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Original poster

DH not engaged with any Christmas planning tasks

31 replies

IncessantNameChanger · 17/12/2022 11:13

So normally we plan a Christmas shopping trip to get presents and also go out food shopping.

I have asked a few times but he says we are busy on x weekend ( four kids so activities planned). But there has been no suggestion on when we could do the shopping. I told him this week I'm overwhelmed with the stuff to do, I have brought a few Christmas presents in dribs and drabs and the same with the food. I asked him during the week. He said we could do some this weekend.

But still not offering up a plan for this. I feel mentally burnt out doing all of the life admin always and then nagging and chasing. We have food for Christmas Dinner. I bought him a £15 gin gift set yesterday.

I just feel like I'm done now. I don't want to keep chasing him. I'm not buying drinks or snacks now. I'm not taking the kids around the shops on my own next week looking his present. I have arranged all four kids presents and all the food and paid for it all. I think at this stage if he thinks I can drum up everything he can fuck himself.

He is totally happy to let me do the life, child and house admin. He is selfish and dispite telling him repeatedly for years he is getting more and more self centred he keeps getting worse. So fed up this weekend

OP posts:
NoelNoNoel · 17/12/2022 12:00

You have food for dinner sorted and have bought him a present. You don’t need to buy him anything else.
Tell him if he wants any snacks, treats or alcohol this Christmas then he needs to put a date in his diary to go shopping.
Have you finished Christmas present shopping for your DC? If you haven’t can you order it from Amazon.
If the presents are for anyone else the either don’t buy them or tell him he needs to sort it.
Then stick to this.
I had a similar situation years ago and I went on
a Christmas card and present buying for his side of the family strike. No one got anything, he got nagged at by his siblings, it didn’t happen again.

Hopeful16 · 17/12/2022 12:18

I don't mind the sorting/ ordering but we split the costs - has he contributed? If not, I'd be having words.

gliiterryballs · 17/12/2022 12:21

He is totally happy to let me do the life, child and house admin. He is selfish and dispite telling him repeatedly for years he is getting more and more self centred he keeps getting worse.

Why are you still with him?

Seriously, what's in it for you?

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Christmas Events & celebrations
Christmasinbed · 17/12/2022 12:29

I had this issue once, I decided to go on strike and watch his realisation on the day. He couldn't be arsed to contribute or put any thought in whatsoever. The consequences were inevitable. I left him.

Christmasinbed · 17/12/2022 12:31

Our dc said 'Daddy what have you got for Mummy?' And he just sat there & looked blank like 'I'm meant to do something?'

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 17/12/2022 12:33

Definitely do not drag your children around the hectic, stressful, crowded shops. You’ve got him a gift. That’s enough, and more than he deserves, tbh. Do not put any more energy into anything that benefits him to the detriment of your own wellbeing. Enjoy the rest of the Christmas season with your children. Create magic for yourself and for them in the quiet, cosy moments. He’s selfish and refuses to hear what you are saying, so he’s not worth agonising over.

MissyB1 · 17/12/2022 12:40

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 17/12/2022 12:33

Definitely do not drag your children around the hectic, stressful, crowded shops. You’ve got him a gift. That’s enough, and more than he deserves, tbh. Do not put any more energy into anything that benefits him to the detriment of your own wellbeing. Enjoy the rest of the Christmas season with your children. Create magic for yourself and for them in the quiet, cosy moments. He’s selfish and refuses to hear what you are saying, so he’s not worth agonising over.

Precisely this 👆

Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 17/12/2022 13:38

One of the kids is severely disabled so there's no way I'm taking them around the shops.

I'm currently not working as I'm a carer for my son, but he is going to secondary in September so I'm hoping I might go back to work so to be fair dh gives me money for the household. But obviously this is high spend month so no thoughts about where extra money comes from.

His mum and family are the ones who either chase him or the women do the cards, presents etc. He seems to be buying into this mindset more every year.

He must be reading MN and just asked me if I want to Christmas food shopping. I said not until we have checked the kids have enough presents.

He got no idea what I have got. So unless it's food I'm wanting I'm not going to prompt him. I have the main two meals.

He can be amazed and perplexed when he has got cereal for breakfast, no afters he likes, no alcohol and no snacks. I will get some share bags for the kidsbut that's it. It's selfish. Especially as I said I was struggling to cope.

OP posts:
tiredfriday · 17/12/2022 13:39

There may be a murder in this house before Christmas

MarshaMelrose · 17/12/2022 13:44

The shops are open on Christmas eve and Boxing Day. Supermarket express shops are open on Christmas Day. Why stress over snacks and drinks? If you've got food and he decides he needs more, he can go out and buy it. I don't get people buying two trolley loads of stuff for one day.

Sceptre86 · 17/12/2022 13:55

There's lots of underlying issues here that are causing resentment, you need to deal with them at some point. For now you've taken to avoidance which might help for a little while until you blow up at him and have an argument. Life's short, only you know what you want out of it and what you are willing to put up with. My dh left the life admin to me when we got married and got a shory, sharp shock when I said I'd had enough after having our eldest and if I had to do his thinking for him I'd be better off without him. He stepped up massively and now gets his arse into gear without any prompting. My point being I wouldn't and didn't put up with this. Going forward is the lack of interest in family life OK with you or do you want more?

Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 17/12/2022 14:11

MarshaMelrose · 17/12/2022 13:44

The shops are open on Christmas eve and Boxing Day. Supermarket express shops are open on Christmas Day. Why stress over snacks and drinks? If you've got food and he decides he needs more, he can go out and buy it. I don't get people buying two trolley loads of stuff for one day.

He doesn't even know if we have a turkey and spuds, that's the issue. He just presumes there will be a roast Christmas dinner. It just appears by magic for himmto cook. If we both took that attitude then the kids would be eating beans on toast. That's the resentment. He presumes I will just sort it. I have bought over the last month. One turkey crown, one gammon. A bag of sprouts. A bag of frozen parsnips. A jar of cranberry sauce and we have some lamb bought months ago in the freezer. One thing extra at each weekly shop.

OP posts:
Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 17/12/2022 14:16

I keep telling him. he says he is selfish. He doesn't seem to realise he coukd just stop being selfish. He was great until hit 40 then he just turned into a grumpy old man. He cooks and washes up and sorts the kids out. But he cant plan or proactively see a event coming up needs sorting and planning. For anything. Mental load and life admin has become my role. Everyday repetative tasks that take no brain power are his jobs

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 17/12/2022 14:16

This would piss me off. The kids presents for Dh order off Amazon, get delivered, get them to buy him a bar of chocolate on the way to school. That's enough.

NoelNoNoel · 17/12/2022 14:16

So did he offer for you go food shopping and he looks after the DC or the other way around.
Either way one of you go and whoever goes pick up some stocking fillers and any other bits you need while you are there.
Then you are done and can enjoy the week with the DC.

MarshaMelrose · 17/12/2022 14:31

I wasn't trying to defend his position. I was just saying that for this Christmas you've done all the necessary shopping so you don't need to go and and do anymore or think of his needs anymore. Because there are other ways for him to sort himself out when he recognises that he wants what you havent got. In other words, don't put yourself out for him.

Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 17/12/2022 14:31

NoelNoNoel · 17/12/2022 14:16

So did he offer for you go food shopping and he looks after the DC or the other way around.
Either way one of you go and whoever goes pick up some stocking fillers and any other bits you need while you are there.
Then you are done and can enjoy the week with the DC.

Neither. I asked if we could get the food. He said we are busy this weekend and it was never arranged. I said i wanted help to get it done, he says later ( never). I wouldn't mind if he said this is the list, you go and I will have the kids or he go alone. It's the total disengagement. Life is pretty hectic with four kids and I don't mind that it's tricky to juggle. That's my choice to be more hectic than with two kids etc. But it's the seeming attitude that he can get away with checking out of the process. He will be amazed as the kids when they openn their presents, he has been involved!

Normally we go together late, little ones are in bed and left with the teens. We make a list, think about what we will eat

Same with presents. Kids do a list. We take them on a nice Christmas Market trip locally. We split up, buy a few things then go late night again one further day without the kids.

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 17/12/2022 14:33

Can't one of you go late night shopping this evening when the kids have gone to bed? I love that time in the supermarket.

NoelNoNoel · 17/12/2022 14:34

He must be reading MN and just asked me if I want to Christmas food shopping. I said not until we have checked the kids have enough presents
Sorry this bit isn’t clear to me.

Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 17/12/2022 15:07

NoelNoNoel · 17/12/2022 14:34

He must be reading MN and just asked me if I want to Christmas food shopping. I said not until we have checked the kids have enough presents
Sorry this bit isn’t clear to me.

I'd rather prioritise making sure we have got the kids a fair share of presents over the food. I have bought presents in dribs and drabs so not sure if I have got all of them a fair distribution. I didnt keep up with my ipad check list and it's all got on top of me. I make the list, set the budget per child then add each one to a app. Until it got too much and I lost track.

OP posts:
NoelNoNoel · 17/12/2022 15:52

Could you spend this evening getting all your presents out of the cupboard or wherever it is and work
out if you actually need to buy anymore? You may have more that you think.

Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 17/12/2022 21:50

Yes thanks I have done that now. Only two people left to buy for and we aren't seeing them until after Christmas. We boughtvavfew more presents for the kids tonight. Dh said we can get the rest of the food next week but he's only got Friday off. He can go Christmas eve on his own if he wants. I think I'm done with it all now

OP posts:
NoelNoNoel · 17/12/2022 21:56

That’s good, you sound more organised and in control now and you can hand the food shop
over to your H.

Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 17/12/2022 22:48

Yes I think so. I told him we need to start at the beginning of December next year. Let's see if it sinks in. I'm just going to relax and enjoy my week with the kids now. Thanks for letting me rant.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 17/12/2022 22:55

to be fair dh gives me money for the household

What do you mean gives you?
You married
You jointly devided he earns and you are carer/sahp
You should both have full access to family money

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