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Original poster

Beloved item probably lost by DSis... Totally gutted. Please help me feel better.

32 replies

GeoffWode · 12/12/2022 16:10

I lent my sis a beautiful Toddlerhawk (baby-carrier for toddlers) a few years ago. I have so many lovely memories attached to it, and was very clear that I wanted it back when she was finished. I imagined passing it on to my kids if they ever have babies. Anyway, her little ones are all too big for it now, so I've asked for it back. She's lent it to someone and doesn't know if she can get it back. She's making noises about getting in touch with them and/or looking through boxes in her house, but reading between the lines I'm pretty sure she knows it's gone.

I'm so bloody sad and annoyed about this. I've kept very few mementos from my kids' early years, and this was something I cherished. I made this all clear when I lent it to her.

I feel like an idiot for trusting her to keep it and return it.

OP posts:

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 12/12/2022 16:12

I’m sure this is upsetting for you as it meant a lot to you. You are allowed to grieve for it.

Meaning this kindly though, it’s just an object. Ultimately your hopes for it may not have even have been fulfilled. Next time, the lesson is never to lend anything if you can’t live with the v real possibility of it getting lost.

Mouthfulofquiz · 12/12/2022 16:13

Well she needs to start racking her brains to get it back for you! I’d be annoyed about this.

Spambod · 12/12/2022 16:15

That’s gutting op. I would keep pressing her quite hard to find it and in the mean time you may have to prepare yourself for trying to get a replacement instead and needless to say never let your sister borrow anything again. Over time it will mean less. It is just an object and the loss will lessen over time.

hugefanofcheese · 12/12/2022 16:16

Could you ask for the person's phone no to ask for it back yourself?

If it's gone and you were clear that it was to be returned then it's shitty of her not to have been more careful, she should have asked before lending it.

Either way though, you still have all of the attached memories. Those aren't gone.

endofthelinefinally · 12/12/2022 16:18

Many years ago I lost almost everything I owned. It was very hard and very distressing. But it was a learning experience. I think, as you say, you have to accept that it has gone. Never lend her anything else.

Winter2020 · 12/12/2022 16:19

I'm sorry you are sad and disappointed. The memories are of a time and place when this object was useful to you - it isn't needed by you now.

Don't lend anything sentimental. Even if you got it back I expect you would be disappointed because of wear and tear or it being dirty.

I think the chance of your kids wanting your baby stuff in 20 years plus is crazily small. The buckles etc might havd become brittle znd unsafe anyway. They'll want their own stuff and make their own special memories just like you did.

You still had great times out with your toddlers and the loss of this carrier does not alter that at all.

VioletLemon · 12/12/2022 16:20

I can understand your sadness at the loss, although it's an object it's amazing how much attachment and emotional significance we can place in them.

I lost an item from my late Mum's home which I had a deep attachment to. I felt sad and angry for 8 years. It became ridiculous. I realised it was symbolic of the grief process and the actual loss.

Is this item something from your first child or your last child, perhaps you instilled significance into it and felt a loss of your child's babyhood as they grew. Maybe you were aware those were the last days you'd be able to carry your DC like this.

The healthiest course of action is to deal with your feelings around your DC growing up and see the item as nothing more than fabric and clips, if any!

Get some photos of your DC as a baby, toddler and now and make a lovely display to enjoy and reinforce your happiness in your relationship.

jellybeanteaparty · 12/12/2022 16:24

Do you have photos of yourself wearing it? I have rebought things second hand that we had as children as my parents were very quick to get rid of things and they still help spark happy memories even if they are not the orginal

sevenbyseven · 12/12/2022 16:26

It's a shame, and wrong of your sister, but honestly in 30 years time your kids probably won't want to use it and you won't feel as sentimental about it anymore anyway.

PattyDuke · 12/12/2022 16:30

I understand you are upset and the item meant a lot to you. I wonder if your sister really understood the significance of the carrier as it is a very serviceable item, likely to get a bit damaged day to day, splattered in baby sick etc. Like a pp said your own children really would not be interested in it - fashions will change. I would think about putting together some things for your children that will stand the test of time - my Mum passed to me my Christening gown which I used for my own child - or something similar. Forgive your sister and let it go.

Choconut · 12/12/2022 16:37

If your children are young and it wouldn't be used for another 20 years then perhaps it's better that someone else is using it right now? By the time your kids have kids maybe it will just look very dated and not be something they want at all. It's rude and upsetting that Dsis didn't ask you before lending it out though.

6poundshower · 12/12/2022 16:47

Are you sure she hasn't sold it?

zurala · 12/12/2022 16:49

Those saying it would date don't seem to know what it is. It's based on a traditional fabric carrier, so it won't date.

Your sister should never have lent it to someone and owes you a huge apology. I would be gutted too. She needs to give you the details of the person she lent it to do you can try to get it back. I wouldn't be able to just leave it without trying to track it down.

