How much effort do I need to make with *my* food?

[carsoncity]

I'm vegan and have been for a long time. My partner and I are invited to a close friend for a New Year's party. My friend is not vegan, but extremely vegan-friendly, and when I'm invited to hers she often makes something I can eat (part of). I obviously always say that I'll bring my own food etc. This is never a problem.

This time there will be a lot of her partner's friends coming and they're not as vegan-friendly. It's a pot luck event so people have been given tasks to bring the starter, the mains, drinks etc etc. My (and my partner's) duty is to bring a 3 course dinner for us. That's completely fine of course.

Now, here's my dilemma: I like cooking, and I will be cooking a lot for several Christmas occasions. We will be travelling to my friend's by public transport. It'd be a bit difficult for us to bring as fancy a 3-course meal as the other ones will be preparing (since they're preparing max one 'half course' for everyone - there are four people to every course), and my partner and I absolutely don't mind eating 'less fancy' food. But: having been vegan for many years, long before it became more common, I'm well aware that my eating 'lesser' food sometimes makes other people uncomfortable. I've had so many meals in restaurants with people where I've had very simple food - I don't mind at all, never complain or bring it up, but it is a bit tiring sometimes to hear other people going on about how sorry they feel for me, even if I state again and again that I'm fine. (This is rarely a problem nowadays.)

So what effort should we go to to make 'fancy looking' food? The added thing is that non-vegans sometimes don't appreciate that 'fancy' vegan food may not look 'fancy' to others. I don't want to make people uncomfortable, we will obviously not discuss/bring up our food choices at all - and we would be quite happy to bring some Christmas leftovers, that we think are nice. So I'm not talking 'eating plain pasta', but I'm expecting the other courses to be made up of many different parts (think masterchef light - they will want to impress!), and unless we really make an effort with cooking and transporting, ours wouldn't look like that.

What do you think is a reasonable expectation on us for such an occasion given that we don't mind, to avoid others being uncomfortable? Or are we past this now, has being vegan become common enough that we can avoid comments/discussions..? I mix in mainly veggie circles so may be a bit outdated, and would be very interested in views.

Like this one www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/mushroom-sweet-potato-wellington

I think that sounds utter crap. Surely it would've been better for your friend to ask you to provide a vegan starter for everybody, or some vegan sides?

If you're just cooking for yourself, it's not a pot luck.

If I was cooking just for me, I'd make exactly what I wanted to eat and not think/worry about anybody else.

I still think it's crap though.

Your attending a meal and bring your own meal? When we do pot luck everyone brings something and we all share??

Anything where you're mixing different dishes is inherently difficult though. I know coeliac is not the same as vegan but the coeliacs I know just wouldn't risk a buffet because of the risk of contamination, even if it means they just go hungry. OP's friend is doing everything right IMO.

It can sometimes be preferable to be "excluded" if you have particular dietary needs — I'm sure there are lots of lovely people who would want to make me feel included in this kind of thing and would ask guests to bring gluten-free things I could eat, and then I'd feel guilty about the extra effort people had gone to and feel pressured to eat things that I can't be sure are safe. Much less stressful to be able to opt out of the sharing.

@AtLeastThreeDrinks That's a lovely looking dish (I use bbcgoodfood a lot too!), it's just that it kind of requires quite a few extras too, you'd want some kind of potatoes (hard to bring oven baked potatoes/hard to expect to use the oven for 45ish minutes to make them there) and some kind of further vegetable with it and some sauce. Definitely doable but to me seems like dish I'd rather make at home (in advance, so just the extras to make on the day!).

@RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie and @autienotnaughty Yes, the potluck element is definitely lesser for us - it'll be potluck drinks, kind of (some people will be bringing drinks), but I can't see any other way if you don't want to impose your views on other people.

My friend may have tried hinting, there was a whatsapp group created where everyone's duties were listed, she listed our duty there too so if anyone had been thus inclined they could easily have written 'oh, I note that carson will be bringing their own stuff, why don't we make our starter vegan so they can share that' but nobody did. Judging from the respones here several others might have said that, that's really nice :-)

@FurryDandelionSeekingMissile Completely agree on that (although no medical grounds!). I'm happy to eat my good friends' food, they know exactly, but sometimes it can be uncomfortable to feel like you want to question people on what they've added to something to see if you can eat it when they've made the effort. And you feel terrible if it turns out that they added (for me) meat stock, fish sauce, gelatin etc.

