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Original poster

Need an Irish perspective

45 replies

YorkshireIndie · 11/12/2022 22:28

Need an Irish perspective after an argument with my H. My FIL told me 'not to worry, grandparent's probably won't die as it is past flu season' and now refuses to apologise because he did not mean to offend 🙄
According to my H this is an common way Irish talk about death and disease

Is this normal or is my FIL (and H) being an arse?

As a side note this was said earlier in the year and surprise surprise my grandfather died a couple of months later (not from flu)

OP posts:
Original poster
YorkshireIndie · 11/12/2022 22:29

Just to add that should read my grandparents probably won't die this year

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 11/12/2022 22:30

I'm English. I wouldn't find this offensive in England.

PlasticSheetingRTÉNews · 11/12/2022 22:30

I’m Irish and have no idea what you’re on about.

Are you upset that your FIL tried to reassure you that your grandparents wouldn’t imminently die of flu?

Cheeeeislifenow · 11/12/2022 22:31

I'm Irish....don't understand the context but doesn't seem wildly offensive. Its an odd thing to say though. I wouldn't seek an apology for it months later

Reasonablereasonableness · 11/12/2022 22:32

I don't understand why this would be offensive? Or was it the idea that saying something makes it happen?

Notanotherusername4321 · 11/12/2022 22:32

I don’t follow?

you’re upset because fil said your grandparents probably won’t die because flu season is over, but then one did?

but then you say your GP aren’t dead?

or are you upset he mentioned death at all?

i don’t think there’s anything to get upset over or to apologise for. Death and illness should be discussed more.

CrapBucket · 11/12/2022 22:33

I'm half Irish, half English... I don't understand this at all.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 11/12/2022 22:34

Assuming this was said in context, and not something your FIL came
up with out of the blue, I don’t see what’s offensive. I’m English, btw.

OwlingAround · 11/12/2022 22:38

It seems a fairly blunt thing to say, but not outrageous. I don’t know if it has anything to do with being Irish, though?!

Although my parents are Irish and they do talk about death a lot and in a very matter of fact way. My Dad loves to phone me up and tell me about who has died recently in the local area, who has a terminal illness, who’s going up to Dublin for cancer treatment, that a fella he went to school with was on the death announcements on the radio etc.

Original poster
YorkshireIndie · 11/12/2022 22:38

It might be the way he said it or how I am writing it.

I had picked up the phone when he had called and we were talking and I mentioned that my grandparents had been ill and now were hopefully on the mend. He then said not to worry they probably won't die this year because we are out of flu season. I found this upsetting as it had been very hard with my grandparents tag teaming each other with hospital stays and when it was raised he refused to apologise. My grandfather did then die a couple of months later after falling and breaking his neck.
It is interesting to see what others are saying.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 11/12/2022 22:40

Not Irish but spend a lot of time in Ireland.

I don’t think this is anything to do with being Irish nor in anyway offensive. It is however a bit nuts that it’s still on your mind 9 months after he said it.

AnImaginaryCat · 11/12/2022 22:41

You might need to expand this out a bit. I mean, where you fretting about your grandparents dying a flu? Or did he just randomly phone you, say "not to worry, your grandparents probably won't die as it is past flu season" then hang up.

First one is fine, he's reassuring and probably has little to do with his being Irish.

Second one is a bit random, and not particularly an Irish thing.

Neither is something offensive and unlikely to have caused your grandfather ls death. (I say, unsure why his dying warrants a "suprise, suprise".

DuplicateUserName · 11/12/2022 22:41

YorkshireIndie · 11/12/2022 22:38

It might be the way he said it or how I am writing it.

I had picked up the phone when he had called and we were talking and I mentioned that my grandparents had been ill and now were hopefully on the mend. He then said not to worry they probably won't die this year because we are out of flu season. I found this upsetting as it had been very hard with my grandparents tag teaming each other with hospital stays and when it was raised he refused to apologise. My grandfather did then die a couple of months later after falling and breaking his neck.
It is interesting to see what others are saying.

Half Irish and I still don't get the problem?

MysweetAudrina · 11/12/2022 22:42

Sounds like he was just trying to reassure you that they would be ok. Not that he would know of course but just one of those platitudes that someone comes out with when they want someone to feel better about a situation that they have no control over. I'm Irish and not sure what he did wrong. The not apologising bit might be a Irish trait though but I'm not sure what he should be apologising for.

DubLynn · 11/12/2022 22:42

I think it was a joke but I'm not sure the Irish bit is relevant. Sounds like someone putting a positive spin on a tough situation. Sarcasm isn't the right word because sarcasm is usually mean but can’t think of the word to describe that sense of humour.

Pixiedust1234 · 11/12/2022 22:46

What exactly are you upset about? Him talking about death, or saying they will be fine when one actually died or ...?

Your FIL conversation seems entirely normal, but you asking for an apology is very weird.

MarshaMelrose · 11/12/2022 22:48

He's just trying to reassure you. He didn't say anything to apologise over. I think you're being unreasonable.

TooBigForMyBoots · 11/12/2022 22:48

I think you were being hypersensitive at a fraught time @YorkshireIndie and it's no wonder.Thanks

What did you think when he said it?

JenniferBarkley · 11/12/2022 22:50

Another Irish poster who's confused. It's a slightly weird thing to say but not offensive. I don't think your grandparent having an unrelated accident months later changes that.

SueD1 · 11/12/2022 22:51

Irish here; I think he was trying to reassure you. Don’t think he said anything wrong 🤷‍♀️

SirVixofVixHall · 11/12/2022 22:51

YorkshireIndie · 11/12/2022 22:38

It might be the way he said it or how I am writing it.

I had picked up the phone when he had called and we were talking and I mentioned that my grandparents had been ill and now were hopefully on the mend. He then said not to worry they probably won't die this year because we are out of flu season. I found this upsetting as it had been very hard with my grandparents tag teaming each other with hospital stays and when it was raised he refused to apologise. My grandfather did then die a couple of months later after falling and breaking his neck.
It is interesting to see what others are saying.

This seems a pretty normal thing to say, he was trying to be reassuring.
I certainly don’t think it is offensive at all.

JetBlackSteed · 11/12/2022 22:55

I'm Irish, I don't think he said anything offensive. Your grandad falling after was unrelated and a tragic accident.
I'm sorry for your loss.

OutFortheBirds · 11/12/2022 22:56

I don’t wish to offend you, but might help from an outside perspective: From here it looks like you’re obsessing and looking to be offended.
I don’t think it’s warmest thing to have said, but certainly not something to take on board the way you have and still be troubled months later. Might you be annoyed at him for something else?

SnackyOnassis · 11/12/2022 22:57

Also Irish, also don't see anything to be offended by here. It's a practical observation, really, and it's highly unlikely that your FIL would have predicted the nature of your grandfather's death. Sorry to hear of it, by the way, it sounds like it's shaken you.
I suppose the only part where his being Irish is relevant is where you say he's refused to apologise; if he doesn't believe that he has said anything to offend you, he won't offer a meaningless apology. My dad is the same; if he's in the wrong, he'll apologise and mean it, but he won't ever say sorry falsely, lightly or for something that isn't directly his fault or in his control. I guess that's not necessarily an exclusively Irish trait, but in my experience it's common in Irish men.

Cleanthatup · 11/12/2022 23:00

Irish here too and we can be very matter of fact about things. My FIL often says things like this about my grandmother who’s 96! He means no harm, it’s just how he chats - straight to the point.