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Original poster

Family Christmas fight- help please!

66 replies

Bekindbekind · 25/12/2022 11:06

Please talk me down 🙂

DS is 12 and DD is 10.

Christmas holidays started ridiculously late this year (non-UK), Friday was the last day of school!

Work has been insane and I’m a frazzled mess. Spent all day yesterday running around sorting out the shopping. The children didn’t want to come and I thought fair enough, they’re tired.

We had a nice time this morning opening presents (none for me mind you), after a while I went to make breakfast. I thought I had a full carton of eggs, for scrambled eggs and smoked salmon. It turns out there are only 2 left. I asked DS to pop to the supermarket to get some more. The shops are open today and the supermarket is literally 20 metres from our front door. LITERALLY.

Well he didn’t want to and got all upset.

So did I. I stayed calm but I made it clear that I was NOT going to the shops again and I came upstairs to my room. I’ve spent the last 10(?!) minutes sobbing.

What do I do now? I’m hungry and I just wanted to have a nice breakfast and relax. But I’m not a bloody servant? Where have I gone wrong?

I want to start by saying to him no more phone or computer until the new year. I mean FFS. But how can I salvage Christmas in the meantime, without teaching him that he can be outrageously selfish and I’ll just suck it up? Advice needed.

(The DCs father is in the picture and will back me up 100%, but we won’t see him until this afternoon.)

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 25/12/2022 15:18

Did the kids want smoked salmon and eggs? What time is it where you are? Are you really still in bed 4 hours after the egg incident?
Do you have anyone in real life to support as this seems to be an extreme reaction to me.

AutumnCrow · 25/12/2022 15:20

Sorry X-posted with you there, @Bekindbekind

You really are exhausted and fed up, aren't you? I've had a Christmas Day like that.

Original poster
Bekindbekind · 25/12/2022 15:21

AutumnCrow · 25/12/2022 15:17

OP, when my DC were young I'd give them 'Christmas present-buying pocket money' and a short list of things I would like that they could easily get from a supermarket (a new book title, a DVD, some sweets/food, a cardigan [rock and roll, me]) and set them loose to go and buy one thing each.

I'd be hanging about near the tills keeping an eye (until they were both about your DC's age), and they'd wrap the presents themselves and write their own tags.

Would that work for you to try next year, if you give them lots of notice in November. Be really clear about your expectations.

Ah that’s sweet. I really didn’t have any expectations of presents from them. I just felt a bit hard done by when DS made it clear that he really didn’t care what I wanted, he would not do something for the household. It hurt. I think because I’m so drained. (Frankly it’s ridiculous for school to finish at 3pm on the 23rd, but that’s another issue!)

OP posts:

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Original poster
Bekindbekind · 25/12/2022 15:25

MichelleScarn · 25/12/2022 15:18

Did the kids want smoked salmon and eggs? What time is it where you are? Are you really still in bed 4 hours after the egg incident?
Do you have anyone in real life to support as this seems to be an extreme reaction to me.

Yeah they did. We’re an hour ahead of the UK. I guess it is an extreme reaction; I’m just really worn out. Probably not that surprising. I wish I didn’t feel like this, but I do. I guess I just need a rest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bekindbekind · 25/12/2022 15:28

AutumnCrow · 25/12/2022 15:20

Sorry X-posted with you there, @Bekindbekind

You really are exhausted and fed up, aren't you? I've had a Christmas Day like that.

Yeah… I think the children are crabby because they’re tired, and then I get upset because I feel unappreciated.

In reality I’m glad that my children feel they can take me for granted, and that they know I love them even when they’re not very nice to me. But of course I’m human too.

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 25/12/2022 15:31

OP, I get it. I really do. It's that feeling of hurt and invisibility.

I was very aware that I had to organise the DC because their father (my ExH) would never, ever do that. ExH left when they were very young, and I had not much support or family, so it was a habit I wanted to get them into.

Awrite · 25/12/2022 15:31

You just reached your limit. I have a line. When I reach it, I down tools.

With me, it's my wider family rather than my kids but I do recognise that feeling, that emotional state when you have reached peak being taken for granted.

AutumnCrow · 25/12/2022 15:32

Awrite · 25/12/2022 15:31

You just reached your limit. I have a line. When I reach it, I down tools.

With me, it's my wider family rather than my kids but I do recognise that feeling, that emotional state when you have reached peak being taken for granted.

Yes, that describes it very well.

Miss03852 · 25/12/2022 15:32

What’s not on? I’m not being a good little servant?

You’re their parent 🤦‍♀️ It’s your job to do the shopping and make sure you have enough food in. It’s called parenting.

AutumnCrow · 25/12/2022 15:34

@Bekindbekind please just ignore The Xmas Argumenters and focus on the posters who are able to understand where you're coming from. Flowers

Original poster
Bekindbekind · 25/12/2022 15:34

Miss03852 · 25/12/2022 15:32

What’s not on? I’m not being a good little servant?

You’re their parent 🤦‍♀️ It’s your job to do the shopping and make sure you have enough food in. It’s called parenting.

Ahhh so now forgetting the eggs makes me a bad mother 😂😂 Noted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bekindbekind · 25/12/2022 15:39

AutumnCrow · 25/12/2022 15:34

@Bekindbekind please just ignore The Xmas Argumenters and focus on the posters who are able to understand where you're coming from. Flowers

Ah don’t worry… I’ve occasionally met people whose parents waited on them hand and foot and never expected them to lift a finger. Generally they’re a pain in the arse.

