing to drive regularly for ill or elderly parents.

1h45 very doable in a day.

pizzazze · 25/12/2022 23:14

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/12/2022 23:08

I understand. By moving halfway between both parents you've essentially committed to having to travel to BOTH sets of parents, and this will get harder as they get older. If this had been me I think I would have moved to be in the same city as one set of parents. At least you could have seen that set of parents more easily and regularly for an hour here or there which means that travelling and staying over for days at a time is then reserved for just one set of parents.

I agree. Compromising probably was a bad call - once you're in the car making a longish journey you may as well drive 4-5 hours if you're driving 2-3. You could have been close to one set and have a drive to the other but now you're close to no one. I realise this doesn't help you now. Is there no chance of moving? Surely it should be up for discussion if you're unhappy

VogueDarling · 25/12/2022 23:16

Hmm I live 3 and a half hours from my family we make it work

We see family every few months or so.

CowsInFields · 25/12/2022 23:17

I live approx 3 hours away (can do the journey in 2 hours and 30 on a good day).
I 100% understand how you feel, my parents are elderly too, and it feels so far. At the same time I have siblings living abroad, so compared to them I'm a lot closer.

willowstar · 25/12/2022 23:25

I live 22 hours away from my mum, who moved to another continent. It is worrying as she is ageing but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. A 1hr 45 minute journey would be great as far as I am concerned.

Original poster
livingfarfromfamily · 26/12/2022 05:27

Thank you everyone. And yes I guess it is all relative, thank you for the perspective!

To answer the question about compromising…there was some method to our madness. Basically only DH’s home city would make sense as a long term location for work reasons. We did consider it but it was me who ruled it out as I didn’t want to be a 5-6 hour journey from my family.

And then my family live rurally and I wouldn’t consider a move to their county as it’s too quiet for us and too difficult for work. We did consider a location closer to my family (1 hour away) but we ruled it out for a couple of reasons. At the time it made sense and the extra 45 minutes journey didn’t seem like a big deal but I’m kicking myself now and thinking that it would actually be so much better to “only” be an hour away plus we would also be on the train line.

I’ve tentatively tested the idea of moving again with DH but I just don’t think it’s something he will consider now. If our kids were younger I could convince him but our eldest is 7 and loves her school and is doing really well there so moving her would feel like a risk.

It’s not helped by the fact that DH is an only child and my only sibling is disabled, so both sets of parents are likely to be very dependant on us as they age and we are both feeling the pressure to be around to support them.

OP posts:
ChristmasTidyings · 26/12/2022 06:22

Given your last post, I don't think it would make sense for you to move. However, you should plant the seed that your parents and sibling should move somewhere less rural before they are too old to settle to a new area.

Original poster
livingfarfromfamily · 26/12/2022 06:37

ChristmasTidyings · 26/12/2022 06:22

Given your last post, I don't think it would make sense for you to move. However, you should plant the seed that your parents and sibling should move somewhere less rural before they are too old to settle to a new area.

I don’t think they’ll move far, sadly! My sibling is in a town and my parents in a village (but a really small one with no shop, post office, GP etc). I’m hoping my parents will eventually move into the town but so far they’re not keen. They can’t move to a new area (i.e. closer to us) as my sibling lives in a “supported living” type of place for disabled people and they wouldn’t want to lose that.

OP posts:
Original poster
livingfarfromfamily · 26/12/2022 14:09

Having been here 24 hours…actually maybe I don’t mind having a bit of distance after all 😂

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/12/2022 14:20

🤣

Holly60 · 26/12/2022 14:34

😂 this has really tickled me. Distance sometimes does make the heart grow fonder.

To be serious, I think if your current location suits your nuclear family, it's probably best to stay put - moving a youngish family somewhere rural is not a good long-term plan. Your own DC Will be in your position in 30 years- trying to decide how to get to you and compromising etc.

MargaretThursday · 26/12/2022 14:37

🤣

We're around 6 hours away depending on traffic. Dh's family are around 2 hours away and I wish mine were that close.

What does stand out to me is that you're closer to your parents than his. If you moved to be near yours then presumably you'd be that much further from his too. How would you feel if he suggested you moved to his home town to be closer to his parents, which would be just as much needed?

cptartapp · 26/12/2022 14:53

Your parents need to be preparing to buy in any care as needed as they age and minimise their dependence on you. That wouldn't be at all fair. It's what we save for all our lives to avoid relying on busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own.

grievinggirlneedsadvice · 26/12/2022 15:36

I live 9 hours from family, further from others who are overseas.
It's rubbish.
I utterly despise the way my life has gone and feel powerless to get out of it.
BUT that doesn't negate how you feel, 1.45 is definitely different than ten minutes down the road, so, yes I would say if it's too far for you, it's too far.

Original poster
livingfarfromfamily · 26/12/2022 16:22

MargaretThursday · 26/12/2022 14:37

🤣

We're around 6 hours away depending on traffic. Dh's family are around 2 hours away and I wish mine were that close.

What does stand out to me is that you're closer to your parents than his. If you moved to be near yours then presumably you'd be that much further from his too. How would you feel if he suggested you moved to his home town to be closer to his parents, which would be just as much needed?

He wouldn’t be happy about it 🙃I don’t think he’d want to be any further away.

There probably isn’t an answer other than get divorced (a bit drastic) or learn to accept it (more sensible)…

I do find it hard though and worry about the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
livingfarfromfamily · 26/12/2022 16:22

grievinggirlneedsadvice · 26/12/2022 15:36

I live 9 hours from family, further from others who are overseas.
It's rubbish.
I utterly despise the way my life has gone and feel powerless to get out of it.
BUT that doesn't negate how you feel, 1.45 is definitely different than ten minutes down the road, so, yes I would say if it's too far for you, it's too far.

I’m sorry you feel like that. Do you mind me asking how you ended up in this position?

OP posts: