Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How would you feel if your parent said this?

38 replies

MsMiaWallace · 20/12/2022 21:42

Not seen dad for a long time. To cut a long story short he's been a complete let down to me & his grandchildren. He's our only family.
On the phone whilst we were having a quick catch up he said to me 'I've got to go as I don't want the butter to melt too much into my crumpet...'

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 20/12/2022 21:44

Charming

Dacadactyl · 20/12/2022 21:45

If my dad said it I'd just think 😂🙄and not dwell on it.

But in your shoes I would be hurt because it sounds like you were catching up for the first time in a while. Was he around when you were growing up?

Original poster
MsMiaWallace · 20/12/2022 21:48

My parents separated when I was 12/13.
He didn't make contact.
I found him when I was 18.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 20/12/2022 21:50

You are right to be hurt and I am sorry that he is acting this way towards you. It is not right.

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 21:50

MsMiaWallace · 20/12/2022 21:48

My parents separated when I was 12/13.
He didn't make contact.
I found him when I was 18.

Does he add anything to your life other than renewed rejection and anguish?

Original poster
MsMiaWallace · 20/12/2022 21:56

No I suppose not.

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 21:59

Then give yourself permissions to let him go. You've tried. You're not the vulnerable little girl he abandoned anymore. It might feel like you need him, but you don't. You are allowed to accept that he's never going to be the dad that you wanted and to just distance yourself rather than subject yourself to further disappointment.

FruHagen · 20/12/2022 22:00

Terribly disappointing for you. Not what a parent should be like. Sorry this was what you have had to deal with.

Maybe look at going very low contact to protect yourself from this - not him running off because of crumpets but because he thought that was more important than you.

Some people just don't deserve children.

Original poster
MsMiaWallace · 20/12/2022 22:22

Last conversation I told him of some bad news involving my 2 year old's health. He said oh you've made me feel all depressed now.
No support offered, empathy, nothing.
Then ended conversation with 'enjoy your day off then'.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 20/12/2022 22:24

Fair enough. It was an inconvenient time to call.

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 22:25

MsMiaWallace · 20/12/2022 22:22

Last conversation I told him of some bad news involving my 2 year old's health. He said oh you've made me feel all depressed now.
No support offered, empathy, nothing.
Then ended conversation with 'enjoy your day off then'.

He's heartless. Sounds like a narcissist honestly.

Bestcatmum · 20/12/2022 22:29

I've long given up on my parents OP. Mother only cares about her family with my stepfather and abandoned me. Never knew father.
I got a photo from them today and was just glad I wasn't with them for Xmas and live hundreds of miles away.
I've made my own life anew with friends who really care about me.

SirenSays · 20/12/2022 22:33

If he never adds anything positive to your life, maybe he shouldnt be in it.
That being said that's probably more than I'd get out of my dad on the phone. It's much easier to talk to him face to face.

Suzi888 · 20/12/2022 22:35

MsMiaWallace · 20/12/2022 22:22

Last conversation I told him of some bad news involving my 2 year old's health. He said oh you've made me feel all depressed now.
No support offered, empathy, nothing.
Then ended conversation with 'enjoy your day off then'.

Your opening post, I’d have laughed.

However your updates and back story - I’m so sorry but your dad is unbelievably self centred and selfish. The conversation you had with him about your two year old is shocking, I would cut him off/distance myself and tell him “so I don’t depress you”.

I don’t believe in the saying ‘blood is thicker than water”. He doesn’t deserve you or your child in his life- his loss.

Hope your little one will be ok 💐

Catterpillarwithconverse · 20/12/2022 22:37

I would think he was very set in his ways and doesn't know how to interact with people properly or think of others.

This is a reflection of him not you.

RosesAndHellebores · 20/12/2022 22:41

There's nothing I'd like better than my dad telling me he had to go before the butter melted on his crumpet. To be fair he'd have let the crumpet go cold, carried on talking to me and made another crumpet afterwards. Crumpet schmumpet - I can hear him say it now.

Let go of him OP, you're worth more - it took me years to realise that about my mother.

IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready · 20/12/2022 22:41

Your dad wasn't a dad for several years. He isn't going to be one now. Nor a grandad. Sorry. You could either accept that he's never going to be the dad and grandad you'd hoped for, or cut your losses.

You say he's your only family. Mum? Siblings? In-laws?

I hope you've got friends/neighbours/workmates in your life. x

MyBooksAndMyCats · 20/12/2022 22:45

Does he have some kind of autism or something? Just seems like strange things to say.

givethistokevin · 20/12/2022 22:46

MyBooksAndMyCats · 20/12/2022 22:45

Does he have some kind of autism or something? Just seems like strange things to say.

Fucking hell.

'Some kind of autism' Confused

ohyouknowwhatshername · 20/12/2022 22:57

Oh dear OP I understand how you feel. Both my parents are like this - they are not interested. In the past if I've tried to tell them about something difficult they've reacted in a similar way to your dad. They made no attempt to help me. I feel like I'm a hindrance to them so now I just leave them alone. After years of being depressed, I started to get my life together. I phoned my mum and told her about what I had been doing, thinking she'd be happy for me. I was met with, "well, why should I care?" It's very sad but sometimes you have to accept that your parents aren't the people you want them to be.

Geppili · 20/12/2022 22:59

I would feel that his needs always come first.

UsingChangeofName · 20/12/2022 23:04

From your opening post, I'd have laughed, and I'd have assumed it wasn't a great time for a chat.

The added detail later suggests that you think there probably ought to be a deep and loving relationship there because he is biologically your Dad, but I don't think you can just magic that up, when he hasn't acted in that way all your life. You need to build a relationship like that over a long time.

Mentalpiece · 20/12/2022 23:06

MyBooksAndMyCats · 20/12/2022 22:45

Does he have some kind of autism or something? Just seems like strange things to say.

Don't be silly. He's self centered and the op would do well to leave him to his buttered crumpets permanently.
Any decent father would have either made some more after the call or asked if she minded if he ate them while they chatted.
He would also be concerned for his grandchildrens wellbeing.

AgathaMystery · 20/12/2022 23:06

He has shown himself to be absolutely incapable of being the parent you needed and need. I’m so sorry.

laurwalsh · 20/12/2022 23:10

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 21:59

Then give yourself permissions to let him go. You've tried. You're not the vulnerable little girl he abandoned anymore. It might feel like you need him, but you don't. You are allowed to accept that he's never going to be the dad that you wanted and to just distance yourself rather than subject yourself to further disappointment.

I love this and really love that validation around making the decision to distance yourself from parents who hurt and trigger you is so strong genuine and supportive on MN. It's taken me 39 years to get there and it's so hard and so easy to doubt yourself. And find such comfort from MN around this topic. And realising so many other people go through this.