To me, “parenting” includes teaching children (particularly boys) that household chores don’t do themselves and that everyone needs to contribute. In this way, should DS turn out to be straight, I hope to help him to have a much happier and healthier relationship with a future partner.

OP posts:
IllDoItButOnlyForTheAttention · 25/12/2022 15:47

I'd say there's a fine line between showing you have feelings and making kids feel guilty and responsible for your feelings, and by taking to your bed in tears on Christmas Day over some eggs, you have crossed that line.

The consequence of DS not wanting to go out for eggs is that there will be no eggs for him. It should start and end there.

Miss03852 · 25/12/2022 15:50

Calling other people in pain in the arse when you’re blaming a 12 year old for you not being able to do shopping correctly and having a crying tantrum over it. You seem like hard work.

Original poster
Bekindbekind · 25/12/2022 15:52

IllDoItButOnlyForTheAttention · 25/12/2022 15:47

I'd say there's a fine line between showing you have feelings and making kids feel guilty and responsible for your feelings, and by taking to your bed in tears on Christmas Day over some eggs, you have crossed that line.

The consequence of DS not wanting to go out for eggs is that there will be no eggs for him. It should start and end there.

I see your point exactly. I can only say that this has nothing to do with trying to make anyone responsible for my feelings. I just crashed and could no longer cope (I went to my room rather than cry in the living room).

OP posts:
Original poster
Bekindbekind · 25/12/2022 15:54

Miss03852 · 25/12/2022 15:50

Calling other people in pain in the arse when you’re blaming a 12 year old for you not being able to do shopping correctly and having a crying tantrum over it. You seem like hard work.

😂 “Not able to do shopping correctly“

The shame of it! The Mum That Ruined Christmas! She ran out of eggs! 😱

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 25/12/2022 16:02

I AM HARD WORKACUS!

fatsocatso · 25/12/2022 16:16

Sorry you're so tired and emotional today, OP. We're all allowed a meltdown sometimes and, quite frankly, I'm with you all the way about kids learning to take on some basic responsibility by the time they're 12. Especially boys. I know I'll be jumped on for that but I'll be damned if my DS is going to turn out like his father, whose mother probably still wipes his arse for him when he visits her, and seemed to think that was my job too. I can see why a 12 year old who has just opened presents wouldn't want to go to the shop but he's old enough that he should participate a bit. Hope your day has perked up since your first post.

Original poster
Bekindbekind · 25/12/2022 16:19

fatsocatso · 25/12/2022 16:16

Sorry you're so tired and emotional today, OP. We're all allowed a meltdown sometimes and, quite frankly, I'm with you all the way about kids learning to take on some basic responsibility by the time they're 12. Especially boys. I know I'll be jumped on for that but I'll be damned if my DS is going to turn out like his father, whose mother probably still wipes his arse for him when he visits her, and seemed to think that was my job too. I can see why a 12 year old who has just opened presents wouldn't want to go to the shop but he's old enough that he should participate a bit. Hope your day has perked up since your first post.

Thank you 😊 I’m feeling a lot better now. DD and I are watching tv together and DS is happily playing computer games. We’ve had a little discussion about expectations and I’ve had some useful takeaways from the comments here too. Whether I will ever learn not to push myself too hard is another matter but for now all is well chez Bekind.

OP posts:
Bobblemymind · 25/12/2022 16:20

They won’t remember all the effort you made. They will remember you spoiling Christmas by sulking in your room.

BadNomad · 25/12/2022 16:21

Why do your children not think to buy you something for Christmas? You're doing them no favours by letting them think that you don't deserve consideration. Hence, why your son is throwing a strop because you asked him to do something that he doesn't want to do. You can't raise selfish, entitled children, then complain when they are selfish.

ErrolTheDragon · 25/12/2022 16:35

Thank you 😊 I’m feeling a lot better now. DD and I are watching tv together and DS is happily playing computer games. We’ve had a little discussion about expectations and I’ve had some useful takeaways from the comments here too. Whether I will ever learn not to push myself too hard is another matter but for now all is well chez Bekind.

Good. And now please ignore the inevitable dribble of comments from people who've not bothered to RTFT or even your updates.
Hope the rest of your Xmas is happy and peaceful.

Original poster
Bekindbekind · 25/12/2022 16:35

Bobblemymind · 25/12/2022 16:20

They won’t remember all the effort you made. They will remember you spoiling Christmas by sulking in your room.

Ahhh spreading joy and goodwill here I see.

Whoever you are, I wish you well.

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 25/12/2022 16:35

Too many excuses being made for kids these days…they’re tired, he’s only 12, he’ll have to leave his presents (for all of 15 mins) etc etc. No wonder so many women get so upset.

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 25/12/2022 18:31

Awww OP, you had a mini meltdown , 100% understandable because it’s hard when there is no one to look after YOU.

I hope you are now having a lovely day.

Over the next few days I would find a moment to talk to your Ds, possibly both kids, about looking after each other, being a team and how upsetting you felt when he said no to doing something simple that would have made it easy to have a nice breakfast together. About how helping people is part of being a loving family and let’s all look after each other.

Have a lovely evening