How much effort do I need to make with *my* food?

[carsoncity]

I'm vegan and have been for a long time. My partner and I are invited to a close friend for a New Year's party. My friend is not vegan, but extremely vegan-friendly, and when I'm invited to hers she often makes something I can eat (part of). I obviously always say that I'll bring my own food etc. This is never a problem.

This time there will be a lot of her partner's friends coming and they're not as vegan-friendly. It's a pot luck event so people have been given tasks to bring the starter, the mains, drinks etc etc. My (and my partner's) duty is to bring a 3 course dinner for us. That's completely fine of course.

Now, here's my dilemma: I like cooking, and I will be cooking a lot for several Christmas occasions. We will be travelling to my friend's by public transport. It'd be a bit difficult for us to bring as fancy a 3-course meal as the other ones will be preparing (since they're preparing max one 'half course' for everyone - there are four people to every course), and my partner and I absolutely don't mind eating 'less fancy' food. But: having been vegan for many years, long before it became more common, I'm well aware that my eating 'lesser' food sometimes makes other people uncomfortable. I've had so many meals in restaurants with people where I've had very simple food - I don't mind at all, never complain or bring it up, but it is a bit tiring sometimes to hear other people going on about how sorry they feel for me, even if I state again and again that I'm fine. (This is rarely a problem nowadays.)

So what effort should we go to to make 'fancy looking' food? The added thing is that non-vegans sometimes don't appreciate that 'fancy' vegan food may not look 'fancy' to others. I don't want to make people uncomfortable, we will obviously not discuss/bring up our food choices at all - and we would be quite happy to bring some Christmas leftovers, that we think are nice. So I'm not talking 'eating plain pasta', but I'm expecting the other courses to be made up of many different parts (think masterchef light - they will want to impress!), and unless we really make an effort with cooking and transporting, ours wouldn't look like that.

What do you think is a reasonable expectation on us for such an occasion given that we don't mind, to avoid others being uncomfortable? Or are we past this now, has being vegan become common enough that we can avoid comments/discussions..? I mix in mainly veggie circles so may be a bit outdated, and would be very interested in views.

It doesn’t have to be fancy, I’d aim for a lot of colour so it looks yummy.

Thanks Noel, that's a great idea with a lot of colour! I don't 'eat with my eyes' as much as most other people so I wouldn't have thought of that :-)

You have to make and transport an entire three course meal for two, for this party your friend is ‘giving’?

Come on! Please tell me this is a joke? Stay at home and cook what you like, or order a takeaway. There’s no way I’d be going to such a ridiculous affair.

@Gruelle I like meeting up with friends, and friends of friends. The fact that I choose to eat differently than most others does not mean that I'm not interested in socialising. To me, chatting, playing games, dancing etc are the main things, what we will eat is secondary, and if I only attended events where I could eat exactly the same thing as everyone else I'd be very limited.

So it's not a ridiculous affair at all. It'd be much more ridiculous if I demanded that everyone else change their eating habits for me.

Yes, I think that having to transport a 3 course meal is the ridiculous part of this whole plan.

Unless this is 'the main event' ie Christmas lunch, I'd go for something more relaxed and adaptable. Eg tapas, mezze or Mexican, where most of it for everyone can be vegan anyway (bread, salads, falafels or corn fritters, dips, pulses, crisps etc) and the meat eaters can add marinaded meat of some sort.

Vegan is only a problem if you see it as 'special weirdy food' rather than normal food that everyone can eat and enjoy and add a bit of meat on the side if they feel they really need to, although many won't even notice it isn't there anyway.

Ah, just seen that it's a NYE party. Same applies though. Do a vegan sharing spread that can be served family style and one of the meat eaters can bring a plate of meat if they want to.

I'm really surprised to see suggestions that I should try to change the theme/plans of an event that I'm invited to as a guest! (Very often non-standard eaters are told to sort themselves out and not moan ;-) )

That won't happen. I'm invited to a party, there will be many parts of it that I can enjoy and take part in, the food just happens to be a part I cannot participate in sharing (but the social aspect I can share!).

Perhaps you’ve missed my point? I’m not saying you shouldn’t socialise - I’m saying the obligation to take your own food - all of it!, is ridiculous. I completely don’t understand the implication that vegans are some strange, novel creature who cannot be catered for by a host.

In my world, when people invite you for a meal they provide it.

Thank you for starting this thread, it has given me lots to think about . My best friend is a vegan and she tells me I am her most supportive friend. We often have them over for a vegan buffet and she appreciates the effort I go to as they don’t tend to be invited to other people’s houses vey often.
However if we are out for a lunch or if she comes to us for a curry takeaway I now realise I do say ‘is that all you are having’ and things like that. She replies she is perfectly happy with her meal. I’m not going to make such comments anymore.

Sure, but she wasn’t actually invited for a meal. She was invited to a New Year’s Eve party with pot luck food. Pot luck is everyone brings a dish, it’s very common.

Agree with PP that it’s a slightly ridiculous thing to expect you to do.

