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Original poster

DH convinced I'm having an affair

48 replies

Andjustlikethatihad2023 · 21/12/2022 04:13

I'm not but im extremely pissed off with keep having To defend myself.

We've been together for 10 years, have 1 ds and zero sex or intimacy for over 2 years.

Since we've been together I've never even had a night out without him, not even once until this summer when I dared go out around tea time for the first time ever. I felt such relief that my ds was ok without me etc it was such a lovely evening. Since then I've started seeing friends a bit more regularly and been out for drinks 4 times. He's now convinced I'm having an affair when I'm really not. He's accused me of all sorts, called me a slag etc. it's been horrific. Every time we talk about it we just argue.

He's been out a couple of times and comes in way more drunk than I ever have. He hasn't even been able to get himself in bed but I've not accused him of anything.
This week was the final straw for me as he actually went to the pub the next day checking up what time they closed so see if I was lying!! It's embarrassing! He's even asked to go throw my phone but I've refused on the grounds I feel like my privacy is being invaded. I have nothing to hide but I'd hate the thought of anyone looking at my phone and messages I've sent to friends (some are me opening up about how trapped and fed up I am)

What can I do? I'm totally fed up and he's making me feel I'm not allowed to go out or have any friends.

OP posts:
Valhalla17 · 21/12/2022 04:15

Why no sex or intimacy for 2yrs? Could that be driving his suspicion...

Flaunch · 21/12/2022 04:26

That’s no way to live.

Weatherwax13 · 21/12/2022 04:28

It's abusive and controlling behaviour. He has no right to control you - regardless of your sex life or anything else.
I'd consider your options OP. Experience has taught me that blokes like this only become nastier.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Anotherbloomingchristmas · 21/12/2022 04:32

Don’t defend yourself.
Tell him he can believe what he wants because he is the one with the problem not you.
And then think about the life you really want and get yourself out of this controlling relationship.

Outtasteamandluck · 21/12/2022 04:34

Valhalla17 · 21/12/2022 04:15

Why no sex or intimacy for 2yrs? Could that be driving his suspicion...

Errrr that's absolutely no reason to behave in the way that he does. He doesn't get to call her a 'slag' because there's no sex.

He sounds like an abusive / controlling bell end.

OP my ex was the same & he was the one cheating. Repeatedly. For many years. Whilst accusing me and calling me horrible names too. Gaslighting etc. You get the picture. I'm not saying your H is but something to think about.

You should definitely think about leaving him. (I'm sure you have). The no sex for 2 years is obviously symptomatic of a much bigger problem.

It's time to end it.

Valhalla17 · 21/12/2022 04:38

Outtasteamandluck · 21/12/2022 04:34

Errrr that's absolutely no reason to behave in the way that he does. He doesn't get to call her a 'slag' because there's no sex.

He sounds like an abusive / controlling bell end.

OP my ex was the same & he was the one cheating. Repeatedly. For many years. Whilst accusing me and calling me horrible names too. Gaslighting etc. You get the picture. I'm not saying your H is but something to think about.

You should definitely think about leaving him. (I'm sure you have). The no sex for 2 years is obviously symptomatic of a much bigger problem.

It's time to end it.

Show quote history

I didn't say it was. I was simply asking a question ffs!

Peoniesandcream · 21/12/2022 04:48

If it were the other way round typical MNers would be saying "trust your gut", "get on his phone" etc. But the truth is, although you're not having sex and suddenly going out more, doesn't mean you're having an affair. Can you try and build more intimacy, do you know the reasons behind the lack of sex etc? Communicate and maybe try counselling.

Sugargliderwombat · 21/12/2022 04:51

How depressing the first response blames you for him being controlling and calling you a slag 🥴. Please don't ever think this makes it OK (and don't sleep with him.).

DuchessDandelion · 21/12/2022 04:52

Weatherwax13 · 21/12/2022 04:28

It's abusive and controlling behaviour. He has no right to control you - regardless of your sex life or anything else.
I'd consider your options OP. Experience has taught me that blokes like this only become nastier.

Absolutely this. In bold.

Time to open your eyes, op Flowers

Sugargliderwombat · 21/12/2022 04:53

Peoniesandcream · 21/12/2022 04:48

If it were the other way round typical MNers would be saying "trust your gut", "get on his phone" etc. But the truth is, although you're not having sex and suddenly going out more, doesn't mean you're having an affair. Can you try and build more intimacy, do you know the reasons behind the lack of sex etc? Communicate and maybe try counselling.

