Do you think most people have hard times?

[dingdongmerrilyyourhigh]

I know this is morbid but do you think most people go through difficult times? We have taken a battering this last 4 years any time there is a lovely flicker of hope, something then happens to ruin it all. Our two best friends seem to sail through life without a graze (I'm happy for them btw) both really high earners, massive house, beautiful children, lots of money in the bank to just do nice things when they want. Other friends are all similar. We just can't catch a break at all at the minute. While I know we are blessed in so many ways I just wish the things that are happening atm just would just disappear. It's just constant
Strain and worry

I agree with people who say that you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, and how people react differently to hard times so difficult to measure. For example, in 2020 I had two miscarriages it was one of the worst times of my life and I was a mess inside. but only a few people knew so other people might have looked at us and thought ‘they are so lucky’ as we had the big house and another child, sailed through lockdown etc. another example, a friend of mine went through having pre cancerous cells picked up at a smear and literally broke down over it…a similar thing is happening to me atm and I’m not really bothered by it - actually glad they caught them now! I think some people are more emotionally resilient than others (I think I’m quite emotionally resilient) and different things can ‘trigger’ different people.

Your two best friends probably are going through something that you just don’t know about.

There are very few times in our lives when we don’t have some shit going on in the background.

think of all the people you work with or socialise with - one of them is being cheated on, one of them has a child that’s being bullied at school, one of them is struggling to care for an elderly parent, one of them is depressed because they can’t conceive, one of them has severe money troubles they don’t talk about, one of them has a secret gambling addiction, one of them has a hidden disability, one of them is being abused at home etc etc etc

sadly sometimes they’ll be experiencing son of those things at the same time.

Everyone has hard times, but for some people those times involve serious trauma etc etc that many people couldn't fathom. Lucky for them!

Of course everyone has hard times. Even the basic things, that happen to everyone like someone they love dying.

I often get told I have a charmed life. Because I am very private. Only my best friend knows more about me. Friends I have known for years don’t even know things.

Things like my mum had a severe mental illness and took me and my siblings and disappeared and moved us around every few weeks. Dad left her and she decided that meant he could see us either. After a few years of this her parents found us and brought us home and looked after us including mum. Then we lived just us kids and mum and we became her carers, he meltdowns were horrifying. You could never know if she would be my mum, the women that loved me so much or the monster that hated me. Eventually, Dad moved back in because of the strain. Mum eventually accept help and was well for the last 20 years of her life and she was amazing. But my childhood was spent on egg shells and in distress.

people don’t know one of the men mum moved in at this time sexually abused me.

People don’t know my first husband was abusive. Sexually, emotionally and financially. They don’t know I had 2 miscarriages. That when I left with the kids I lived on a friends sofa for bit til I set up a house. I ended up having to give up work for a year due to ptsd. I went back to work but had to take a much lower paid job and struggled alot to get my kids to a school, work, deal with the ex and was just completely overwhelmed.

They don’t see that this last year has been horrific since mum died, suddenly with no warning. They don’t see it’s brought loads of issues up. They do see me working and smiling and laughing and still coping. They don’t see me laid in bed on a night crying myself to sleep.

What people are is that I am now in well paid job, company car, dd at university, ds doing well in school, spend my time walking my 2 dogs, they see that I have time to do the school run or can wfh when I want. They see my lovely boyfriend who soes his best to support me. They don’t see the 15 hours days I put in. Or the calls I take on annual leave. Or the emergencies that come in at 1am. They don’t see that my life has made me independent to a point it’s, probably, damaging. That I don’t tell the lovely boyfriend that if it wasn’t for my kids, I think I would prefer to not be here. They don’t see that I have a huge front. They don’t see that all I want is someone to look after me. I am really good at being there for others. I know my best friend and my boyfriend want to be there for me, but I won’t let them. Even though I want it.

But I am lucky. I can pay my bills and have money left over. That’s more than a lot of people have who have had worse times. But sometimes it’s really distressing when people think you have a charmed life, because of what they see. The Joy I have comes from knowing I am giving my kids opportunities I didn’t have.

Like I said, only my best friend knows the list here.