How about soup (easy to transport and heat) and an all in one dish like lentil shepherds pie? I think I’d find it a bit uncomfortable to be having to leap up and prepare every course (when other will be using the kitchen too) so I’d want something that could all be prepared ahead them just put in the oven or on the hob.

I think 'Pot Luck' entertaining is a great idea but I've never known it to be 'three course meal style'. Whenever I've attended a Pot Luck meal it's more like a great big buffet with everyone helping themselves. How does it work? Do you just put out the staters ... finish them and then get out the main course etc? .

Vegan is only a problem if you see it as 'special weirdy food' rather than normal food that everyone can eat and enjoy and add a bit of meat on the side if they feel they really need to, although many won't even notice it isn't there anyway.

I dunno; I'm omni (with a couple of medical dietary requirements), and almost nothing I eat would be easy to serve to a vegan with meat on the side for others. Nearly everything would need going through with a fine-toothed comb to identify any animal-derived ingredients and substitute vegan-friendly alternatives. Soups and gravies will be made with meat stock of some kind, and if not, the onions or other veggies might've been fried in ghee. Lots of things that could technically be made vegan taste better to omnis with animal ingredients, like refried beans made with lard, so these things would have to be made less enjoyable for everyone who isn't vegan. Things might have fish sauce or mayonnaise or an egg glaze or butter or lard; premade sauces might contain honey or other animal ingredients and I wouldn't even be conscious of it, so absolutely everything would have to be checked and that's a huge burden to put on a host. And sometimes things only taste right when the meat is cooked in with everything, so adding meat on the side wouldn't work.

I'm coeliac and know what a pain in the arse it is to identify and eliminate some ubiquitous group of ingredients that most people don't think about being in their food. I wouldn't expect someone to do that on top of the stress of planning a dinner party.

starter: crudités and houmous - fresh chopped veggies in a small tupperware container, unopened pot of houmous can go in the same container possibly with some mini pitta bread. This has the advantage of being immune to being shaken or turned sideways etc. so can just go in a backpack.

Dessert: Fruit salad (pre purchased if you like) same concept, and unopened frozen (vegan) yogurt. The frozen yogurt will be like an ice pack keeping other stuff cold and if it gets melty its nbd.

Main is harder - I think it is totally fine for your dinner to not look like other peoples dinner / or not be masterchef light but it's hard to know what access you'll have to oven hob etc when you're there. I agree with @NoelNoNoel that yummy and colourful is the way to go - Ratatouille with cooked (vegan) meatballs, the moving mountains ones are awesome, & gnocchi, that can all be in one somewhat shaken about tupperware container, just needs heating up on the night - eaten with a nice fresh bagette.

low(ish) effort to prepare and easy to transport as there's nothing that needs to be kept flat or can't withstand a bit of shaking.

Have a nice time.

A vegan tex Mex burger could work as the main with some salsa and nachos.

I'm GF and I would rather like being given "permission" in this way to opt out of the pot luck.

I would just do extra of what you're having at another meal - treat it like Boxing Day leftovers. Include something you can call a starter (pastry based/canapes/finger food). A bit of mixed salad, pickled cabbage or cheese and olives could brighten up your main course plate if you are worried, but mainly it's your Christmas too. Serve yourself whatever you want to eat, and enjoy it - that's much more important as a guest than making your plate look pretty.

I love to cook for my vegan friends - it makes me a better and more adventurous cook. I probably eat vegan (proper vegan not pretend meat) 50% of the time as a commitment to reducing my carbon footprint.

Here is what I suggest and what holds up as massive crowd pleasers (and easy to transport on public transport). It's s three course meal but I'd suggest just doing one as everyone will want to eat these.

Starter: either spicy nuts (roast nuts, then melt sugar gently in a pan, when liquid stir in a mix of salt, pepper, paprika and chilli and then coat the nuts. Cool on a sheet of grease proof - they are addictive! Or just nice bread, olives, olive oil and balsamic.

Main: Alison Roman's cumin-roasted cauliflower with tahini and pine nuts. You can make in advance and assemble at your friends but if you can have the oven space to roast (it only takes 20-30mins) it is sensational hot. I usually use pistachios as I always have those in and they are cheaper than pine nuts.

Dessert: nigella's luscious vegan gingerbread. I use less black treacle than she does but it's so lovely. I serve with coconut yogurt with orange zest and Cardamon.

I'm not vegan, but am dairy free for medical reasons so I understand about bringing my own food, and always offer to do so.

If I had to do the whole three courses I would choose soup in a flask for first course, easy to transport, no need to reheat there. I love nut roast, especially the Cranks one which freezes and reheats in the microwave well if you don't mind the breadcrumb topping losing its crunch. I'd have that with colourful veg or salad on the side and a sauce (maybe spicy tomato or a red pepper sauce). Pudding, I'd cheat. Something ready made from the supermarket and a can of Food Heaven squirty cream or Alpro custard on top. Should all fit in one sturdy bag, but make sure the sauce is in something leakproof.