Why do you need to avoid upsetting anyone else, if you and your OH are going to be eating what you bring?

The pitying comments you say you’ve received on other occasions are just rude and overinvested by the other people. Why should they be concerned about what you’re eating?

I suggest taking something you like which is practical given the whole public transport thing. Enjoy the company and activities, and your delicious food when that time comes. And if anyone has the bad manners to comment adversely on your food, just say, “this is one of my favourites, it’s delicious - would you like to try some?” And move on.

It sounds like it's going to be utter chaos. I'd be taking my food as something that can be eaten cold as the saying of too many cooks etc is almost certainly going to apply here with everyone else faffing about in a kitchen.

Presumably all the other guests are having to transport there food too?

so it’s all going to look shit and it’ll all need heating up. How will that be done?

Thank you @PuzzledObserver , we'll try to do just that! It's not nice to feel like you're removing somebody else's fun (yes, I have learnt that my eating food that people consider to be 'boring' may reduce their enjoyment of their meals unfortunately) but hopefully it's less of an issue here! Great suggestion of a phrase to keep in mind :-)

I'm struggling to understand the comments saying that it'll be a difficult thing to pull off logistically. This has been done before, in the same home, many times before, without any chaos appearing :-) It takes a bit of time but there's no rush and people are quite happy to help each other out, take turns in the kitchen etc, removing plates, filling the dishwasher etc. So there are no worries about that at all!

@carsoncity It's not nice to feel like you're removing somebody else's fun (yes, I have learnt that my eating food that people consider to be 'boring' may reduce their enjoyment of their meals unfortunately)

I understand where you’re coming from - but you know, it really isn’t your responsibility to ensure everyone else is having fun. Even if it was, there is no rational reason for their fun to be impacted by you eating something which they consider boring. I suggest that’s their issue and you don’t give it the time of day, because it’s ridiculous.

@FurryDandelionSeekingMissile
Definitely with allergies/conditions. My ds has several food allergies so I prefer to take food. I just feel they could have got someone to do a vegan starter and then ask op to do main? They are essentially being excluded. Although I appreciate some people find dietary requirements confusing. The amount of people who couldn't understand how my son could be allergic to dairy and still eat eggs??

[[http://Some ideas
www.madeleineolivia.co.uk/blog/vegan-cream-of-broccoli-soup]]

https://minimalistbaker.com/sun-dried-tomato-basil-arancini-vegan/

https://www.greatbritishchefs.com/recipes/smoked-aubergine-recipe

https://www.madeleineolivia.co.uk/blog/vegan-nutella-cheesecake

https://www.greatbritishchefs.com/recipes/vegan-coconut-mousse-recipe

Other nice recipes here

https://www.greatbritishchefs.com/collections/vegan-dinner-party-recipes

Ah yes, understood on the sides for the wellington although that is what’ll make it look fancy! If you just want a one-pot dish I’d probably go with a vegan chilli or curry and just dress it up a bit with chopped coriander / nuts / sambal on top to make it look prettier.

Thank you all for feedback and great suggestions including recipe suggestions - I really appreciate you taking the time! Will think of something nice-ish to prepare, including lots of colour :-)

@PuzzledObserver Thanks for your kind comments! I know it shouldn't be my problem that others by my eating or not (or what I eat!) but it can be a fine balance. A long time ago a good friend of mine together with some of her friends (not my friends) organised a party with a particular food related theme, and didn't invite me, since I couldn't eat the food anyway. I couldn't, so in a way I understood the thinking, space requirements etc - but it still hurt a bit. So I do my best to fit in as much as I can and not 'stand out'!

@autienotnaughty It would have been great with a shared starter :-) I just don't think this group of people are very used to vegan food, or even vegetarian food, so think it might feel very odd to them! (And I don't think I'd have been comfortable being responsible for a posh main meal for loads of non-vegans for NY - they will expect good food well presented - I'm good at cooking Indian dishes for example (but not very good at making it look fabulous) - that wouldn't have cut it as NY eve 'posh' food to them though :-)

Thanks again all :-) Really great to get some thoughts.