I think generally yes, everyone does. Obviously some life events are more difficult to deal with than others but on the whole everyone gets dealt shit cards.
I know have an acquaintance who is very ‘woe is me’ and ‘it’s one thing after another’ on social media. But she’s talking about things like failing an MOT, washing machine breaking down, kids having a sickness bug - a pain in the arse by all means but they are things that do happen to everyone. But not everyone feels especially short changed or like they have especially bad luck because of these sorts of things. No is immune to those kind of events and most get through life without making a sad song of this sort of stuff.
I’m not saying this is you OP. Just my experience. I have another friend who just lost a family member, work are being really difficult and her child is genuinely very poorly and had to be taken to hospital. That’s really shit luck - but again can happen to anyone at any point. Life has not singled her out for this. And many others would have no idea as she doesn’t advertise it to everyone. As others have said, you never really know what people are going through behind closed doors.

That's a great post.

This post has really moved me. I wish you the best today 💐

I'm sure there are very few people in there his world that have sailed through life without any hardship and there are people out there that you'll look at and think they've had it easy. People do to me when they meet me because I don't share the utter shit show my life has been until you're a really trusted friend.

The friends you look at and think they're lucky might not tell you about poor mental health, miscarriages, abuse as children or bullying at school because lots of people tend to compartmentalise difficult things and are only affected by past events when triggered.

Of course there are a few people that have wonderful lives where they haven't experienced dreadful things happening to them but they will have lost relatives or had relationships which didn't work out so have been touched by what you deem to be unluckiness.

I've had a bad and very unlucky life and feel as though I definitely drew the short straw. My father was killed when I was four, mother and brother abused me so I was taken into care, foster parents abused and neglected me - foster mother used to torture me - foster brother raped me when I was nine, got knocked down by a car, sent back to live with abusive mother at age 11, bullied all through school, got away from abusive mother in early 20s, met first husband, lost a baby at five months, husband developed cancer and died a year later, got involved in bad relationship and had a baby, partner mentally abused me and tried to take child, child had adhd and pda and was a terrible struggle to raise. I met dh and we had a child, who has autism, I was bullied by neighbours and we had to move. Found out I am autistic in mid 40s then adhd at age 50. Mental and physical health now shattered, can't work and have constant worry about autistic child's future. I can't say I've ever been happy because there's always been something awful happening.

Everyone has hard times, undoubtedly. The range and severity of those times will vary.

The other key differentiator is resilience - I'm not necessarily talking about personal resilience, but all the buffers that can help cope eg having money / a support network / employment / educational opportunities / friends.

In some situations, difficult events can be alleviated by other things being in place, allowing you at least the chance to focus on that issue alone.

For example, after my abusive marriage ended, I was coping with 3 very small DC, no support, financial struggles. I was working in a professional role but childcare was a nightmare with no other help eg family. My time was consumed with just surviving, leaving no capacity to deal with the aftermath of my abusive ex & try to move on.

Gradually elements of this have improved. But I'm still very isolated & have almost no-one to talk to (have a great counsellor tho). I love my family but they've been shit. I'm in the middle of a difficult divorce and none of them know.

The posters who have written about people not knowing what is going on from looking at them resonates with me - it's very true for me. I look happy, capable & functional. No-one knows what I'm dealing with.

Aware of that being true for me, I always try to keep it in mind for others. Where I can, I ask people about themselves, and try to give them a chance to share, if they would like to.

I am also very conscious that for some people 'hard times' equates to unimaginable loss and trauma I have no idea of and hope not to, and that it can never be compared to challenges I might faced. Two friends have lost children in recent years; it's horrendous. One friend in particular keeps going, always busy, works, exercises - you'd never know, she only speaks infrequently about her loss. She just can't. When she does, the pain in her face is so heartbreaking to see.

I'm widely accepted in my friendship group as being the one who never gets a break. And not in a 'everyone has difficult times' kind of way, relentless, you couldn't make it up stuff. I feel like I'm going through life with both hands tied behind my back and blindfolded.
Pos saying it's to do with resilience and upbringing are really naive as to the shit some people go through.

I’ve got two friends who are both lovely, lovely women and both had “the perfect life.” Then one discovered her husband’s affair and the other lost her husband suddenly to an illness.

Both were/are financially comfortable, have healthy, bright children and never suffered a loss in their lives until these 2 moments.

My life in contrast has had a lot of loss and illness along with many tough times with money.

I think everyone suffers tough times at some point but some people have their lives peppered with hard times and others have them rarely. I don’t think it does anyone any good to compare or wonder about the charmed lives of others. At some point everyone of us has difficulties.

If people would be shocked to learn of the hard times you're facing then they could be sitting there and saying the same about you OP, that you're sailing through life etc.

