Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I can’t go to my DBros wedding and I’m gutted

43 replies

MissingTheWedding · 11/12/2022 19:32

It’s 250 miles away from where we all live on a weekday which I will need a day either side for travel. I can’t take DC out of school as they have under 90% attendance due to medical conditions meaning they need to go to appointments; I’ve been warned if they miss school for any reason without a doctors note to back it up I will be fined and I’ll have to pay ExHs fine too as that’s the agreement we have.

I’m a single parent, ExH will not have DC in the week at all not even for tea. His contact is court ordered and he was offered weekday contact in court and refused it. If I ask him to have DC for a couple of days he just says no, he has his time with DC and he doesn't want anymore.

My only other childcare option will be at the wedding (my mum).

So I can’t go as I can’t afford to bring DC with me and have no-one to look after them so I can go.

DBro is gutted as well, we’re close and he wanted me there but he understands. They went for the 250 miles away as it’s the cheapest they’ve found, and they just want to get it over with.

I’m just letting off steam here, I feel sad I won’t see my brother marry, he was at my wedding. My parents are also a bit upset as they wanted some photos of the 3 of us (me, DBro and DC – my parents aren’t together anymore so don’t want photos of each other).

Wedding is in January so I don’t expect theres much I can do now apart from feel sad. I’ve asked for a photo from the day and to take them out to celebrate with DC when I can afford it.

OP posts:
MolesOnPoles · 11/12/2022 19:34

That’s shit, I’m sorry. I’d have my kids’ friends to stay if I knew this was happened - are there school parents you could ask?

Bullshot · 11/12/2022 19:34

Your DBro can expect fewer guests will be able to attend as it’s a weekday wedding . And it’s a long distance to travel

Original poster
MissingTheWedding · 11/12/2022 19:36

MolesOnPoles · 11/12/2022 19:34

That’s shit, I’m sorry. I’d have my kids’ friends to stay if I knew this was happened - are there school parents you could ask?

@MolesOnPoles DC is uncomfortable staying anywhere other than home or ExHs they've even refused camps with Scouting so no-one to ask my mum would usually stay at mine to look after DC in their own home.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Y7drama · 11/12/2022 19:36

could any of your dc’s friends have them?

Y7drama · 11/12/2022 19:36

Sorry, cross post.

Bananarama21 · 11/12/2022 19:37

Your dbro booked a venue over 250 miles away from everyone in January? I can't imagine many making the journey that far just after Christmas. Surely there's plenty of cheaper local options.

Original poster
MissingTheWedding · 11/12/2022 19:37

Bullshot · 11/12/2022 19:34

Your DBro can expect fewer guests will be able to attend as it’s a weekday wedding . And it’s a long distance to travel

@Bullshot DBro and SIL to be aren't bothered about who goes, they really wanted me and SILs siblings there but understand if we can't make it and are going ahead anyway.

OP posts:
Y7drama · 11/12/2022 19:37

Do you have any friends that could stay at yours for one night, so the dc’s can stay at home?

PermanentTemporary · 11/12/2022 19:38

Ah that's really hard. Hope you can meet up another time soon and take some nice pics, maybe dress up a bit.

Bananarama21 · 11/12/2022 19:41

If they werent bothered but wanted you there they could have gone to the registery office and then out for a meal at a restaurant. Dh cousin did this. They have chosen a weekday wedding 25 miles away in January. They haven't remotely considered any guests.

Spliffle · 11/12/2022 19:42

Could he do a video link so you could at least see the vows live?

CantFindTheBeat · 11/12/2022 19:45

Have you approached the school and pleaded your case?

Sounds like It's definitely worth asking the school if they will allow it as authorised absence.

They might not, but asking via a meeting I person,, in a polite and appropriate way, might pay off?

Original poster
MissingTheWedding · 11/12/2022 19:47

CantFindTheBeat · 11/12/2022 19:45

Have you approached the school and pleaded your case?

Sounds like It's definitely worth asking the school if they will allow it as authorised absence.

They might not, but asking via a meeting I person,, in a polite and appropriate way, might pay off?

@CantFindTheBeat Very unlikely to be authorised, Headteacher is lovely but says she has to follow the rules/law with authorising stuff even if she'd personally still go/take her DC out of school for it.

Plus it was Education Welfare who told me I'd be fined, so I doubt it's up to the school anyway.

