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Original poster

A man with shaky mental health and no job

46 replies

BrokenCup · 17/12/2022 15:31

What a catch, right?

He seems like quite a good guy, but he was carer for his wife and hasn't worked since. Ex Wife (they divorced at her instigation, he was devastated, took to his bed for a month at the beginning) suffers seizures and he always said she couldn't be left alone, which was why he had to care for her, but she did/does work and now has care of theur child. He does see her regularly, but less than 50/50.

He's making a bit of a play for me. We get on, he's good company, not unattractive, but I'm afraid I can't get past the not working. It's not about the money, he seems to have cash to spend and I certainly dont want money from him, but not working and (possibly) sponging off his ex is a problem for me.

Anyway, it seems like a lot red flags to me, but a friend says I'm being unkind, he's in this position because he sacrificed himself to care for ex who through that in his face. She apparently also thought he should get a job, but he was too worried to leave her.

OP posts:

Vallmo47 · 17/12/2022 15:33

It’s up to you to decide where to go from here?

ForestLilac · 17/12/2022 15:33

What would put me off is the lack of get-up-and-go there.

LaBellina · 17/12/2022 15:34

Don’t listen to your friend. Not wanting to date someone for whatever reason is absolutely fine. Your body isn’t a democratic institution that all should equally have a chance of getting access to. Just you not wanting to date him is enough, no justification needed, women don’t owe men anything.

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pocketvenuss · 17/12/2022 15:35

He was too worried to leave her so he didn't get a job. But she now has a job. Seems like he convinced himself that he was needed at home so he didn't have to work. He wouldn't appeal to me I'm afraid

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/12/2022 15:38

Well why isn’t he caring for her now? What’s changed? This smells like bullshit to me..

Original poster

BrokenCup · 17/12/2022 15:41

pocketvenuss · 17/12/2022 15:35

She worked all along, but she wasn't alone at work. I think he genuinely believed she needed this level of care, possibly because of his anxiety (which may also have been convenient for him) but she disagreed, which is one of the reasons they're no longer together

OP posts:

TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/12/2022 15:42

Definitely not. Your friend is giving you very bad advice here.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 17/12/2022 15:43

So... You have a story that makes no sense, from his perspective or that if his ex. A MH issue that isn't resolved alongside some unrequited feelings on his side and, amongst all if that, he has seemingly now set his cap at you, and your 'friend' thinks you should do what? Set aside his unresolved history and leap at the opportunity he presents?

She doesn't really have your best interests at heart, does she?

You have well founded reservations. Unless he is drop dead gorgeous, self sufficient and is exactly the kind of man you would normally find utterly delicious why would you bother?

UrricanesArdlyHeverAppen · 17/12/2022 15:44

There are a few things that aren’t quite making sense there. He was too worried to leave his wife alone, but she’s managing to hold down a job and be the primary carer for their child? Did she actually want him to be her carer? Or is that something he decided would suit him better than full time employment? And if it was only her health that stopped him from working, why is he still unemployed?

Being unemployed is something that wouldn’t necessarily bother me as much as these things not quite making sense. But vaginas are not bound by equal opportunity and anti discrimination laws. If something is off putting to you, then it doesn’t matter if you’re being unfair or not. If your friend feels that strongly about it, she can date him.

emmetgirl · 17/12/2022 15:45

This would not end well.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 17/12/2022 15:46

Fuck no! It is not that he had problems with working, or with his MH, but taking to his bed for a month - this is someone who is likely to be a drain on you ime.

FuckabethFuckor · 17/12/2022 15:46

Forget your friend. This isn't really about money, or work, or MH.

You're either attracted to him or you aren't. And it sounds like you aren't.

You don't owe him a date (and I'm sure he would say the same) just because a third party says so.

Your friend needs to nob off.

girlmom21 · 17/12/2022 15:47

I bet he'll have loads of good excuses as to why he can't work for the next decade.

Lividity · 17/12/2022 15:48

Nooooooooooooooo. Nope.

gliiterryballs · 17/12/2022 15:48

He's making a bit of a play for me. We get on, he's good company

Where is this taking place?

Aureliaaa · 17/12/2022 15:49

He has too much baggage I wouldn't be interested and he shouldn't date until his life is sorted out.
I don't understand how she needed him as a carer so much that he couldn't or wouldn't work but then she divorces him and has been working. I don't doubt he has MH which are not necessarily his fault, I would understand not working due to MH but his story doesn't add up and his situation is too complex he should focus on himself and getting better, not finding a new partner.

Aureliaaa · 17/12/2022 15:50

Your friend is guilt tripping you when it's obvious this man has serious issues and needs to get better and more on his feet, he doesn't need dates in his life. I would end any communication with him, wish him well and that's that. The friend can date him if she her heart is too heartbroken for him.

WeeOrcadian · 17/12/2022 15:50

Things don't add up to me. She 'couldn't be left alone' but managed to hold down a job... All the while he didn't work? Have I read that right?

It doesn't sound to me like it's sustainable, he doesn't work but has money? He doesn't seem to have many (any?) redeeming features
It's a hard no from me

Jewel7 · 17/12/2022 15:51

It would put me off. If it was temporary and he had a plan fair enough but doesn’t sound like it.

astronewt · 17/12/2022 15:53

So she didn't actually want care. She worked. And she continues to work and parent now without his "care". And he's still unemployed. But he nobly sacrificed himself to care for her. Riiiiiiiiiight.

Original poster

BrokenCup · 17/12/2022 15:55

astronewt · 17/12/2022 15:53

So she didn't actually want care. She worked. And she continues to work and parent now without his "care". And he's still unemployed. But he nobly sacrificed himself to care for her. Riiiiiiiiiight.

Yes, exactly my view. But if you didn't know that about him you'd think he seemed decent enough

OP posts:

Adapa · 17/12/2022 15:56

I think he genuinely believed she needed this level of care, possibly because of his anxiety (which may also have been convenient for him) but she disagreed, which is one of the reasons they're no longer together

She didn't think she needed and clearly doesn't as she is without him now and cares for kids, 24 hour care. But his anxiety meant he was around her always "caring"
Honestly that sounds abusive he has more Red flags than North Korea. There are so many men in the world, there is no need to settle for this one, run away from this.

fortheloveofcheesecake · 17/12/2022 15:56

Why didn't he work while she was out at work? Sounds lazy to me.

NewtoHolland · 17/12/2022 15:56

If be hugely hugely put off that he sat around waiting for her to come home from work every day. It could be control it could be anxiety it could be all sorts of things but I'd be backing away. No reason for him not to work now is there?

Original poster

BrokenCup · 17/12/2022 15:58

Itsnit that friend is saying I "should" date him. She's telling me that if these are my "only" reasons not to, I could be missing out.

I've got no intention of listening to her, I'm not someone who needs a man or sees every bit of interest as an opportunity, I was just interested in views. To me, even if I did find him super attractive, there are still red flags.
.

OP posts:

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