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Original poster

Ex won't reply about kids help

32 replies

Helpwhatwouldyoudonext · 12/12/2022 19:59

Hi,
I divorced ExH almost seven yrs ago. Kids now just 16 and 12 this month.
He has blocked me on phone, WhatsApp and calls are declined.
Kids go EOW. I've asked about Xmas, when they're going etc but he won't respond. Usually they go on 26th. I've suggested (like last year) they go on 26th and stay for a week, but he won't reply.
What can / shall / should I do now?

OP posts:
Skyeheather · 12/12/2022 20:04

Ask the kids? Surely the 16 year old will have some idea?

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 12/12/2022 20:05

Assume they aren't going and plan away. His loss op.
Dc don't need a flakey fucker..

Stressfordays · 12/12/2022 20:06

At that age, the kids can sort the contact surely?

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Temporaryname158 · 12/12/2022 20:06

They stay with you until he can decide to reply and be civil

Coolcreature · 12/12/2022 20:07

Is he usually this controlling? It seems like this is exactly what he wants, you waiting to hear from him when he decides to grace you with his communication.

My advice, do nothing. Stop trying to contact him. Assume he isn't having the kids (because it hasnt been agreed) and carry on with what you're doing. Don't give him any mental headspace.

Kaffiene · 12/12/2022 20:07

My Ex is the same but my kids are different ages. What do you and the kids want to do? I would just go with that.

santasbushybeard · 12/12/2022 20:09

Do nothing. Don’t try and contact him again and make your own plans.

Is he still contacting the children via their phones?

GettingItOutThere · 12/12/2022 20:35

do nothing - keep the kids with you until he can be a mature adult about the situation

MintJulia · 12/12/2022 20:38

Temporaryname158 · 12/12/2022 20:06

They stay with you until he can decide to reply and be civil

This.

InSummertime · 12/12/2022 20:39

I would send him a letter / email / text stating that aren’t going until he communicates with you about times for drop offs and pick ups. Give him the number.
say dates need to be confirmed 6 weeks in advance in writing.
Also state that for emergency purposes he needs to respond to any text within 24 hours if he had them in his care.

Do the kids actually want to go ??

then stop ✋ ball is his court

StickyCricket · 12/12/2022 20:41

Is it going to drastically affect your plans, e.g. are you booking a holiday abroad for yourself from the 26th, something major that will be affected by the children being or not being there?

If no, then I simply wouldn’t text him about it again and the children stay with you.

I’m guessing he likes making you frustrated and it gives him a sense of control.

CarefreeMe · 12/12/2022 21:10

I’d ask the kids to message him and find out.

panko · 12/12/2022 21:13

So he hasn't got the kids at the moment you do?

If so just ask them to ask their dad next time they are there or they can message to ask him?

Original poster
Helpwhatwouldyoudonext · 12/12/2022 23:23

Thank you everyone - you've all said what I think is the right thing.
It is all about control, but it's SO FRUSTRATING! Eg, one year he said he was having them for two weeks in August. I booked five days abroad in a friend's flat. One week before he said he was only ever doing one week across the middle.
I did then say well tough tits then, and kids didn't go to him at all. It cost me a fortune in two extra flights to take them with me, as I wasn't losing my only chance at a holiday. And he STILL tells everyone that I stopped him taking the kids on holiday.

GRRR!

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpwhatwouldyoudonext · 12/12/2022 23:28

Eldest said Dad said they were staying with him for a week but he won't confirm with me.
I am at the point of saying 'no contact with me, no kids then' but that feels like a final straw.
Both are scared of his mood hoovering.
It's so wearing.
It's helpful to hear your experiences with bitter idiots. Can't reason with unreasonable.

OP posts:
ofmybloodyself · 13/12/2022 08:54

Nothing useful to add except solidarity. My ex is EXACTLY the same. Deliberate lack of communication to wind me up, changes agreements all the time, flatly denies agreements were ever in place even when they're in writing. You really can't reason with someone who refuses to be reasonable. Echo everyone else's advice. One last email ( if possible, or anywhere you've not been blocked), saying you're assuming he's not having them, and you will be making plans accordingly with them, unless you hear otherwise in the next 24 hours. Good luck😞

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 13/12/2022 11:19

Depending on the kids could the 16 yo text dad and ask when he wants them as they're making plans with friends? Leave you out of it if the issue is with you?

Leeds2 · 13/12/2022 11:41

DO the DC want to go? I think that would affect what I did.

Sartre · 13/12/2022 11:46

At 12 and 16 they can contact him and arrange when or even if they want to spend time with him, particularly the 16 year old. I don’t think you need much contact with him now they’re secondary school age and have their own phones. Just get them to ask if they’re staying over Christmas.

packedlunchlife · 13/12/2022 12:23

Sartre · 13/12/2022 11:46

At 12 and 16 they can contact him and arrange when or even if they want to spend time with him, particularly the 16 year old. I don’t think you need much contact with him now they’re secondary school age and have their own phones. Just get them to ask if they’re staying over Christmas.

This

Reugny · 13/12/2022 12:27

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 13/12/2022 11:19

Depending on the kids could the 16 yo text dad and ask when he wants them as they're making plans with friends? Leave you out of it if the issue is with you?

This.

The 16 year old needs to sort out their contact with their dad with firm dates unless they have some form of developmental delay.

FermisLeftFoot · 13/12/2022 12:29

I agree you can let them make the arrangements themselves at this age. Get them to text and suggest dates and ask dad for a reply when they are seeing him. He’ll have to either respond or ignore them and look like a right twat.

The good news is you are so nearly there!!! Not long now and you never have to speak to the bastard again for this sort of thing. I’ve got a similar co parent and it’s been brilliant to leave the arranging to my son now he is old enough. No mucking about, I organise when to drop him and pick him up with him and never speak to my ex. Bliss. ( it’s also been highly satisfying to watch the ex scramble around and be annoyed he can’t hold childcare arrangements over my head anymore). Hang in there!

Katapolts · 13/12/2022 12:30

I'd think about moving away from 'contact' and just letting the kids visit him when they want. Let home organise direct with them.

summergone · 13/12/2022 13:50

God my ex was like this , it's so so frustrating it's all about control . I would get the 16 year old to arrange contact and if you are planning to go away on his contact time have a back up plan if at all possible.

ofmybloodyself · 13/12/2022 17:03

The problem with letting the kids sort it out is that OP still has to hold off on making her own plans until she knows what's happening, as she will need to be available to look after the children (certainly the 12 year old) if the father lets them down. And that's where the bastards get to us, they know this and enjoy that control. Which is why I'd still be inclined to contact directly and give him 24 hrs to reply.

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