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Original poster

DH convinced I'm having an affair

48 replies

Andjustlikethatihad2023 · 21/12/2022 04:13

I'm not but im extremely pissed off with keep having To defend myself.

We've been together for 10 years, have 1 ds and zero sex or intimacy for over 2 years.

Since we've been together I've never even had a night out without him, not even once until this summer when I dared go out around tea time for the first time ever. I felt such relief that my ds was ok without me etc it was such a lovely evening. Since then I've started seeing friends a bit more regularly and been out for drinks 4 times. He's now convinced I'm having an affair when I'm really not. He's accused me of all sorts, called me a slag etc. it's been horrific. Every time we talk about it we just argue.

He's been out a couple of times and comes in way more drunk than I ever have. He hasn't even been able to get himself in bed but I've not accused him of anything.
This week was the final straw for me as he actually went to the pub the next day checking up what time they closed so see if I was lying!! It's embarrassing! He's even asked to go throw my phone but I've refused on the grounds I feel like my privacy is being invaded. I have nothing to hide but I'd hate the thought of anyone looking at my phone and messages I've sent to friends (some are me opening up about how trapped and fed up I am)

What can I do? I'm totally fed up and he's making me feel I'm not allowed to go out or have any friends.

OP posts:

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 21/12/2022 13:28

It won't get any better ime.
Sorry for the tmi below but relevant I think..
After the death of her dm (my dgm) my aunt asked i go to a religious retreat abroad - as her carer not a holiday at all.
Dh had never really parented our dc but reluctantly agreed to have the dc along with my dm.. I was a sahm and never went out either without dc in tow - not even the corner shop.
He refused to pick me from the airport. My friend did. She came in for a cuppa before her drive home. Dh tipped my cases out to check my pants for evidence I had been cheating. I was mortified. As was my friend. That same friend saved my life months later by sending police when she heard him trying to attack me whilst on the phone to her. His unjustified jealousy was out of control. I filed for divorce the next day. You need to ensure your safety op.

Chikapu · 21/12/2022 13:32

Get rid of this shitty, shitty man.

Facecream · 21/12/2022 13:39

Absolute bastard! It is coercive control.
Id be placing a call to Women’s Aid and to the police OP

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Relationship problems

DarkShade · 21/12/2022 13:44

This is no way to live OP. Is there any reason that you want to stay in the relationship? If there is, you need to make clear that if he ever accused you either to you or to friends and neighbours, you are leaving. If there isn't - and with this level of control and no intimacy, it sounds like there isn't - just leave.

It sounds to me like he is cheating and is looking to not be the bad guy. He's doing this by convincing others you're cheating or maybe by trying to drive you away. Rise above it, it sounds like you would be well rid.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 21/12/2022 13:49

DuchessDandelion · 21/12/2022 04:52

Absolutely this. In bold.

Time to open your eyes, op

Show quote history

Completely agree. My violent ex accused me of being a "fat, cheating slag" if I so much as went to the shop, with my bag (no idea why he was so fixated on my bag).

He has NO right to call you a slag. Nobody does. Ever.

He's absolutely disgusting. I've known too many men like this and they NEVER change. Don't even think about "reintroducing intimacy" as one misguided PP suggested - none of this is your fault. None of it.

Sartre · 21/12/2022 13:55

I’d be suspicious if DH and I hadn’t had sex for two years and he suddenly started going out drinking after years of not bothering personally. I think if you posted this about your DH- DH and I haven’t been intimate for two years. He hasn’t been out with friends for years but is now suddenly going out drinking regularly, I think he’s cheating. Then people on here would agree with you that his behaviour was suspicious.

He isn’t going about things the right way obviously but I can completely understand why he’s suspicious. Your issue is the lack of intimacy, if you were going out with friends but that side of your relationship was fine I don’t think he’d be like this. Lack of sex is a real killer in any relationship.