I have pyrex type containers with clicklock lids which are really handy for transporting food, and with the lids off can go straight in the microwave to heat up. I stick a plate on top to avoid splashes in someone else's microwave.

Pretty sure they could make the whole pot luck vegan sides with then a meat main for them if they wish?

how strange to single you out and make you do all your own food knowing your coming on public transport

I call reverse

Thank you all for your comments - it is very interesting to see that several people think it is odd to be asked to provide your own food. I see it much more as 'I'm really glad to be invited and completely understand that a large group of people' (around 20) cannot be expected to change their food preferences to suit me'. I really don't find it strange at all and am quite surprised that many seem to find it impolite! @Wisteriaroundthedoor got it right :-)

(Although I have very strong views on the ethical and environmental aspects of eating a lot of meat and fish, it is not the place to suggest that other people change their plans when you're invited to an event.)

Some great ideas for food too, thank you for that! Soup in a flask might work really well. The dessert is actually the easiest thing, I'll be making a lot of cakes etc anyway over Christmas so I'll just save a few different pieces of that :-)

@Ragwort In my circles potlucks are often buffet type things. But this is (supposed to be ;-) ) quite a posh NY event, so it's a three course meal, there'll be a nicely laid table, seating plan, and we'll eat for several hours. The starter is probably partly cold, the people responsible for the main will put it in the oven/prepare as much as they can before we sit down for the starter, then they'll leave to finish off the prep, some people will remove the starter plates etc. Same for the dessert. The hosts may well have prepared some game/entertainment for between courses too, to give the "main people" time to prepare.

And no, it's obviously not a reverse. I'm baffled that someone finds this so strange that they would think that, it't not the first time this has happend to me :-) My friend normally makes vegan friendly or vegan food when I visit, but this is a joint occasion with many people, so she felt that it'd be difficult to ask everyone, including people she doesn't know that well, to change their plans completely - many people have strong views on NY eve being a massive event that requires many dead animals ;-)

@NoelNoNoel glad if this could be of any help to you!

I think it's fairly easy to transport three courses for two! I mean it's three Tupperware containers in a shopping bag!
However I can't see why you couldn't have brought a dish to share as others have, and have a couple other people bring vegan starter and dessert. Whenever I did one of these things we had one vegetarian and one vegetarian/celiac and everyone was happy to bring a dish they could both eat, we just chose a couple to do so (and obviously the vegetarian and celiac brought dishes they could eat) so there could be a variety for everyone. After all meat eaters can eat vegan dishes!
However, that's not the case here. But I don't see why everyone think it's such a hassle to bring a few containers. And make it as fancy or as plain as you like. I can't believe people judge what's on another persons plate!

I don't think that it's odd because I'm well used to turning up to things to find everything's been contaminated with gluten, including anything inherently safe, so the same happening for vegans is expected.

I usually do something that's automatically wheat/gluten/dairy/meat/fish free but can have allergens/animal based products added by others - so Indian or Tex-Mex would be really easy to cater for and I'd always label it. The advantage isn't just that others can see it's safe or that it might make them think of such things at their next occasion, but that the labelling can also put off people who would otherwise scarf it all down leaving nothing I could eat or contaminate it with the undesirable items.

I certainly wouldn't be embarrassed to bring something I knew I could eat - and I'd make sure it was something I'd enjoy and looks amazing because I am all about presentation as well as taste. But that could be partly because you're 'allowed' to be 'fussy' when it's a medical condition. And I don't give a shit what others think anyhow.

I really wouldn’t worry about what other people think about your food.

I do, however, also think it’s weird that your meal is being segregated like this. As a host, I would have organised for most of the food to be vegan and shareable, with just one or two meat/fish/dairy aspects. That’s how I cater generally - the meat/fish/dairy is what is served separately rather than the vegan food!

@mondaytosunday Yes, transporting three things in three boxes is easy! But it won't look as fancy as the other meals, which are likely to be something like 'a piece of meat/fish, with a sauce of some kind, with some kind of vegetable in a fancy way next to it, with a few pieces of something else next to it, with a few drops of something else liquidy' on a plate. So that was what I was thinking about - how much would it 'dampen' everyone's spirit if we bring three boxes and then maybe have one more box of something to sprinkle on it... We'll be fine, but we don't want to be pitied :-)

I don't really care what other people think generally, but I wouldn't want my friend to feel like a bad hostess (which she's not!) or other people to feel uncomfortable. I've now been reassured that it's ok for us not to make a massive effort, thank you! We'll make some effort, but won't feel like we have to spend a whole day in the kitchen (like many of them will) - there will be Christmas leftovers to build on too, and I'm definitely taking onboard the suggestion about colour :-)

Thank you all very much!

As you’ve got relatively easy starter and dessert ideas (soup and cake [I’d add some vegan custard/cream and berries]) I’d probably make a mushroom wellington for main with roasted veg (for colour) that can be reheated. Looks impressive and can be prepped well ahead of time!