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Original poster

How would you feel if your parent said this?

38 replies

MsMiaWallace · 20/12/2022 21:42

Not seen dad for a long time. To cut a long story short he's been a complete let down to me & his grandchildren. He's our only family.
On the phone whilst we were having a quick catch up he said to me 'I've got to go as I don't want the butter to melt too much into my crumpet...'

OP posts:

laurwalsh · 20/12/2022 23:16

I remember after being so utterly hurt from my dad and having little contact for a year I called over to him with my 3 month old baby over Christmas and after 30 mins he and my step mum were basically ending the visit because he had arranged to visit some pianist who they just wanted to visit because he was 'famous' and it that was more important than the fact I was over for the first time in 8 months with his grandson. And that's just one example. I feel your pain and hurt. It only gets easier when you accept they're selfish narcs and will never be the caring dad you wish you had.

Sceptre86 · 21/12/2022 06:10

He isn't interested op, he doesn't care about you in the way that you want. You are looking for something that isn't there and never will be. He isn't and can't be the type of dad you want. In fact he isn't worthy of the title. It's hard for people in your situation, I've witnessed it with my cousin but you need to let him go and focus on your own nuclear family. You've clearly got a lot on your plate and I hope you've got people in real life you can rely on. Break the cycle, block his number and move on

Blowyourowntrumpet · 21/12/2022 06:12

If he's very elderly, I'd cut him some slack. My mum's like this now, she's in her 80s and it's a recent thing.

Original poster

MsMiaWallace · 21/12/2022 07:39

Thanks for replies. No he's not elderly. He's in his 60s & very able.
I got a cheap crap Christmas card through the post yesterday to us all written by his partner.
He only lives 10 mins away & is retired.
It obviously suggests there is no interest in seeing the children over Christmas.

I'm finding it difficult not to snap & send a text.

OP posts:

stairgates · 21/12/2022 07:51

I think he feels he raised you and that chapter of his life is finished. Don't waste your time on him anymore he knows where you are if he changes sadly

Minimalme · 21/12/2022 08:00

I'm going to get tough op. Brace yourself.

He showed he didn't care when he dumped you at 13.

He showed you he didn't care when he left it up to you to restart contact.

He showed you he didn't care when he made your child's illness all about him.

He showed he didn't care when he made an excuse to get off the phone.

I am so sorry you don't have other family. He is not nearly good enough to have a dd and dgc.

Don't send a text just mentally shelve him and if you can, get some therapy.

Some parents are utter shit (speaking from experience)

Wibbly1008 · 21/12/2022 08:01

Cut him off. Don’t keep feeling second and having this pushed in your face. When he is alone on his death bed he can contemplate why. You sadly can’t make people love you. Sending you hugs OP!

mistermagpie · 21/12/2022 08:06

Don't send a text. I'm NC with my parent for nearly a decade but prior to that there was lots of 'I snapped and sent a text' kinds of stuff from me after they had behaved appallingly and I ALWAYS regretted it. It somehow gives them the upper hand to know that they've upset you.

The fact is you could text him anything at all and he wouldn't care, he's already proved that in all the big ways and in the little ones which are about crumpets.

It's very freeing to walk away from a relationship that makes you feel more sad than happy. You owe him nothing, let yourself give up on him.

rattlemehearties · 21/12/2022 08:18

Minimalme · 21/12/2022 08:00

I'm going to get tough op. Brace yourself.

He showed he didn't care when he dumped you at 13.

He showed you he didn't care when he left it up to you to restart contact.

He showed you he didn't care when he made your child's illness all about him.

He showed he didn't care when he made an excuse to get off the phone.

I am so sorry you don't have other family. He is not nearly good enough to have a dd and dgc.

Don't send a text just mentally shelve him and if you can, get some therapy.

Some parents are utter shit (speaking from experience)

Yes exactly. And OP is basically rewarding his bad behaviour by sticking around and staying in contact with him regardless!

Just stop. No need to add drama by telling him. Just stop getting in touch.

laurwalsh · 21/12/2022 10:21

mistermagpie · 21/12/2022 08:06

The fact is you could text him anything at all and he wouldn't care, he's already proved that in all the big ways and in the little ones which are about crumpets.

It's very freeing to walk away from a relationship that makes you feel more sad than happy. You owe him nothing, let yourself give up on him.

Love this

Original poster

MsMiaWallace · 23/12/2022 10:30

He's sent a text today asking if I'm going around for a coffee to pick up presents for kids or is he coming to me to drop them off....
no mention of seeing us over Xmas before now the day before Xmas Eve.
I'm peed off again as I don't know what to do. I don't want to see him as I'm angry.
Should I just ignore text??

OP posts:

lightswitchon · 23/12/2022 11:02

I 'd say this. Just take him as he is. Don't compare him to a version of a hypothetical great dad you've imagined or seen on the tv. He is this person. You either accept him as he is or decide it's not worth the effort.
My own dad is very odd, and to be honest the crumpet remark would be a complete non issue for me, but I know he loves me and I have never questioned that. I have never considered him as someone to get emotional support from though, he's not capable of that, so it's useless wishing for it.
I think you are still understandably in difficulty over his abandonment while you were young, but if you wish him to be in your life, accept him as he is. Otherwise you will continually feel let down, and unworthy. He is not a pillar in your life, so don't let him rock or unsteady you. He could be a part of your structure, but not weight bearing.

Toomanysleepycats · 23/12/2022 11:24

Don’t make a decision until you feel calmer. Just for now try and put the issue of the presents to one side. It can wait til tomorrow.

Some things help after having a nights sleep. I read it’s something to do with the way the brain processes/stores recent memories, that some of the emotion gets dissipated.

I agree with most people that your father isn’t worth caring about. I had one of these. Disappeared when I was five, I got back in contact when I was 17. There was no feeling on his side. He died before I was 30, so he only fucked up the early part of my life.

Make sure if you do stay in contact (hope not) that he doesn’t think you’ll be around to look after him in his old age. That’s probably the only time he’ll start thinking being a dad means something.

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