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Original poster

Excluded from family Christmas dinner

27 replies

Comparingapplesandoranges · 17/12/2022 04:39

Long time lurker... first time poster

So found at yesterday that my DP family, including my MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL, extended family are all meeting up this weekend...in fact the only family not invited is us!

So DP did speak to MIL who was initially apologetic but the quickly became defensive and attributed this to an oversight, but I cant believe anyone would forget to invite their own child and DGC. Other kids are present so it's not an adults only event.

At the minute, I don't know what to do other than support DP but I also feel incredibly hurt that my DC have been left out.

Any tips on navigating this?

OP posts:
Fedupofdiets · 17/12/2022 05:27

Seems like an odd thing to do if you normally have a good relationship with them. Can you think of any reason why you would be excluded or maybe you already have plans with ILs?

Itsthewhitehat · 17/12/2022 05:38

What’s the relationship like in general?

Either there has to be a reason for them excluding you and your dp. Or it was a genuine oversight, as odd as that oversight may seem.

Original poster
Comparingapplesandoranges · 17/12/2022 05:44

Fedupofdiets · 17/12/2022 05:27

Seems like an odd thing to do if you normally have a good relationship with them. Can you think of any reason why you would be excluded or maybe you already have plans with ILs?

Truthfully, I have a strained relationship with MIL but am always pleasant towards her and make an effort. She sees the DC every week.

DP also has a difficult relationship as she is generally quite an aloof person. No falling outs...everything is very superficial because if MIL is challenged she generally shuts down and won't speak so to keep the peace, everything is kept very light.

She does have form for excluding and playing favourites but I'm so hurt that she could leave the 2 children out.

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Original poster
Comparingapplesandoranges · 17/12/2022 05:46

Also, no set plans for Christmas as she is spending it with SIL, just some vague mention she wants to see DGC on boxing day

OP posts:
mrsbitaly · 17/12/2022 06:00

Yes that's hurtful and I can't see it be an oversight inviting everyone but your family that would be ridiculous if it's true and would annoy me anyway that we were forgotten. Was there no offer to invite you all over after she realised?

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/12/2022 06:03

Can your dp talk to his siblings? Where are they meeting? This sounds horrible for you.

Original poster
Comparingapplesandoranges · 17/12/2022 06:07

mrsbitaly · 17/12/2022 06:00

Yes that's hurtful and I can't see it be an oversight inviting everyone but your family that would be ridiculous if it's true and would annoy me anyway that we were forgotten. Was there no offer to invite you all over after she realised?

According to DP there was an offer that we could come now but it all feels really crap...I don't know if I'm being stubborn and still hurt but how could she forget? Literally, we are the only ones not going and MIL organised the event. I don't particularly feel like going and now she thinks we are being ridiculous because we have been invited.

The only reason we found out about it is because FIL slipped up and told us about it...it's been planned for a while so I can't help feel it is intentional we have been left out.

I just don't know how we can move on from it

OP posts:
Original poster
Comparingapplesandoranges · 17/12/2022 06:10

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/12/2022 06:03

Can your dp talk to his siblings? Where are they meeting? This sounds horrible for you.

It was originally just a few family members including SIL at first, which would have just been fine (we don't have to go to everything and I appreciate they might have just wanted time with DP parents) but now everyone is invited it feels somewhat different!

OP posts:
Itsthewhitehat · 17/12/2022 06:14

So is it one of those things where a few people were coming and slowly different people have been added and it’s kind of snowballed into a whole family thing?

The over sight makes more sense that way

Original poster
Comparingapplesandoranges · 17/12/2022 06:15

Itsthewhitehat · 17/12/2022 06:14

So is it one of those things where a few people were coming and slowly different people have been added and it’s kind of snowballed into a whole family thing?

The over sight makes more sense that way

That's what I am contemplating...but still struggling to wonder how you could forget your own adult child and grandchildren!

OP posts:
Itsthewhitehat · 17/12/2022 06:21

Comparingapplesandoranges · 17/12/2022 06:15

That's what I am contemplating...but still struggling to wonder how you could forget your own adult child and grandchildren!

Show quote history

I agree. I can’t imagine it either. But if people are being added all over the place I could see how it possibly could happen.

It makes slightly more sense. But not much more.

