Need an Irish perspective

[YorkshireIndie]

Need an Irish perspective after an argument with my H. My FIL told me 'not to worry, grandparent's probably won't die as it is past flu season' and now refuses to apologise because he did not mean to offend 🙄
According to my H this is an common way Irish talk about death and disease

Is this normal or is my FIL (and H) being an arse?

As a side note this was said earlier in the year and surprise surprise my grandfather died a couple of months later (not from flu)

I think he was trying to reassure you but was clumsy about it, being Irish doesn't seem to be relevant. I wouldn't be holding a grudge about it.

It is the older Irish persons way of reasurring you. Do not worry about it. My own parents (we are all Irish living in Ireland) say shit like this all the time and genuinely think they are helping.

he refused to apologise
For what?

English, living in Ireland. Only thing kind of relevant is that death is much more spoken about and matter of fact in Ireland, so that may be where your husband's comment is coming from.

I mean, my reply to you would have probably been 'Oh I hope they're better soon'. But really, the reality of it is, we're most probably talking about about elderly grandparents of yours who are possibly quite vulnerable. My MIL and FIL (Irish) will sometimes make comments along the lines of holidays next year, 'if we're still alive' and talking about their wishes once they die (both very fit, active and healthy). It sometimes makes me uncomfortable, but I completely see that as my problem, not theirs, as I know I've never been around people who discuss death in such a matter of fact way.

I can't understand why you went looking for an apology in the first place- that's probably caused quite a bit of friction between you, DH and FIL, all for a very matter-of-fact comment that was most certainly meant well, but came across in a different way to you.

The Irish generally are very matter of fact about death. He probably didn’t mean to offend. Move on.

I'm struggling to see how you have managed to find offense in this. He told you he thought they would be grand for this year. Presumably they are old as you are an adult and they are your grandparents so that seems a fine thing to sa. He told you not to worry about them but isn't trying to pretend they will live forever.

This. It’s exactly the sort of thing my family members would say, we’re very open about death/disease etc. You’re being really sensitive and asking for an apology is so ridiculous.

Irish here too and trying to grasp what the issue is.

Did he insinuate that they won't die of flu, but that doesn't mean they wont die soon? Sort of, "Well at least flu won't kill them"? Was that it?

I’m Irish, I think he was trying to reassure you.. more like the worst is over now. My condolences on your loss..

I'm Irish and don't see this as particularly Irish.

I suspect he was trying to reassure you. Something as simple as a flu or pneumonia can be every serious to someone with an already compromised immune system. He was trying to comfort you.

Also Irish and not seeing the offensiveness. I'm sure he meant well but perhaps his phrasing was a tad blunt. I don't think it's worth looking an apology over. Sorry about your grandfather, it's clearly been a tricky time for you.

@YorkshireIndie YABU and possibly prejudiced against your Irish FIL.

Definitely trying to reassure you.

My Irish Mil claimed to see my dead father standing in our sitting room on Christmas Eve one year. My recently widowed mother took it in her stride. People sometimes get it wrong when they try and talk about death and dying especially to the grieving or those worried about losing someone which is why I think intent is really important. Unless you think he was actively cursing them (poppets perhaps) why would you be offended?

I think we need this as a new topic 'An Irish perspective' I. E. No nonsense

I'm Irish, can't see this as offensive or something to apologise for. I can understand those this was a stressful time for you and a very tragic way for grandfather to pass so it is quite normal to feel quite cross and upset at usually innocuous things like a passive comment because you want to be mad about death and dying but it's impossible. It's a grieving process. Treat yourself with kindness but don't take it out on FIL either. It's perfectly ok to say I took this the wrong way and it still hurts on some level, I don't understand why, but I don't hold it against you.

I could definitely see the issue if he had said the reverse though.

I think if you ever read posts on the Irish parenting boards* - well parenting boards of old (magicmum) I never bothered with the 'new' one is (can't recall the name but think it's a bit sappy) just presuming it's a mental at times too You'll know "irish perspective" and "no nonsense" doesn't relate 🤣

*Also see politics.ie and boards.ie from what small bit I've observed

I'm from the UK, and I really can't see what your FIL has done that you think he needs to apologise for? Surely he was just trying to comfort and reassure you? It turned out that your grandfather sadly died anyway in an accident, how would he know about that?

Unless you just haven't explained very well?

Tis very sappy and yet I log in every day lol Or at least until it has been sold anyway... Heymammy is the name of it just fyi. I do miss magicmum but looking forward to whatever HM becomes once the owner has finished spitting her dummy out.
I dont have the stomach for boards.ie though.

I remember my Nana (who died about 50 years ago) coming round to tell my mum Mrs such-and -such had died and they would sit gleefully gossiping about who would pop off next. I think it's probably an age thing.

I’m from an Irish family, I agree with others about death being spoken about much more matter of factly. That being said, I don’t think what your FIL said was offensive, but I understand you will be full of emotions given the fact they’ve been unwell x