Build more intimacy with someone that calls her a slag for going out with friends?

DuchessDandelion · 21/12/2022 04:55

And to all those trying to find reasons for his suspicion...Did you miss the bit where she states in the whole course of a 10 year relationship she didn't have ONE night without him?

And his response to her daring to not be by his side for a few hours is to be verbally abusive?

Come on MNetters - you know better than this. Red flag city.

GoodnightJude1 · 21/12/2022 05:09

OP….in the nicest possible way, get out. NOW.

My Ex (DD1 dad) used to be exactly the same. He did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted….if I dared go out with a friend for 1 evening I’d be questioned for days/weeks after. Accused of everything under the sun (when I’d done nothing) he’d take my phone and read all my messages. Send messages from my phone to friends cancelling plans. He’d time how long it took me to get back from work. Then I wasn’t allowed to see my family. He locked me in the house (with DD1) and took the key so I couldn’t go to baby group (apparently I was having an affair with one of the dads there 🤷‍♀️) My life was completely controlled and I was accused of cheating daily.

Turns out HE was the cheat. He’d been cheating on me throughout my whole pregnancy and obviously decided that accusing me of cheating would quash any suspicions I had about him.

I took DD1 and left and have since had a wonderful life with a man that trusts me and loves me and I can’t ever imagine being yesterday like that again.
Ex, however is still with the gremlin he cheated on me with and they are both miserable as sin and he regularly cheats on her and has ALWAYS accused her of cheating.

Get out while you can and enjoy YOUR life.

GoodnightJude1 · 21/12/2022 05:11

Oh and completely ignore the first comment left. You are in no way accountable for his actions. Why would you want to be intimate with someone that treats you this way??? 💐

musingsinmidlife · 21/12/2022 05:11

Why haven’t you been going out all along? You would plan it and he would physically stop you or threaten you or when did you stop going out?

how old is your DC?

Valhalla17 · 21/12/2022 05:18

GoodnightJude1 · 21/12/2022 05:11

Oh and completely ignore the first comment left. You are in no way accountable for his actions. Why would you want to be intimate with someone that treats you this way??? 💐

I think some of you need to go to bed, because your reading and comprehension skills are severely lacking.

At no point did I say that OP was accountable. I was merely asking a question as to why there hadn't been intimacy. Simple question. No idea why I'm being attacked on this thread for asking a follow up fucking question 🙄

OP, I was in an abusive and violent relationship. It sounded quite like this and he would not let me go out and even tried to stop me returning to work after mat leave, despite it being me paying all the bills! He couldn't stand the fact that I was smart and had some independence that I was desperate to cling onto. When I went back to work he would accuse me all the time of having an affair.

What I find is that people often judge you by their own standards....they are usually the ones having the affair. I found that to be the case and made my escape plan with my baby ds at the time. I suggest you do the same.

Blueskiepoles · 21/12/2022 06:04

Many years ago I was engaged to be married to a lovely guy. Wedding arranged and making plans for the future. I was still living at home with my parents. I worked in a hospital a 5 min drive from home and if my shift finished at 10pm my dad would come and drive me home as the bus service was poor. My lovely fiancée who lived a 25 min drive away started to insist on collecting me from late shifts and driving me home.

At first his behaviour appeared rather sweet till it insidiously became controlling and abusive. He began to question me about my friends and colleagues and suggested I would have probably gone to the pub with them if he hadn’t dropped me home. He wouldn’t believe me.

We went everywhere together and never with friends. He told me we had each other and didn’t need anyone else. Then one evening we did go out with a group of my colleagues for a meal for someone’s leaving party. When we left he accused me of flirting with other men when I should have been giving him my undivided attention. That was the first time he’d really shown his true colours and it went from bad to worse. Nothing I said would convince him his accusations were totally unfounded. I cancelled the wedding and dumped him.

Years later I opened the local newspaper to see my ex fiancé’s photo. He was now married to someone else. He’d continued his abusive and controlling behaviour and he’d just been jailed for attempting to murder her.

Andjustlikethatihad2023 you’ve asked “what can I do? As someone who’s been there I suggest you need to cut yourself free from him. His behaviour isn’t going to improve. From experience I’d say it’s only going to get worse. And it’s just a matter of time till your child picks up on his behaviour and thinks it’s normal for his mum to be abused in this way. Let’s not beat about the bush here. Even if he hasn’t laid a finger on you this is abuse.

