The relentlessness of lone parenting

[Tunnocks2022]

I don’t want advice. I just want to say that I find lone parenting relentless and exhausting, and to feel heard.

I've just had 4 Ferrero rocher and a S&V crisp sandwich.

I don't know why I felt the need to list ALL THE THINGS. You know what they are.

Oh shitting hell. The Elves. I forgot the elves.

Not a lone parent and want to say I hear you. I find the responsibility of having children absolutely crushing and the only salvation to my mental health is knowing there is another adult in it with me.

You are amazing, and your DC is/are so lucky to have you.

@Tunnocks2022y I'm a widow too with two teenagers and I think it's the mental burden that is the hardest. At least when my husband was around, if one of the teens kicked off, we would retreat to the bedroom and raise our eyebrows, laugh about the situations we would find ourselves in, and emerge with a plan to deal with it all. On your own it is hard not to let their troubles become your troubles, and I often think schools, MH services, drs, forget there's just you to attend appointments or parents evenings or pick up prescriptions, it's just quite relentless. I hear you and send hugs.

Joining in ... I've been sick this week (unusual for me) and trying to keep going was really hard. I find the Christmas period hard, although I really like Christmas. But it seems so much for 1 person to do, money is a worry & it feels like there's no adult to think about me.

YES!! Thank you for hearing me. How I hate being bad cop and, er, bad cop because there’s no other adult here. I’m gutted I’ve been doing this alone since DC were 5 and 7 (and DH was ill by the time youngest was one). DH was a flipping excellent dad and our lives would be infinitely better if he was here.

Oh well. Whinge over. Sending solidarity. I can hear the cat doing something ridiculous downstairs so off to investigate

Oh hope you are feeling much better, there’s no time to be ill, is there? Yes I do still like Christmas too and do try to hang on to that (I don’t mark the day DH died though I’m aware of it - DC’s aren’t, they were so young and we mark his birthday)

I hear you op. Amd when theres been a bad/ busy/ tiring/week you're I'll, you then have to employ EVEN MORE energy to try and get things back on track. My house descends into chaos so quickly! And yes I hear you on the staying up for headspace thing too, then ending up even more tired the next day!!
I feel.guilty for wishing their childhoods away (2 teens her now) but I also cannot wait for some proper rest!

FYI I am nailing it today, just served hot choc to nine kids 🤣 now they’ve gone back to play in the snow on the green around the corner. A good morning ❄️😊

Well done @Tunnocks2022 you are top mum now

Well done @Tunnocks2022

I'm new to the widow malarkey @Buteverythingsfine and Tunnocks but I'm really feeling everything you say. Two teenagers and a pre-teen, still recovering from caring for DH for 4 years. Dreading having to go back to work

Bless you, sending love. You will continue to do amazing thing, because you have to, but I wish you had an easier ride.

They’ve had cheese toasties too now, I’m bossing it 🤣

Loving seeing my eldest building a massive snow sculpture with a girl I’m sure he’s never met before 😀

Yes, I'm 18 years in as a lone parent.

@PlantPhoenix it's a hard road, I can't say anything else but you will just keep going, miraculously, because you have to! One thing I didn't realise is how long it would take me to recover physically and mentally from being a carer for many years, I kind of thought once I had more time to myself I would pick up my career and social life more naturally, I was exhausted by that point and I would say that recovering has taken a long while. That said, I've had times I've been acing it (9 kids for hot chocolate style) and times where I haven't. I feel I've turned a corner quite recently in being able to see the whole thing at a longer distance rather than being in the middle of the crisis. Let your friends and family help if they offer and be terribly kind to yourself. Being two parents in one person is hard, doubly so if the other one has just died, so be supportive of yourself in very basic nurturing ways (eat good food, take vitamins, don't be too proud to accept help, realise you aren't a supermum whatever people outside say).

