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Original poster

Ex won't reply about kids help

32 replies

Helpwhatwouldyoudonext · 12/12/2022 19:59

Hi,
I divorced ExH almost seven yrs ago. Kids now just 16 and 12 this month.
He has blocked me on phone, WhatsApp and calls are declined.
Kids go EOW. I've asked about Xmas, when they're going etc but he won't respond. Usually they go on 26th. I've suggested (like last year) they go on 26th and stay for a week, but he won't reply.
What can / shall / should I do now?

OP posts:
Reugny · 13/12/2022 17:08

ofmybloodyself · 13/12/2022 17:03

The problem with letting the kids sort it out is that OP still has to hold off on making her own plans until she knows what's happening, as she will need to be available to look after the children (certainly the 12 year old) if the father lets them down. And that's where the bastards get to us, they know this and enjoy that control. Which is why I'd still be inclined to contact directly and give him 24 hrs to reply.

Then she needs to make back up plans for the 12 year old, and let the 16 year old make their own plans.

The 16 year old will learn to be more organised if the only food left in the house is bread and some tinned food.

Sounds harsh but unreliable parents have been around for decades.

Coolcreature · 13/12/2022 20:47

I think the other issue with letting the children make their own plans whilst one of them is still quite young, is that if the father has a history of controlling/difficult behaviour, then there's a real risk he could use this in a really negative way "tell your mum I said blah blah blah" it then drags the children directly into his behaviour and puts the kids in the middle.

Dad then can make ridiculous suggestions and requests that mum will obviously turn down and dad can then say "your mum always says no when I ask to see you more" etc etc.

OP could you try a co-parenting app instead? If he would agree? There is then a shared calender on there. If he saw that you had marked on there that the children were with you that week, he might then realise that what he's doing isn't getting the results he wants. Obviously you know him better than us but I thought it was worth mentioning. The other thing with some of the apps is that all interactions are logged, phone calls (some even record the phonecall made through the app) so you'd have a record of all contact and attempted contact.

stbrandonsboat · 13/12/2022 21:08

Tell him you're planning on emigrating to Australia and the kids will obviously be going out there with you. Watch him flap 😉

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ofmybloodyself · 13/12/2022 23:08

@Reugny Hi, sorry, I'm not sure what you mean by back up plans for the 12 year old? And leave the 16 year old with little food in the house. Do you mean that she should assume their dad is having them and make her own plans that don't include the children regardless? If that's the case, lots of single parents don't have back up people for their 12 year olds.

Original poster
Helpwhatwouldyoudonext · 14/12/2022 00:28

Thanks again everyone. Had some kind of victory yesterday.
You're right, the just 16yo ends up in tears when she's asked to say / do anything. I don't want that.
So, last night I said she'd be going to stay with grandparents (miles from her friends) for a week over Xmas and Easter as I hadn't heard from dad. She moaned, I said I had no choice as her dad was ignoring me and I had to make plans, particularly if she wouldn't back me / ask on my behalf.
Late last night I got the following text: week at easter ok. No idea rest of year.
Clearly she'd been texting him, so I'm assuming Xmas week and I sent the breezy text back:
Great, at Easter if they stay with you after your weekend they'll be with you over the bank hol Easter Monday, for a week. That's 10th onwards.

Not expecting him to confirm or deny, but Grandad is prepared to have them for a week if on the fecking day before TwatFace says he can't do that week.

Grrrr and solidarity again! Seven flippin years, get over it!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpwhatwouldyoudonext · 14/12/2022 00:36

And the 12yo had trauma from him earlier this year when they started 'big school ' - they stopped wanting to go midweek as they had homework and a new bus etc.
Dad made a mahoosive drama about it, but I stuck by her and made her phone him on speakerphone on her phone to explain by herself, to own her decision. She was great, brave, crying, but was still nervous to go next EOW as he makes her feel sad for him. And he has a gf FFS!

If you've had a nasty wanker ex it's very hard to put your kids forward to be manipulated too. I want them to be able to handle him when they're older tho and I'm not there (can't wait). They didn't pick him, I did. Not their fault.

OP posts:
ofmybloodyself · 14/12/2022 12:33

God, @Helpwhatwouldyoudonext, literally every word you speak is so familiar to me. I even call him TwatFace as his default nickname! And yes, they get a new girlfriend but just cannot let go of that anger and need to control and punish. It speaks of their very fragile self esteem that they can't quite cope with a woman walking away from them and all the humiliation that comes with it.

Well done on sorting it as best you can. I have a DC similar age who no longer wants to do mid week but is also too scared to say it to their dad. And I've said that I will back them but they have to do it themselves as he will otherwise accuse me of manipulating them into it and refuse to allow it. People who suggest calling these men's bluff just don't get it. It's never that easy because they are so wildly unreasonable.

Hope you have a wonderful Christmas 💐

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