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Original poster

Am I being too sensitive?

40 replies

fairyglitter · 16/12/2022 19:46

I’ve really struggled with the birth of my now 15 month old son.

It ended in an emergency c-section after I so so wanted a natural birth (a mix of diabetes, obstetric cholestasis and preeclampsia)

I’ve found it hard at times to accept him as my baby. I love him loads but, deep down, I know I didn’t give birth to him. I was in the room but I have no memory of anything. I just remember the block being put in and the pain stopping.

Having a convo with my mother the other day, she confirmed that I haven’t given birth. I’ve failed myself and him.

And now I’m waffling - I’m sure no one will read this, but sorry if you have 💕

OP posts:

piglet81 · 16/12/2022 19:49

Your mother is talking absolute rubbish and should be ashamed of herself. I understand your feelings - I struggled with the idea that I hadn’t ‘given birth’ either (emcs here too). It’s eased with time but I still feel weird about it. Be kind to yourself

tealandteal · 16/12/2022 19:54

Oh love of course you gave birth to him. He was born, he has a birthday. I hope you can recover from this.

AlwaysFullOfQuestions22 · 16/12/2022 19:55

You're mother is horrible to say that.
Of course u gave birth

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3rd trimester Childbirth Families General pregnancy

FadedRed · 16/12/2022 19:57

The dictionary definition of ‘to give birth’ is to produce a baby/young:
www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/give-birth
There is no distinction between producing via your vagina or through surgical intervention. To go through labour and then need emergency Caesarean is the worse of both worlds.
Never doubt yourself that you gave birth to your baby.
Your mother should be ashamed of herself for what she said to you.

Janedownourlane · 16/12/2022 20:03

I just typed you a long message and lost it, but just to echo what others are saying, of course you gave birth. It may not have been what you were expecting or were lead to believe how it should be, but I think it rarely is! I had a traumatic vaginal delivery and it lead, I believe, to a form of PTSD. So…please be kind to yourself, cuddle your beautiful boy and your mother is so wrong.

jamsandwich1 · 16/12/2022 20:06

Of course you did. You haven’t failed in any way. GD, pre eclampsia and cholestasis are completely out of your control. It sounds like you had a very rough time of it, be kind to yourself.

MyTabbyCats · 16/12/2022 20:13

Your mother should be relieved and grateful that this kind of intervention is possible. Without it, I wouldn't be here and neither would my dc. And millions of other mothers and their babies…

A healthy mother + baby = success.

NightOwl101 · 16/12/2022 20:14

Op your mother has been cruel to say that to
You, of course you gave birth to your child. You grew him, you brought him into this world regardless of vaginal or surgical means.

I've had 2 c-sections and while I wanted that vaginal birthing experience I still gave birth to my DC, I'm so proud that my body could grow and birth them regardless of how they came out.

RedPandaFluff · 16/12/2022 20:20

I can't believe your mother said that to you, @fairyglitter - how cruel! Of course you gave birth, and it sounds like a very traumatic one at that.

I'm wondering if it might help you to have a "birth review" - you can request that someone sits down with you and your notes, and walks you through the birth - what happened, when and why. Talking it over might help you process it, understand what you went through, and perhaps start to heal emotionally?

lovelyclouds · 16/12/2022 20:35

My first child was emergency c section- second was c section too due to pre eclampsia again etc. it wasn't til the birth of my second that I realised (when I broke down in the hospital at the induction attempt not working) of the level of trauma I carried from the first birth. This was years and years ago- I know they now do birth reviews, and I think that could be a really productive process to go through to for you. I'm really sorry your mum said what she did, it isn't a correct statement, you have failed no one- you have done brilliantly by your child. Please be kind to yourself 💐

Cherryana · 16/12/2022 20:47

I am so sorry you have felt so disconnected because of this and then had an insecurity reinforced by your mother. Personally, I do not think that what you think is true…

You nurtured your baby to term inside your body and have a healthy child.

You gave your child (and potentially yourself) an opportunity to live due to the medical intervention . What is birth but the bringing fourth of life?

