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Original poster

I think I've messed up a finely balanced situation

34 replies

SnowStupid · 18/12/2022 08:53

And I fear the only thing I can do about it is nothing.

A long standing male friend. We both became single at the same time c. 18 months ago so have spent more time together just because it's been convenient really. We've both had more time to fill. We've had fun, but only as friends.

Until a few weeks ago. He kissed me after a very drunken night out. That has never been mentioned since, but we've been out again and it was starting to feel a bit more "coupley".

We were out last night with other friends and he was polite but distant. He didn't exactly blank me, but he was so different to how he usually is I was worried that something was wrong and having had a bit to drink, I probably went on about it mentioned it a bit too much. He even refused to dance with me and he's usually a very enthusiastic dancer. I don't know what's changed. I feel that I was the very opposite of cool and probably even came across as desperate.

The daft thing is, I don't care if "we" don't go anywhere. He's a fun friend, but probably not partner material for me anyway. I do really value and enjoy his friendship though

Anway, instead of doing the sensible thing and leaving things be, I messaged him when I got home. Just asked him what was going on and said I hope we're OK. He replied he had a lot on his mind, we'll catch up soon. I fully expect not to hear from him.

But I can't contact him for the promised "catch up" can I? I'd really just like a conversation where we can agree things went a bit weird for a time, but we're still just good friends.

I suspect either, he's feeling the same way or he has grown "feelings" and is a bit scared/ worried, but me doing anything is only going to make things worse either way?

OP posts:
Thedaysthatremain · 18/12/2022 08:55

Why are you the one that messed things up here?

MuggleMe · 18/12/2022 08:55

No, don't just let things drift. Message him. "You're a valuable friend, love spending time with you, be honest with me, do you have feelings for me? I can't reciprocate but I don't want to lose you from mixed messages and things left unsaid".

Paq · 18/12/2022 08:58

It sounds like he was using you as a bit of an ego boost post break-up and is now worried he's led you on. Instead of dealing with it like an adult he's going to ghost you.

Don't give him any more headspace.

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Original poster
SnowStupid · 18/12/2022 09:02

Thedaysthatremain · 18/12/2022 08:55

Why are you the one that messed things up here?

I think it was obvious he wanted to step back, even if the reason isn't obvious and I really did go on. I didn't just ask him to dance once. I was probably very annoying. Usually I'm quite laid back, but the situation last night was unexpected and so different to how he was last weekend when we danced together all night and walked home together.

Oh! We didn't kiss last week but we did walk back with our arms round each other. It was a bitter night though! So our last contact was very coupley and then this.

I think we've both been guilty of mixed messages.

OP posts:
Original poster
SnowStupid · 18/12/2022 09:04

Paq · 18/12/2022 08:58

It sounds like he was using you as a bit of an ego boost post break-up and is now worried he's led you on. Instead of dealing with it like an adult he's going to ghost you.

Don't give him any more headspace.

I think we've probably both done that.

We've been friends for a decade though and have lots of mutual friends

OP posts:
AlcoholFear · 18/12/2022 09:05

Just ask him again

Original poster
SnowStupid · 18/12/2022 09:06

AlcoholFear · 18/12/2022 09:05

Just ask him again

Ask him what again?

OP posts:
URP · 18/12/2022 09:09

I would leave it for a while, just let it rest. Give him a couple of months and if you still don't hear from him message him to ask how he is. Mention that you felt bad for going on and ask if you can move on and stay friends again.

Circumferences · 18/12/2022 09:11

Oh dear. Why do blokes do this! He's basically a coward.
Rather than y'know, actually say how he feels eg "we made a mistake can we be just friends," or "I think I really like you but I'm not ready for a proper relationship" or anything at all - he's chosen to blank you instead.

He's not worth the head space, that's just shitty behaviour.

Original poster
SnowStupid · 18/12/2022 09:14

He didn't blank me. He was friendly as part of a group, just like we would have been together 6 months ago, it was just very different to how it had been recently. And he replied straightaway to my message.

Not wanting to dance was weird though. He always dances.

OP posts:
thelobsterquadrille · 18/12/2022 09:19

Maybe he was worried about how you came across to the group?

You're not a couple so maybe he didn't want other people to think you were, in case it lead to an awkward conversation?

Suprima · 18/12/2022 09:20

SnowStupid · 18/12/2022 09:14

He didn't blank me. He was friendly as part of a group, just like we would have been together 6 months ago, it was just very different to how it had been recently. And he replied straightaway to my message.

Not wanting to dance was weird though. He always dances.

It’s not weird in the context of this though…he just didn’t want to dance with you. He clearly thinks the coupley behaviour and the kiss was a bit of a rebound/comfort thing and wants to enforce some sense of boundaries. However, he should just be a grown up and tell you…

Things won’t go back to how they were before. It never does after something like this.

I had a similar thing with a male friend of mine. We are still cordial and polite with each other in a group, but very careful to not appear too friendly. It’s now a very awkward relationship and the good friendship has gone.

GenerallyGreenerGrass · 18/12/2022 09:22

Have you told any mutual friends about when he kissed you a few weeks ago and the starting to feel a bit couply.
If you discussed this with someone and told them you think he might fancy you but you don’t feel the same.
It’s probably got back to him and he thinks you’ve been laughing behind his back.
Pretty sure that’s what’s happened….

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 18/12/2022 09:23

The daft thing is, I don't care if "we" don't go anywhere. He's a fun friend, but probably not partner material for me anyway. I do really value and enjoy his friendship though

I think you probably need some time to think and reflect yourself before discussing anything with him.

