Advice please. My child has poor social skills.

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My 11yr son often has very poor social skills with children of his own age. He can be a very kind and polite boy, and seems to have much better more meaningful conversations with adults. But when it comes to his friends I worry for the way he interacts with them. We have tried to correct this behaviour endless times. DH often finds it very frustrating and yells at him for the way he behaves. I don't agree with the way he yells and often puts him down, but that's a whole other story. I try and take a gentler approach explaining why his behaviour is inappropriate and how other perceive it, but nothing seems to work. I have suspected for a very long time that son has ADHD and potentially ASD.

Has anyone else dealt with behavioural issues like this?

A few examples:

He doesn't know how to say goodbye to his friends. He will be playing video games with them and we'll call him for dinner or something else (usually multiple times until we go in and demand he gets off so we end up witnessing the interaction between him and his friends). He will just say "I've got to go now. Bye" no politeness in kind of warning the child they need to go such as "I need to go now" wait for the other child to say something. Then for him to say "I'll talk to you later. Goodbye". He ends most conversations very abruptly and rudely which could leave the other children wondering what the hell just happened and see him as rude as well. But when we question him about it he says he doesn't realise it's rude (we have told him many times!) or he'll say how he doesn't know what to say or how to say goodbye.

He really gets in other people's personal space. Gets right up in their faces, or practically on their lap when he wants to see something such as what's ok their phone etc. He especially does this at home with DH, DD and I. He'll try and snatch the phone from us to show us something when we're in the middle of trying to do it ourselves.

He has no filter. He doesn't think before he speaks. The other day he was playing video games online with a boy he's never met, but who is acquaintances with other boys in his year. The boy asked my son if he knew "X name. He's my best friend" as they went to the same school. My son then blurts out "yeah, but he's kind of annoying" 🤦‍♀️ My husband lost it on him then yelling at him that he can't say that to people - especially someone who's just said they're best friends with the other boy.

He says he's joking about everything. Son doesn't really understand a joke. He will say something stupid, offensive or just a blatant lie. It's generally negative stuff. We'll get angry at him and then he'll say sarcastically "I was just joking". This could be with things like "I hate my life", "I wish my sister wasn't born", "everyone hates me", "I hate x person", or tells DD that her favourite toy was stollen, etc. Even things like I'll make him what he's asked for dinner and then call him when it's ready. He'll sit down at the table and blurt out "I don't want xxxx" and then when I get annoyed and remind him he asked me for it he'll say "just joking!" When we get cross with him his reply is always "I was just joking".

I'm getting really worried for his future friendships. He doesn't have a load of friends. He's not a bully at all and has a very kind heart. But he just doesn't know how to behave around other children. Admittedly I've not been very good about arranging play dates with other children when he was younger. I'm worried this is somehow my fault.

What can I do now to help him? I don't want him to be a loner or an outcast as he gets older. I can speak from experience that I'm also quite awkward around people and don't really maintain friendships that easily. I also have ADHD and find it hard to relate to people and keep in contact with them and align to social norms. DH is insistent that our son doesn't have a problem with being neurodiverse. I just want to help my son realise his behaviour needs to change so he doesn't push people away. 😕

My son has ADHD and ASD. These all sound very much like his behaviours. First step is to talk to school. Ask them how they have noticed his behaviour at school. Mention your concerns. See if the SENDCO can help. If not. Then go to GP to start diagnosis pathway. Sometimes parents can be very defensive about neurodiversity, like your DH, but a diagnosis doesn't change your child, it just makes them easier to understand and maybe access help for

All familiar. My ds similar age has asd. Shouting at your ds is actually emotionally cruel as he almost certainly can’t help it

Maybe focus on getting your son support rather than being shitty with him

Hello there. My children are younger, oldest is almost 5, so you're probably way more experienced than me. But one thing we are firm on in our household is no lying. And if it is a joke, you have to straight away say it's a joke, not later otherwise that would classify as lying, and she knows this well now. Boring I know, but helps us be clear atleast. But it's something as adult we have to be mindful ourselves otherwise they won't take it seriously. The word lying can however be a bit harsh is certain contexts, and she does like making stories up though so I often ask her is it a pretend story or real, and she says which one it is...(often pretend🤦🏻‍♀️)

That’s who he is and how he communicates. You can’t train him out of it, you can support him in who he is.

I don't know that age group well enough to know what's typical, but it seems worth getting him assessed if you're concerned. If he is neurodiverse he might benefit from targetted resources, or even just for his own self-esteem in understanding why he struggles with this.

I'm concerned about your H's shouting. How often is this, and what does he shout? It seems that "I hate my life" and "everyone hates me" might be consequences of living with a man who yells at him. It could damage his self-esteem, perhaps even his sense of safety, and is certainly not setting him a good example of how to communicate with others.

I think some of this is fairly standard. Especially the 'I've got to go now, bye thing online.'

Don't forget that lots of children have ADD/neuro divergence and lots of children are very used to children whose social skills are NT. So I'd say stop reacting to it each time he does something that you perceive as impolite. It would be better to teach him coping skills.