I would try not to compare you life to anyone else's as you really do have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

We all go through good and bad times and it can be easy to end up in a negative mindset which then makes even the smaller things that happen seem worse which adds to the feeling of nothing going right.

This year in particular is a hard year for the majority in England with the cost of living crisis everyone has added struggles. People will likely freeze to death this winter.

It’s often said to try to shut people up but I do believe that there are people who sail though a charmed life (I know several) starting from birth by being born to into a loving relationship with mentally healthy, loving parents. ‘Hard times’ are relative.

I on the other hand am sure I’ve been cursed and can’t imagine a living life without constant bad luck.

Some of the stuff I’ve been through you couldn’t make up. From being abandoned by my father to be horrifically mentally and physically abused by my mentally ill mother, sexually abused by a same sex sibling, raped by my boss, finding out a much wanted child at 8 months into the pregnancy had a 1 in a million lethal abnormality despite having all the usual
prenatal testing and an amniocentesis, having a further two DC with totally unrelated disabilities, one just recently diagnosed with a life threatening one after years of unsuccessfully fighting for support for the other one, financial catastrophes popping up just when we think we’re comfortable. It’s never ending and certainly not due to mind concepts or bad choices.

I think there are two things you have to know about life.

Everyone will die someday and life is not fair.

We just have to look at the world to see that some people are having more hardships than others.

Obviously we don't know what is happening behind closed doors but some people have much easier lives.

The people who say that the hardships happen to everyone and it is just a matter of how you deal with it are very naive and take a look at for example Ukraine or the brothels with sex trafficking victims.

I can't think that way. We all have good times and bad times. Those who look like they have good times - you don't know what is around the corner. After the sudden loss of a child, I just consider those currently 'having it all' families as blissfully ignorant of how vulnerable their lives really are.

I'm so sorry for all the posters who have described here some truly horrific experiences. I hope you can find some peace at this time of year ❤️

Yes lost people have hard times in varying formats. Lots keep a lid on it and don’t share with others. I know my work colleagues think I have an amazing life. Amazing DH, DCs, financially well off, holiday home abroad, great at my job, well liked etc…
The reality is that my ‘D’H walked out on me a year ago, it’s been a living hell, I’m heartbroken, he has gone virtually NC with children.
People put on a front to survive

I'm so sorry @Nearlychristmas123 💐 that's really tough. My ex & DC have virtually no contact either, after his appalling treatment of them.

Another thing is that I found people who do know my situation still say startlingly oblivious things, when they are (in thus respect) in better positions - support, husband etc. For that reason I say even less to people about my situation

Some people are great at keeping a game face on. It’s resilience. They will be working/trying hard behind the scenes.

Of course if you are born into a richer family and well educated you will be cushioned from many things. However, everyone gets sick, feels bad and struggles at times.

The people who seem to get through life the best are those with boundless energy and enthusiasm. The extroverts. That doesn’t mean they don’t have problems, they just handle them better and turn every situation to their advantage.

I think everyone has their shit to deal with. It's just that you don't always know about it.

Yes everyone has hard times, I think the difference is some people just choose to work through it quietly and don't publicise it so nobody knows any different.

Like one of my family members you'd look at them and be like wow great house, great plot of land, good pensions, good long happy marriage, very happy etc etc but it took them years of shit (a good ten years and nearly a marriage breakdown) to get there they just never spoke about it, I only know as we're so close.

I have been told by more than one person that I'm lucky. And unlike a couple of posters above, who say they're going through stuff that no one knows about, I agree that I am lucky and have not yet experienced anything falling into the "really awful" category. I'm 48 so of course that could all change.

Depends on who you are. And who you know:
@antipodeancanary, wrote a list earlier:

lost a parent/sibling/grandparent/job/beloved pet? Had a horrible failed romance/ miscarriage/ ill health?
Who hasn't been a victim of sexual assault or bullying or some sort of discrimination?
How many are struggling with miserable minimum wage jobs and currently sitting in the cold, or struggling with stressful jobs that leave them unable to focus on anything else? How many are currently terrified of never finding a partner, or have just found a lump, or are stuck in violent relationships? How many are caring for special needs children or parents with dementia or covering up for siblings with addictions or have addictions themselves.

***

I fortunately haven't had any of those things. But I did have a massive problem 8 years ago, which had scarred me ever since.

But on a day to day we are ok, just get on with things. All our friends are similar, minor tiffles just get on with things.