Christmasnero · 21/12/2022 13:59

You haven’t been out for 10 years and now suddenly you’re going out regularly
and you don’t have any intimacy at all in your relationship?
i can see his point to be fair and in his shoes I may have a suspicion

however he sounds vile in how he’s managing it and that would be unforgivable for me. I cant imagine dh calling me a slag. Or tracking my movements or telling other people I’m cheating on him. I think the relationship is dead in the water, even if you fixed this you’ve got the intimacy issue which I don’t think I cba working on with a man that calls me a slag
i do think MN is quick to call abuse but this is certainly abusive behaviour, is he unkind to you in other ways?

ChristmasRoses · 21/12/2022 14:03

My ex told the neighbours that I was having an affair. Imagine their surprise when he left me for another woman and they found that I was very much alone. Are you sure he's not projecting his own behaviour onto you?

pinneddownbytabbies · 21/12/2022 14:03

Nothing you say or do is going to allay his unreasonable suspicions and lack of trust, so just stop bothering. It is a waste of time.

This sort of controlling behaviour is abusive, and perhaps something you need to think about is whether you want to stay in this relationship any longer.

gamerchick · 21/12/2022 14:06

What can I do?

You tell him you're not going to tolerate this environment for yourself or offspring and if he doesnt trust you then you both need to see what splitting up looks like. Enough is enough.

Mojoj · 21/12/2022 14:11

Start making plans to leave. This will only get worse. Good luck.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/12/2022 14:14

The only thing you can do with a controlling abuser is leave. It will never be enough for him.

Bluetrews25 · 21/12/2022 14:14

This is coercive control

Men who accuse women of affairs are doing it to take the attention off them, as they are cheating.

MincepiesforRudolph · 21/12/2022 14:17

I'd put money on the fact he's projecting his own behaviour onto you.

cansu · 21/12/2022 14:20

I think you should tell him very clearly that you are not having an affair but that you do intend to carry on socialising and enjoying your life by seeing friends. If he is unhappy about this he is free to leave you. Ultimately you are an adult and are free to do what you want. I would be starting to think about the future though.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 21/12/2022 14:21

Please leave this vile man.

He is almost certainly having an affair.

Ex H did the same accusation to me, along with the control. Moved his gf in with him as soon as I left to get away, and dumped all my furniture on the front lawn in full view, like I was the guilty one and "shaming" me.

These men are shits and it will get worse.

Please contact WA and get away.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/12/2022 14:25

What can you do?!?

It's actually really really scary for me op that there are women who think like this.

You can divorce him, and should have done a long long time ago.

Why have you not, and why have you never even thought of it?

ArcticSkewer · 21/12/2022 14:31

Projection or coercive control. Either way, get rid. If you look for evidence he is cheating you will probably find it

notnormal86 · 21/12/2022 14:38

i had this from my ex found out he was the one doing its sometimes
He who blames is the one that is doing it .

euff · 21/12/2022 15:40

Like pp's said it makes me think he's cheating. His behaviour isn't acceptable. Do you want to stay with him?

dontgobaconmyheart · 21/12/2022 15:50

It sounds as though its him that's draining the life out of you OP. Him telling his 'suspicions' to other people is disgusting and an attempt to publically shame you, that isn't love. Neither is surveilling you on the Ring doorbell. I'd have ripped it from the door and moved out to my mum's.

Whilst it is very often a deflection when people accuse others of cheating, when they actually are themselves, in this case I'm not sure that matters because he's abusive and you deserve to exist in peace without the trauma of his behaviour on your back all waking hours. I can't believe there are people who think that the fact you've not had sex with him in a while and have the audacity to leave the house equates to a share of the blame. You don't owe him intimacy or anything else.

fantasmasgoria1 · 21/12/2022 17:59

You have to end this. My exh would do this and sometimes keep me awake all night accusing me. Every time I started to fall asleep he would shake me very hard and say you bitch tell me who he is. Mind you he was abusive in every way you could imagine which is what your husband will end up being like.

sazzaz1980 · 08/02/2023 16:24

I would really struggle to live like this. He clearly doesn’t trust you, and has been well out of order sharing his opinion with others. I would leave him.

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