So with the snatching thing, it may be better to explain to him that you know he wants a good look and you will always make sure he gets a good look, but he may need to wait a few seconds. So perhaps teach him to count before he acts. But again, maybe not at the same time as it's happening. Maybe in a quiet moment, go though it with him.

And tell your husband not to be a dick. Children with critical parents have a tough time and of he does have some nd going on, your husband is doing the exact opposite of helping or teaching him. In fact he's making himself look like twat. And his Ds won't have a fantastic adult relationship with him if he carries on like this. He has to remember he's the adult and he's modelling some pretty shitty behaviour and he can't be surprised when the lad is taller than him if he speaks to him in a shitty way, because it's how he's been taught to interact with his father.

Fs. aren't NT

Something that worked brilliantly for my ds was a book on friendships,I got some from Amazon and left them with him and he has really liked one and taught himself how to be more socially acceptable,it's worked great for him.

The 'I was just joking ' could be a learned response from bullying received at school. Ie peets say something mean then just joking as plausible deniability.

Shouting at your DS won't help anything.

G2g bye rather than a back and forth is totally standard online for kids and teens that age. Even things like oh he's a bit annoying, 11 year olds do talk like this tbh.
As for the saying negative things, being yelled at and shouted at a lot, for things like interactions with your friends is probably going to cause some of those feelings.
Social stories, mirroring good behavior is far better then yelling at him all the time for mistakes. It would be anyone negative about themselves.

Your partner needs to stop verbally abusing him for a start.

The way to teach kids is by inspiring them and encouraging them rather than criticising.

I actually saw a set of parents at the mall at the weekend doing this:- sweet kid a little over excited perhaps- and the barrage of criticism was relentless.”sit down bee” “stop talking bee” “ she’s such an idiot, she never stops” etc etc poor child was only being happy before she got all the joy siliconed but her morose and hyper critical parents. By the end Bee was trailing along sadly with her head down. Long term, this type of criticism leads to depression, a lack of self worth and bad relationships.

I am not saying this is you OP BTW. But, let him breathe and let him learn from his mistakes. I see a lot off teenage boys on the bus and they are all acting a little OTT and sounding much like your son- it’s a phase as they find their feet.

As others have said mirror good relationships. I would even suggest theatre school as it teaches them to express a range of emotions, instils confidence and can be a lot of fun too.

Yes to all of this with my ASD/ADHD boy. Indeed these behaviours have been highlighted in his end of term report (alongside lots of nice things though!). My son gets a lot of support at school and attends a socialising after school club to help his social skills. I gently correct him every time, positive reinforcement. Shouting won't help and achieves nothing! He can't help it! He has to learn skills.

Speak to the Senco at your school and get him on the diagnostic pathway. Also send DH onto an understanding autism and ADHD course!

It sounds like ASD, but also sounds like your husband is abusive. You either leave your husband and get your son help and potentially a diagnosis or you can carry on as you are, causing damage.

From what you've said about yourself you might have ASD too

Ds12 wasn't very good socially in primary school. But at the secondary in his words there are forty plus kids that are weirder than him. He seems to be doing so much better in secondary school. He has loads of friends and he isn't anymore outcast.

Unfort your hubby is bullying your son yelling at him and it’s damaging his self esteem and confidence. Sone of what you say is normal teen behaviour

Please be careful- I am 57 and still remember my mum saying to me at the age of 9- ‘no wonder you don’t have any friends when you do x and y’

has affected my self esteem for my whole life

Perhaps fix your husbands social skills first. He sounds far ruder.

To be honest it’s your husband, and to a lesser extent you, who come across in your post as having the poor social skills. Yelling at him and putting him down is appalling. He is communicating pain by saying ‘ I hate my life’ and instead of being cared by being asked why he feels like that, he gets yelled at?! You do realise he says he is joking to try to deflect the yelling? Because he knows his feelings aren’t being taken seriously.

Sounds neurodiverse to me.

Leaving a husband does not remove him from the child’s life.

But I do wonder how much OP has bought into her H’s negative narrative about her son.

He doesn’t sound that bad. And he does have friends. Most people have a small group of friends. Making him feel shit about himself by yelling and put downs is counter productive to him making friends anyway.

Sounds like me, when I was that age.

You're not going to like this: Television, television, television. Watch TV shows with him, point out good social behaviours, point out people who are charismatic and what makes them appear that way.

My parents didn't let me watch TV growing up, and gods did it hurt me in the long run.

A very good show is Frasier: educated, erudite people who are also very awkward socially, with very exaggerated formal behaviours. Really helped me.

Does he know any other autistic children?

Oh god this sounds like me. I'm autistic.

You do learn how you are "meant" to do things over time but it is an effort and doesn't come naturally!

Give the kid a break, he's not being rude on purpose, he'll find his people.

Gamers are very used to people dropping in and out without pleasantries.

My kids are ND and I know as a parent how awkward it is when you see your kid being what is perceived as rude, but you just have to accept and move on, you can give pointers along the way, but kindly.

When they were younger, I told my kids if they had friends round and they were not coping any more, instead of saying "you have to go now" to come to me and I'd say "x is having their tea now so its time for you to go". As they have grown they have learned to a) have friends like them who understand and/or b) advocate from themselves in a way which sounds a bit more polite.