I hear you loud and clear Mamma. Fellow exhausted lone Mamma 👋 feel free to message me for moral support if required

I hear you. Its relentless. 3 kids two with sen. Youngest with adhd and middle with autism. And then teenager as well. All 3 make me feel bad daily that I'm favouring one over the other or that I never discipline one or the other. I'm exhausted

Yes to just about all of this.
Also widowed, child who started secondary school and struggling, younger child who screamed and cried for 2hrs because a crappy plastic toy fell apart, job that means I have to stay awake for 40hrs every week, fucking Christmas, exhausted and overwhelmed and sad.
But Tunnocks2022 you sound like you are winning today and you reminded me that some days are more manageable than others if you keep going.

Solidarity

You’re bossing it. Glass of something nice for you 🍷

I’ve been doing it for 10.5 years, mine see their dad for 36 hours every fortnight which is my respite. 3 daughters with autism (2 still at home) and one of the ones still at home has complex SN. The other one at home is Y11 and a nightmare. I’m permanently stressed and tired and worrying and I don’t even work full time.

Ahhh I needed this thread today.

Ex is still involved but partly due to eldest ADHD/anxiety they are with me all the time. Had a really terrible year with DS and school last year that nearly broke me ( I think I have PTSD).

Just had a major operation - was in hospital for 3 nights. 6 week recovery period where I’m meant to not lift anything, exhausted and in pain etc. Day after I’m out I’m having to do all the morning routine, evening routine, dinner ( a lovely friend is taking my youngest to primary for which I’m hugely grateful). DC are kids so don’t get it. Have ended up in tears several times as it’s really hit home just how alone I am.

I envy you as well sometimes. Fancy a swop for a few months? My ex has been bitter about our split for years! Reluctantly and begrudgingly takes our child EOW and does no school runs at all. We even went to court to get him to do 3 weeks out of 14 weeks of the school hols.

Trust me... that grass is not greener! I spend my weekends working a 2nd job... I feel you all ladies!

Can I join? I am not a lone parent but I am a solo foster carer to a toddler with complex needs. I love it (and my fosterling) but it is relentless even doing the weekly shop is impossible as there is no suitable shopping trolley, I have absolutely no idea how I am going to get the Christmas shop done as there is no-one locally I trust to look after them. Life was so much easier before DH died earlier this year even when I had two fosterlings and a DH who couldn't be left alone life was easier as we had people coming in and out all the time and I saw real, live people to talk to.

Sending huge virtual trophies to you all as well as hugs, tea, gin, flowers, whatever works for you!
it is the hardest thing EVER! I have found it so sad not to have someone who cares as much as I do when they do well and challenging to feel I am responsible for every decision (as I am only human and am bound to make plenty of mistakes).
On the flip side, it is the most rewarding thing too.Today, I felt really ill and my two boys, who are now young men, went shopping for me and bought me a plant as a get well gift. I could not be prouder of my kids and the fact that against the odds they have turned into brilliant and very kind people.
The word relentless is apt. I doubt this was how many of us planned life to be but solidarity to all of you who are making the best of it. 💐☕️🍸🍰❤️

@Letsgoforaskip that's so lovely. @bloodywhitecat you can always join in, you have had such a tough time. Hugs to all.

My son is almost a teenager now & I've been waiting since the day he was born for him to be old enough that I can have just one hour of not being responsible for him.
Or just one night when I don't have to be there, or can go to bed at 5pm if I want, or go out to the shop by myself.

I thought by now he'd be okay being left alone for an hour, but he's not that sort of child.
I'm now holding out the hope that by the time he's 14 I'll get my hour off.

I love him dearly, wouldn't change him or our situation for the world, but sometimes I just long for some small amount of time that genuinely is all mine, when someone else would have to be the one on the end of the phone in case of emergency.
Someone else to do the thinking, solve the problems, to choose the gift, or to be the adult for one minute.

His dad has never seen him, pays no maintenance & I don't even know which country he lives in, my family have never stepped up to so much as watch him for long enough for me to have a shower (he is an extremely well behaved child who is very easy to entertain, just let him play Minecraft & you won't hear from him for at least an hour) & never will so it's just us.