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Original poster

So unhappy I want to die

32 replies

babysharksb1tch · 15/12/2022 20:41

At least in theory. But I don't want to die really, I want to live the life I should be living, but I'm not. This makes me want to die. Not sure the point in this post just having a really bad night.

OP posts:
Newtrix · 15/12/2022 20:42

What life would you like?

Abhannmor · 15/12/2022 20:44

Yeah...what stuff would you like to do more of ? Life can be a bit of a hamster wheel. But maybe making a plan would help? Something easy to start with ..

Original poster
babysharksb1tch · 15/12/2022 20:46

My little boy is non verbal and autistic... I want him to speak, to acknowledge me, to not struggle in life. To do all of the things other kids take for granted.

I want to take part in parent chat with friends without feeling like a fake parent. My friends talk about their children speaking to them and playing and this is something I can't even imagine.

I want to not worry about my little girl being autistic too. It consumes my every waking thought. If she is that would break me

I want to have a relationship with my husband. Our sons needs have broken us. We barely speak.

I want to be happy at work. My job was changed during maternity leave and I feel so unhappy there.

I'm just deeply, deeply sad and angry and exhausted. I can't keep living this life.

OP posts:
Original poster
babysharksb1tch · 15/12/2022 20:47

@Abhannmor there is literally nothing I can do. I can't go anywhere because of my sons needs. I have to sit in the house and watch him punching himself and throwing things.

OP posts:
Ijuststoodonlego · 15/12/2022 20:50

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please feel free to keep writing on here. It can be a massive help to offload on MN. Your situation sounds incredibly stressful. How old are your children if you don't mind me asking?

cestlavielife · 15/12/2022 20:53

Social servces children with disabilities team
Get assessed get respite in the new year
Get him into spevcalist nursery which will work on communication eg PECS

Mrsbclinton · 15/12/2022 20:54

Im so sorry that you are so unhappy.

Please reach out and get some help and support.
Is there anyone that you can talk to in RL?
Do you have any support to give you a break with your children?
I hope things improve for you.

Original poster
babysharksb1tch · 15/12/2022 20:54

They are four and one.

He already uses PECS very successfully. He is very, very bright but refuses to speak or engage.

OP posts:
Original poster
babysharksb1tch · 15/12/2022 20:59

@Mrsbclinton I don't currently have family that I can worry with this. They are very supportive but going through a cancer diagnosis so have enough on their plate.

OP posts:
DarkKarmaIlama · 15/12/2022 21:02

So sorry to hear this. Having children with severe additional needs is hugely, hugely challenging. Is he going to a special school? I have worked in special ed across the whole spectrum. From early years to adult and they make SO, SO much progress from that age even if they remain non verbal.

I know this does not take away your pain but there is a glimmer of hope maybe further down the line?

MNHQ
ImaniMumsnet · 15/12/2022 21:03

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers

OldPosterOlderMum · 15/12/2022 21:03

That sound unbelievably tough OP. I have no experience at all but if there was any justice in the world whatsoever, you would not be shouldering this alone.

Is there really no chance of you reconnecting with our husband? (no need to engage with this questions if you don't feel like it). It must be so lonely for both of you. 💐

serenghetti2011 · 15/12/2022 21:04

Op I could have written this. Son Asd/adhd
constant constant struggles
Cat costing me £££
washing machine died
Nail in car Tyre tonight, stuck in temporary accommodation in an absolute dive
just feels hopeless 😞 I feel empty like I’ve nothing left to give

Much love to you op
Hoping for some good news or something nice to happen for us both

StopStartStop · 15/12/2022 21:10

@babysharksb1tch and @serenghetti2011 I'm sorry you are going through this. I have no answers. I'll pray.

snowbellsxox · 15/12/2022 21:16

I might get some fire for this but I'm just trying to be hopeful and helpful.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Cured-My-Son-Autism/dp/178148953X

There's also stuff online about diet / gut health and how it can cause inflammation in the brain.

It's the sort of route I would go down ...

Sorry if I offend anyone just a thought. The reviews on the book are really good. I don't know how old it is etc ..

Fingers crossed for you and your journey together.

Octo5 · 15/12/2022 21:22

Firstly, change your job.
That is something you can control and which will make life easier.

Secondly, I work with lots of non-verbal kids and they are the happiest, funnest, most popular and most amazing kids ever!

I get how upsetting it must be for you and there is of course going to be some frustration from them from time to time but honestly once they’ve learnt how to sign or use a device they can communicate brilliantly.

I’m so sorry you are feeling so down but o promise things will get better.

Has your son started school yet?

Original poster
babysharksb1tch · 15/12/2022 21:26

@OldPosterOlderMum I really don't think so. We sleep in a bed with each child as our son is awake for hours during the night.

We both just love our own private pain really, which is ironic as we both know exactly how the other feels but it drives us apart not together.

OP posts:
Original poster
babysharksb1tch · 15/12/2022 21:26

@serenghetti2011 I'm so sorry. I understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
babysharksb1tch · 15/12/2022 21:28

@Octo5 we are going through EHCP and school selection process now. It has been soul destroying. Our local schools have all said they won't be able to manage him.

OP posts:
Unicorn2022 · 15/12/2022 21:29

I totally understand. I have a severely disabled son and am basically a shell of a person existing to care for everyone else's needs. I hate where I work but can't add looking for and starting from scratch in a new job to my list of problems. I'm so sorry I don't have any words of wisdom for you - I am clinging on to sanity by my fingernails.

Original poster
babysharksb1tch · 15/12/2022 21:33

@Unicorn2022 I'm so sorry for you too. I understand the shell comment very well.

OP posts:
lollipoprainbow · 15/12/2022 21:34

Understand too, single mum to dd10 who is autistic. I love her to bits but it's hard work. I'm feeling really poorly at the moment and long to go to bed but she won't let me, she kicks off when I say it's bedtime and hates me being poorly ! So I have to suck it up until she deems it's bedtime.

Brandymakesmerandy · 15/12/2022 21:35

I just want you to know that I felt just like you 14 years ago when my autistic son was small. He's 18 now and he's learnt so much.
He can now get his needs met verbally and loves to be out and about with us as a family.
Ironically I've also got a younger daughter who is on the waiting list for and asd assessment as she shows signs x but I'm more experienced now and I know I've got the power to get through it. You have too hun and it will get easier.Take up any offers of respite and do something for you and your happiness x

DancingLedgend · 15/12/2022 21:35

I'm so sorry.
I won't pretend to have any useful suggestions.
Your life is incredibly hard right now.
I can only acknowledge that, and tell you that I care, I hear you, and I send every good wish that things may look better soon.

Please, come back and dump all the worst stuff with us, that we can support you in whatever way we can.

We have children, and we all imagine a rosy future. And some of us get the long straws. And some of us get the short straws.

FruHagen · 15/12/2022 21:48

Bless you. I am sorry you are going through this, it sounds incredibly hard for you.

I hope you can find others here who are parents to autistic children and you can at least talk about your experience as a parent.

Try and approach one small improvement each week. For example you need a new job but don't feel up to the upheaval at the moment but just improve your CV instead. Do smaller things toward change.