I do think that maybe reaching out on here is the first step to reaching out in real life to find some clarity and peace on this - possibly with a professional counsellor? I do think this thought is one that would be worth examining and look for a difference perspective on.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 16/12/2022 20:57

Do you think you're suffering from ppd? Yes, you absolutely 100% gave birth to your beautiful baby! I also have a 15-month old. Birth was planned c-section. As I neared the date I began reading up on it to be prepared and was astounded by the posts from mothers saying c-sections weren't real births. My answer: do fuck off.
Please discuss your mental health and post-part coping with your doctor. Anyone who says, or otherwise suggests, your baby didn't have a "real" birth and that you didn't have a "real" birth experience should be told to shit up and fuck off. Do not surround yourself with these miserable joy-sucking parasites.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 16/12/2022 20:58

Mumtobabyhavoc · 16/12/2022 20:57

Ugh...typos! But, I hope my point was clear. 🌹

Pterrydactyl · 16/12/2022 21:10

Of course you gave birth!
It may not have been the birth you planned or wanted, but you carried that baby within your body, and you brought him into this world.

FWIW, I was born by EMCS. I consider myself to have been properly born, and I’m very, very grateful that this medical intervention was available to my mother, and that she consented to it. There’s a very real likelihood that neither of us would have survived my birth without the EMCS.

You have not failed your son. When you agreed to the EMCS, you made the choices that needed to be made to ensure that both of you made it through labour as safely as possible.

Emmamoo89 · 16/12/2022 21:13

Of course you gave birth. Ignore your mother. Hope you're okay x

Flapjack637 · 16/12/2022 21:43

Is your mother always so abusive? The alternative to an EMCS was that you both potentially died.
I too had an EMCS for my first birth. My second was an induction with forceps so I assume your mother would not deem that a ‘proper’ birth either.
You've not failed OP. Sorry your mother isn’t supportive 💐

xxcatcatcatxx · 16/12/2022 21:50

I mean this in the nicest possible way but natural birth is so overrated. It’s been 9 months and I can only just start to wipe my bum after I poo so it’s swings and roundabouts💕

I’m convinced people are dismissive about c sections because of jealousy that your still intact so please just ignore her completely and try not to get too caught up in your own thoughts/ others opinions and comments. Also give your baby an extra big squeeze, you’re doing great 🤗 xxx

AriettyHomily · 16/12/2022 23:18

Your mother is a fuckwit for thinking it, let alone saying it. I had a crash section at 31 weeks with DTs, we all nearly died, I didn't see them for 48 hours and couldn't hold them. If I didn't give birth to them who did?

Lcb123 · 16/12/2022 23:20

She’s talking rubbish. You’re both alive and well - appreciate that and tell your mother that.

DowntonCrabby · 16/12/2022 23:23

Oh lovely

You’ll really struggle to get through this with such a shit mother for support. How is your wider support network? Please seek some more help and distance yourself from her while you get better.

You’re 100% his Mummy, of course you “gave birth” to him. Please reach out to the professionals.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 16/12/2022 23:29

Do you have other support apart from your mum? That’s such a mean (and bullshit) thing to say. My kids were c-section too and I definitely gave birth to them.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/12/2022 23:49

Your mother is an absolute fucking pillock and I hope you never listen to a single thing that comes out of her stupid mouth.

Of course you gave birth, and you should be celebrating that modern medicine made it possible for both you and your baby to survive and thrive.

You have failed no one and you have failed at nothing. Your baby is so, so lucky to have you as their mum.

RunnerDuck2020 · 16/12/2022 23:54

I can’t believe anyone would say that to you, let alone your own mum!

To think about it a different way - do you know anyone else in real life who has had a c section? Would it ever cross your mind that they had failed or hadn’t given birth? I am guessing you wouldn’t, so why think that about yourself? Be kind to yourself, you’ve had a traumatic experience which was complete outside your control 💐

I also had an EMCS and it has never crossed my mind to think that I didn’t give birth or that I have failed.

ThanksItHasPockets · 16/12/2022 23:59

Your mother was wrong and cruel to say that. Of course you birthed your son. You grew him and nurtured him for the whole of your pregnancy and you have been his mum from the moment he was born. He would not exist without you.

Maybe try getting in touch with the Birth Trauma Association. I think they might be able to help you.

ThanksAntsThants · 17/12/2022 00:01

Well, if you see giving birth as pushing them out through your fanny, then no, technically, you haven’t given birth, but your baby has still been birthed from you.

can you reframe it, can you think that you grew your baby inside you, and it had to come out one way or the other otherwise neither of you would be here today? I know this sounds horribly cold and emotionless, and I know it’s not as simple as feeling emotionally hung up on a technicality, but rationally that’s what it is, a technicality.

You aren’t the only woman to have these feelings BTW. My sister had cesareans with both of her DC, and she still feels like she didn’t properly give birth. It would be crass and pointless to tell you it doesn’t matter, because clearly it does, and it does to many other women, but if you could reframe it then maybe that might help?

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