A man with shaky mental health and no job

[BrokenCup]

What a catch, right?

He seems like quite a good guy, but he was carer for his wife and hasn't worked since. Ex Wife (they divorced at her instigation, he was devastated, took to his bed for a month at the beginning) suffers seizures and he always said she couldn't be left alone, which was why he had to care for her, but she did/does work and now has care of theur child. He does see her regularly, but less than 50/50.

He's making a bit of a play for me. We get on, he's good company, not unattractive, but I'm afraid I can't get past the not working. It's not about the money, he seems to have cash to spend and I certainly dont want money from him, but not working and (possibly) sponging off his ex is a problem for me.

Anyway, it seems like a lot red flags to me, but a friend says I'm being unkind, he's in this position because he sacrificed himself to care for ex who through that in his face. She apparently also thought he should get a job, but he was too worried to leave her.

He did initially, but their shifts never aligned so he left

Sounds a bit of a cocklodger alert to me. Is he unfit for work or can't be arsed?

What's up with your friend and her poor judgement?

Obviously, no, he isn't worth considering but I'd be more worried about your friend. How can't she see that? Does she have other problems with boundary setting?

She's in a long and happy marriage. I do believe that, her husband is lovely. I'm not sure if it's her judgement or just that she thinks I'm desperately in need of a partner, she can't imagine life without one. I'm actually quite enjoying being single.

Sounds like he just wanted to control/monitor his ex at all times and not have to bother with work tbh. Red flags everywhere. You are right to stay well clear.

Someone who takes to their bed for a month is never going to be a catch!

So why doesn't he work now?

I'd love to hear his wifes story, he sounds like a cocklodger or a controlling man tbh...

this 👆

He went to bed for a month! Dear god. He sounds pathetic. He wasn't her carer at all.

Of course he's interested in you! I bet you are a catch. And a catch with a home and a job.

Your judgement is much better than your friend’s. Don’t doubt yourself!

Anyway, it seems like a lot red flags to me, but a friend says I'm being unkind, he's in this position because he sacrificed himself to care for ex who through that in his face. She apparently also thought he should get a job, but he was too worried to leave her.

So his "care" of her mostly involved just being present in case of a fit rather than actually having to do anything? His ExW obviously doesn't agree that she needs care to that extent and is in fact managing fine as a working single parent. So he was playing the system then, claiming carers allowance for doing pretty much sod all and letting his ExW pay the bills with her benefits when she wasn't working and her wages once she was?

I've met men like him before who prefer being carers - whether that's to DC, spouse or elderly parents - to working. It's no different to how some women prefer to not work if possible. Though I'm not saying everyone who prefers to not work is playing the system. Some people have genuine opportunity to do so, eg plenty of SAHP out there, or people providing disabled/elderly care that's needed and preferring to provide it themselves than rely on care workers. But also lots of cocklodgers out there and I'm suspecting this man has potential to be one of them.

I'd not get involved with him because of the shakey mental health. If he's not living with parents for cheap/free and isn't totally skint then he's probably on the sick or disability, not job hunting. Or running up loads of debt! If you moved in with him he could lose benefit entitlement due to your wages. Does he talk about wanting a job and does he seems to be doing anything to work towards making that happen?

What you see as his friend will be the tip of the iceberg, regards his MH, than if you lived with him or even saw him daily. Men generally don't tend to lean on their friends for emotional support too much, reserving that for their partners. If you only want a boyfriend it could work, but if you want to live together you could end up propping him up mentally and financially. It's unlikely his ExW divorced him purely due to his inability to get a job for health reasons, there must be more to it than that. More likely to be he isn't interested in fully recovering from his MH issues and prefers not to work.

The thing is even if he genuinely believed his wife needed him not to work because he needed to care for her, he didn't listen to her.

Instead of listening to her say she was okay he tried to stifle her with over protectivness and make her world small.

I would be concerned that he would also not listen to you, your needs and would instead over ride them because he thinks he knows best

No way from what you've said would make him an attractive choice. He's either a cocklodger in the making or utterly smothering with his partners.

Just no.

His ex clearly doesn't need him. So I'd think he was a 'carer' because he didn't want to go to work.

He's work shy.

He sounds like a cock lodger. No ta

He sounds anxious and needy.
Sorry OP.

If you're having to talk yourself into dating someone or seeing them as a potential love interest then the answer is always no.

Run. He's an absolutely not.

Either a cocklodger or controlling. Walk away.

I would expect him to be actively working on improving his mental wellbeing before I reciprocated any interest

How long is it since he split up from his EW?

If it has been a couple of months and he hasn't found a job yet then I would maybe give him the benefit of the doubt but otherwise, I would run a mile.