OP posts:
Theydoyaknow · 11/12/2022 20:00

That really sucks, I'm sorry OP.

justgettingthroughtheday · 11/12/2022 20:10

Could you drive down late the night before the wedding. So pick DS straight from school and go. Then drive back straight after the wedding and be home in time for school the next day.

Failing that is DS likely to say anything? How old is DS? Is he old enough to understand not to say anything at school about the wedding? If so I would call him in sick with D&V. The doctor won't want to see him for that!

Original poster
MissingTheWedding · 11/12/2022 20:16

justgettingthroughtheday · 11/12/2022 20:10

Could you drive down late the night before the wedding. So pick DS straight from school and go. Then drive back straight after the wedding and be home in time for school the next day.

Failing that is DS likely to say anything? How old is DS? Is he old enough to understand not to say anything at school about the wedding? If so I would call him in sick with D&V. The doctor won't want to see him for that!

@justgettingthroughtheday It's education welfare who've told me that I need a doctors note not school so I'll get fined I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissingTheWedding · 11/12/2022 20:17

justgettingthroughtheday · 11/12/2022 20:10

Could you drive down late the night before the wedding. So pick DS straight from school and go. Then drive back straight after the wedding and be home in time for school the next day.

Failing that is DS likely to say anything? How old is DS? Is he old enough to understand not to say anything at school about the wedding? If so I would call him in sick with D&V. The doctor won't want to see him for that!

@justgettingthroughtheday Wedding is middle of the day, so DC would still miss a day of school if i went down the day before and came back after therefore still a fine.

I've resigned myself to not going.

OP posts:
CarefreeMe · 11/12/2022 20:29

This is really gutting but your brother chose to get married so far away on a week day, so it was inevitable that many people couldn’t come including you who has children.
So I wouldn’t feel too bad.

Imogensmumma · 11/12/2022 20:35

I wouldn’t feel bad either, your DB and soon to be SIL are CF’s making it a weekday far away so they can save money.

I’d rather a registry office and pub lunch with my sister and nephew as opposed to a cheap fancy place with no one in attendance

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/12/2022 20:38

Disappointing for you, absolutely.

It’s a really selfish shit plan for a wedding, January, hundreds of miles away, midweek?! If you just want to get married without fuss but include important family you have a simple ceremony and a meal and you check with people who matter that they can make it.

If those people are or have school age kids you don’t do it during the week. When you got married did you book it then tell your immediate family or chat with them first?

I can see why your mum is upset but don’t take any crap off your brother, he’s the one who’s made this impossible for you.

Brenna24 · 11/12/2022 20:39

My in-laws all live in Italy and flew over for our wedding. SIL was unlucky enough to catch chicken pox just beforehand and couldn't fly. We managed to set up a video link and had a laptop at the church and party. It wasn't the same, obviously, but at least she could see and listen in to what was going on.

Original poster
MissingTheWedding · 11/12/2022 20:42

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/12/2022 20:38

Disappointing for you, absolutely.

It’s a really selfish shit plan for a wedding, January, hundreds of miles away, midweek?! If you just want to get married without fuss but include important family you have a simple ceremony and a meal and you check with people who matter that they can make it.

If those people are or have school age kids you don’t do it during the week. When you got married did you book it then tell your immediate family or chat with them first?

I can see why your mum is upset but don’t take any crap off your brother, he’s the one who’s made this impossible for you.

@AnneLovesGilbert When I got married to my now ExH we did it on a Sunday afternoon at the local registry office, then hired a hall out nearby and did a buffet with a DJ, cost under £3k for everything and the only people who couldn't come was a cousin who was working abroad and my great aunt who was in hospital (and has since died). My parents, DC, DBro and Ex-ILs were all there.

OP posts:
AbreathofFrenchair · 11/12/2022 20:58

So he really wants you and your children at his wedding and isn't bothered about anyone else going, so to make it cheaper, has picked a midweek venue 250 miles way that you can't attend?!

What's cheaper 250 miles away?

Registry office and a meal after would be cheap, why didn't he do that?

SomeBeings · 11/12/2022 20:59

Is it a very small wedding?

You brother isn't too fussed so why not plan an alternative celebration with him, his new wife and your parents. Weddings aren't that big a deal for some people.

Do you think there might be a chance that your brother and new wife didn't want your kids at the wedding?

heldinadream · 11/12/2022 21:00

Is it really 250 miles away because it's so much cheaper? Seems a bit daft to me, especially with it excluding you. Surely costs could have been cut more intelligently.
It's sad that you can't go but you sound like you know what you're doing OP. Not so sure your DB does though!