Billybagpuss · 17/12/2022 06:22

I don’t think you’re free Boxing Day are you?

if you’re not good enough to make the first cut I’d plan the Christmas you want and not go to any effort to include her

ShandaLear · 17/12/2022 06:25

Threads like these come up all the time, and a common theme is that the people who aren’t invited and the organiser don’t like each other and don’t get on very well. Why do you even want to go? You don’t get along and you’re not close. The kids probably don’t care and they’ll see their grandparents in a few days anyway.

loudbatperson · 17/12/2022 06:35

Could this not be a case of your in laws having plans with one child, the others hear about it and elbow their way in? Perhaps people have invited themselves, hence why you haven't had a proactive invitation. We see this type of thing a lot in my DHs family, it's like they all hate anyone doing anything with MIL that they are not included in.

Or perhaps is the relationships with SIL or BIL not great? Or any of the kids really clash? Not that those reasons would make it right to exclude one group from a family event, just trying to understand the underlying cause.

HowVeryBizarre · 17/12/2022 06:51

Are your kids a lot younger than the other kids who will be there or have SN which mean they would struggle to be quiet in a restaurant? That is my first thought tbh, if you have babies/toddlers and everyone else has older kids who will sit happily through a meal I think it’s pretty crap but is sometimes why people get left out. There have been a lot of similar posts recently.

Pipsquiggle · 17/12/2022 07:00

Can your DH talk to a sibling? He needs to have a candid chat with someone. Ideally it would be his DM but sounds like that isn't possible.

Also is it a Geography thing? Do you live further away than the rest of the family?

We live further away from the rest of my family - over 3 and a half hours - so can't make every meet up.

It does sound horrible TBH to be excluded like this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/12/2022 07:11

If everyone has just been added in dribs and drabs, it sounds as though this wasn’t terribly well thought through. I’d just go op. You’re only going to see more a rift by digging your heels in and tbh life is too short. You don’t have to love your dh’s family. Just to get along.

moose62 · 17/12/2022 07:27

I would go, have a lively time and not mention the slight. This would probably infuriate your MIL and the kids would still have a good time.

stayathomer · 17/12/2022 07:32

I'm stuck between you saying neither of you get on with her and her saying it was an oversight. Did you really want to go? Maybe they sensed you didn’t or maybe like someone else said it’s because of childrens ages or geography or something. To be honest people get to get up about this stuff at Christmas, go if you want, have fun if you don’t. As someone who knows too many people in hospital at the moment and on the other hand is listening daily to people getting stressed over nothing none of this is worth it

ZombieMumEB · 17/12/2022 07:58

Truthfully, I have a strained relationship with MIL but am always pleasant towards her and make an effort. She sees the DC every week.

If this was me, I'd step back for a while and see what happens.

I wouldn't go visit on Boxing Day, and I'd do something special with DP and DC.

I would be clear about why boxing day was being missed - she's made it clear your little family isn't that important to her. It might be a wake up call for her.

Unless she thrives on drama - then don't feed it, just grey rock her. I have lots of siblings and my mum always had to exclude one - it changed who was her target. With her, she loved the drama, so I learnt to grey rock her (before I knew what that was!).

Shinyandnew1 · 17/12/2022 08:02

Threads like these come up all the time, and a common theme is that the people who aren’t invited and the organiser don’t like each other and don’t get on very well. Why do you even want to go? You don’t get along and you’re not close.

Yes, I agree. I presume the others all get along better and things aren’t strained?

MamaFirst · 17/12/2022 08:03

Of course she didn't forget, it was absolutely intentional. Unless she's got dementia you don't just forget an entire branch of the family.

I would take this as a lesson in how she may well treat your children going forward - sounds like she already does, and protect them from your nasty bastard in laws. Don't beg for scraps, back off and do your own thing.

Original poster
Comparingapplesandoranges · 17/12/2022 08:06

We all live in the same area so geography isn't an issue and all the kids are the same ages.

Feel a bit sad because I think she will always play favourites and I hate that way of thinking

OP posts:
deeperthanallroses · 17/12/2022 08:08

This- I’d make new fun plans for boxing day. Or just relax. I wouldn’t spoil our Christmas by trying to make nice on Boxing Day when you don’t feel friendly at all. And I’d be clear why. ‘We are trying to only spend time with people who care about us at Christmas and we are adjusting to the fact that doesn’t seem to be you.’

CPL593H · 17/12/2022 08:10

Even if it originally started as a meet up with one adult child and others found out and were added/added themselves, at some point the PILS really should have thought "Hang on, we must invite our other child and his family or they will feel left out" (unless there is an overriding reason not to, such as you living in Australia) You would think, wouldn't you?

Wouldn't be going, wouldn't be seeing them Boxing Day, possibly would later on at a time that suits you and your DH.