Why is he not partner material?
Why do you care so much about his friendship?
How would you feel if he has no feelings for you?
How would you feel if he does have feelings for you?
How would you feel if he gets a new partner?
Given there is now 'history' how would you feel if you got a new partner who wasn't happy with how close you are to your friend?

Probably more questions you need to think about too before you have any more conversations with him.

Original poster
SnowStupid · 18/12/2022 09:23

thelobsterquadrille · 18/12/2022 09:19

Maybe he was worried about how you came across to the group?

You're not a couple so maybe he didn't want other people to think you were, in case it lead to an awkward conversation?

The group have seen us together lots of times, although there were some different people there too last night, so that could have made a difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
SnowStupid · 18/12/2022 09:24

GenerallyGreenerGrass · 18/12/2022 09:22

Have you told any mutual friends about when he kissed you a few weeks ago and the starting to feel a bit couply.
If you discussed this with someone and told them you think he might fancy you but you don’t feel the same.
It’s probably got back to him and he thinks you’ve been laughing behind his back.
Pretty sure that’s what’s happened….

No I haven't said anything to anyone.

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 18/12/2022 09:25

It seems painfully obvious to me that he has got feelings beyond 'just a good mate' towards you. Of course he now needs to step back a little because it is apparent you don't feel the same way. It would be incredibly unfair of you to expect him to keep being your best mate and hanging out in this situation. I also wonder if he feels you have strung him along a little? It's really unusual for a grown up men and women to hang our as 'just friends' endlessly unless they expect it to go somewhere. It seems to me that you are using him as a platonic boyfriend substitute until someone better comes along.

The mature thing to do would have been to send him a message after the kiss saying you were sorry if you had given him the wrong idea. You enjoy his company but sadly don't feel the same way

Original poster
SnowStupid · 18/12/2022 09:32

WonderingWanda · 18/12/2022 09:25

It seems painfully obvious to me that he has got feelings beyond 'just a good mate' towards you. Of course he now needs to step back a little because it is apparent you don't feel the same way. It would be incredibly unfair of you to expect him to keep being your best mate and hanging out in this situation. I also wonder if he feels you have strung him along a little? It's really unusual for a grown up men and women to hang our as 'just friends' endlessly unless they expect it to go somewhere. It seems to me that you are using him as a platonic boyfriend substitute until someone better comes along.

The mature thing to do would have been to send him a message after the kiss saying you were sorry if you had given him the wrong idea. You enjoy his company but sadly don't feel the same way

Hmm. I wasn't completely clear in OP. I've probably only been out with him alone about 5 times in the last 18 months. We haven't been "hanging out" together, but what has happened is that in a situation where the group is usually made up of mostly couples, we end up paired off.

We've walked home alone together and shared cabs simply because that makes sense geographically. When one of us has a spare ticket or needs a plus one, we've been convenient for each other, but that hasn't happened often.

I also think we have a mutual friend who may have been encouraging him to look after me!

OP posts:
LogicVoid · 18/12/2022 09:33

It is his behaviour that was out of the usual, and you naturally reacted. Just back off and give him space now. He'll either be motivated to clarify where things stand, or not. Either way focus on your own wellbeing.

MandarinCat · 18/12/2022 09:34

WonderingWanda · 18/12/2022 09:25

It seems painfully obvious to me that he has got feelings beyond 'just a good mate' towards you. Of course he now needs to step back a little because it is apparent you don't feel the same way. It would be incredibly unfair of you to expect him to keep being your best mate and hanging out in this situation. I also wonder if he feels you have strung him along a little? It's really unusual for a grown up men and women to hang our as 'just friends' endlessly unless they expect it to go somewhere. It seems to me that you are using him as a platonic boyfriend substitute until someone better comes along.

The mature thing to do would have been to send him a message after the kiss saying you were sorry if you had given him the wrong idea. You enjoy his company but sadly don't feel the same way

Agree with this

Original poster
SnowStupid · 18/12/2022 09:37

WonderingWanda · 18/12/2022 09:25

It seems painfully obvious to me that he has got feelings beyond 'just a good mate' towards you. Of course he now needs to step back a little because it is apparent you don't feel the same way. It would be incredibly unfair of you to expect him to keep being your best mate and hanging out in this situation. I also wonder if he feels you have strung him along a little? It's really unusual for a grown up men and women to hang our as 'just friends' endlessly unless they expect it to go somewhere. It seems to me that you are using him as a platonic boyfriend substitute until someone better comes along.

The mature thing to do would have been to send him a message after the kiss saying you were sorry if you had given him the wrong idea. You enjoy his company but sadly don't feel the same way

Yes, all fair points except he kissed me and I stopped it. Why did I need to be the one to message? I decided if he was going to pretend it didn't happen, I would too rather than embarrass him. He was very drunk, I'm not entirely sure he even remembers 😆

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/12/2022 09:40

Paq · 18/12/2022 08:58

It sounds like he was using you as a bit of an ego boost post break-up and is now worried he's led you on. Instead of dealing with it like an adult he's going to ghost you.

Don't give him any more headspace.

Yes, this. I think he's worried he's now obligated in some way.

traintraveller · 18/12/2022 09:43

It seems like he's shown his feelings but you didn't reciprocate so he's stepping back which is understandable, I'd leave him alone for a while.

Pondere · 18/12/2022 09:57

My interpretation is completely different. I suspect the kiss was something that happened in the moment, doesn’t mean anything else. You appeared keen last night and he doesn’t want you to think there’s something brewing between the two of you, hence why he was a bit distant and treated you as he usually does.

kiwiandcherries · 18/12/2022 10:02

Yes, this is what I was going to say @Pondere I think that he wants to make sure that they are just friends and is regretting it crossing a line but is worried that OP has developed feelings for him, which her desperate (in her own words) behaviour will be reinforcing!