Outtasteamandluck · 21/12/2022 06:59

@Valhalla17 I think it's because out of all the information OP gave, you decided to focus on the lack of intimacy. It's quite clear from reading the post the reasons why sex is not happening. So it was very odd that you chose to focus on it and not the very toxic nature of their relationship.
Hence all the responses.

Original poster
Andjustlikethatihad2023 · 21/12/2022 09:35

Wow these responses have really hit home and made me so emotional.
He's told our neighbours and my family his suspicions too so I have others questioning me and I'm constantly defending myself which is draining the life out of me.
My closest friend and my mum thinks he's the only up to no good which is why he's blaming me and accusing me.

He too (like another poster) thinks I've met someone at a baby group 🙈🙈😩 which is absolutely NOT true. He watches me on the ring doorbell to see how long I've been out and think I must be shagging someone in the day too but I'm just nipping here and there. Shops or park etc. it's painful

OP posts:
DuchessDandelion · 21/12/2022 12:44

@Andjustlikethatihad2023 oh love I'm sorry you're subjected to all this.

The next step for you is to have a look at the sites for Refuge and Womens Aid, where you'll find lots of information about control and abusive relationships.

I suspect once you start looking back on your relationship, you'll notice lots of other things too which also fall under these umbrellas.

Refuge and Womens Aid also contain lots of guidance and support on protecting yourself, leaving the relationship safely and moving on. I prefer the Refuge website tbh and it doesn't get much attention here so do take the time to have a look.

Refuge website has a "close immediately" button on each page so if you need to shut it down instantly from your browser you can do.

Give yourself time to get your head around things a bit and while you'll have lots of posts urging you to LTB, remember that what happens next is in your control and its your choice what you decide to.

Be extra kind to yourself this Christmas and keep posting for any support.

DuringDuran · 21/12/2022 12:53

It is also possible that he is shaming you as a way to coerce you into staying home and / or preventing you from having fun since he is not have fun himself.

whattodo1975 · 21/12/2022 12:56

Peoniesandcream · 21/12/2022 04:48

If it were the other way round typical MNers would be saying "trust your gut", "get on his phone" etc. But the truth is, although you're not having sex and suddenly going out more, doesn't mean you're having an affair. Can you try and build more intimacy, do you know the reasons behind the lack of sex etc? Communicate and maybe try counselling.

Turn up to the pub to see if he’s actually where he says he is would also be the advice given.

JuneOsborne · 21/12/2022 12:59

This won't resolve or get any better. You have to decide if you can live like this. I mean, I have no idea why you would want to live like this, but some people do seem to tolerate this shit for way longer than I would.

He is calling you names, he's accusing you, he's controlling you, he's spying on you and he's got other people to do the same to you. I mean, think about that. Is that what somebody who really loves and respects you does? No. Which means he doesn't love or respect you.

This will only get worse. You're in control of your life, even if it feels like you're not. You have the power to make this stop. You have the power to live a life of your choosing.

Make your mind up what you want your life to look like and make it happen.

TheVolturi · 21/12/2022 13:07

This is coercive and controlling behaviour. I have been in this same situation for best part of 20 years. Finally had enough. Dh has been tracking my phone, spying on me with cameras and accusing me of sleeping with my female friend. I spoke to police yesterday and they want to arrest him. I have no control over my own money he has the passwords to my online banking. I have no idea how its taken me this long to wake up and see it but I finally have.
Do not waste your life op.

Oher · 21/12/2022 13:10

You can’t live like this OP. Stop questioning your own behaviour and look at his.

This is emotional abuse. He’s a controlling abuser. The relationship is already dead, the only question is how long you stay living with him before you accept that it’s over.

Get your finances sorted and make a plan to eventually leave. In the meantime make sure he does not cut you off and alienate you from your family and friends, he will try very hard to do that, it’s a classic tactic to control you and make you dependent on him.

Speak to Women’s Aid.

Checkedtowel · 21/12/2022 13:15

I'd say he's just as unhappy in the relationship as you are and this is his exit strategy. He's hoping you are having an affair because then the marriage breakdown can be all your fault. He's probably having or thinking of having an affair himself and this way, that will be your fault too.