I once sold my first ever sling, because I had better ones, but I regretted it so much I bought another the same then contacted the woman I'd sold mine to and we did a swap. She completely understood why I was emotionally attached to it.

Divebar2021 · 12/12/2022 16:50

There was a thread recently about someone who had been offered her DHs old cot. The OP had not seen it but didn’t want it because it was old and she wanted new. Although it’s bloody annoying that your Dsis should lose this item you have slightly created this fantasy where you have over this heirloom and everyone is so sentimental and appreciative where as the reality may be that they turn their noses up (in the nicest possible way) because it’s not modern or doesn’t have the safety features that they want.

Iamnotausername · 12/12/2022 17:00

Pretty much the only thing I kept from when my daughter was young is her carrier so I get it.

It's also pretty rubbish of your sister.

It is only a "thing" though. Your memories are not dependent on it and there's no guarentee that it wouldn't get destroyed by damp or moths or something when in storage anyway.

I know from experience to never lend anything that I would be upset about if I didn't get it back.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 12/12/2022 17:06

Would it comfort you to buy another if you can't get this one back?

If the answer to that is 'no' then consider why that is - it is the memories attached to the item, not the item itself that you want to cherish. You have not lost the memories, all you have lost is a mass-produced item.

If the answer is 'yes' - then buy another one.

Delectable · 12/12/2022 17:11

If she lent it to someone she can ask for it back. If she gave it as a gift she can apologise and give them something else in replacement but if she's sold it on FB or eBay might be better if you think of it as given away and can't be retrieved. 🤕

TerraNostra · 12/12/2022 17:12

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 12/12/2022 17:06

Would it comfort you to buy another if you can't get this one back?

If the answer is 'yes' - then buy another one.

I love this. Thank you, it has helped me with losing something myself.

CPL593H · 12/12/2022 17:19

Parents dead, so I currently have quite a lot of stuff, my christening gown and first little dress, various first shoes, locks of hair, my brothers reins, clothes and a shawl from when my sister was little. My brother and sister sensibly can't be bothered and I can't quite bring myself to get rid of them so am stuck as Official Custodian. None of these things are even vaguely usable, there is a mysterious stain from my christening on the robe that has proved impossible to get out (apparently)

Oh and death notifications and grave deeds. Lots of grave deeds.

OP, I can imagine you're upset and your sister shouldn't have lent it without permission. Why not buy some nice thing(s) that really remind you of your kids when little that you can treasure or start a fund to buy them what they need when they have their own children? It will go down much better than a decades old carrier, however understandably special it was to you.

Original poster

GeoffWode · 12/12/2022 17:23

Thank you for your kind words...I'm digesting them! Some of what's being said is making me feel better (it is just a thing, and I do still have the memories), but other bits are just fanning the flames! It was custom made (so unique and irreplaceable), and it was also pretty much indestructible (no clips or anything, just very robust fabric), and even if my kids didn't want it in the future, I would have kept it as a special memento. Ugh.

I love my sis to bits, but I'm so pissed off that she didn't look after it (having been expressly told that I love it and want it back). I only lent it to her cos I love her so much and wanted to share the loveliness of this thing. Would never have lent it to anyone else! As I'm typing this, I'm realising that I feel hurt that she's treated my feelings so casually, not just the carrier!

OP posts:

Original poster

GeoffWode · 12/12/2022 17:28

And FWIW I was given some special things from my Mum to use with my babies, and I absolutely treasured them (hand-knitted jumpers, moses basket). It was incredibly touching for me to see my babies in the things that I / my siblings had as babies. I honestly do think that this carrier would have been one of those things (if my kids have babies, which I know is not a given!)

OP posts:

catandcoffee · 12/12/2022 17:30

OP it's so much worse when it's someone you'd trust with your life.
I had something similar happen to me with a sister.....I still hold a slight grudge 15 years later 😁

Notanotherone6 · 12/12/2022 17:37

It's a baby carrier and, from personal experience, not a great one. You gave it away so you can't expect it back in the same condition (or at all). If it was that sentimental you should have kept it.

If your kids have kids, they'll probably prefer to choose their own anyway.

Original poster

GeoffWode · 12/12/2022 17:42

Notanotherone6 · 12/12/2022 17:37

It's a baby carrier and, from personal experience, not a great one. You gave it away so you can't expect it back in the same condition (or at all). If it was that sentimental you should have kept it.

If your kids have kids, they'll probably prefer to choose their own anyway.

That's your experience though. I took my kids on some incredible walking adventures with it, and absolutely loved using it. I didn't give it away, I lent it (and was crystal clear about wanting it back). And if it had been returned in a worse condition, I would genuinely have been okay with that, and would have had pleasure from thinking it had been on more adventures. It was of great sentimental value, but I trusted dsis to cherish it (or just give it back to me if she wasn't bothered about it).

OP posts:

diddl · 12/12/2022 18:46

Why didn't you ask for it sooner?

I wonder if she has actually ruined it & thrown it away?

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